[ENFP] ENFP - Ne-tus Operandi (from an ENFJ)

[TopherRed]

So, I've got this ENFP friend who's constantly inventing, or exaggerating storylines of our relationship (she's a friend, sort of a co-worker).

The latest example:

"It's sooo bad that you hate me, Fuzz. People are constantly going around now saying, 'We'd better pray for the prayer team, Bee and Fuzz are at it again," (we co-lead the prayer team for our church).

It's actually pretty funny, so I laugh, but I just know she's probing to see how I'm feeling. The relationship we've established is such where I treat her professionally, yet caring, but in a distant way. Bee has expressed how guys have fallen for her before in ministry and how the only reason she even took this position was because I am about nine years her junior.

I'm basically complying with her wishes by remaining emotionally distant. I wonder if she sees that...

My main question is, is it typical for ENFPs to do the above sort of thing when trying to illicit an emotional response from someone, or is this Bee's own particular brand of manipulation?

Bewildered,
--Fuzz

 

[Goatman455]

So, I've got this ENFP friend who's constantly inventing, or exaggerating storylines of our relationship (she's a friend, sort of a co-worker).

The latest example:

"It's sooo bad that you hate me, Fuzz. People are constantly going around now saying, 'We'd better pray for the prayer team, Bee and Fuzz are at it again," (we co-lead the prayer team for our church).

It's actually pretty funny, so I laugh, but I just know she's probing to see how I'm feeling. The relationship we've established is such where I treat her professionally, yet caring, but in a distant way. Bee has expressed how guys have fallen for her before in ministry and how the only reason she even took this position was because I am about nine years her junior.

I'm basically complying with her wishes by remaining emotionally distant. I wonder if she sees that...

My main question is, is it typical for ENFPs to do the above sort of thing when trying to illicit an emotional response from someone, or is this Bee's own particular brand of manipulation?

Bewildered,
--Fuzz

Try being straightforward and stop reading into everything they do. The tendency for ENFPs and ENFJs to improperly read into each other is ridiculous.

Perhaps she is adapting to the ENFJ tendency to manipulate, because most ENFPs I know are more direct, and don't enjoy those tactics relative to the ENFJs.

Tell her how you feel, ask her how she feels, get some REAL info, stop trying to figure it out on your own, get a REALITY CHECK! By doing this you also give her a reality check and you will both be better off.

 

[LadyJaye]

There's a difference between silly, well-intentioned goading, and outright probing. Two different things. I couldn't say about the serious game playing because I'm pretty direct - I don't appreciate misunderstandings due to vaguery, so I try to be as honest as possible. Maybe she has developed feelings for you and she's feeling foolish about it? I think it's a fairly common behaviour for people to do things like that when they're having uncomfortable feelings and aren't sure how they can resolve it without embarrassing themselves.

 

[TopherRed]

Thank you milady, I think she knows I see certain things with her and the insight might make her uncomfortable, but I'm going to keep an open mind.

Do you know of any ENFP+ENFJ relationships? I haven't ever seen or heard of one.

 

[LadyJaye]

Thank you milady, I think she knows I see certain things with her and the insight might make her uncomfortable, but I'm going to keep an open mind.

Do you know of any ENFP+ENFJ relationships? I haven't ever seen or heard of one.

Not personally. I know an ENFJ guy who's married to an INFP - he's very extroverted and she's quite introverted, so I think that balances the relationship out. I think there are lovely attractive qualities about ENFJ's, but I don't know what the dynamic would be like. Probably pretty active.

 

[TopherRed]

Mmm...cool.

 

[Goatman455]

Thank you milady, I think she knows I see certain things with her and the insight might make her uncomfortable.

No offense, but that sounds a bit arrogant, think that could be upsetting her?

What things are you seeing? We need more S details in here. Again, reality checking here is going to help you greatly, it is ok if you make a mistake.

