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[NF] Do you care how others feel?

SolitaryWalker

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I'm not familiar with the term hit kid.

I agree that actions are a more direct way to determine intent than words. If there is a significant schism between an individual's action and words, it is better to determine intent based on the actions. Talk is cheap and requires less personal investment.

Interestingly enough I have had some opposite experiences. In my profession there are many silver-tongued devils. Flattery is typically a precursor to exploitation. I wish I could determine intent more quickly than I do. It would save me some trouble.


The most effective method here would be iNtuitively reading people by trying to pierce through to their inner being. Looking at the very core of who they are, irrespectively of what they do or say. What they do or say must be thought of as what stems from the core of their being. We know that they act this way because we know something deeper about them, so we dont need to look at their words or actions to see it, if we can Intuitively read them.
 

Siúil a Rúin

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The most effective method here would be iNtuitively reading people by trying to pierce through to their inner being. Looking at the very core of who they are, irrespectively of what they do or say. What they do or say must be thought of as what stems from the core of their being. We know that they act this way because we know something deeper about them, so we dont need to look at their words or actions to see it, if we can Intuitively read them.
How do you intuitively read someone irregardless of their words and actions? Are you implying something of a mystical nature? From my perspective intuition has more to do with perceiving comprehensive details, being able to place them within a context, and to note inconsistencies. It is the inconsistencies that allow us glimpses into potential falsehoods. The difficult part is distinguishing revealing inconsistencies from simple random inconsistencies that are simply aberrations and not moments of meaning.
 

Totenkindly

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I'm not familiar with the term hit kid.

I think she just meant a "kid who was hit regularly."

I agree that actions are a more direct way to determine intent than words. If there is a significant schism between an individual's action and words, it is better to determine intent based on the actions. Talk is cheap and requires less personal investment.

Yep. That's what she's saying. To survive physically and emotionally, you can't afford to listen to what people say -- all that matters is what they do.

As for me, I just pulled out and avoided everyone as my Defense of Choice... but I did pick up some of what Meshou is talking about. And when I was in my teens and throughout most of my 20's, I had the same fixation of "clear evidence" -- I probably sounded very S in my almost empirical demands before I would accept anything as true.
 

Geoff

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How do you intuitively read someone irregardless of their words and actions? Are you implying something of a mystical nature? From my perspective intuition has more to do with perceiving comprehensive details, being able to place them within a context, and to note inconsistencies. It is the inconsistencies that allow us glimpses into potential falsehoods. The difficult part is distinguishing revealing inconsistencies from simple random inconsistencies that are simply aberrations and not moments of meaning.

Sometimes intuition.. the gut instinct about someone is more than the sum of detail, context and inconsistency, surely? For me it is about discovering something that is not visible within any individual factor but is right when the whole is considered. Am I using mysticism when I do that? I dont know...

-Geoff
 

Siúil a Rúin

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Yep. That's what she's saying. To survive physically and emotionally, you can't afford to listen to what people say -- all that matters is what they do.
There are cases where a person can 'do' wonderful things for you, but with a price. How do you figure that into the equation? Certain intentions can leave a person feeling diminished by an action that would strengthen them coming from a more pure intent.

Sometimes intuition.. the gut instinct about someone is more than the sum of detail, context and inconsistency, surely? For me it is about discovering something that is not visible within any individual factor but is right when the whole is considered. Am I using mysticism when I do that? I dont know...
Might this have something to do with what happens in terms of your interaction with the person? People can come together in ways that seems to be greater than the sum of their parts, while others come together and diminish one another. Perhaps that invisible, indefinable factor has to do with their impact on you personally?
 

meshou

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We know that they act this way because we know something deeper about them, so we dont need to look at their words or actions to see it, if we can Intuitively read them.
I tell you with absolute sureness my mother never wanted to hurt me. However, she's fucking nuts.

