[NF] NFs what hurts you more ?

[Goatman455]

This is something I am wondering for some time now. But I have no reason too. I am simply wondering about it.
This question can be asked in alot of contexts so I think that it would be best that everyone just imagine the context they can relate too.



What hurts you more in a situation when you fail in doing something that is important to someone you love? However in this situation it is obvious that you could have made a better job. So it is your fault for the most part after all.



Does is hurt more if your loved one just explodes in your presence or when they just become hostile without even raising their voice ?

Definitely the explode one, I like it when people keep control, I think it fosters better communication as well, allowing the other person to understand without also feeling the need to explode. Many times when one person explodes the other is not far behind.

Good question btw.

 

[speculative]

What hurts you more in a situation when you fail in doing something that is important to someone you love? However in this situation it is obvious that you could have made a better job. So it is your fault for the most part after all.

Does is hurt more if your loved one just explodes in your presence or when they just become hostile without even raising their voice ?

For me, it would hurt more if they acted out of character. For example, if they normally exploded at me when I messed up, but in this instance they didn't even bother to raise their voice, then I would feel the situation was more serious and it would hurt more.

 

[Virtual ghost]

For me, it would hurt more if they acted out of character. For example, if they normally exploded at me when I messed up, but in this instance they didn't even bother to raise their voice, then I would feel the situation was more serious and it would hurt more.

So the more serious situation is the more hurt you are ?

I preusme that is because the seriousness of situation means more nagative feelings in the other person ?

 

[speculative]

So the more serious situation is the more hurt you are ?

I preusme that is because the seriousness of situation means more nagative feelings in the other person ?

Yes. The more hurt they were, the more hurt I would be. I would likely move toward 2 but the more hurt they were, the less likely I would feel able to help them through the hurt somehow...

 

[OrangeAppled]

Maybe I am a mean INFP, but I can't find a context for this for myself. I know I have let people down at times, but it was usually without thinking or intention, so I don't berate myself for it. I just explain the misunderstanding, possibly promise to do better in the future, and they accept it or they don't.

If someone asks me to do something specifically and I agree to it, then I follow through with it, so I really only let them down if they expected me to read their mind, which is unfair to me.

I also don't like to look at the past and "what if" too much. I'd rather just see it as a mistake and learn from it and move on.

If the person gets very angry, that would probably just make me defensive. I would feel unfairly attacked and upset that they are ascribing me bad motives. It would be better if they presented their feelings without accusation and we could come to a solution. And even still, it really has more to do with if I violated one of my own values, not one of theirs. I'm just not a people pleaser. I get more upset when I disappoint myself.

 

[Virtual ghost]

Maybe I am a mean INFP, but I can't find a context for this for myself. I know I have let people down at times, but it was usually without thinking or intention, so I don't berate myself for it. I just explain the misunderstanding, possibly promise to do better in the future, and they accept it or they don't.

If someone asks me to do something specifically and I agree to it, then I follow through with it, so I really only let them down if they expected me to read their mind, which is unfair to me.

I also don't like to look at the past and "what if" too much. I'd rather just see it as a mistake and learn from it and move on.

If the person gets very angry, that would probably just make me defensive. I would feel unfairly attacked and upset that they are ascribing me bad motives. It would be better if they presented their feelings without accusation and we could come to a solution. And even still, it really has more to do with if I violated one of my own values, not one of theirs. I'm just not a people pleaser. I get more upset when I disappoint myself.

Are you a strong introvert ? (just curious)

 

[Charmed Justice]

.
But in this situations it is not unusual that i get accused that I am hidding my feelings. Why would someone think I am hidding my feelings ?

I'm not sure. Maybe because they other person is and they are projecting.

 

[lillyofthevalley]

Well, I am highly sensitive to other people's feelings. I'm pretty good at detecting someone's feelings about me, even if they're smiling in my face or pretending. So yea, the way someone wraps their negative feelings about me is largely insignificant insofar as how I feel. Although, the package can determine how I react. I do occasionally fight fire with fire when pushed to my limit. Like, if I think you're trying to embarrass me or make me look stupid. OMG. The wrath of Pfer...

I agree completely. Talk down to me, try to make me look like an ass, I'll turn on you like a screaming banshee and if you're not that important to me, I'll turn you loose. If I take you back in, I'll keep at a distance until I know in my gut that it's OK to care about you again.

 

[Virtual ghost]

I'm not sure. Maybe because they other person is and they are projecting.

It could be.
Especially since it is looks that it is hard for most people to imagine my "inner" process /world.



Just to be clear: by emotions I mean intense emotions.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Are you a strong introvert ? (just curious)

Yes, I am very introverted.

 

[Goatman455]

For me, it would hurt more if they acted out of character. For example, if they normally exploded at me when I messed up, but in this instance they didn't even bother to raise their voice, then I would feel the situation was more serious and it would hurt more.

Yeah, that is a good point too. If the person is really upset and I know that, but controls themselves, that would be worse then someone exploding for a dumb reason.

 

[Thalassa]

Passive-aggressive behavior REALLY bugs me, but there's nothing I hate more than being ignored. That hurts me more than anything.

Of course I don't like being verbally abused or anything, but I'll take an authentic expression of anger, even an outburst of rage, over silence.

 

[Virtual ghost]

Yes, I am very introverted.

That should explain you case.

