[ENFP] INTJ trying to understand an ENFP's actions (PART 2)

[thescientist]

Yeah...the whole not letting people get away with thinking they have deceived you thing. I would be the same. It's kind of justice and pride intermingled, I guess. And it's very difficult to let go of. I'd just tell him, at this point he can go fuck himself if he doesn't like it and he should be able to take the fallout of his own actions anyway (that's not to say he's "to blame" for the whole thing going awry...but the gf thing...ehh). It doesn't really matter if he denies it, as long as he knows we know...at least that's my thing. I suppose it's more about being true to our own values (honesty, (confrontation), respect...)...I would respect myself more for letting him know he cannot just get away with it. This does give closure. Time to think about your own feelings.

EXACTLY how I feel!!!

Judging a whole MBTI group based on the behavior of one individual is irrational at best and dangerous at worst.

I just said that out of anger. I would not dismiss all male ENFP's but I'd definitely be more wary of them.

You probably didn't give all the details here, but I just wanted to raise the question of whether you might have jumped to conclusions on this. Just from what you wrote, I couldn't really make a judgment call on whether he did have a gf when he was going out with you. Maybe he wasn't that serious with her? Maybe they were on hiatus? Who knows?

Anyway, it's hard to do, but I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and while you're at it, cut yourself some slack too.

I've given him the benefit of the doubt on so many other things and every time, MY gut/intuition was right. I'm trusting my gut on this one. So many things point to it being true. How serious they are, I'll never know, but that does not matter to me. He was with someone, period.

 

[alcea rosea]

He actually finally ceases ALL flirtation with me, perhaps due to my ignoring him. .

This sentence made me think that maybe he is so interested in you that he is withdrawing. ENFP's do that when they really like somebody. Withdraw. Don't ask me explanations because there isn't a rational explanation for that, I guess.

But it could be also that he is not interested. Pretty complicated for you and probably for him too.

 

[Kanamori]

Confront him IMO, enfp's can handle love stuff... resolution is all that there is to be had.

 

[alcea rosea]

Confront him IMO, enfp's can handle love stuff... resolution is all that there is to be had.

Most ENFP's don't like confrontations, I think.

 

[thescientist]

Confront him IMO, enfp's can handle love stuff... resolution is all that there is to be had.

Interesting...so far all the F's say DON'T CONFRONT and all the T's say CONFRONT!

 

[Kanamori]

Most ENFP's don't like confrontations, I think.

All the one's I've ever met could handle it better than me, anyway

Seriously though, do you think they'd mind more than all of the subconscious motions that go along with it?

 

[BlueScreen]

Actually, I'd say bring it up with him. I'd aim to get the evidence you need first, rather than confront based only on intuition. Things like the quiet calls may mistranslate across types. I don't like making personal calls loudly in the office, and I don't have a gf or even a prospective one. I'm not that forward either, especially if there are mixed signals. Though if you need a confrontation to feel right, there's a chance he'll see through any anger to you and where things are at. As much as ENFPs like to play naive they normally know where things stand, or at least the options.

To give a perspective of what we like, clear communication, openness, non-judgmental, not game playing, after us and personal connection rather than relationship building or social obligation, etc.

 

[Keps Mnemnosyne]

Hey thescientist, I hope you will just wake up tomorrow and feel better; I know that probably won't happen, but one day it will. No offense to you, but instead of asking us for advice I would listen to your own advice of listening to your gut. Nonetheless what I would do in your situation would be to confront the man. I would be confrontational enough to get my point across, but not too much that the other person builds a wall and won't listen. How to do this would be up to you. People can change and grow (albeit slowly), so I do think if he was informed maybe now maybe ten years later he will remember how hurtful and untrustworthy he was and will try to change. Have a good night, Keps.

 

[garbage]

He didn't describe his girlfriend as a girlfriend because he wanted to leave his options open in case you were available and were a better choice than his current. He likely describes her as "a girlfriend" and as "nobody special," depending upon the circumstances or who he's talking to. His categorizations aren't going to be strict and he's not going to make a definite stand unless he's very serious about her.