You can intuit she believes she is a good mother, and she wants the best for her precious children. She's very convicted on that front. Absolutely FULL of good intentions, not a bad one in her.

There are some people for whom intent emphatically does not matter. Those are people I wish to avoid.
 

Geoff

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I tell you with absolute sureness my mother never wanted to hurt me. However, she's fucking nuts.

You can intuit she believes she is a good mother, and she wants the best for her precious children. She's very convicted on that front. Absolutely FULL of good intentions, not a bad one in her.

There are some people for whom intent emphatically does not matter. Those are people I wish to avoid.

Perhaps the difficulty lies in trying to apply such standards to people who have mental issues of some sort? If people are not well, one can't necessarily apply tests of intent, actions and such in quite the same way. By which I mean, if someone is not aware of their actions, competent to understand the impact, should we assess them using intuition or by way of their actions measured against a human "standard"?

-Geoff
 

meshou

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Well, the problem is that people who are fucking nuts don't wear hats or something so you know who they are. You can be pretty sure, however, they're making a beeline for you if you were raised by one.

I have a pretty good "ohshitrun" alarm now, but I used to have absolutely none.
 

Geoff

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Well, the problem is that people who are fucking nuts don't wear hats or something so you know who they are.

That would be cool, if they did. Those conical hats in different colours, like gnomes. With the colour matching different degrees/types of nuts.

-Geoff
 

Alienclock

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It is more of a personal standard for me and those close to me than a statement of how everyone should be considered. It's not a standard I'd hold anyone I didn't deeply care about to.

In any case, yes, I would rather be around a bad man who does good things than a good man who does bad ones. 'Cause duh.
I totally agree with this. I think in the end you have to figure what effect the person has on you, and whether or not you feel its worth it... A person who intends to help you feel better and keeps poking you in a raw cut is infinitely less bearable than one who doesn't give a puck and lets you heal in peace...
I tell you with absolute sureness my mother never wanted to hurt me. However, she's fucking nuts.

You can intuit she believes she is a good mother, and she wants the best for her precious children. She's very convicted on that front. Absolutely FULL of good intentions, not a bad one in her.

There are some people for whom intent emphatically does not matter. Those are people I wish to avoid.
For me a persons intent is a second thought.. Its kind of what I reflect on after I get away from a situation, the other persons intent only comes into play when I am in a relaxed state, and am looking back at a situation...

All people have one intent - which is to feel better. So many people who do horrible things just want to be loved, they just want to finally be understood, they want relief from whatever they are suffering... In the end, in the pursuit to feel good, what do they do? They torture, they maim, they attack, they spit in your lunch while preparing it... cause they are overworked, underpaid, their parent just died, their kid is on drugs... whatever...

Of course, if we are thinking about the overall well being of larger groups of people... people who do better things are better for the population overall. And people who mean well (well intentioned but oh so wishing they could stop the pain that is their life) but can't help but to curse people out and do illegal things is considered worse for the population.

I like to give people a break if they are well intentioned... But when you are authentic, and doing hurtful things to others who gives a muck? I don't... and I don't want to be near you. I would rather be around a person who is just selfish, and generally does not do horrid stuff... So I am caring about me in that case... Which is generally important.

I think an interesting question is are all actions selfish? I do believe they are. I also believe that if you don't care about yourself, and constantly give to people who are not interested in alleviating their pain without hurting others... then you probably have a messed up sense of self. The intention only matters when the person is willing to look at their actions, and think about the effect it has on others... So if this person, whose intent is only to love... and be loved... cause ever since they were little they whatever... and their mommy whatever... keeps locking people up in their dungeon... I don't care about their intention...

Care if you care, but in the end if its not reciprocated, and a person is not willing to change a hurtful behavior, forgetaboutit! Of course the nutso locking people in his basement had a mom that used him as an astray etc... I dare say most monsters had some kind of "monstrous" upbringing... Every person I ever met that was a hurtful monster has had a horrid upbringing and been a horrid crybaby about it.
 

