[INFJ] Dumped by an INFJ

[Usehername]

Firstly, you seem like a sweetheart, and a mature soul.

Secondly, if I were in your position, I would give myself enough time to really find peace about the fact that you're broken up, but not so much time that you start getting your hopes up again (because there is a teenny chance--like maybe 0.1% possibility--that if you meet up with her IRL and very calmly put the onus on her to explain (a) why she didn't communicate with you regarding the voluntary simplicity stuff (i) because you're not as hardcore as you might come off, which you would've shared if she had opened that topic up for communication and (ii) because she presumed that that was something you wouldn't be comfortable giving up to change to her lifestyle, which you say isn't incompatible with your preferences anyway.

Then I'd bring up (b), the mismatched feeling pace, in context of your past relationships, and just throw it out there that you're intentionally expressing your care for her because every woman deserves to be cared about, love is a verb mentality (stressing that you don't love her, because that would make her uncomfortable)--i.e. you're the kind of guy who learns from his experiences and makes an effort to grow. (GROW mentality is key with INxJs. Constantly growing and developing into a better person, or challenging yourself.)

Then, finally, I'd casually mention (c), your introversion, but instead of giving reasons for this one, just own up to it, throw your hands in the air so to speak, perhaps delve into MBTI for a moment and say how it was something, like point (b), that you would've made a concerted effort to meet her needs, if only she had communicated that to you.

If you keep a don't care at all mentality (the slightest care will be sniffed out and she wouldn't be interested) own up to your part, and put the onus on her to explain why she didn't communicate all those things instead of making assumptions, there's a teeny chance (like, really small, 0.1%) she might be interested. But of course she wouldn't say that, unless you got up and walked away (before talking everything COMPLETELY dry) and in parting said that if she ever changes her mind you would be interested in a relationship with her, but since that's how she feels you wish her all the best, and say that you're excited for your own life to see what happens next and where life's journey takes you.

 

[Tiltyred]

For me -- the LAST thing I want is for another person to change to accommodate me. I'm all about people being their natural self when it comes to general personality characteristics/themes... I don't think these basic characteristics are things that can *really* change, for the long haul. Sure, the other person might try to accommodate/flex/work on a few of the little things, but the major traits are set in stone - as they should be. Again, I don't want to change the person, and don't want the person to have to change himself to make the relationship work. That doesn't seem right. He deserves someone who doesn't need him to change...you know? So if the dynamic, as it is, without my hinting on large things that don't jive with me well in the end, isn't working well, then it's not working well, it's not what I'm really seeking, so I'll end it.

That's how I feel, too.

But I do feel like she let a good one go and she might be sorry, down the road.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

When I get wind of this, I often purposefully screw up.

I don't think that the INFJ is consciously testing, at least I don't consciously test others. But I reflect on how a person reacts to things and what their values, goals, etc, are.

1. My introversion - Even though she is also introverted, my introversion is greater and she felt that she had to struggle to keep the conversation going. Also, I didn't discuss the deeper issues that interest her. She feels that she is very opinionated and she wants to be able to share those opinions with the person close to her. She found that I would tend to steer the conversation to more mundane matters and she described us as being like an "old married couple" after a short time dating.

I would definitely dump someone for this reason, and have. I just can not deal with a person who likes to discuss the practical, mundane matters of living. I'm an idealist. And since I think about the future of relationships; what it would be like to be in a long-term relationship with a person like this, I can't do it. I would just feel unfulfilled. I look to my partner to be my closest confidante, and if they have no interest in discussing the topics I'd like to, it would never work.

I got the sense in this call and the last that her mind is made up already. Is it true that INFJs rarely change there mind once it is set? However, I am still free to call her and discuss it in the future. Maybe some time to reflect on what she said might be beneficial.

Yes, if her mind is set, and it does sound like it is, she's not going to change it.

I tried my best to discuss weightier matters like her career goals. I feel that empty words about how I am confidant that I can change my behavior are not as powerful as actually demonstrating changed behavior. Of course, with her being an astute INFJ, this tactic was probably totally transparent to her.

Yup.

So where do things stand now?

We had a nice conversation, but I am convinced that her mind is made up. We are opposites, but I am convinced that it can work because we are both mature enough to develop our weaker functions and to communicate well with each other ONCE WE HAVE BEEN MADE AWARE OF THE ISSUE. She was burned in a past relationship, but I feel that she was too quick to judge in this case.

I'm sure that I will talk to her again, but I will take some time first to consider what she said.

Any thoughts?

I think you should move on. I second what cascade said about not wanting the person to change to accommodate me and not really believing people can change in any fundamental way. But it seems like she's thought this through and she knows what she wants. You shouldn't try to salvage this, IMO. Just get comfortable with the fact that it's over and continue on.

 

[Intricate Mystic]

Here are a few thoughts....

3. My simple living - I live in a small bachelor apartment (less than 400 sq. ft.). I have no cable and my furnishings are spartan (she referred twice to the fact that I have no pictures hanging on the wall). I have no car, but I belong to a car-sharing co-op.

If I were her, I would be looking at the way you live and think, "There's no place for me here"! The way you live has no room in it for another person. If you want a relationship with someone, you're going to have to get your own car, so that a girlfriend can depend on the fact that you have a car available that seats at least 2 people if she needs your help some day. Your apartment needs to be larger, with tables, chairs, and a large enough bed for at least 2 people to live there comfortably. The whole picture here sends the message that you have no plans to share your life with anyone else. Also, the whole "simplicity" thing could some across as being cheap. It can also make for a very boring apartment. You need to spice it up!

When she dumped me, she explained that she had no feelings for me. My gut reaction was, "Of course you have no feelings for me. I have no feelings for you. It's only been two months!" I didn't say anything because it takes me many months for feelings to start for someone, but I didn't know what was normal for her or what she expected.

I think you do have feelings for her. It comes through in your writing.

3. She was waaaay off base on the voluntary simplicity thing. It's true that I have read about living simply and make a conscious choice to live as I do even though I earn a good salary. But this does not mean at all that she would have to live as I do now if we were to eventually live together.

She probably can't picture that. INFJ's are planners, as you must know.... we have to be able to see a future in a relationship.

 

[lillyofthevalley]

It may have nothing to do with you at all except that maybe you are too wonderful. Women are commitment phobic also.