One thing I have noticed is that ENFJs can actually convince other people that their imaginings about them are real because they believe it so thoroughly, even when they are way off base. You guys/girls can be very convincing, because of the lack of self doubt, but this very thing can cause you to not see when you go wrong. Definitely keep an open mind, and give us the details. Also, ENFJs like to simplify things to their world view, and while these simplifications are generally accurate, they can also leave out crucial bits of the issue in favor of a more bias point of view.

 

[JocktheMotie]

I know nothing about ENFXs beyond their highly combustible properties, but I do know you should refer to yourselves as "Buzz."

 

[lamp]

she has developed feelings for you

my first thought

 

[TopherRed]

*grumbles* I wish. I don't know.

 

[Wonkavision]

Your friend said:

"It's sooo bad that you hate me, Fuzz. People are constantly going around now saying, 'We'd better pray for the prayer team, Bee and Fuzz are at it again," (we co-lead the prayer team for our church)."

This is exactly the kind of partly-serious, mostly-joke statements I usually make when I'm probing for how a friend feels about things.

She probably said it with a warm smile and/or tone of voice, right?

It's a way of opening up the possibility of a deep conversation without overwhelming the other person.

Like dipping your toe in the pool to see how the temperature is, that's all.

She was probably trying to gauge how you felt, and how willing you were, at the moment, to talk about it.

And out of respect for you, she would moderate it according to your perceived level of comfort.


Of course, this is only a guess. I really don't know for sure.

It sounds incredibly familiar to me, though.

 

[Domino]

Be direct, Fuzzy! Just be direct!

Her: [blah blah silly endearing ENFP stuff here]

You: Woman! Dems feelins' for me or wut?!

[Lots of yeti hugs]

 

[Amargith]

I'd say she's probing you coz she's confused by the emotional gap. It's kinda like rocking the boat a bit. It can be done for fun, but it can also yield results. Awesome combo.
She can probably *feel* you're warmer naturally than you are with her and is probing why you're holding back, while trying to tease you out of your shell.

Personally, I love close, informal, fuzzy connections and when someone keeps me at an arms length, it makes me curious as to why..and somewhat sad
I doubt she consciously realizes that you are in fact doing this because of her statements. Dunno about her having feelings for you..I'd say she's more intrigued than infatuated.

 

[TopherRed]

I'd say she's probing you coz she's confused by the emotional gap. It's kinda like rocking the boat a bit. It can be done for fun, but it can also yield results. Awesome combo.
She can probably *feel* you're warmer naturally than you are with her and is probing why you're holding back, while trying to tease you out of your shell.

Personally, I love close, informal, fuzzy connections and when someone keeps me at an arms length, it makes me curious as to why..and somewhat sad
I doubt she consciously realizes that you are in fact doing this because of her statements. Dunno about her having feelings for you..I'd say she's more intrigued than infatuated.

This sounds perfectly accurate, Amargath. I think you've hit it on the head.

 

[Wonkavision]

It's kinda like rocking the boat a bit. It can be done for fun, but it can also yield results. Awesome combo.

Yeah, this.

I do it all the time, with people who "get" it.

Not everyone does get it, but you seem to.

I think that's why she's doing it with you.

To "get" it means to understand that it's partly a game, and partly to yield results---and to enjoy the process, although you may be slightly confused by it.

It sounds like that's where you're at now, right Fuzzcrossed?

Slightly confused, but enjoying it?

I think it will become clearer if you keep riding it out.

 

[PeaceBaby]

She can probably *feel* you're warmer naturally than you are with her and is probing why you're holding back, while trying to tease you out of your shell.

Personally, I love close, informal, fuzzy connections and when someone keeps me at an arms length, it makes me curious as to why..and somewhat sad
I doubt she consciously realizes that you are in fact doing this because of her statements. Dunno about her having feelings for you..I'd say she's more intrigued than infatuated.

Agreed; I didn't sense a romantic vibe, but definitely she wants to understand you better, get to know you better. She may sense something of a kindred spirit in you.

 

[Thinkerninja]

I do often say a lot of things that aren't necessary but might be good to say out of interest, but also to see other people's reactions to it. Not to say most of the stuff coming out of my mouth is to illustrate a thoughtful response or certain reaction, but some do.