[INFJ] INFJs don't seem overemotional

[Lux]

I am emotional, but I also prefer not to 'impose' (for lack of a better word) my emotional state on most people, as for one thing, it is often a momentary emotion and I have yet to work through it/process my feelings/thoughts, so don't want to expose it prematurely, and for another thing I simply don't think there is a need to introduce my mood into most conversations - it would serve no purpose.

I will be more open with those I really trust, and show them that side of me, but I am always careful because I feel I have many sides to my personality, and feel most people can handle only a select % of myself - say, person A can handle/accept 50% of my thoughts and emotions, whereas person B maybe only 20%, whereas person C an entirely different 20%, etc. That's another reason I am selective.

This a good description of myself as well. I also divvy up different parts of my emotional world depending on what (I think) others can or want to handle. I don't like to show anyone a high percentage of my emotions. Even with my husband who I am completely myself with and trust 100%, I only show the messy emotions to him when I have to, which doesn't happen very often. When it happens he's great about it. It's still hard to get out of the lifelong habit of concealing my emotions when others are looking, even with him. I suppose I don't like to trouble him with them.

 

[MrRandom]

I'm very emotional. However, my emotions are pretty much hidden and under control. I'm very calm and NT-like. To me, overly emotional means lack of control over feelings. Letting the car drive itself, so to speak. And INFJs make tremendous drivers in the world of emotions (and very bad drivers in the physical world )

A person whom I thought was an INFP took the test and he was an ISFP instead. Anyway, he's the most ridiculously overly emotional human being. And he's very poetic about it. If he doesn't feel like picking up a sock from the floor, he might go: "Oh, the sock is far beyond my limitless reach and my bones ache from the very thought of moving. I feel like the sky had fallen on me, crushed and helpless, screaming for help ". Then he can't move for the rest of the day and wallows in his magnified pain. I like helping people by listening to their problems, but that guy drives me nuts. His problems are often so minor that it annoys me when he goes on and on about them and makes them like the world was ending. I have bigger problems myself and I'm not saying a word.

Is that typical for ISFPs? I thought maybe some of the emo-INFP traits you talked about might be misplaced and belong to ISFP instead? I don't know.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

The INFJ I know is very verbal and effusive with her feelings. She never shuts up (in a good way!). I definitely know when she doesn't like something and when she does.

 

[ReadingRainbows]

The INFJ I know is very verbal and effusive with her feelings. She never shuts up (in a good way!). I definitely know when she doesn't like something and when she does.

I'm like that.

 

[Gloriana]

Yeah, I think it messes with peeps heads sometimes because I will say "I feel so hurt" but unless they are very close to me, it does not "show". Those I trust and feel safe with will see everything, those I don't will just hear about it for the most part.

I'm expressive with enthusiasm and excitement, I'm expressive when I'm irked by something, but I can swallow hurt and pain like nobody's business. I can swallow it so well that sometimes I don't even realize I was hurt by something until I get alone and it hits me.

I can get my point across about how I feel with words and inflections, but for someone to have access to the raw, fresh emotion I have to be close with them. For me personally, I grew up in a family that would wield that stuff like tools and use it against you or deconstruct the validity of it right to your face. Hence, I just don't let just anyone 'in here'. I can talk about pretty much every emotion I've had and why, I'm open in that respect, but letting people SEE it is a different story.

Logically I know very well that no one can take anything away from me that I do not let them take, nor can they step on something I don't let them step on. I've had to do a lot of work rearranging my way of thinking and not be so sensitive.

Still, at the end of the day, when someone shows me their emotions and how they feel, I consider it a very precious thing not to be fucked with. I'm not talking about mollycoddling someone either, I mean that even if I'm up front about my perspective on any given situation, I try to take care never to invalidate a feeling or emotion. I guess I just do not trust that the same respect will be provided to me by someone I don't know well, and so I am choosy about whom I let see my emotions or feelings in their rawest form.

 

[Laurie]

INFJs are the least overly emotional of any F type, by a long shot.

It's often said that they're as close to NTs as one can get without actually being one.

Wow, so not my experience. But, I guess, like stated earlier, it is different if you are in a relationship with one.

 

[ReadingRainbows]

Wow, so not my experience. But, I guess, like stated earlier, it is different if you are in a relationship with one.

I CONCUR!!!!!! My first really important boyfriend was another INFJ. It was so emotional and kinda extreme (I was 14 at the time).

 

[Laurie]

I hadn't considered the fact that his F could be higher than mine.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

Having my emotions all hanging out all over the place in public would be the symbolic equivalent of dropping my drawers in the middle of a busy shopping mall. The emotions are there, I just don't feel that everyone needs to see them.

I can relate to this, and I tend to feel things slowly and deeply. It can take me a while to react. I have never found the T or F descriptions to fit with how I think or experience the world.

