• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[INFJ] INFJs don't seem overemotional

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
14,037
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
496
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
The INFJs I know tend to have a polite, pleasant manner which usually makes people like them without actually getting close to them. We often come across as diplomatic, tactful, and caring people: and we are capable of enthusing and being effusive – but it will never be about ourselves (unless we are with the chosen few we trust). I have seen INFJs (me included) dancing a jig over somebody else's kids' pictures. Catch them gushing like that in public over their own children…

It's just a manner we have. We try to make people feel comfortable, and all too often we end up as everybody and his wife's confidant. In these roles we will not appear unemotional. But we will give out very little of our OWN emotions.

It's not that we don't feel, but we are very well at managing over emotions, and it’s very important that 'nobody will know'. I know of cases where INFJs went on working in an office after an affair with a coworker was over, and nobody could possibly guess either their previous involvement or their current unhappiness. We keep our secrets well, which is why others trust us with their own secrets.

However, we do feel, and when we let ourselves get emotional it might look quite extreme. I actually learned to share my emotions unguardedly only with other INFJS – everybody else, including very caring ESFJs I knew, ended up looking alarmed and asking why I am taking everything to heart and being 'too sensitive'! Only other INFJs know that you've been bottling up everything and presenting a tranquil, totally-in-control face to the world, and that you are darn tired of that.
I can relate to much in this post. There is also an aspect to my emotional world that my INFP sister has trouble accepting. I am able to observe and experience at the same time even when experiencing a fair amount of trauma. It is like having two streams of thought coexisting: one that is analytical and observing and the other emotional and experiencing. This allows me to admit when my mind is influenced by emotions while I am experiencing the emotion. If it is the PMS I will admit it while it is happening, and if it is my misperception, I try to admit my error and correct it regardless of its subjective impact on me. If something has happened that causes a great deal of pain, I can hold off any expression of it until I am alone and safe. I make sure to experience almost all of my intense emotional responses alone, and then when I know I have settled down, I re-enter the world of people to communicate in a reasonable way.

I don't like to talk about my feelings because I don't want to be handled when in an emotional state, because I don't want to place that burden on people and I know what I need to do to get clear again. I don't want to express something irrational when I know it's not my true self or conclusions. It is very much like not wanting to talk about feeling queasy and throwing up. I know when I'm not thinking clearly and prefer to wait it out. Being a reasonable person regardless of circumstance is probably the single most important thing to me.
 
Last edited:

cascadeco

New member
Joined
Oct 7, 2007
Messages
9,083
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
[...]It is like having two streams of thought coexisting: one that is analytical and observing and the other emotional and experiencing. This allows me to admit when my mind is influenced by emotions while I am experiencing the emotion. If it is the PMS I will admit it while it is happening, and if it is my misperception, I try to admit my error [....]

I don't like to talk about my feelings because I don't want to be handled when in an emotional state, because I don't want to place that burden on people and I know what I need to do to get clear again. I don't want to express something irrational when I know it's not my true self or conclusions. It is very much like not wanting to talk about feeling queasy and throwing up. I know when I'm not thinking clearly and prefer to wait it out. Being a reasonable person regardless of circumstance is probably the single most important thing to me.

Yes, I relate very much to the bolded pieces.

As I said earlier, I choose to let go a bit more and show my true emotional state, in the moment, with a very, very, very select trusted few. And with those select few, I desire to share all of myself with them, and I give myself 'permission' to be more vulnerable and cracked. [but I must also add - if it's a feeling/thought pattern I've experienced in the past, or shared in the past, I won't go in detail in future occurrences...as it's more old hat by that point...I might just be like: "Blah, yeah, bad day, in the black hole of my mind, you know, what can you do. Haha." ;)]

But for most other situations, it's like what I've bolded above: I know/sense when I'm not thinking clearly, I sense when it's a purely emotive response, or paranoia on my part that I know will dissipate after I reflect, and I factor in the hormonal aspect and know not to necessarily 'trust' or put much weight on my feelings at times, because, well, I know they might fade into nothingness.

So I therefore will choose, in most cases, to just sift through it all on my own - because in most cases, I'm the only one who can do anything about any of it anyway. All anyone else can do is listen and provide support, which, you know, can become draining on any listener if done in excess. Or else like I said earlier, I'll do my self-assessment thing, gain clarity on the thoughts behind the emotions, and will speak once I have that clarity - not in the midst of the turbulence, as that doesn't necessarily reflect my true, grounded thoughts - as you say, toonia. I actually dislike having my thoughts clouded by pure emotion - I want to reach that more centered place before I enter the discussion.... as half the time, once I've done my little timeout and done the assessing, I won't even have the same feelings I had had initially, thus I've saved myself from the pain/inaccuracy of speaking too soon, and saved the other person too from pointless additives.