Maverick

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This is a difficult question to answer. It depends so much on the situation...

I care about people affected by major life circumstances (illness, loss of relationship, death, financial problems, ...) and will feel concerned about how they feel. Also, I'm sensitive about people feeling bad because they're treated unfairly.
 

Samurai Drifter

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Do I care about how others feel...

Depends. If it's one of my few friends or a member of my family, whom I care a lot about, then yes. Otherwise, not really. And as for giving up my own happiness to help someone, that's not something I do often or can see myself doing often. Perhaps it's a consequence of still not being fully matured.
 

Alienclock

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Do I care about how others feel...

Depends. If it's one of my few friends or a member of my family, whom I care a lot about, then yes. Otherwise, not really. And as for giving up my own happiness to help someone, that's not something I do often or can see myself doing often. Perhaps it's a consequence of still not being fully matured.

I hate the idea that maturity means being able to give up your own happiness to help someone. Its healthy NOT to give up your happiness. If you can't enjoy your own life, what is the purpose of living? Becoming mature seems to mean having to do things you don't want to do, putting your feelings on the back burner etc. With all that, what is the purpose of life itself? What, do we live for the hive or the collective?
 

indigo2020

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I generally place myself in a larger context than 'me' regarding both thoughts and feelings. I prefer to see a better net result than simply a personal one. I do care about the well being of others because it is clear I am not all that separate from them. Their well being and mine are intricately interlaced.
what she said
 

curmudgeon

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I care about how people I love feel, but I dislike pampering ultra sensitive people, and I don't like being emotionally manipulated, either.
 

htb

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I'm not happy till you're not happy.

Of course. Any well-adjusted adult does.
 

Randomnity

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I care a lot about how others feel, if I'm aware of it. If I'm aware that I've unintentionally made someone feel bad, especially someone I care about, I'll agonize over it for ages. (for example, I can immediately think of several separate stupid things I said months ago that are still bothering me)

However it often doesn't occur to me to wonder what others are feeling, so I'll be blissfully ignorant until they or someone else points it out. Probably means I'm self-absorbed or something.

I don't like being around people openly displaying (mainly negative) emotions either, mainly because I don't know what to do and feel awkward...this is a lot worse if it's someone I care about because I can feel them suffering but I can't help them. Though it does make me appreciate that they trust me enough to show emotions (even if for them showing emotions isn't a big thing).
 

girlnamedbless

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I definitely feel outnumbered, but here it goes.
I care a lot about how others feel. Even strangers can touch me. Even if I barely know you and you're sad, I'll attempt to make you happy. I know this is true because today a co-worker was very upset, and the feeling kind of lingered on with me. I asked her if I could do anything and I told her I was there if she needed to talk. Therefore.. I'm affected even more if someone I love is upset and I'll try to do whatever I can for them.
 

Opivy1980

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I hate the idea that maturity means being able to give up your own happiness to help someone. Its healthy NOT to give up your happiness. If you can't enjoy your own life, what is the purpose of living? Becoming mature seems to mean having to do things you don't want to do, putting your feelings on the back burner etc. With all that, what is the purpose of life itself? What, do we live for the hive or the collective?

I live for my own happiness and no one elses, if people would recognize that they need to take care of themselves and not rely on other people then by proxy everyone's needs would be taken care of. Being selfless and sacrificing your own well being for others is a paradox, for if taken to the extreme, everyone would be sacrificing their own needs for someone else's and no ones would be fulfilled due to everyone continuing to sacrifice for the other.

The basic situation is if you are asked to sacrifice your own interest and care more about another's who in turn is asked to sacrifice their well being which is your caring for them, and care more about anothers and so on and so on you are left with a null set, nothing.

However if you are selfish and everyone else in turn is and only care about your own needs and what you need to do to fulfill those, and if everyone else is doing that, then by taking care of yourself you are in turn benefiting everyone else by not being a burden on them.
 
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