Being able to regulate my emotions to achieve a goal is important to me. I will make most important decisions based on all the information I can collect which includes emotion, but is not limited to that. My mind is driven towards integration of diverse elements and perspectives which are of an abstract nature. I struggle with the concrete.

It could be something like the INTJ emphasis on creating efficient systems, but I prefer emotional systems to be simple, efficient, and without stress. Dramatic displays can be entertaining, but in the end wear me down because I can't keep up. Negativity for the purpose of competition and displaying social toughness/dominance also looks like inefficient expenditure of emotional energy. I'm not social by nature because such displays of image creation and group perceptions are subjective and constantly shifting to the extreme. That type of social/emotional energy is absent in me. I value letting the people do whatever pleases them, but for my own little world, I seek out a kind of reasonable pleasantness that allows myself and those close to me to focus on what we find most interesting.

 

[lane777]

Having my emotions all hanging out all over the place in public would be the symbolic equivalent of dropping my drawers in the middle of a busy shopping mall. The emotions are there, I just don't feel that everyone needs to see them.

Yes, I do tend to keep emotions to myself for this reason. Still, I do feel that most INFJ's are less emotional than other F types. Eric B has theorized type correlations here. I've studied it and it seems pretty solid. He suggests that the INFJ is a Melancholy-Supine/Phlegmatic (60% Mel 40% Supine or 60% Mel 40% Phleg), which is rather odd since the pure Melancholy comes out as a T and a pure Supine/Phlegmatic an F). The real significance of this mixture is the INFJ is the only type that has Melancholy as the dominant personality while coming out as an F - any other produces a T. This may explain why INFJ's seem T-ish.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

Yeah, I think it messes with peeps heads sometimes because I will say "I feel so hurt" but unless they are very close to me, it does not "show". Those I trust and feel safe with will see everything, those I don't will just hear about it for the most part.

I'm expressive with enthusiasm and excitement, I'm expressive when I'm irked by something, but I can swallow hurt and pain like nobody's business. I can swallow it so well that sometimes I don't even realize I was hurt by something until I get alone and it hits me.

I can get my point across about how I feel with words and inflections, but for someone to have access to the raw, fresh emotion I have to be close with them. For me personally, I grew up in a family that would wield that stuff like tools and use it against you or deconstruct the validity of it right to your face. Hence, I just don't let just anyone 'in here'. I can talk about pretty much every emotion I've had and why, I'm open in that respect, but letting people SEE it is a different story.

Logically I know very well that no one can take anything away from me that I do not let them take, nor can they step on something I don't let them step on. I've had to do a lot of work rearranging my way of thinking and not be so sensitive.

Still, at the end of the day, when someone shows me their emotions and how they feel, I consider it a very precious thing not to be fucked with. I'm not talking about mollycoddling someone either, I mean that even if I'm up front about my perspective on any given situation, I try to take care never to invalidate a feeling or emotion. I guess I just do not trust that the same respect will be provided to me by someone I don't know well, and so I am choosy about whom I let see my emotions or feelings in their rawest form.

Perfect description

 

[Orangey]

I don't know, much of what's being said here contradicts a lot of what I've come to understand. A fair amount of people here seem convinced that INFJs are less outwardly emotional than INFPs, and thus appear more "T-ish" to the outside observer. However, testimony from most INFPs (and a lot of people who have encountered INFPs) has them sounding pretty icy and unemotional to the outside observer as well. Additionally, the INFP's dominant function, introverted feeling, supports the idea that INFPs would be more likely to keep their feelings to themselves.

By contrast, the extroverted feeling of INFJs would in theory make them more apt to be emotionally effusive. How do you reconcile this with the claim that INFJs are the least outwardly emotional of the NFs?

Before retorting with the statement, "well, INFJs are outwardly emotional, but only with people close to them," let's be clear that the same claim is made for INFPs as well. This is therefore not a distinguishing feature of the INFJ, and cannot be used to support the claim that INFJs are less outwardly emotional (and therefore more "T-ish") than other NFs.

So, what gives?

 

[OrangeAppled]

I don't know, much of what's being said here contradicts a lot of what I've come to understand. A fair amount of people here seem convinced that INFJs are less outwardly emotional than INFPs, and thus appear more "T-ish" to the outside observer. However, testimony from most INFPs (and a lot of people who have encountered INFPs) has them sounding pretty icy and unemotional to the outside observer as well. Additionally, the INFP's dominant function, introverted feeling, supports the idea that INFPs would be more likely to keep their feelings to themselves.

By contrast, the extroverted feeling of INFJs would in theory make them more apt to be emotionally effusive. How do you reconcile this with the claim that INFJs are the least outwardly emotional of the NFs?

