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[ENFP] ENFPs & destroying relationships

revolve

New member
Joined
Jan 13, 2009
Messages
243
Hey ENFPs . . . have you ever done this? You are dating / seeing someone & the relationship is starting to actually feel like it may work out & you all of a sudden out of nowhere start telling the person how horrible you are. You list off all of your bad qualities & insecurities because you do not have the patience for the slow unraveling of getting to know each other . . . and you are like, "this is me - - you sure you want this???" . . . you feel like you are preventing future hurt for yourself . . . but what you've really done is you've probably ruined everything & terrified the other person & you probably appear schizophrenic / bipolar to them . . . any comments / stories / confessions / insight . . . ???
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
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4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Yup. It's where we finally let out that Shadow side of ourselves, when we bare all to the person we love and hope, pray that they will still love you after, even though you don't really know how they could possibly. It's the need to be completely honest and blunt with the other person and the moment where you feel so close that you might even wanna push them away a little. Done too early it can be quite effective at chasing people away. But when done at the right time..it can create the most intense bond between you two.

Those that stay, accept those traits, even love you for it and especially those that go: I already knew this about you a long time ago and it never phased me..those are the people you treasure forever and are worth keeping. Don't ever let them go :)
 

revolve

New member
Joined
Jan 13, 2009
Messages
243
thanks amargith, i feel much better . . . i did this last night- i sent like 25 texts from like 1am - 3am to my kind of beau & this morning i got a text back from him saying . . . we are going to talk about every one of your texts . . . i scared but happy that he wants to "talk it out" but YOU really helped me to understand myself . . . so thank you :) i don't feel like such a destructive insane freak anymore.
 

Coeur

New member
Joined
Jul 13, 2009
Messages
237
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
I think that's normal. [I'm an INFP, but yeah.] Whenever someone likes me a lot, I'm like: 'oh yeah? Well THIS is how I really am- what do you think now?' I don't want their feelings for me to die because they idealized me too much. I'd feel a lot better knowing if they thought I was a freak and liked me, rather than thinking I was amazing.

At the same time, listing off attributes is different than living those attributes. For example, if you said that you are controlling, the person might get a much stronger picture of that in their head that exceeds how the trait actually presents itself. The flip side is true, you may mention a horrible flaw and they don't believe you because they can't see it. So, I don't think it is neccessary to list off flaws, but I don't think it's neccessarily a bad thing. It will bring you comfort.
 

Laurie

Was E.laur
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
6,072
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Yes, I also find myself discussing other guy friends at that point, just to make sure the person is able to deal with me being good friends with guys.

I always try to make my bad traits obvious because I don't want someone falling for a "fake Laurie." People don't always want to see it though, and can fall for the fake because that is what they want to fall for anyway.

I think it's better to do it in a slow manner.
 

INTJ123

HAHHAHHAH!
Joined
Jun 20, 2009
Messages
777
MBTI Type
ESFP
you guys are funny. This is like a game or test.
 

nomadic

mountain surfing
Joined
Jul 15, 2008
Messages
1,709
MBTI Type
enfp
actually, yeah I am kind of honest about what i don't like or what makes me kind of sketchy about that person.

if its something they can change, its cool if they at least try to change it. if its something that they can't change, like they have super ugly feet, then i don't really care as much. but i'll make fun of them about it. lolz~ but if they don't laugh, then i'll stop making fun. haha

but making fun of them is a sign for me at least that i somewhat like them. cus if i didn't like them, i wouldn't even make the effort to make fun of them.
 

CzeCze

RETIRED
Joined
Sep 11, 2007
Messages
8,975
MBTI Type
GONE
Actually...no, I don't unleash telling people my shortcomings or flaws. I feel they are self-evident. :laugh:

Especially if I'm dating someone. I don't ever "dump" on someone and hope they will care enough not to be scared off, because honestly, that does sound like a game or test like INTJ123 commented. I know that more than your actual "flaws" it's how you approach and handle your flaws and also the confidence in yourself, the other person, and the relationship that make or break it.

I DO want to feel I can talk about anything and vice with my partner though. And momentary freak outs (like you describe) are very normal when it comes to dating and when you get to those stages of intimacy and the relationship is getting deeper.

However, when people start letting me know too much, too soon, I take that as a sign. To watch out.

Also, momentary freak out is one thing, but deep-seated belief systems are a totally different animal.

If you yourself doubt that anyone can trust or love you, or doubt your own ability to have a successful relationship with anyone - after a point there's not much I or anyone else can do about that. And those are sabotaging belief systems.

So I try to keep a cool head when I feel an urge to freak out. I haven't had an urge to or an actual freak out in a long time.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
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4dw
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sx/so
It's not a game. It's an urge to share everything that you are with someone. I think a lot of us tend to keep our shadow side to ourselves and will process difficult moments, stressors and other htings that can bring out our shadow side alone as to not burden others. Someone who we really like, and who comes closer (which is quite exhilirating and scary at the same time) is going to find that shadow side at some point. Also, we want to be honest with them. Hence at some point those gates open. It's hard to moderate the flow of what comes out. And you just end up praying that the other person can take it and is willing to.
 

Hotherym

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Dec 7, 2007
Messages
83
MBTI Type
INFU
Hahah, not to resurrect an old thread but this seriously made me giggle. My boyfriend started to do this to me before we were involved at all, actually. And then when we were, he just got insecure.