Also....in recent years I think I've simply become more 'accepting', as well as aware, of my flux of emotions, and because I know they are a flux, and I know I'll have good days and bad days, cynical days and more optimistic days, lonely days and joyful days....it's just a passing of the seasons, sort of...and it's just life itself....I just ride them out. No need to project all of it to everyone I encounter, as it's just a reality.

I will share of my emotional state when it involves my relationship with another, the nature of that interaction, in order to maintain honesty and 'realness', and sort of in conjunction with that (going back to where I started in this post) I will also selectively share as a means of connecting with another person who I value, trust, and respect.

And...:smile:...I am now repeating myself and going in circles. I'll stop! Another long post enters the annals of my posting. ha.
 

fill

"Everything in its place"
Joined
Jun 28, 2009
Messages
507
MBTI Type
entp
Enneagram
753
I usually don't have strong feelings unless it's triggered by somebody else's feelings. This especially comes with sadness of others. That kills me. If someone looks sad, especially if I know them and am used to their regular, happy state, I get really down. This happens for two reasons: I hate seeing them said and I don't feel I can do anything about it. I'm not extroverted enough to simply ask, "What's wrong?" if it's in front of people, and I feel as if I'm forcing myself on them if I barge in on their alone time. Sometimes I wish I could be more ENFJ. The dilemma will get stuck in my head, and I end up becoming more sad than the person who made me sad in the first place; what a vicious circle...
 

whimsical

New member
Joined
Feb 27, 2009
Messages
351
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
4
I can relate to much in this post. There is also an aspect to my emotional world that my INFP sister has trouble accepting. I am able to observe and experience at the same time even when experiencing a fair amount of trauma. It is like having two streams of thought coexisting: one that is analytical and observing and the other emotional and experiencing. This allows me to admit when my mind is influenced by emotions while I am experiencing the emotion. If it is the PMS I will admit it while it is happening, and if it is my misperception, I try to admit my error and correct it regardless of its subjective impact on me. If something has happened that causes a great deal of pain, I can hold off any expression of it until I am alone and safe. I make sure to experience almost all of my intense emotional responses alone, and then when I know I have settled down, I re-enter the world of people to communicate in a reasonable way.

I don't like to talk about my feelings because I don't want to be handled when in an emotional state, because I don't want to place that burden on people and I know what I need to do to get clear again. I don't want to express something irrational when I know it's not my true self or conclusions. It is very much like not wanting to talk about feeling queasy and throwing up. I know when I'm not thinking clearly and prefer to wait it out. Being a reasonable person regardless of circumstance is probably the single most important thing to me.
great posts, explain a lot.

I think one of the biggest things about infjs is that they know how to control their emotions and this burden issue which you speak of, they strive to be as little of a burden on others because they know others have their own problems to deal with. Instead of pouring out their emotions they want to help the other person with theirs, because they know emotional states very well and can even feel with the other person what they are feeling if they can come to a full enough understanding of what the other person is going through in their world. Also not to mention the great feeling of satisfaction INFJs will often get simply through helping this other person; It comes to be one of the driving forces in these special type's lives, I would presume.
 

lillyofthevalley

New member
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
157
MBTI Type
INFJ
Having my emotions all hanging out all over the place in public would be the symbolic equivalent of dropping my drawers in the middle of a busy shopping mall. The emotions are there, I just don't feel that everyone needs to see them.

Yes to this, 100%! It really bothers me when I see others showing too much emotion in public. I can't stand drama. Even when someone is not feeling well, if they're laying around groaning all day long, it really gets on my nerves.

Once my 6'3 240 lb. boyfriend tripped off the front stoop and twisted his ankle, he layed out in the front yard and writhed in pain. I wanted to go over yell at him to suck it up and get his butt in the house but instead I asked if he needed any help. If he had limped up to the front door with a pained look on his face I would have felt genuine concern.

Does this kind of thing bother anyone else, or am I an ogre?
 

scortia

New member
Joined
May 23, 2009
Messages
201
MBTI Type
INFJ
I personally don't bother getting emotional because there's no real need to. The only emotion I have no control over is frustration (and the crying related to that... aka I can't punch him/her in the face or curse him out thus I'm left with just tears to cope).

I also don't bother because next to no one relates to me on "that level". I'd say I get very passionate for a few things but not emotional. Also, I find almost everything too trivial for emotion. Breaking up with a boyfriend, having a fight, it all seems so trivial to me.
 

