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[INFP] INFPs: Being used

metaphours

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Ugh.

(This thread is mainly for INFPs, but my fellow NFs are welcome to give their two cents on how they feel about this subject, and whether or not they have experienced it. I debated with myself over whether or not I should put this in my blog, but then I realized it would probably get more views, thus more responses and opinions here.)

This seems to be the depressing motif of my/our dreary existence/sickening plotline. Every so often, I'll meet a person who does it for me. Someone who excepts me and understands me on a level that's just unbelievable almost. I feel like I can do whatever.. say whatever, when I'm around this person. The person makes me feel giddy and illuminated inside; and for the first time since the last time, I feel the blood coursing down my veins in pure joy and excitement...

...Only for all those feelings to come crashing down on me at the speed of light. You realize that this person is just using you. Yes. For whatever reason, it doesn't matter. The point is that they used your ability (vulnerability in this case) to reach out a caring hand, whenever someone is in need. Your ability to truly listen to people and cherish them like no other. They use you to pour out their heart and soul, so they can tell themselves that someone truly cares about them in this "big bad ol' world"; and when they're done with you, they discard you, leaving you like you were before, lonely and abandoned. Whenever this happens to me (which is a lot) I feel like some lowly prostitute, who someone used just for one night to get their kicks and then tosses you back on the side of theroad again, naked and sniffling, just to wander the world for eternity, the process repeating itself over and over.


It sucks.
 

runvardh

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I deal with this by allocating my time based on what I can handle and anyone who wants to fck with it can kiss my furry ass. As long as my energy isn't wasted I don't feel used anymore, especially when it comes to things I enjoy either doing or the results of doing. This doesn't help in the realm of love though; I'm still working on how I can initiate with out being used.
 

Tiltyred

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Jezus pleasuz, Metaphours! here's a hug.:hug: Here's another.:hug:

Now what you do is, say to yourself, "Fuck 'em!" and then you walk on.

Alternatively, you could say to yourself, "I've helped myself right out of a job with this person, as now they seem not to need me anymore, I must be good at what I do!"

Or anything but the prostitute by the side of the road thing, which is killing me. *goes off in search of Kleenex*
 

metaphours

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I deal with this by allocating my time based on what I can handle and anyone who wants to fck with it can kiss my furry ass. As long as my energy isn't wasted I don't feel used anymore, especially when it comes to things I enjoy either doing or the results of doing. This doesn't help in the realm of love though; I'm still working on how I can initiate with out being used.
Note taken! ;)

Jezus pleasuz, Metaphours! here's a hug.:hug: Here's another.:hug:

Now what you do is, say to yourself, "Fuck 'em!" and then you walk on.

Alternatively, you could say to yourself, "I've helped myself right out of a job with this person, as now they seem not to need me anymore, I must be good at what I do!"
Hmm, yeah I guess so. I guess I could just look at it more optimistically then?
Or anything but the prostitute by the side of the road thing, which is killing me. *goes off in search of Kleenex*
Yes, I know. I'm quite the melodrama :jew:
 

Laurie

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(Is it possible that you need to analyze the situations differently?)

Also, if you take the time to realize you are getting something out of it you don't feel as used anymore. Why ARE you spending time with these people, if you aren't getting anything out of it at the time?
 

metaphours

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Also, if you take the time to realize you are getting something out of it you don't feel as used anymore. Why ARE you spending time with these people, if you aren't getting anything out of it at the time?

Yeah, well I feel as if I am getting something out of being with those people, but it's hard, once you finally realized you've just been used, because you feel like it was completely pointless for you even to be with them.
 

Laurie

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Then why are you spending time with them?
 

metaphours

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Then why are you spending time with them?

I only realize afterwards that it was completely pointless. It's not like I knew they were using me the whole time. That would be retarded.
 

Udog

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It sucks.

:yes: It really does suck.

I've done that plenty of times - been there for someone when they are down, and had them disappear on me the second they were back on their feet.

I really had to spend some personal reflection on why that kept on happening, over and over again. I don't believe it to be coincidence. :(
 

metaphours

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:yes: It really does suck.

I've done that plenty of times - been there for someone when they are down, and had them disappear on me the second they were back on their feet.

I really had to spend some personal reflection on why that kept on happening, over and over again. I don't believe it to be coincidence. :(

I think as INFPs, we're just so willing to give our all, you know? Like if someone needs help, we're one of the few people to actually give them it. And not just help, it's help from the heart, help that matters because we actually care about that person, no matter if we just met, or if we've been friends forever.
 

Udog

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I think as INFPs, we're just so willing to give our all, you know? Like if someone needs help, we're one of the few people to actually give them it. And not just help, it's help from the heart, help that matters because we actually care about that person, no matter if we just met, or if we've been friends forever.

