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[INFP] Male INFPs = Nice Guy/Average Frustrated Chump

Joined
Jul 3, 2008
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1,858
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so/sp
I find that the "typical nice guy" often equals passive jerk, and they usually possess thinly veiled misogynist views. Doing stuff like becoming a girl's friend to weasel your way into her heart (or bed) is manipulative. Pouring strong emotions onto an unsuspecting woman is overwhelming. That doesn't make you nice. Being reserved and easily embarrassed doesn't make you nice. I just wish these guys would drop the "nice" moniker and realize that their real problem is passiveness and poor social skills. Women don't like jerks, they like guys who aren't clingy and whiny.

My advice is to take more action and initiative, don't over fantasize and over-think it, get to know the person without the pressure of some love confession, put dating in perspective (it's not a judgment on your soul if you get rejected), don't be a downer, and view and talk to women as people (not goddesses on a pedestal or objects or goals).


Heartless Bitches International - Why "Nice Guys" are often such LOSERS

Heartless Bitches International - 'NiceGuy', 'Asshole' - Different Sides of the Same Coin

Often? Really? I feel badly for you!

Personally, I'm super terrified of emotions (both mine and others), so I stick to communicating as intuitively as possible. If either side can see through the clear eggshell, great. If not, I know I probably won't be comfortable with her in the long run. I am so automatically removed from my thoughts/feelings that I can imagine how someone would be completely dis/interested. Doesn't really concern me either way, really. If something clicks with a woman, it'll happen instinctively; if I feel it, I WILL know immediately and will take swift action. I work with kids, so I love people on the whole. Just spend time with them for the information mostly (and maybe a bi-monthly standaround).
 

ajblaise

Minister of Propagandhi
Joined
Aug 3, 2008
Messages
7,914
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INTP
I find that the "typical nice guy" often equals passive jerk, and they usually possess thinly veiled misogynist views. Doing stuff like becoming a girl's friend to weasel your way into her heart (or bed) is manipulative. Pouring strong emotions onto an unsuspecting woman is overwhelming. That doesn't make you nice. Being reserved and easily embarrassed doesn't make you nice. I just wish these guys would drop the "nice" moniker and realize that their real problem is passiveness and poor social skills. Women don't like jerks, they like guys who aren't clingy and whiny.

My advice is to take more action and initiative, don't over fantasize and over-think it, get to know the person without the pressure of some love confession, put dating in perspective (it's not a judgment on your soul if you get rejected), don't be a downer, and view and talk to women as people (not goddesses on a pedestal or objects or goals).


Heartless Bitches International - Why "Nice Guys" are often such LOSERS

Heartless Bitches International - 'NiceGuy', 'Asshole' - Different Sides of the Same Coin

Dang! U tell em.

Though a lot of the time on their part, I don't think it's quite misogyny, but bitterness that sometimes comes out in misogynistic blurts.
 

Tallulah

Emerging
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Feb 19, 2008
Messages
6,009
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:yes:

I think there's a bit of Fi involved here. With me, I felt like going down a romantic path with a girl I wasn't fully in love with was some sort of violation of my Fi romantic ideals. So I would slowly develop deep romantic feelings for her, and when I was finally smitten enough to "tell her how I feel", I had way too much invested.

I was almost in love with a girl that hadn't had a chance to really view me in a romantic light, and that never turned out well.

Oh, man. I had this happen with a former guitar teacher of mine, INTJ. When I told him I was moving, instead of "Oh, I'll miss you, please keep in touch," I got an emotional flip-out and a, "What about meeeee?" And I'm all, "hmm?" And basically he confessed his undying love to me. Which was TOTALLY out of left field for me, because I thought we'd just been hanging out and playing music. So, yeah. Dropping smaller hints of interest is good. :smile:
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
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Daaaaaaaamn calling people out!

OrangeAppley - can you start a thread in Bonfire or Relationships on this? I would love to hear what people say. There is already a thread on 'nice guys' but if you make the topic more specific like you did in your post, I promise not to merge the threads. :)

What's your suggestion for the specific thread topic then? You can take my post and start one if you want :D


Often? Really? I feel badly for you!