Koocoomoo

New member
Joined
Mar 27, 2009
Messages
127
MBTI Type
iNFp
Enneagram
4w3?
I can relate to much in this post. There is also an aspect to my emotional world that my INFP sister has trouble accepting. I am able to observe and experience at the same time even when experiencing a fair amount of trauma. It is like having two streams of thought coexisting: one that is analytical and observing and the other emotional and experiencing. This allows me to admit when my mind is influenced by emotions while I am experiencing the emotion. If it is the PMS I will admit it while it is happening, and if it is my misperception, I try to admit my error and correct it regardless of its subjective impact on me. If something has happened that causes a great deal of pain, I can hold off any expression of it until I am alone and safe. I make sure to experience almost all of my intense emotional responses alone, and then when I know I have settled down, I re-enter the world of people to communicate in a reasonable way.

I don't like to talk about my feelings because I don't want to be handled when in an emotional state, because I don't want to place that burden on people and I know what I need to do to get clear again. I don't want to express something irrational when I know it's not my true self or conclusions. It is very much like not wanting to talk about feeling queasy and throwing up. I know when I'm not thinking clearly and prefer to wait it out. Being a reasonable person regardless of circumstance is probably the single most important thing to me.

I know what that's like. Except I don't tell people what i'm feeling because I don't like putting myself in a vulnerable position
 

SilkRoad

Lay the coin on my tongue
Joined
May 26, 2009
Messages
3,932
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I am able to observe and experience at the same time even when experiencing a fair amount of trauma. It is like having two streams of thought coexisting: one that is analytical and observing and the other emotional and experiencing. This allows me to admit when my mind is influenced by emotions while I am experiencing the emotion.

:yes: Yes, yes, yes. You put this really well, IMHO. I have a weird metaphor for it myself...it's like two big bouncing beach balls, and when my emotions go bouncing off in one direction, my logic may go bouncing in another. Well, this is when the emotions aren't really under control. I have had times (ie. when I got dumped by someone I really cared about and who I thought felt exactly the same way) when logically I knew very clearly that it was for the best, and that getting back together with him (even if he'd been interested) would have been a horrible idea on many levels...but because I'm more of an emotional than a thinking person, my emotions were still crashing over me and overwhelming me, in a way that might have seemed very contradictory to the logical thoughts. I think this is something that I may not have learned to bring under control and I would like to be able to at least a bit more. I don't appreciate being overwhelmed with devastating emotions at the same time that a logical part of me knows that in a way there's really no need for it!

This has been an interesting thread. I think INFJs are very emotional but that we preserve a calm dispassionate exterior much/most of the time. If I feel fairly comfortable with someone, even if we're not really close, they may get to see some of my passion and enthusiasm, maybe for a hobby I really love or whatever. But seeing my strong emotions - not a lot of people get to see that. The weird thing is, even if I get upset enough with you to blow up at you, in a weird way it's a kind of backhanded compliment. It probably means that I have a certain level of trust/closeness with you already that I don't with many people. I wouldn't blow up at someone I don't know quite well and trust to a certain extent - it would leave me feeling very embarassed and vulnerable.
 

INTJ123

HAHHAHHAH!
Joined
Jun 20, 2009
Messages
777
MBTI Type
ESFP
oh yes they are, very very emotional, not often expressed despite Fe.

"Some vent the attending emotions in private, to trusted allies. Such confidants are chosen with care, for INFJs are well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals. This particular combination of introverted intuition and extraverted feeling provides INFJs with the raw material from which perceptive counselors are shaped. "
 

TopherRed

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2009
Messages
1,272
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
2w3
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
Like I know some ENFPs, I know an INFP (other than myself) and I know an ENFJ.
The ENFPs and INFP are SUPER melodramatic.

The ENFJ isn't a cryer, but he's very emotional in his arguments and rules out logic almost entirely.

But I don't know any :heart:INFJs:heart: really well. They don't seem to be too emotional though. They seem to be almost Ts.
Most INFP are high Fs
So are INFJs low fs?

Back to the OP,

I don't rule out logic, it's just my weakest point, and I don't choose it much of the time in lieu of "people considerations". Be careful with your generalizations Koocoomoo. As Keirsey says, it tends to be the holy grail of the ENFJ to find logic in his/her life. That definetly holds true for me--I don't feel as though I can respect myself without at least examining something dispassionately, though I don't claim to weild logic without error.

