[NF] Do NFs Carry Torches For Past S/O More Often?

[Charmed Justice]

Do NFs carry torches for past loves more often than other types? Most NTs I know, minus one, close the door for good. Most SPs I know just never look back.

Are NFs more likely to found pinning for a past love, even after they are in another LT relationship or marriage?

 

[cafe]

I pined for the only other guy I dated for over a year, but mentally shut it down when he married. Shortly after that, I met my husband. It was like a distant star on a sunny day. No comparison. I'm left with the occasional mild curiosity and deep thankfulness that I escaped from what would have been a miserable life.

 

[ergophobe]

Certainly longer than the actual relationship/whatever but not indefinitely. I'm with all other NFs in the painful over analysis of every romantic interaction. After this is complete, the door is firmly shut.

The process of convincing myself, killing the hope (irrepressible idealism/optimism) slowly about the prospect of things still working out is a long one. After the analysis, when I have a long enough list of why things wouldn't have worked out, the list of needs said person could never meet, incompatible traits, timing.....it's done. It's final and so liberating. Only when this is done, would I be open to meeting new people. Anything short of that is a recipe for disaster and unfair to a new prospect.

 

[Lady_X]

god no...it takes me so long to make the decision in the first place that after i do...i mean it.

 

[PeaceBaby]

The only things I carry around are the things I couldn't figure out. I had a friendship with a man where I couldn't plumb the emotional depths to find what I could accept as a truth. There are times I still wonder, but I will never know about that now.

But I would guess that NF's are likely the type to mourn over an unrequited love or a relationship gone wrong from a communication perspective more-so than other types.

 

[ReadingRainbows]

I'm left with the occasional mild curiosity and deep thankfulness that I escaped from what would have been a miserable life.

I've been there. I'm still thankful I let mine walk now that I can see it clearly.

 

[Charmed Justice]

I just finished reading, "The Five Men Who Broke My Heart" by Susan Shapiro. As a married woman in her early 40's(I think), she goes and finds the five most significant men in her romantic life to figure out what happened and what the attraction was all about. I wondered rather or not she was an NF. Who else would do something like that? I've read numerous articles written by people who are still in love, after decades and marriage and children, with some other person. I can't imagine these people being anything other than idealist, but an NT friend of mine just professed his undying love after 8 years, marriage, and children, so maybe it's more of an N thing.

 

[ReadingRainbows]

I just finished reading, "The Five Men Who Broke My Heart" by Susan Shapiro. As a married woman in her early 40's(I think), she goes and finds the five most significant men in her romantic life to figure out what happened and what the attraction was all about. I wondered rather or not she was an NF. Who else would do something like that? I've read numerous articles written by people who are still in love, after decades and marriage and children, with some other person. I can't imagine these people being anything other than idealist, but an NT friend of mine just professed his undying love after 8 years, marriage, and children, so maybe it's more of an N thing.

I wonder if it might possibly be a low self esteem thing more than a type trait.

 

[Charmed Justice]

I wonder if it might possibly be a low self esteem thing more than a type trait.

I don't know, from what I've been reading, it doesn't seem like it. Apparently, it's common, and so long as it's not pre-orchestrated, when people who have carried a torch for someone meet up again irl and manage to marry, they typically have a higher rate of marital success and happiness than any other group.: Old flames reunited make the most lasting marriages - Science, News - The Independent

The break ups are usually circumstantial, and not as a result of the two people not getting along.

 

[Amargith]

I don't think NFs are more likely to do so. I think that everyone is susceptible to this, depending on how they were hurt. I've known my share of NTPs for instance that carry this bagage with, without even knowing it, and retiring from the field or trying to because of what happened in the past. And I'm pretty sure they aint the only ones who respond that way, nor are NFs.

 

[ergophobe]

Old flames reunited make the most lasting marriages - Science, News - The Independent

The break ups are usually circumstantial, and not as a result of the two people not getting along.

Lady, don't do this to me -- this is just the kind of fodder that would keep us NFs in a perpetual loop of hoping against hope. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

 

[Charmed Justice]

Lady, don't do this to me -- this is just the kind of fodder that would keep us NFs in a perpetual loop of hoping against hope. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Aren't we NFs all about hope?

 

[Amargith]

^+^^ Peas in a pod, anyone?

 

[ergophobe]

We are, but I'm trying to break out of self-destructive behavior. Even in my eternally optimistic view, there are some places we should not revisit.

Help me sisters, don't encourage the madness....

 

[Charmed Justice]

We are, but I'm trying to break out of self-destructive behavior. Even in my eternally optimistic view, there are some places we should not revisit.

Help me sisters, don't encourage the madness....

But love isn't madness.

Or is it?

I think it's one thing to constantly consider someone who clearly was horrible for you(like they treated you badly, but you're obsessed), but I actually believe in the idea of soul mates.

If someone has found a soul mate, someone who speaks to the very foundation of who you are, I don't see how that can be let go. I also don't see how it would be healthy to let something like that go, in order to say, live a more socially acceptable life.

The fact that these long lost couples are truly happy and desirous of staying together in marriage speaks volumes imo. How is that self-destructive? A happy marriage can literally improve your physical and emotional status, whereas bad relationships can more than likely kill you.

 

[ergophobe]

Yes, I completely get your point and the difference between the two situations -- one is a bad match, the other a great match but the separation is a function of external circumstances perhaps.

I'm just VERY aware of my own ability to delude myself that the former is akin to the latter. I'm guessing I'm not alone in this ummm hobby.

 

[BlackCat]

I close the door for good or I keep up talking to them depending on how the break up went. But mostly close the door for good, for various reasons.

 

[Charmed Justice]

I'm guessing I'm not alone in this ummm hobby.

Absolutely not.

I have a friend that has started to finally close the door on exes, but she has a thing for attracting the crazies, and not a one of them was a mate to her soul. I get that completely.

I don't usually close the door completely, but I don't talk to any of my exes, mainly because I moved far far away from all of them, and there just isn't anything to talk about.

 

[ergophobe]

Thanks.

I don't do crazy but honing in on the emotionally unavailable is a real specialty of mine.

Ergo-glutton for punishment-phobe

p.s. Physical distance is a wise move

 

[sculpting]

So -along these same lines-even though you may never see these folks again, logically yo have closed the door, will you always have an emo connection with them?

Even friends-not just old flames.

Twice with two diff entps in the last two weeks I have had a very similiar conversation.

If you are my close friend/lover, but for some reason I stop talking to you, move away, never see you again-I will always care deeply for you and miss you-ever if I chose to end the relationship.

For me the caring, loving emotion can be seperated from the actual social interaction with the person. Fi is forever??? I will always, always care deeply if I cared to begin with.

My best friend entp was very confused by this. She said if you are not her friend, that means you are sort of gone and there no longer is any emo connection.

Is this me that is odd?