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  1. #1
    Senior Member Cypocalypse's Avatar
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    Jan 2008

    Default NF and NT flirtation

    Often times, NFs and NTs are being paired in MBTI forums like they're an ideal pair of some sort, but I'm hardly able to read specifics on how they usually interact. Or is it maybe because NTs find it a bit awkward discussing them. Anyway...

    Being born possibly inherently INTP, I have low expectations towards my skills for relationships, in general. I never realistically thought that I would dwell into this realm with a certain degree of enthusiasm until...

    NFs started coming.


    To make the story short, I was a late bloomer in relationships. My current girlfriend of four years (I'm now 27) is my first legit relationship. She's an ISFJ, and with a pairing like this, communication can be an issue. It's a very healthy relationship, just not the aspect of verbal communication.

    In this time frame, I'm able to encounter a couple of NFs. Two INFJs and one ENFJ. One INFJ is significantly older than me so I can't romanticize the interaction. The other INFJ is distant, so I can't work anything on that. The ENFJ one, I'm really close to as of the moment.

    Some initial observations.
    1. NFJs talks to you in your own N language. They just do. I can't exactly explain it but they somehow send you that, thank-god-I-found-another-intuitive kind of delight. Perks include no more need to worry about making an introduction, because sometimes, they do, and you don't need to force SENSOR yourself. They want to talk with you, N style.

    2. They put priority on what they perceive as intelligent men. They value intelligent men probably better than NT men value intelligent women.

    3. Though it doesn't mean that if you're an NT, you're easily in luck. They have very thin emotional wall, and if you're not a politically-correct NT, you can easily get yourself into trouble. Better use an auxiliary NF mode if you have developed one. It probably helps in my case being an INTP with a strong F and extroversion because I don't easily get pushy with my opinions, and I can actually be affectionate.

    4. If she's entertained with the line of communication, she'll blur the line of friendship and make you feel that you have actual "room for pursuit" within the context of the "friendship." I find this a bit tricky. At least the SFs I know easily projects a friendship wall unless you don't have an initial predatory mode assault. This ENFJ girl blurs that out and persuades me (indirectly or directly) to "push things".

    5. I can't say for certain if the flirtation is face-value or the girl is open to the possibility that I may actually do something. Either way, I'm enjoying it though I always look at things from a face value perspective because my current relationship is good and I don't wanna jeopardize it.

    6. Because of the girl's "openness", she couldn't maintain a sustained relationship these days. Probably because once a guy becomes her boyfriend, he'll get frustrated that a lot of the girls' guy friends (most probably NFs and NTs), are circling her way too close for the guy's comfort. Eventually, he just gives up.

    7. She lives in an ideal set up where she doesn't want to compromise the status-quo of her social life that's defined by the set-up (number 6). She realistically thinks she can have both worlds.

    8. She then asked me why I'm the only guy friend that she has that actually still able to enjoy the situation. I said that I'm probably the only one who looks at this flirtation at face value. My emotions are a bit inconsequential. Not that I don't really care, but I can't really romanticize it. I have a relationship of my own to keep. At least that's what I said. I don't end up here as the guy who would eventually lose a girl. But they do.


    I see 3 aspects of her emotional disposition in this.
    a. when she's alone - she really gets lonely
    b. when she's with a lot of friends - she's jolly to the point where she pretends the loneliness doesn't exist.
    c. when she's one on one with a friend (with me, for example) - she's more open to talk, but I don't want to give an advice. Probably because I know that she won't listen overnight.


    I have some questions.

    1. How many of you ENFJ girls eventually end up like the status quo in number 6? Is it a normal thing for ENFJs?

    2. I asked the older INFJ about this and for what I know she learned to managed this situation much later in her life. She's now 30+ and the ENFJ girl here is 22. She just told me that it's something that the girl would just need to figure out later, in her own means.

    So does that mean I can't realistically give an advice or what?

    3. I think I'm more concerned with this ambiguous friendship demarcation line trap than she is. Do ENFJs realize how much of a potential trap they're setting up in this? Not that I don't enjoy it, but still, it's a very potent trap.

  2. #2
    Senior Member thinkinjazz's Avatar
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    May 2009


    I used to be best friends with an ENFJ and even though she was very openly friendly, fun, and genuinely wanted to be a good person and do the right thing she just did not understand the true meaning of friendship. It took me three years before i realized we did not have the same feelings towards each other even as friends (I am a straight girl btw) despite having spent pretty much every waking moment together in high school- so basically I am agreeing with you that while they have genuinely nice intentions they are basically oblivious to the hurt they cause and are unreliable if you ever want a serious answer/commitment. To sum up, they genuinely want to be friends with everybody, so they prefer not to have particular relationships with any few people- they will not treat you differently or consider you someone special per se- although in my opinion everybody deserves to feel they are precious among their closest friends- otherwise they aren't really close friends.

  3. #3
    Senior Member SciVo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009


    Cypocalypse, it will probably take me days to suss out all the implications of what you said. However, I suspect that all you really need is an answer to your #2 and the orthogonality of your #3:

    2. Yes, for the love of Einstein, don't give her any advice she hasn't explicitly asked for! and even then make sure to double check that you're accounting for all of her universal human psychological needs before saying a single word.

    3 (perpendicular). Yes, you need to watch your step very carefully. It sounds like you're confident in your ability to navigate her emotional minefield, so I won't say that you have to cut her off; and it's possible that I'm nuts, but I think that it would help for your girlfriend to know how wary you are of the other before she finds out some other way about the time that you're spending with an apparent maneater.
    INFP ~ Fi/Ne/Ni/Te ~ 9-2-4 sp/so

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