Before retorting with the statement, "well, INFJs are outwardly emotional, but only with people close to them," let's be clear that the same claim is made for INFPs as well. This is therefore not a distinguishing feature of the INFJ, and cannot be used to support the claim that INFJs are less outwardly emotional (and therefore more "T-ish") than other NFs.

So, what gives?

I personally don't know INFJs, but going off of ones online and celebs typed as such, they have a polite warmth to them, but seem more emotionally in control. They have more of an even temper on the surface, which might read T to some. I suppose that is the Fe social face: pleasant. I never got a T vibe from them, but that's my impression.

INFPs, in contrast, can seem more prickly and cold on the surface, and that can give off a moody vibe even if there are no large outward displays of emotion (especially when such emotions are considered "appropriate" or expected). So in that sense, INFPs may seem more temperamental as opposed to even & pleasant, and that may translate to emotional for people. On the other hand, it can also make them seem arrogant, distant, and uncaring, which people associate with T (maybe unfairly).

Not all INFPs are that way though. Some report being seen as nice and easygoing, but I hear that more from male INFPs.

 

[EcK]

...until they snap out on you

*shudders*

 

[Orangey]

I personally don't know INFJs, but going off of ones online and celebs typed as such, they have a polite warmth to them, but seem more emotionally in control. They have more of an even temper on the surface, which might read T to some. I suppose that is the Fe social face: pleasant. I never got a T vibe from them, but that's my impression.

INFPs, in contrast, can seem more prickly and cold on the surface, and that can give off a moody vibe even if there are no large outward displays of emotion (especially when such emotions are considered "appropriate" or expected). So in that sense, INFPs may seem more temperamental as opposed to even & pleasant, and that may translate to emotional for people. On the other hand, it can also make them seem arrogant, distant, and uncaring, which people associate with T (maybe unfairly).

Not all INFPs are that way though. Some report being seen as nice and easygoing, but I hear that more from male INFPs.

Ah, so it's two different interpretations of what counts as outwardly unemotional behavior. In that case, though, I don't see how we can call either INFPs or INFJs more "T-ish" than the other.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Ah, so it's two different interpretations of what counts as outwardly unemotional behavior. In that case, though, I don't see how we can call either INFPs or INFJs more "T-ish" than the other.

Yep...and I agree. It's really a matter of perspective, and "T-ish" is probably more of an individual thing than a type thing for any NF.

Although, I'd say online, INFJs may seem less emotional also. Anonymity makes INFXs feel safe, so Ni is probably more exposed for INFJs. The INFJs forum seems more analytical because of it (tediously so), topped off with Fe politeness and formality. INFPgc is pretty emotionally charged, because you get a lot of INFPs feeling safe to vent, and the cold social face comes off. However, emotionally charged can also mean blunt and rude, so again, you get a dose of what may seem like abrasive T.

 

[MFJAGgernaut-B]

Not overemotional? Do you not like my expressionless INFJ stone face? What's wrong with not being able to tell I don't give a rat's ass?

 

[Wellspring]

The INFJs I know tend to have a polite, pleasant manner which usually makes people like them without actually getting close to them. We often come across as diplomatic, tactful, and caring people: and we are capable of enthusing and being effusive – but it will never be about ourselves (unless we are with the chosen few we trust). I have seen INFJs (me included) dancing a jig over somebody else's kids' pictures. Catch them gushing like that in public over their own children…

It's just a manner we have. We try to make people feel comfortable, and all too often we end up as everybody and his wife's confidant. In these roles we will not appear unemotional. But we will give out very little of our OWN emotions.

It's not that we don't feel, but we are very well at managing over emotions, and it’s very important that 'nobody will know'. I know of cases where INFJs went on working in an office after an affair with a coworker was over, and nobody could possibly guess either their previous involvement or their current unhappiness. We keep our secrets well, which is why others trust us with their own secrets.

However, we do feel, and when we let ourselves get emotional it might look quite extreme. I actually learned to share my emotions unguardedly only with other INFJS – everybody else, including very caring ESFJs I knew, ended up looking alarmed and asking why I am taking everything to heart and being 'too sensitive'! Only other INFJs know that you've been bottling up everything and presenting a tranquil, totally-in-control face to the world, and that you are darn tired of that.

 

[Fife]

Only other INFJs know that you've been bottling up everything and presenting a tranquil, totally-in-control face to the world, and that you are darn tired of that.

Absolutely. An emotional outlet is important too. Not always easy to find though

Even when I know people well and trust them, I may not show what I'm really feeling. Say it, maybe... But why lump them with your life? Like Wellspring says though, it gets tiring

 

[Sarcasticus]

Having my emotions all hanging out all over the place in public would be the symbolic equivalent of dropping my drawers in the middle of a busy shopping mall. The emotions are there, I just don't feel that everyone needs to see them.

There's an image that's going to stay with me for a while. Great metaphor.