Notice the quotes. A truly nice guy doesn't fit that description. That's why "nice" is often misapplied.
 

r0wo1

New member
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INFP
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9w1
:yes:

It's a weird thing I had noticed between myself and the INFPs over at INFPgc. They think that telling a girl that you are interested in them, in a flattering but direct manner, is some sort of terrible sin. So they either say nothing or wait until the dam bursts and tell her everything.

I think there's a bit of Fi involved here. With me, I felt like going down a romantic path with a girl I wasn't fully in love with was some sort of violation of my Fi romantic ideals. So I would slowly develop deep romantic feelings for her, and when I was finally smitten enough to "tell her how I feel", I had way too much invested.

I was almost in love with a girl that hadn't had a chance to really view me in a romantic light, and that never turned out well.

Story of my life... haha Actually its the story of my right now! Thats fascinating!
 
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What's your suggestion for the specific thread topic then? You can take my post and start one if you want :D




Notice the quotes. A truly nice guy doesn't fit that description. That's why "nice" is often misapplied.

I'm confused as to why you care!

No, I just assumed your assertion was obvious before you announced it.
 
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But if somebody has to piss on the wall to separate the duds from the studs, it should be you!
 

r0wo1

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But if somebody has to piss on the wall to separate the duds from the studs, it should be you!

I pissed on a guy's car once because he flipped me off as he passed me... does that count?
 

Tikka

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Joined
Aug 15, 2009
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133
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INFJ

Actually, from these two descriptions, I'd say the Nice Guy is an ENFJ. It's a fitting description to these type of people.

They're active and assertive enough to initiate contact with a girl and take them out on a date, but because they're so focused on pleasing the girl by making wussy actions like asking her 10x an hour how she is, buying her gifts, idealizing her, telling how wonderful she is... that's all a turnoff for girls.

Probably, to make it more general, an NF is more of a feminine combo. I mean: intuition and feelings, how girlie do you wanna get?

Am I talking from experience? Yes ;) and yes, I also know ENFJs blame themselves when something goes wrong.
 

Usehername

On a mission
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This is very true. INFPs can be "AFCs" because they are afraid to take the risks they need to have the relationship they want.

So they almost try to passively trick a woman into dating them by becoming friends and never making their desires known. Yeah, that's a quick way to become frustrated.

I find that the "typical nice guy" often equals passive jerk, and they usually possess thinly veiled misogynist views. Doing stuff like becoming a girl's friend to weasel your way into her heart (or bed) is manipulative. Pouring strong emotions onto an unsuspecting woman is overwhelming. That doesn't make you nice. Being reserved and easily embarrassed doesn't make you nice. I just wish these guys would drop the "nice" moniker and realize that their real problem is passiveness and poor social skills. Women don't like jerks, they like guys who aren't clingy and whiny.

Udog, was your bolded statement in reference to the INFP man being frustrated or the woman being frustrated?

Because though I did not state it as openly or directly as OrangeAppled did, I was implying similar things. It's disrespectful to behave in such a manner, where feelings that do exist are leaked because the girl can often pick up on the feelings (or they are leaked in an explosive manner such as described earlier in the thread), but yet he totally acts like a BFF and she gets completely confused. It's sort of a mindfuck, and makes women lose trust in men.

It's one thing to not know this information and do it, but I've told my INFP male guys that they're doing this, and they remain passive and the girl is hurt by it. This is not okay. One must realize that their actions (hanging out with the girl one on one a lot) are affecting her.

Note: Clearly this isn't applicable to every situation, nor every INFP male. To those whom this does not apply, please disregard. I just thought it important to point out that the passiveness can be hurtful to the girl. Either man up, or walk away from spending so much time with her that you twist her feelings around in unhealthy ways.
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
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Udog, was your bolded statement in reference to the INFP man being frustrated or the woman being frustrated?

Because though I did not state it as openly or directly as OrangeAppled did, I was implying similar things. It's disrespectful to behave in such a manner, where feelings that do exist are leaked because the girl can often pick up on the feelings (or they are leaked in an explosive manner such as described earlier in the thread), but yet he totally acts like a BFF and she gets completely confused. It's sort of a mindfuck, and makes women lose trust in men.

It's one thing to not know this information and do it, but I've told my INFP male guys that they're doing this, and they remain passive and the girl is hurt by it. This is not okay. One must realize that their actions (hanging out with the girl one on one a lot) are affecting her..