Confronting either him or her would be a horrible idea. It's not going to clear the air; he's just going to despise you, which is probably bad if you work together. Even if that didn't happen, there's no need for you to meddle in his personal life so that you can get to the truth. You pretty much already know what the truth is, anyway.

If he's gonna be gone for a whole month soon, just enjoy him being gone. This sounds like a situation that might just clear up over time, anyway. Your recent posts on this (understandably) reek of frustration and anger, so you might just want to let this one go until he comes back.. then reevaluate the situation. For now, I think writing a letter to sort out how you feel about the situation is a great idea, even if you don't send it to him.

 

[Strawberrylover]

I've given him the benefit of the doubt on so many other things and every time, MY gut/intuition was right. I'm trusting my gut on this one. So many things point to it being true. How serious they are, I'll never know, but that does not matter to me. He was with someone, period.

I'd be interested to hear how you'd confront him. To me, it's a no-win situation, but maybe Js and Ts handle it differently?

If you confront him and he says yes, I was with someone, but I was interested in you too, how would you react? If you confront him and he says yes, I was with someone, but it turns out I wasn't interested in you, how would you react? If you confront him and he says, it's none of your business, how would you react?

I don't see how confronting him accomplishes anything, but again, that's just me.

 

[Uytuun]

Interesting...so far all the F's say DON'T CONFRONT and all the T's say CONFRONT!

I don't think the Fs understand how compelling what you bolded in my post is. It's a completely different starting point.

I wouldn't involve the girl, though. Cool your (out)rage on the guy.

 

[runvardh]

I say confront, but I'm not a model F citizen either...

I'm sure you could do it with out making it emotionally charged; then again that could scare him more. Hmmm...

 

[thescientist]

He didn't describe his girlfriend as a girlfriend because he wanted to leave his options open in case you were available and were a better choice than his current. He likely describes her as "a girlfriend" and as "nobody special," depending upon the circumstances or who he's talking to. His categorizations aren't going to be strict and he's not going to make a definite stand unless he's very serious about her.

This makes complete sense.

 

[Lady_X]

i don't see a thing wrong with telling him what's goin on in your head...doesn't sound like his reaction is all that important anyway...you just want him to know how you feel about it...so go ahead...but...the idea of talking to the girl seems like unnecessary drama.

 

[thescientist]

i don't see a thing wrong with telling him what's goin on in your head...doesn't sound like his reaction is all that important anyway...you just want him to know how you feel about it...so go ahead...but...the idea of talking to the girl seems like unnecessary drama.

Yeah, I'm not confronting the girl. The idea was to anonymously contact the girl to get solid proof. Other than that I didn't really care. But I thought about it some more and decided against it.

 

[Lady_X]

yeah...so just tell him.

 

[lamp]

Confront, or at least bring some of the issues up.

one day at work, he asks me "Are we okay?". So I respond in the most non-chalant manner "YEAH, why? did you think i was angry at you?" And he says, "yeah, i was acting like a blah blah". Good, so he gets his closure in the most (in my opinion) pathetic and non-confrontational way.

I do not understand your reaction here. Is this a continuation of ignoring him?

 

[thescientist]

I do not understand your reaction here. Is this a continuation of ignoring him?

Yes, or you could call it treating him in a 'you're-not-special-anymore' way. I wanted it to be clear that I didn't give a rats tail about the fact that he was no longer interested and that I WAS NOT still hung up on him...whether it was true or not! ha

 

[SciVo]

Yes, or you could call it treating him in a 'you're-not-special-anymore' way. I wanted it to be clear that I didn't give a rats tail about the fact that he was no longer interested and that I WAS NOT still hung up on him...whether it was true or not! ha

See, that kind of thing is what makes me concerned that you've abstracted the relationship beyond any real connection into something conceptual, inauthentic and not very healthy. But don't mind me, I'm just an F.

 

[lamp]

You might as well have said, in the most non-chalant manner "No"

And I do not think that gave him any closure; he has probably started developing his own closure internally since you started ignoring him. But don't mind me, I'm just drunk.