I'm always reminded of him when I hear the Massive Attack lyrics to Karmacoma; "You sure you want to be with me? I've nothin' to give." I think he can also amplify his own problems and in the past I didn't help him in that area, either.

I actually don't mind such a forthright approach with potential problems or flaws. Hell, I prefer over putting on a face of perfection. Love isn't true unless you can accept a person for all their faults, and as I figure it, you might as well know what those are sooner than later.
 

Waffle

New member
Joined
Dec 4, 2009
Messages
76
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
2
Holy shee-at. You have no clue. Luckily, my current took it all well and told me he wants me to happy and loves my good and bad qualities. He thinks i'm wonderful and can't figure out why I'm negative about myself. I always saw myself as everyone transition girl. I figure they date me until i can find someone better to hook them up with.
Part fo it is momentary freak outs, but a lot of it has to do with my beliefs growing up. My dad taught me that I wasn't supposed to ask for much or much help, and would do the same for himself. So I learned never to take, only give. I usually end up in a lot of crappy situations. I also went on to have only one friend until I was in high school. No one would talk to me, sit next to me, eat with me. I got rocks thrown at me everyday after school, and I ended up developing anorexia.
Don't let these negativities become your beliefs, or you're going to end up with your freakouts being a lot more ... troubling. I still can't ask for anything. I still have issues letting my boyfriend take me out to lunch or pay for anything let alone help me carry anything that's heavy. I still can't see anything worth in me, except as everyone's helper.
 

dylate

New member
Joined
Dec 12, 2009
Messages
19
MBTI Type
ENTP
Hey ENFPs . . . have you ever done this? You are dating / seeing someone & the relationship is starting to actually feel like it may work out & you all of a sudden out of nowhere start telling the person how horrible you are. You list off all of your bad qualities & insecurities because you do not have the patience for the slow unraveling of getting to know each other . . . and you are like, "this is me - - you sure you want this???"

holy crap, maybe I am an ENFP after all, I do this often.
 

Laurie

Was E.laur
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
6,072
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7w6
^I think ENFPs and ENTPs are cut from the same cloth.
 

Bassai

New member
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Aug 3, 2009
Messages
7
MBTI Type
INFJ
Hey ENFPs . . . have you ever done this? You are dating / seeing someone & the relationship is starting to actually feel like it may work out & you all of a sudden out of nowhere start telling the person how horrible you are. You list off all of your bad qualities & insecurities because you do not have the patience for the slow unraveling of getting to know each other . . . and you are like, "this is me - - you sure you want this???"

Personnaly i like when this is showing up. :)
 

INTP

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Jul 31, 2009
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intp
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sx
you like it when an ENFP does this to you? for real? aren't we so annoying though? ugh - so needy?

i think this is a good thing allso. i dont get what this has to do with being needy.. for me its that the other person opens up to you and thats allways a good thing, even if shes saying something you wouldnt want to hear. if its something so horrible that it would ruin the relationship, then its better to ruin it before it gets more serious.

allso whre did that "aren't we so annoying though?" thing came from? why do you think that you are so annoying that even first time poster would know(or think) that?
 

Bassai

New member
Joined
Aug 3, 2009
Messages
7
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INFJ
you like it when an ENFP does this to you? for real? aren't we so annoying though? ugh - so needy?
I am bad in english so i'll try to explain and hopefully you understand me... ;)

so, i think its an authentic proof of authenticity and for me (and other enfp/infj i think too) its really great. Just try to don't be dramatic ^^; , show fact like they are, no more, no less.

You look needy if you can't tell him why you are so scared too lose him (and again with fact) and yes in this situation, its look really needy ...

But like you say you show this when you see the thing can work, so i think you have check if she/he like you and why ^^;

I hope everybody can understand me =))
 

stigmatica

New member
Joined
May 8, 2009
Messages
308
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w8
Hey ENFPs . . . have you ever done this? You are dating / seeing someone & the relationship is starting to actually feel like it may work out & you all of a sudden out of nowhere start telling the person how horrible you are. You list off all of your bad qualities & insecurities because you do not have the patience for the slow unraveling of getting to know each other . . . and you are like, "this is me - - you sure you want this???" . . . you feel like you are preventing future hurt for yourself . . . but what you've really done is you've probably ruined everything & terrified the other person & you probably appear schizophrenic / bipolar to them . . . any comments / stories / confessions / insight . . . ???

Everyone doesn't do this? DAMMIT!!!

Warning: While the label under my Avatar says ENFP, the contents may vary from time to time. If you find my ENFPism unsatisfactory, please contact the support hotline, and a replacement may or may not be provided. (Please Note: the deadline for receiving your replacement by Christmas has past)
 

Bubbleboy

New member
Joined
Oct 30, 2009
Messages
116
MBTI Type
ENFP
Hey ENFPs . . . have you ever done this? You are dating / seeing someone & the relationship is starting to actually feel like it may work out & you all of a sudden out of nowhere start telling the person how horrible you are. You list off all of your bad qualities & insecurities because you do not have the patience for the slow unraveling of getting to know each other . . . and you are like, "this is me - - you sure you want this???" . . . you feel like you are preventing future hurt for yourself . . . but what you've really done is you've probably ruined everything & terrified the other person & you probably appear schizophrenic / bipolar to them . . . any comments / stories / confessions / insight . . . ???
Has nothing to do with type. It has something to do with maturity.
 
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