[MBTI General] xNFx fidelity

[Gloriana]

Ouch.

I suppose you could say that falling for someone is something that 'just happens', but actually acting upon it is something that seems like a choice to me. I don't know, maybe it's different for different people, but to me it just seems like those who claim it was out of their control are trying to avoid blame or guilt.

Indeed. My ex was very adept at passing choice-making on to others so that no repercussions could come back on him. He was able to often say it was everyone else's fault and if pushed to take responsibility himself, he would get very caustic and nasty. His defense for cheating and leaving was "I have a right to be happy", but he was putting that happiness on the girl he left me for, he did not assert the needs and wants he had to be happy in our relationship. I think his mentality was "People either make you happy or they don't, it's beyond your own control".

In his eyes, it was my fault he was unhappy (I.E. it had nothing to do with the fact he did not talk about his needs or wants with me) and so it was easier for him to leave that way I think, he definitely did the demonizing of me after he left. The girl he left me for kicked out her then-boyfriend to take my ex in as well, I think they did the whole "I'm so glad I found someone who has been trapped like I have been!" thing. Tore me to pieces somethin' fierce at the time, but now I can laugh about it. It was the whole "YOU, NOR ANYONE ELSE, CAN STOP OUR LOVE!!!" and it was all very, very dramatic, lol.

 

[kiddykat]

I think it has something to do with a person's integrity (value system- unrelated to type functions), and how much they value their partners (love, devotion, admiration- how much they cherish their relationship).

Also, I remember reading in a psychology class that the number of caregivers a person has during their earliest stages of development in infancy influences whether or not a person will tend to be/prefer to be monogamous or non-monogamous in their adult relationships. It's not to say that if a person were to have one consistent caregiver that they tend to be monogamous, but won't cheat.

Fidelity relates other factors too, in which I think plays in a role in which a persons chooses stay faithful or not- if they're conscientious of their actions in response to how others are treated. I think those who tend to exhibit borderline 'narcissistic' personalities, where everything is 'me' 'me' 'me' NOW (lack of moral/emotional consciousness) do tend to cheat more, because in the act of cheating, they are more likely to depersonalize their romantic partners and easily make excuses such as "We were high." Or "It just happened." They can either rationalize their behavior through their thoughts/feelings, or just be in the moment with it without really considering the other person.

In other cases- those who feel a need to prove how 'sexy' they are, I think tend to cheat more often than not (because cheating is a form of a personal reward for them- the attention that comes along with it- the perceived desirability).

Whatever the case is- every action has a cause, effect, consequence. So if a person nonchalantly explains their behavior as a 'mistake,' I highly doubt they weren't 'aware,' because feelings/thoughts are a form of motivation/intent which drive behavior. Not unless they have some kind severe impairment in cognitive behavior- then I think that they can be totally unaware of their actions.

In other situations, lack of fidelity could be an underlying problem (ex- lack of attention from spouse, lack of chemistry- relationship with commitment w/o love, staleness, or someone who has an overly high libido who has a combination of selfish tendencies). Really depends. I say- "marry the right partner; make smart decisions' because subsequent actions/consequences stem from there.

 

[Bubbles]

I suppose you could say that falling for someone is something that 'just happens', but actually acting upon it is something that seems like a choice to me. I don't know, maybe it's different for different people, but to me it just seems like those who claim it was out of their control are trying to avoid blame or guilt.

This. Lots of people crush and stuff while in a serious relationship.

The choice: act upon it, or simply think, "well I'm glad other attractive people are in the world," and move on. The latter takes self control. The first takes lack of commitment.

 

[cafe]

And I think there is a big difference between feeling an attraction and cultivating it. If I find someone besides my husband attractive, I go out of my way to avoid them, I don't try to get to know them or see if we can hang out, etc. People cultivate these outside relationships, then act all shocked when they wind up becoming physical.

 

[Lady_X]

I don't know. Just because a relationship dies doesn't mean you never had anything in the first place or that it couldn't have been saved. Even if you are in love and compatible, relationships require nurture.

It would stink to realize after the fact that you could have done something if only you'd known your partner was unhappy. If, instead of working on a current relationship, you begin a courtship relationship with someone else, of course your current relationship is doomed.

If every time you start to feel less than satisfied with your partner, you go out looking for greener pastures, you can expect to leave a lot of broken relationships in your wake. Heck, if I did that, I probably wouldn't have a relationship last longer than my next case of PMS.

oh i agree...i meant simply that being committed means doing what it takes...communicating and working on issues...i just feel like if someone is unfaithful...to me...it means they weren't truly committed anymore.

 

[OrangeAppled]

And I think there is a big difference between feeling an attraction and cultivating it.

Agreed, it starts in the mind, and can end in the mind if you choose to take control.

 

[Charmed Justice]

i just don't think people cheat when they're committed so if they do then they weren't anyway...and to me that...that feeling of disconnect is the reason the relationship is over...the cheating was just a side effect.

I agree with you in part. But in a long-term relationship, you go through so many ups and downs. You have so many contradictory feelings over the course of decades. If you acted on any of those feelings in the down time, you could cheat. Nonetheless, you may still be committed to your relationship. Look at all the men who cheat on their wives, but statistically speaking, have a very low chance of leaving them. On the other hand, when women cheat, they usually want out. The commitment was already gone.

There are different levels and types of commitment. Sexual commitment is but one type, and many people put a lot of emphasis on it. Sometimes they put more emphasis on sexual commitment than emotional commitment. It just depends on the person. A person could be sexually committed, but not emotionally committed. Or emotionally committed, but not sexually committed. Or committed to the marriage unit itself, but not to the friendship with their spouse. Some people are not financially committed to their relationship, but are sexually faithful. I personally put no more importance on sexual commitment than any other other aspect of my relationship. Disloyalty is disloyalty. And a big giant lie is a big giant lie imo. I don't demonize people who cheat though, and cheating can be worked through if both people want the relationship after the fact. Cheating, imo, is not the worst someone could do in a relationship, even though it hurts very badly to be lied to.

 

[JohnDoe]

So say you've been married for ten years, you've got two or three kids and you are working your rear off 50+ hours a week to support your family for the whole ten years. While you are working your butt off, your wife gets lonely and starts something up with one of your buddies and tells you about it a couple of days after they finally have sex, including the part where she's leaving you. Now you are going to have to continue to work like a dog to pay child support while your buddy is banging your wife and you only get to see your kids every other weekend and you weren't given any say in the matter.

That's something that you'd be just fine with?

A marriage with external responsibilities like kids is not just a romantic relationship though. Its also in some respects very much like a business partnership (business: raise the kids). Leaving a relationship at the drop of the hat because you no longer think it is for the best doesn't bother me at all. Leaving a business partnership (such as marriage w/ kids, but not necessarily just marriage) is much more unforgivable because there is more in play then just feelings for someone. I've been trying to draw away from the issue of leaving a spouse with kids that way, because there is more then just feelings of the spouse to be considered there. A marriage is a relationship and a business partnership.

 

[Skyward]

Agreed, it starts in the mind, and can end in the mind if you choose to take control.

This is probably where intuitors have their weak spot when it comes to cheating. Ns tend to put a lot more emphasis on their inner world and forget the facts of the outer world. Just because they, mentally, are out of the relationship doesn't mean the other person is. I could see myself doing it, although I've got zero relationship experience and can't contribute anything tangible to this discussion.