And I do cry. Once, every three years. :) It's just hard to find somebody I trust enough to break down like that in front of...it's very rare that I'll want to do so. When I do, it's like the weight of the world lifts off me and I'm ready to go for another three. :D
 

Koocoomoo

New member
Joined
Mar 27, 2009
Messages
127
MBTI Type
iNFp
Enneagram
4w3?
Back to the OP,

I don't rule out logic, it's just my weakest point, and I don't choose it much of the time in lieu of "people considerations". Be careful with your generalizations Koocoomoo. As Keirsey says, it tends to be the holy grail of the ENFJ to find logic in his/her life. That definetly holds true for me--I don't feel as though I can respect myself without at least examining something dispassionately, though I don't claim to weild logic without error.

And I do cry. Once, every three years. :) It's just hard to find somebody I trust enough to break down like that in front of...it's very rare that I'll want to do so. When I do, it's like the weight of the world lifts off me and I'm ready to go for another three. :D

Gah!
I'm not making generalizations person,
I was referring to the people I know.
The ENFPs and the INFP that I KNOW are melodramatic.
And the ENFJ I KNOW is w/o logic!
Not talking about you, or any other ENFPs or INFPs.
Can this be settled please? In none of my posts to I ever generalize.
-I should write a disclaimer from now on. =/
 

SuperFob

New member
Joined
Aug 7, 2008
Messages
264
MBTI Type
INFJ
I've heard that INFJ's are the most sensitive type, but I don't see how that can be true. I would think that INFP's and ENFJ's would be more sensitive than INFJ's, for the obvious reason that they have feeling as their dominant, not secondary like INFJ's do.
 

scortia

New member
Joined
May 23, 2009
Messages
201
MBTI Type
INFJ
SuperFob: I think internally we may be the most sensitive type. When I was ENFP and INFP in my youth I took things way less to heart. I could use escapism way more back then. Now everything seems to effect my self so much more, down to the core, in a way that isn't easily expressible so I internalize it.
 

Koocoomoo

New member
Joined
Mar 27, 2009
Messages
127
MBTI Type
iNFp
Enneagram
4w3?
SuperFob: I think internally we may be the most sensitive type. When I was ENFP and INFP in my youth I took things way less to heart. I could use escapism way more back then. Now everything seems to effect my self so much more, down to the core, in a way that isn't easily expressible so I internalize it.

Ouch.
I'm sorry - that sounds bad.:hug:
 

Skyward

Badoom~
Joined
Jul 3, 2008
Messages
1,084
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
9w1
I've heard that INFJ's are the most sensitive type, but I don't see how that can be true. I would think that INFP's and ENFJ's would be more sensitive than INFJ's, for the obvious reason that they have feeling as their dominant, not secondary like INFJ's do.

There is a difference between reactivity and sensitivity. I few an INFJs sensitivity as being able to scope out all the nooks and crannies of an impression or emotion they have so that they glean the most out of it. ENFJs and INFPs are on different ends of the spectrum of feeling. Where an ENFJ uses feeling to mainly meet an end, and INFPs see feeling as an end itself. INFJs are somewhere in the middle, especially since Ni is their main function and is made to see all sides of an issue or piece of information.
 

mockingbird

New member
Joined
Aug 31, 2009
Messages
249
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
9w1
I don't know if INFJs are less emotional than other Fs. I don't actually know any other INFJs other than myself. I will say that I am much less demonstrative about my negative feelings than most of the other feelers that I know.(I do however know a INFP who is perhaps even less demonstrative than I). People have their own pain to deal with without being burdened by my feelings. I also find that I have many feelings, thoughts, and ideas that others would not understand so I often keep them to myself until I can talk to those who would appreciate what I have to say.

I do wish a couple of my other Feeler friends would afford me the same curtesy of not burdening me with all their negative emotions. I am usually a compasionate person but certain people I know put on such a dramatic display about their pain that all I feel is annoyance. This is really hard for me because so many times I will realize that they truly are in pain and if they weren't displaying it in such an overt manner I could actually feel the compassion necessary for me to act warmly towards them. I still try my best to be generous with them but it is very trying on my patience. I guess it's actually because Im so willing to play the part of everyone's counsellor that I find this so repelling. I mean, everyone that knows me knows that I am full of more hugs and comforting words than most people even want. So it's actually hurtful to me when someone feels that they have to demand this of me. At that point, I no longer feel as though I'm giving of myself to someone, but rather greasing a squeaky wheel. Once a gift is demanded, it's no longer a gift. Why do they think they have to be so overly dramatic to get my sympathy? It's like walking into a soup kitchen for the homeless with a gun in one's hand saying, "Give me a meal or I'll shoot!" Unnecessary, really. Don't know if this makes sense to anyone else or not but I do feel a bit better for having expressed this anyway. I would never tell someone this in person in a million years.
 

lillyofthevalley

New member
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
157
MBTI Type
INFJ
I don't know if INFJs are less emotional than other Fs. I don't actually know any other INFJs other than myself. I will say that I am much less demonstrative about my negative feelings than most of the other feelers that I know.(I do however know a INFP who is perhaps even less demonstrative than I). People have their own pain to deal with without being burdened by my feelings. I also find that I have many feelings, thoughts, and ideas that others would not understand so I often keep them to myself until I can talk to those who would appreciate what I have to say.

