[ENFJ] ENFJ's and emotional needs?

[LavaLucy]

My two best friends are INFP and INTP and most of the time I love them but yes sometimes I get in the 'They aren't there for me mode'. Usually when I'm already feeling down and esp with my INFP if I don't contact her I might as well not expect anything most of the time. Although we have both improved over the years (me at not having as high expectations, her at making contact.)

Because I am always thinking of the people in my life (like letting them know when there's something on tv they might like during the week, or letting them know about something in a shop etc, little things) I do get miffed when the feeling (that I might have blown way out of proportion<---somewhat embarrassingly admits) and thoughtfulness is not returned even by those who are closest to me. Like oh yeah that did happen/that was on/I didn't invite you. Inside my head: But - but - I would always think of you! I would never forget you....you forgot about me?

I'm guessing it is even more annoying/take it as proof that the other party is uninterrrested for E_FJs. In saying that, my best friends are great - I too need to find me a fellow NFJ friend me thinks to fill in the gaps But not put like that!

 

[whatnot]

Though somewhat redundant at this point, I have to echo the popular sentiment: find another NFJ. If you have friends of other types, you just have to use your ENFJ mind-reading powers to see how they show affection. Every type has their own way, and once you get used to it, it can be quite endearing. My INTP friend listens to my venting, validates it, and helps me feel reasonable again. And I know that's part of how she shows she cares.

I've also had some experience with an INFP. My INFP was usually so worried about being understood himself, he didn't realize that I needed emotional support too. But, when I told him expressly what I needed, he was more than happy to listen do what he could to cheer me up. INFPs are good with warm fuzzies once they know you need them.

I also highly recommend getting a pet. Having an animal that shows you unrequited love can do quite a bit to fill that hole. Having a cat helped me through a 6 month period of time when I was isolated.

 

[Scott N Denver]

I've also had some experience with an INFP. My INFP was usually so worried about being understood himself, he didn't realize that I needed emotional support too. But, when I told him expressly what I needed, he was more than happy to listen do what he could to cheer me up. INFPs are good with warm fuzzies once they know you need them.

Oh yes

 

[Neutralpov]

Thought

So I have been thinking more on the subject of emotional needs being met with my INFP friend. And to get to the core of it after reading some of Survival Games Personalities Play by Eve Delunas and a book on Boundaries. I think these two topics shed light on the fact that as NF's we feel a blank void, lonely, or apathetic when the roles we play and the real self are getting too far apart or something needs to be addressed ( I think this with emotional dryness possibly). The stressros are not immediately registered because Fe is working so it takes us hitting apathy by us NF's and then we are forced to look at the physical symptoms or intuitively focus (Ni) and find the source which we are NOT used to and feel emo about. And I think for me anytime I am noticing I am emotionally dry I am lacking some boundaries in my life and I haven't noticed for a while and they are leaning on me giving and putting lots of thought and effort and encouragement (even when alone I am thinking of helping others). So kind of what pink said about falling into giving to others at our expense.

The book Survival games Personality plays really showed that this is normal for us NF's and we need to "dialogue with the conflicting parts of ourselves" to reconcile our often double-minded situations that are draining us. And also I have taken a look at the relationships and activities that are draining and not value added and I am eliminating them so I can have that energy for myself!

P.S. I have chosen not to spend 1-1 time with the INFP as of now. I am leaving that space open to see if when someone else fills it I feel drastically different. It may be wrong but I remained positive and loving in my tone when I turned down coffee with the INFP when she finally called. I often learn best that I was right about my gut when I can compare with sometime else and my nagging gut says I am better off with someone who gives back what I need.

 

[Tikka]

.. and my nagging gut says I am better off with someone who gives back what I need.

Aren't all ENFJ givers who, deep in their hearts, want to be given something back, although they might say they don't need anything in return, as long as the others are happy?

 

[TopherRed]

Basically. Though I became conscious of this need a few years back and decided to try to undermine it whenever healthy and possible.

 

[Poki]

beats the hell out of me

in the moments i mercifully lose awareness of myself, i get snapped back with these looks ----> ... i've been told i'm "scary" even by people who've never met me or spoken to me... my feelings are apparently WAY too much for any mortal human to endure so i get that 'calm down' speech as if i were any more irrational than any other person when justifiably upset... i've had boyfriends tell me that they love my high nature, but 'remind me to never get on your bad side' - what kind of messed up statement IS that?... like i go around scorching people for my amusement? ... like i would hurt them? EVER?!... like my anger would break anyone? WHY? because it's *mine*? and that makes it pure poison?? i can't be entirely honest b/c i'm always afraid of breaking the precious with my might horrible evil feelings... some power has been wrongly and spitefully attached to my person...

EJ types are more likely to rip someone a new one verbally. My wife with the help of a IJ man has learned how to better channel that through Te as opposed through Fe. Being very good verbally it is so much easier for her to channel it through Te than either Ti or Fi. To me Fe is extremely good at making other people feel the same way as you, but when Fe is about at the person it is aimed at(as opposed to going off about someone else) the other person will never be emotionally intune and Fe will always be invalidated because it emotionally confuses the person. It really confuses the person with how they should feel vs how they do feel. The intensity invokes Fi and Fi does not always agree with Fe. Its morally right vs how I personally feel about it.

