Do you care how others feel?

[kiddykat]

I care, sometimes too much where I end up getting hurt. Sometimes I feel too much empathy for some people, especially ones who were mistreated, outcasted..

I know- it's really a horrible flaw, because sometimes, when I just want to shun some people away, I simply don't for the mere fact that I don't have the heart to.

I guess it depends on the person. Some people I don't care that much for, at all.

[substitute]

I care because I am an empath. The empathy precedes the caring. This is why I detach and become almost rudely uncaring when another's feelings are too strong, because they overwhelm me.

I always find it interesting to hear things like this. My sister (ENFJ) says similar things and they're quite fascinating to me.

I'm nowhere near an empath but I still care a lot about a lot of people. I wonder if empaths consider empathy actually a prerequisite for caring, cos sometimes I think my sister thinks that because I don't JOIN IN with the way she feels, I therefore don't care...

I personally find that NOT being empathic actually helps me to care more uh, well, efficiently, a lot of the time... so, being detached I think improves my caring ability so it's interesting to hear you say detaching makes you rude and uncaring...

[songofcalamity]

Me me me me.

I do care about my close friends, alot, just that I never show my concern. And if I don't like the person, don't expect me to care at all. My 'care' for people is basically based on these three factors: respect, closeness, and vulnerability.

[INA]

Within reason. I try to avoid unnecessary harm whether or not someone is a close friend. I just don't want to be responsible for anyone feeling bad. But irrational, unstable people irritate me and I sometimes against my better judgment go out of my may to annoy them. They like histrionics and I like to indulge them.

[prplchknz]

I guess this is an NF type topic.
How much do you care how others feel?
In light of the idea that you can't control how others feel, how much should you really care?

Frankly, I enjoy caring about others... But there are times when I decide NOT to give a darn. Actually, I am leaning towards the understanding that in caring about my own feelings, its best to focus on them, and let others manage their own emotions...

Sometimes it feels like being a bad guy, but it seems important to staying happy.

Any ideas, thoughts, feelings?
How much do you care?

1.)Depends on how close I am to them. Not that if I'm not close to them I wish them pain, well unless they deserve it. But I'm not going to worry too much when they're insulted. Sorry, but I'm one person and can only help so many people in a day too feel better. I'm not saying if someone is geniuinely upset I won't listen to them. I am saying that if someone is just being ass because they got less then a B on something that counts for less then 5% of their total grade I don't care.or got called a bitch by a complete stranger. things like that happen move on. are you bleeding? is this going to cause you to not be able to function in the world? probably not, and if it does then you have bigger issues and go talk to someone who gets paid to listen to people like you.


2.)As much as you want. I mean sometimes the people who always are hurt no matter what happens *cough*room mate*cough* it's just I want to give them a good slap and go so what? someone was rude to you at the store; who gives a flying fuck really? probably never gonna happen again, can we move on? No no this isn't alcohol drinking level of hurt, yet those people who think it is....I wonder what would happen if something truly terrible happened to them. How would they cope?


I probably do care, but I learned from always being the sounding board for everyones problems to filter out some feelings of others otherwise I get overloaded.

[FDG]

I care about how some people feel. I don't really care a lot about all the others, although it's better if they feel good, too.

[runvardh]

I always find it interesting to hear things like this. My sister (ENFJ) says similar things and they're quite fascinating to me.

I'm nowhere near an empath but I still care a lot about a lot of people. I wonder if empaths consider empathy actually a prerequisite for caring, cos sometimes I think my sister thinks that because I don't JOIN IN with the way she feels, I therefore don't care...

I personally find that NOT being empathic actually helps me to care more uh, well, efficiently, a lot of the time... so, being detached I think improves my caring ability so it's interesting to hear you say detaching makes you rude and uncaring...

I think this has more to do with function. You can sit back and still give a shit - this is a good thing. Empathy, on the other hand, can be a bitch to deal with until you can do more with it other than have it on or off. Because of this, it's easier just to have it off so that your head and heart aren't exploding on an hourly basis.

I think you've talked about your sister before and I'm still of the belief that she still has some growing up to do, but that's me.

[Totenkindly]

I'm nowhere near an empath but I still care a lot about a lot of people. I wonder if empaths consider empathy actually a prerequisite for caring, cos sometimes I think my sister thinks that because I don't JOIN IN with the way she feels, I therefore don't care...

Everyone wants different things. You know the old "love languages" schema, correct? Sometimes you can do something loving from your end for someone but they won't recognize it.

I personally find that NOT being empathic actually helps me to care more uh, well, efficiently, a lot of the time... so, being detached I think improves my caring ability so it's interesting to hear you say detaching makes you rude and uncaring...

Empathy gives me the motivation to help, but yes, it can really interfere sometimes. Because if someone's angry or hurt, I feel bad letting them suffer if I could alleviate it in some way... but rationally I sometimes see that I need to just keep a cool touch because that's what they need, and they actually need to suffer a bit and work through it on their own. And so it's also playing into my own psychological weaknesses of wanting to be liked/approved of... empathy can be used to "win me a place" with them but I can't afford to do that at their expense ultimately.

When I was focused on spiritual direction for awhile, the psychologist running the session talked about "the pull." He said that it was common for each patient to exude a "pull" -- the thing they wanted the therapist to do for them, to make them feel better, and sometimes it wasn't the best thing for them. One thing the psychologist had to do was determine how the patient was trying to influence them, so they were aware of the desire, and then they could make sure they didn't just do what the patient wanted as part of making them feel better.

So I think the empathy is great in terms of making the connection and helping the other person feel heard/accepted; but it also has to be controlled sometimes if it gets in the way of doing what is best long-term.

I totally understand disregard's comment about having to pull back if the other person's emotions get too strong.

[substitute]

Yeah Jennifer, which ties into what I was saying in the thread about NT's dealing with emotions...

[cafe]

Semi-related anecdote: Last night my friend needed a ride to take her daughter to the ER. I dropped them off at the door, parked the van, and started walking toward the hospital. About a quarter block away it hit me that I was entering a house of suffering, so I took a deep breath and mentally said to myself "Shields Up." Silly, but it helps me get through these things.