I do wish a couple of my other Feeler friends would afford me the same courtesy of not burdening me with all their negative emotions. I am usually a compassionate person but certain people I know put on such a dramatic display about their pain that all I feel is annoyance. This is really hard for me because so many times I will realize that they truly are in pain and if they weren't displaying it in such an overt manner I could actually feel the compassion necessary for me to act warmly towards them. I still try my best to be generous with them but it is very trying on my patience. I guess it's actually because I'm so willing to play the part of every one's counsellor that I find this so repelling. I mean, everyone that knows me knows that I am full of more hugs and comforting words than most people even want. So it's actually hurtful to me when someone feels that they have to demand this of me. At that point, I no longer feel as though I'm giving of myself to someone, but rather greasing a squeaky wheel. Once a gift is demanded, it's no longer a gift. Why do they think they have to be so overly dramatic to get my sympathy? It's like walking into a soup kitchen for the homeless with a gun in one's hand saying, "Give me a meal or I'll shoot!" Unnecessary, really. Don't know if this makes sense to anyone else or not but I do feel a bit better for having expressed this anyway. I would never tell someone this in person in a million years.

I completely understand you. You feel their pain and want to help but you don't want to end up being clung to either, you're also aware that you might be the only person they can go to so the last thing you want to do is turn your back on them. You might be tempted to offer advice but they don't take it, they keep coming back with the same stuff like a skipping CD until you finally realize they just need to hear themselves talk until they can sort it out for themselves. The bizarre thing is that they're your best friend until they manage to find their way out their hole, then you rarely hear from them again. It's similar to the wild bird with the broken wing.

This might be a me thing and not an INFJ thing but I have a real issue with commitment to just about anything. I'm always concerned I will get involved with a cause or a person, become disillusioned and want to back out but I know that calling it quits causes me grief. I don't want to let anybody down and I get disgusted with myself for not seeing it through. When I was younger I would find myself carrying on with projects long after everyone else had dropped out. Sometimes people would gave me a gift or a luncheon to show their gratitude thinking I was doing all that work because I was dedicated and while I felt a bit of satisfaction that I was being thanked the truth is that the thanks didn't amount to it's full measure with me because I had spent so much time feeling resentful. Eventually I learned to say no, I learned to keep my distance and I learned to voice my dissatisfaction if I had to. I also learned that just because I can pick up on subtle clues to someone's emotional state, most people aren't as tuned in or turn a deaf ear if it suits them. I have to be pretty certain I'm going to be OK to see something through before I say yes because there's always that chance I'll get completely caught up in it.
 

mwv6r

New member
Joined
Nov 22, 2008
Messages
208
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
I think I seem pretty calm and collected to people who know me casually, but there is a seething cauldron of emotion beneath the surface. My husband jokes that I have a "tornado" spinning around in my brain whenever I'm upset or moody. Very few people ever see that side of me though. In fact when I'm upset I go to great lengths to pretend to be fine in front of all but my very closest confidantes.
 

mwv6r

New member
Joined
Nov 22, 2008
Messages
208
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
I've heard that INFJ's are the most sensitive type, but I don't see how that can be true. I would think that INFP's and ENFJ's would be more sensitive than INFJ's, for the obvious reason that they have feeling as their dominant, not secondary like INFJ's do.

I read somewhere that INFJs are the second most sensitive type, behind INFPs. That rings true to me, because I am extremely sensitive and easily hurt (though I often don't reveal this), and probably the only people more sensitive than me that I've ever met were all INFPs. However, as far as demonstrative emotion, I would guess that INFJs rank behind many other feeling types in that.
 

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
18,235
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
784
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
damn...i don't think enfps appear super emotional do we?

but no i get this very strong feeling from the two infjs i know and damn is it hard to see them become emotional...it makes me so protective feeling towards them...such strong creatures they are and then to see them break down...ughh...it's a painful thing to witness.

edit: oh...haha of course we do, don't we...just realized i just did...haha. :D
 
Top