 

[the state i am in]

So I have been thinking more on the subject of emotional needs being met with my INFP friend. And to get to the core of it after reading some of Survival Games Personalities Play by Eve Delunas and a book on Boundaries. I think these two topics shed light on the fact that as NF's we feel a blank void, lonely, or apathetic when the roles we play and the real self are getting too far apart or something needs to be addressed ( I think this with emotional dryness possibly). The stressros are not immediately registered because Fe is working so it takes us hitting apathy by us NF's and then we are forced to look at the physical symptoms or intuitively focus (Ni) and find the source which we are NOT used to and feel emo about. And I think for me anytime I am noticing I am emotionally dry I am lacking some boundaries in my life and I haven't noticed for a while and they are leaning on me giving and putting lots of thought and effort and encouragement (even when alone I am thinking of helping others). So kind of what pink said about falling into giving to others at our expense.

The book Survival games Personality plays really showed that this is normal for us NF's and we need to "dialogue with the conflicting parts of ourselves" to reconcile our often double-minded situations that are draining us. And also I have taken a look at the relationships and activities that are draining and not value added and I am eliminating them so I can have that energy for myself!

P.S. I have chosen not to spend 1-1 time with the INFP as of now. I am leaving that space open to see if when someone else fills it I feel drastically different. It may be wrong but I remained positive and loving in my tone when I turned down coffee with the INFP when she finally called. I often learn best that I was right about my gut when I can compare with sometime else and my nagging gut says I am better off with someone who gives back what I need.

i like your post here. feeling is holistic. when aspects of the feelingness of a person feel stressed, it's like the game go. too much back and forth, white and black, etc. too much potential for positive to disappear, motivation to disappear, desire to disappear. then we are depressed.

at times we need to get feeling back on track by either delving down into negativity until we can destroy it with a more accurate, wider viewing perceptual lens (using Ni for nfj!), or by employing logical thinking (Ti) to clear ourselves of all our noisy frustrated wishes and get more in touch with the situation as it actually is, accepting it and making the best of it, taking a more aggressive/assertive role in making small specific objective goals a reality and feeling like we can make the situation better.

high feelers often have trouble managing the needs of others while still being in touch with their own. especially enfj 2w3s and infp 9w1s. they need time to sort it out they often don't take, especially since their is usually a lot of repressed garbage/baggage down there they have avoided delving into so they could instead, in a self-sacrificial way, help others meet their needs.

 

[Little Linguist]

I remember my sister bringing me a Beauty and the Beast nightlight from the Dollar Tree when I was really sick. It's that sort of little surprise that makes me feel thought of and cared for. When someone "knows" me and can find some little thing - an object or phrase or picture - that reflects me to them. I like seeing myself in others (those I love the most), and having them see themselves in me. By that, I mean that they can see pieces of themselves engraved on me, that they're a part of me now, and vice versa. It means you and I have been assimilated into the greater whole of our friendship. It's not something that can be coerced or forced, it's a magical sort of "click" and is special.

It's like NOT buying red roses for your girlfriend, but getting her a mysterious old book from the back of a curious old book store no one knows about.

Totally agree. Okay, I may not be ENFJ, but I agree anyway.

 

[Neutralpov]

Update

So Thank you for the advice. I particularly think I took the piece about not making decisions while in bad "weather" and thus making a wrong decision with the overall picture. I dwelled on thoughts of walking from the friendship after too many days of Ni (which got negative..) and realized this was not a solution (but my bad Intro.Thinking maybe) when I looked at her willingness to talk and change in the past.

My INFP friend and I finally talked yesterday and I was able to say I am not okay with the lack of effort and was angry at my giving too much. She listened and basically doesn't understand what I need then and I told her.

• Vulnerability (me sharing and her being private is not okay anymore)
• Expressiveness
• initiative (matching and balanced since I planned every weekend activity)
• consistency (she is like 104% P)

The thing she did reveal to me is that upon my prompting in a previous conflict she bought a book on emotional unavailability and found she tested as an over-intelectualizer. She was 55/45 INFP/INTP and now I see the INTP may be more her. She said she realizes that she doesn't express her care but she has flat out told me she cares and doesn't realize that I don't get that from her behavior and our communications are missing each other. Mine are not so much missing her though. And the funny thing is she was confused at my having this problem because, " Heather you know more about my thoughts on God than anyone." Maybe this is her way of sharing and I missed it but I don't know the personal things!

I think she may be INTP because not once in the conversation did she apply compassion but logically was like, "Can you clarify, or let me ask a question..." I just wanted to hear I am sorry you are upset...Nothing. But I realize that this all probably hit her and I realize I may have felt this way for say 2 months without knowing what it was. I stopped meeting for coffee 2 months ago because I couldn't bring myself to share personal things (without reciprocation and effort being mutual. I now recognize this reason) and that should have been the clue for me to kick in Ni to figure out why I stopped wanting to be around her 1-1 so much.