 

[Nonsensical]

Exploding seems to be more of a spur of the moment explosions of anger, and passive aggressiveness seems to be something that lasts over time. I mean, it's obvious that she's mad when she explodes, but when she holds it in for a while and you can just tell she's mad, it's probably one of the worst feelings. I can take being screamed at...it tears me to pieces when she holds it in.

It seems like it would be easier to talk to her a bit after her outburst, and that it may have just been that she got carried away, but it would be so much worse if she held it in to simmer and grew hostile.

 

[Goatman455]

Passive-aggressive behavior REALLY bugs me, but there's nothing I hate more than being ignored. That hurts me more than anything.

Of course I don't like being verbally abused or anything, but I'll take an authentic expression of anger, even an outburst of rage, over silence.

You know what though, passive aggressive is better than actual aggressive because it waits to counter. Aggressive is just aggressive for no reasons sometimes. If someone is passive aggressive at least I know that I must have done something first. That said, someone who is just being passive aggressive out of nowhere can be really annoying I am sure, but I haven't encountered this.

 

[Gloriana]

Passive-aggressive tends to bother me more, both when others do it and when I see myself doing it. I come from a family that implements passive-aggressive behavior in lieu of any kind of conflict. Hence, there is just decades of bad blood still boiling within my family members. Barely anyone in my small family talks to one another and it killed bonds, so I am not a fan of passive-aggression at all.

For me, DIRECT conflict feels healthier. I have had the healthiest relationships with those who can tackle conflict head on, whether it's yelling about feeling hurt/angry or the ability to sit down and say "Look, we need to talk about this". Conflicts can make me feel ill, but it's so temporary. If we have it out and get to the bottom of it, it's like it just drifts away and is forgotten. So the temporary discomfort of a conflict is worth it for the overall outcome of understanding, forgiveness, etc.

The passive-aggressive stuff just seems to create this atmosphere of bad blood and resentment that can so easily fester and build. The avoidance of discomfort with conflict isn't worth the destructiveness of not being up front and honest to me. I think anger and resentment get so skewed and get so much worse when held in, and I speak from having done that myself all too many times.

To me, as long as someone doesn't scream their lights out at the drop of hat, get violent or make a habit of being gratuitously abusive with words, I think a little yelling here and there and just direct conflict in general works better in the end.

 

[Liminality]

I'd say both, but in different ways.

I'm pretty (Understatement) conflict avoidant, so an explosion just makes me exceedingly guilty and or defensive, the defensiveness coming from feeling guilty, from not wanting to face that - leads to me being incredibly stubborn sometimes, I HATE saying sorry. Underneath, though, there'll always be an undertone of guilt and fear of the other person abandoning me because I'm 'bad' and unworthy.

Essentially you hurt me, and I want to hurt you back (Very rare if non existant), or you hurt me and I'll do anything to make things better.

With passive agression I'm not all that good at trusting my intuition, so if someone is, it can just get mistaken/denied and swept under the rug, and quietly nag at my subconscious for the longest time.

Saying that, I've got a friend who was exceedinly repressive of their anger, and when it did come out, outbursts were less scary than when they got slightly annoyed. With outbursts you can detach, it's all out there, they're out of control, - though this is with that sort of outburst.

When they got annoyed, just annoyed, even if it was at someone I was annoyed with too it was...inexplicably terrifying...like...rawr, electricity and fire and ice under their skin and behind their eyes; knife sharp. Like a dormant beast, not a screaming child.

Essentially when there's still that containment, that power over how they might react, how they might not let it all out and punish me or the other person over time, it can be very scary. Though I guess this can depend on both the angry person and reciever.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

Does is hurt more if your loved one just explodes in your presence or when they just become hostile without even raising their voice ?

I find emotional responses during conflict disorienting. I don't have much anger, but what I do have I tend to internalize and have trouble feeling it. I hold myself responsible for things, so if it was my failing I would feel badly and find a way to correct it. If their negativity was reasonable it wouldn't bother me nearly as much as if it were irrational. If it really was my fault, and I had the capacity to fix it, then I can deal with it. I sometimes try to gain some insight from unfair responses and use it as some way to make progress, but sometimes there isn't much useful to gain. If their response is unfair or seemingly random, then I can get anxious about how to fix the problem. If I ran over someone in my car or something, I'm not entirely sure where to put something like that in my head. It would probably damage my self-esteem, and I would have a hard time driving again. I don't think the style of expression is significant to me. I look to the core of the conflict and whether or not it can be solved.

 

[Fidelia]

Indifference or not getting a chance to talk about it is probably the hardest for me to accept. I don't like being the object of someone's anger, but I'd probably rather them express it directly so that we could talk about it. If it were expressed passive-aggressively I'd probably bring it up and call it what it is and ask what the real problem was. However it seems kind of roundabout and the object of your anger might not be sure what the anger is about exactly (how they messed up might not be as obvious to them as it is to you).

Truthfully, I'd rather someone let me know when I am beginning to upset them rather than after the fact, but I realize that can't always happen. However, some kind of resolution needs to be found or it eats me alive. About the meanest thing you could do (at least to an INFJ) is withhold the opportunity to talk it out and try to make the situation better. I hate being on the hook emotionally with no way to redeem myself and I think it does lasting damage to the relationship.

 

[Thalassa]

You know what though, passive aggressive is better than actual aggressive because it waits to counter. Aggressive is just aggressive for no reasons sometimes. If someone is passive aggressive at least I know that I must have done something first. That said, someone who is just being passive aggressive out of nowhere can be really annoying I am sure, but I haven't encountered this.

I prefer confrontation, unless it's habitual.