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  1. #21
    Senior Member ZiL's Avatar
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    Nov 2007


    Thank you for all your responses, they are very helpful. I have a couple updates that may shed more light. My best friends don't like him that much. Before we started dating, we all hung out as a group and it was fine, but after, he started paying so much attention to me and being so affectionate, that they felt like they were being forced to go on our dates. My bf, meanwhile, told me he felt like he was being invited into our friend circle and didn't realize they felt he showed no further interest in getting to know them. I understand both sides, but it's caused a lot of issues in the 6 mos. we've been together. My friends think he's presumptuous and doesn't read the atmospheres of groups well to figure out what the appropriate boundaries are. They think I try harder to understand him than he does me. And I'm not totally sure how to feel about that. He didn't realize he was bothering my friends so much until a few little arguments went down online and they deleted him off of facebook (oh no! I shouldn't laugh, but facebook man...). The next day I met up with him and his mood was unlike anything I'd seen before. Just very sad in the eyes. He immediately arranged to meet face-to-face with my friends, and yesterday they had a talk and heard each others' sides. Hopefully things will improve. I don't know why I mention this incident - I guess I feel it is very indicative of his character. He wants to be liked, and it's crushing to him when he thinks he is but finds out he's been oblivious to the truth.

    Quote Originally Posted by Wonkavision View Post
    He may have narcissistic tendencies.

    His big talk may be a mixture of unstable self-esteem (extreme highs and lows), or feelings of entitlement, or insecurity about the relationship, or fear of commitment, or an avoidance of any other pain or personal issues he's uncomfortable with.

    I doubt that its just for show, though it could be an over-reaching attempt to entertain, which is really about a need for affirmation( not the same as "attention", by the way, as some might assume).

    He may be codependent (not the same as "dependent"), and in need of healthier boundaries.

    For an ENFP, that basically means developing Fi--learning to set priorities, establishing a clear personal value system, and focus on living out their personal ideals rather than feeling better about themselves by focusing on the imperfections of others.

    In terms of Enneagram, he may be a type 7, which includes some narcissistic tendencies, unstable self-esteem, resistance to acknowleding personal pain, and an exaggerated need to always be confident, active, and upbeat.


    And though you may need to lay on the affirmations extra thick for an ENFP---again, he would probably respond to the same things as anyone else:

    Acknowledgement, Appreciation, and Acceptance.

    Thanks for the great response. Intuitively, I feel like you're right on with your assessment of his behavior. All I want to do is learn to understand him so I can appreciate and accept him. I feel like I'm on the right road. I guess in many ways I can relate to him, and that is why I feel so drawn to understanding him. I feel like many of his negative traits line up with mine, and that's part of why it can be so hard to watch him when he's acting a certain way, because it feels like a mirror being held up. I can vacillate between narcissistic tendencies and low self-esteem - the difference between him and I is that I've learned to keep the narcissistic upswings under wraps, because it's not a good thing to let out and believe in.

    Quote Originally Posted by LunaIndigo View Post
    Positive reinforcement is key with ENFP's. Once we know we have your approval in certain aspects, we love to give you that tenfold just to make you happy.
    He definitely tries to give me exactly what I want to make me happy, as soon as he figures out what that is lol. And if I seem unhappy or unwilling to tell him something, his first question is - "what am I doing wrong to make her feel she can't talk to me?" It's very endearing. I just don't want him to get lost in changing himself to make me happy - but I guess that's a natural inclination for a lot of people!

    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    I was wondering why you think he's ENFP and how sure you are of it? Also, how old are you both now?
    Well, I've sat on the question for probably 9 mos. now. He took one test online back in the fall and got INTP, but he's no introvert, and he took another test in a class in school and got ENTP. Based on his personality a couple of years ago, I originally thought he was an ENTJ, but he's changed a lot since high school. He's no J. He had no ability to shut up or hold back his opinions in high school, he does now.

    I thought for a bit that ENTP was a good assessment, but after 3 years of vacillating about my type, I'm positive I'm an ENTP, and when I compare the two of us? The more I get to know him, the more I see how emotionally driven he is in comparison to me. We definitely link up on high Ne and low Si, which makes us look superficially similar because we perceive things in similar ways to the point where we finish each others' sentences or say the same thing at the same time (we did this even before we started spending a lot of time together as a couple). Despite this superficial similarity, I feel like we draw conclusions on our perceptions very differently. He typically reacts to things based off how they make him feel personally. When my friend was telling him some of the things that bothered her about him over the internet a long time ago, I read the conversation thinking that what she said didn't sound harsh at all, but they way he made it sound, I'd thought she had ripped him to pieces (she's ESFJ). I feel like this tendency is indicative of Fi, correct me if I'm wrong. He also has strong Te, so I figure that's why I used to think he was an ENTJ. He can get really high off of being in charge of organizing something (something that has to do with his values - with him it's environmentalism).

    So I feel I've given a lot of thought to the ENFP moniker (I posted a couple threads about it here too, I think), but feel free to give any feedback.

    Our age has to be a central issue, and that is something I forgot to mention. I'm 21, he's 19 (20 in the fall). We are indeed young, but I feel we are atypical for our age in many regards.

    Sorry for the longest post ever. Feedback greatly appreciated!

  2. #22
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    9w1 sx/so


    totally relate to that too and was just wondering if everyone has as many layers or sides or personalities as enfps seem to...they probably do too...i don't know but i don't think there's a real and fake side's is strong and confident and vulnerable and somewhat insecure...and deep and serious...and ridiculous and goofy...and mature and sexual...or childlike and innocent...i think we're just all of it...right?

    but...sorry lil tangent there maybe anyway...if you care about him i think it's important you realize he's all of those things...and you should learn to accept it...unless of course he's being prickish to you when he's in swagger can just tell him...don't do that shit with you...but...he's most likey just being funny and exaggerating it and is only half serious...that's important to remember too..we're often half joking haha
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

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