Anyway. I am going to be sweet and wait to see what happens. And also I set up boundaries (so as not to over-give) with other people and find this to be working great! I think this might be the Key reason us ENFJ's get drained. I set up structures ( a re-occurring breakfast ) to meet with friends to share and chat and am joining a soccer team. Positive structures that are good at keeping me connected with sharing and a group activity.

Having an INTP/INFP and ISFJ as close friends is hard for someone who needs expression!

All in add she was okay with me communicating when things bother me in general so that was reassuring. I communicated that and I am going to start meeting my own needs even if it means hanging with other people more and I am not planning the social nights for a while. The rest is TBC.

many thanks

 

[the state i am in]

intps don't spend much time in a vulnerable state. they appreciate that you get where those spots are, but, for the most part, they prefer to deal with their situation with Ti and Ne.

they are also rarely physically expressive. they express their ideas and values in logical principles. their ethics are principled rather than personal. their bodies are less feely and their eyes are blaringly loud and steely. they don't look away and demure very much. they are aggressive readers and not so much expressers.

they watch what you do, they are very behind-the-scenes in how they interact. so they may look like they lack initiative but they are not enthusers and not in-charge like enfj types are. they will step in when a problem is not being solved and they have the solution. otherwise they will recede a bit.

they can become more consistent when they realize it is effecting the situation negatively, but they are N types who tend to drift along with their thoughts and need external structure for this sort of thing.

i would be careful asking the person to change too much and realize that you may find some of these needs elsewhere. keeping in mind that what your intp friend CAN offer you is valuable in its own right- great Ti, some Ne to reel you in and get you in the moment, and appreciation for your abilities at getting into people and being in touch with their feelings.

 

[Poki]

intps don't spend much time in a vulnerable state. they appreciate that you get where those spots are, but, for the most part, they prefer to deal with their situation with Ti and Ne.

they are also rarely physically expressive. they express their ideas and values in logical principles. their ethics are principled rather than personal. their bodies are less feely and their eyes are blaringly loud and steely. they don't look away and demure very much. they are aggressive readers and not so much expressers.

they watch what you do, they are very behind-the-scenes in how they interact. so they may look like they lack initiative but they are not enthusers and not in-charge like enfj types are. they will step in when a problem is not being solved and they have the solution. otherwise they will recede a bit.

they can become more consistent when they realize it is effecting the situation negatively, but they are N types who tend to drift along with their thoughts and need external structure for this sort of thing.

i would be careful asking the person to change too much and realize that you may find some of these needs elsewhere. keeping in mind that what your intp friend CAN offer you is valuable in its own right- great Ti, some Ne to reel you in and get you in the moment, and appreciation for your abilities at getting into people and being in touch with their feelings.

This tends to really be all IP types. Me and my ENFJ wife have the same issues. She jumps at the possibility of a problem where as I sit back and see what happens. We generally wont jump based on possibility.

 

[TheEmeraldCanopy]

I know I have a manual to ENFJs around here somewhere... *digs and digs in piles of clutter*

 

[Domino]

When you find the manual, tell me how to change my spark plugs. I believe I've fouled a few out.

 

[TheEmeraldCanopy]

Aww , PinkPiranha.


Nothing in here about spark plugs from what I can tell... of course my version is all in French...

 

[OrangeAppled]

intps don't spend much time in a vulnerable state. they appreciate that you get where those spots are, but, for the most part, they prefer to deal with their situation with Ti and Ne.

they are also rarely physically expressive. they express their ideas and values in logical principles. their ethics are principled rather than personal. their bodies are less feely and their eyes are blaringly loud and steely. they don't look away and demure very much. they are aggressive readers and not so much expressers.

they watch what you do, they are very behind-the-scenes in how they interact. so they may look like they lack initiative but they are not enthusers and not in-charge like enfj types are. they will step in when a problem is not being solved and they have the solution. otherwise they will recede a bit.

they can become more consistent when they realize it is effecting the situation negatively, but they are N types who tend to drift along with their thoughts and need external structure for this sort of thing.

i would be careful asking the person to change too much and realize that you may find some of these needs elsewhere. keeping in mind that what your intp friend CAN offer you is valuable in its own right- great Ti, some Ne to reel you in and get you in the moment, and appreciation for your abilities at getting into people and being in touch with their feelings.

Great analysis of INTPs. Fits every one I know.

 

[jtanSis1]

I'm still using the abridged manual and all it says about spark plugs is 'recharge with others'. guess it means to hang out.

 

[Thursday]

I'm still using the abridged manual and all it says about spark plugs is 'recharge with others'. guess it means to hang out.

Yes
And if I don't, the more likely my darkside will swell up inside me like a flood in a room. Not good.

 

[jtanSis1]

Big section in the manual about 'darkside' says 'find big open space to vent then immeadiately proceed to nearest friend and ask for hug'

 

[Domino]

So we all have this big dark streak?

Good to know.