Let me ask you this - what do you expect in return for helping someone like that?
 

metaphours

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Let me ask you this - what do you expect in return for helping someone like that?
I dunno. I feel like I'm being a good person, I guess. I feel like I'm using my Fi to help someone who may not be able to make a certain decision on their own. It makes me feel good inside, I suppose.
 

TopherRed

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I was a lot like you when I was younger...the peeps I saw that needed help, I gravitated to them like a star to a black hole, only to get sucked into their pit of despare with me as an emotional sacrifice to their gods of Self-Loathing, False Sympathy Needs and--the the biggest idol, Selfishness.

Long story short, I realized I had to make some healthy friends--peeps that wouldn't need to lean on me 100% of the time, but really want to be able to stand on their own two feet--because Metaphours, you can only really help those who show evidence of trying to help themselves. Lots of people say they want to...few actually do.
 

Udog

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I dunno. I feel like I'm being a good person, I guess. I feel like I'm using my Fi to help someone who may not be able to make a certain decision on their own. It makes me feel good inside, I suppose.

Okay, feel free to stop with this line of questioning if need be....

My next question: If it feels good to help someone, why does it matter if they are just using you? Is the act good enough on its own, or do you need something else?
 

metaphours

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I was a lot like you when I was younger...the peeps I saw that needed help, I gravitated to them like a star to a black hole, only to get sucked into their pit of despare with me as an emotional sacrifice to their gods of Self-Loathing, False Sympathy Needs and--the the biggest idol, Selfishness.
This is exactly how I feel.
(Well written!)

Long story short, I realized I had to make some healthy friends--peeps that wouldn't need to lean on me 100% of the time, but really want to be able to stand on their own two feet--because Metaphours, you can only really help those who show evidence of trying to help themselves. Lots of people say they want to...few actually do.
I see...

My next question: If it feels good to help someone, why does it matter if they are just using you? Is the act good enough on its own, or do you need something else?
It's not just the act alone, I guess it goes deeper, it's the feeling that this person who is using me, cares for me. I feel like all the time I'm doing things for others, always taking care of them, etc., but it almost feels as if no one cares for me. And when that person comes along, I feel like we have a symbiotic relationship going where we both help each other and bring our emotions to the forefront with each other and care for each other. And when that person's gone, I realize, "that person didn't care for me at all." I suppose it's more of that than the feeling that I'm doing good for somebody.
 

TopherRed

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:hug: Not that you need another one or anything. :)
 

Laurie

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It's not just the act alone, I guess it goes deeper, it's the feeling that this person who is using me, cares for me. I feel like all the time I'm doing things for others, always taking care of them, etc., but it almost feels as if no one cares for me. And when that person comes along, I feel like we have a symbiotic relationship going where we both help each other and bring our emotions to the forefront with each other and care for each other. And when that person's gone, I realize, "that person didn't care for me at all." I suppose it's more of that than the feeling that I'm doing good for somebody.

I've heard this before. I really think that it's feeling selfless but not actually being selfless. People will use others, but it's not the overwhelming thing that people do. Maybe people feel your selfless acts and realize it's not about them, it's more about you. I'm having a hard time articulating this.
 

BlackCat

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It's always good to keep a realistic view about people. If I'm going to help them, I ask myself "what will I get out of this? Will they reciprocate?" If it involves money I'll ask myself "will I realistically get paid back?" etc.

When they are using me for something that isn't a material thing... Well I pick up on it and blow them off. You do the whole "doorslam" thing. I'd suggest you getting good at it. :jew:
 

TopherRed

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Sounds about right to me, E. We want to be loved in return. Far easier to get that from someone who seems to be dying and is sending out all the hints they can to say "I'll do (feel) anything (for you) if you save me."

What we, the poor unsuspecting NFs don't realize, is that they've got an oversized butcher knife behind their back and they're not just using it to look sexy. Think Aztec.
 

Udog

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Good advice from Fuzzcrossed. People showing evidence that they want to help themselves, and just not use you, is important. The latter will never appreciate you.

Agreed with Elaur 100%. That was actually what MY personal issue boiled down to.

It's not just the act alone, I guess it goes deeper, it's the feeling that this person who is using me, cares for me. I feel like all the time I'm doing things for others, always taking care of them, etc., but it almost feels as if no one cares for me. And when that person comes along, I feel like we have a symbiotic relationship going where we both help each other and bring our emotions to the forefront with each other and care for each other. And when that person's gone, I realize, "that person didn't care for me at all." I suppose it's more of that than the feeling that I'm doing good for somebody.

Perhaps they did care for you, a symbiotic relationship was created, but they just moved on.

Here is something to think about. There are many ways that bonds between people can be formed. A mutual struggle is one such way. The problem is that once one or both people are in a better place, that force that drew them together no longer exists. So unless they've forged something deeper by that time, *poof*. The bonding materials disappear, and you guys go your separate ways. It doesn't mean that the bond was any less real, though.

Of course, there are other explanations - such as the fact that if you are a giver you will often attract takers.
 
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