My statement was directed at INFPs specifically, but I can see how this is frustrating for both parties involved.

And sadly, INFP males can be so self involved with their feelings, their love, their fear, their need to excuse their actions as being 'nice', that they sort of completely forget about the girl, and start falling in love with the idea of the girl. It's a deeply warped ideal of love that some of us develop.

And yeah, that's something I had learned from experience. That's a lesson I had to learn the hard way.
 

Usehername

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My statement was directed at INFPs specifically, but I can see how this is frustrating for both parties involved.

And sadly, INFP males can be so self involved with their feelings, their love, their fear, their need to excuse their actions as being 'nice', that they sort of completely forget about the girl, and start falling in love with the idea of the girl. It's a deeply warped ideal of love that some of them develop.

And yeah, that's something I had learned from experience. I'm not as innocent as I'd like to be.

I'm sure you're the kind of guy who grows and learns from his experience, and thus this no longer applies to you. :)

(There's no expectations of perfection, just one of respectful interaction.)
 

Udog

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I'm sure you're the kind of guy who grows and learns from his experience, and thus this no longer applies to you. :)

(There's no expectations of perfection, just one of respectful interaction.)

No one ever came out satisfied when I did it (including myself), so honestly the hardest part was admitting I was doing it. Besides that difficult step, there really isn't any incentive to continue such behavior.
 

runvardh

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INFPs aren't overlooked. They just don't make their move fast enough (i.e. within the first few months) to give the girl a reason to continue to like him. True stories. :)

And what must the move entail? I had one girl quit after a month, but I had only seen her 5 times.
 

Udog

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And what must the move entail? I had one girl quit after a month, but I had only seen her 5 times.

Sometimes they may just not be that interested. In which case, the sooner you find out about it the better.
 

Usehername

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And what must the move entail? I had one girl quit after a month, but I had only seen her 5 times.

I don't think there's any universals, and every girl is different, and context matters...

There's nothing wrong with saying to her, "you have a lot of qualities [such as xyz] that I look for in girls to date. Do you want to go out for coffee sometime to get to know each other better?"

You don't have to be committed for a full serious relationship--in fact, that's often a bad move. Just be upfront and don't bottle your feelings. Take the lead, be assertive, and don't put her in a situation where she's angsting about whether she's just a friend to you, or whether you're interested in more.

Don't leave her hanging for long if she's making herself available to spend one on one time with you, especially if she seems the type to be busy or a homebody. I mean, often you know when she's interested very early on, you just don't have 100% confirmation.

Any data from a guy is better than a black hole that spits nothing out. Don't ask her out to coffee in a vague manner where she's further confused if it's a date or not a date. Give her concretes so she doesn't have to constantly second-guess. That's stressful, and it makes you appear passive. NP is one thing; passivity is another.
 

runvardh

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Sometimes they may just not be that interested. In which case, the sooner you find out about it the better.

She started out interested. Oh well, I still would like to know what kind of move these girls expect.
 

Usehername

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Sometimes they may just not be that interested. In which case, the sooner you find out about it the better.

Smart man. And though it's difficult, rejection doesn't mean we think badly of you or don't value you. Maybe it's just that you don't smell like the kind of guy we're supposed to make babies with and our biological selves know our genetics are incompatible instinctively.
 

runvardh

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I don't think there's any universals, and every girl is different, and context matters...

There's nothing wrong with saying to her, "you have a lot of qualities [such as xyz] that I look for in girls to date. Do you want to go out for coffee sometime to get to know each other better?"

You don't have to be committed for a full serious relationship--in fact, that's often a bad move. Just be upfront and don't bottle your feelings. Take the lead, be assertive, and don't put her in a situation where she's angsting about whether she's just a friend to you, or whether you're interested in more.

Don't leave her hanging for long if she's making herself available to spend one on one time with you, especially if she seems the type to be busy or a homebody. I mean, often you know when she's interested very early on, you just don't have 100% confirmation.

Any data from a guy is better than a black hole that spits nothing out. Don't ask her out to coffee in a vague manner where she's further confused if it's a date or not a date. Give her concretes so she doesn't have to constantly second-guess. That's stressful, and it makes you appear passive. NP is one thing; passivity is another.

Ask her out in a vague manner? I'll need an example...
 
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