So, let's look at J vs P. This is an excerpt from a page on Vicky-Jo's site, infjorinfp.com. There's a variety of stuff on that site, some of which I think it good, some is bupkis, but this I think hits enough of the mark on the communication preferences of INFJ vs INFP. See where you fall after reading this MASSIVE WALL OF TEXT:
To sort out whether your preferences are for INFJ or INFP, investigate whether you possess the directing or informing style of communication.
"What's that?" you are probably asking. Well, it's a concept that's nearly impossible to explain via the internet, but I'm going to try. According to Dr. Linda Berens, the founder of Interstrength Associates (formerly Temperament Research Institute), each of us is hard-wired to utilize one communication style over the other. That means you're just plain born that way -- it's innate! And it's not only about the words we use; it's how we communicate our intent (though some of us have been conditioned to soften or amplify our natural style, depending on our environments and how we were nurtured).
David Keirsey titles these styles of communication "role-informing" and "role-directing" -- which is the same concept with longer labels. And let me make it clear: directing and informing are on a continuum, and everyone is capable of doing either one at any given time
The question is, which style are you more comfortable with? (And nobody gets to live on the mid-point.)
The directing style of communication is easiest to spot. The extreme form is the style used by traffic cops, stressed parents, and military commanders. It includes communications that would be classified as a "direct order." Examples include:
"Sit down."
"Put it over there."
"Clean your room."
The message is delivered in an authoritative tone of voice. The reason Keirsey calls this "role-directing" is because the person speaking the words assigns what roles are to be played in the interaction. In the examples above, the speaker adopts the "in charge" role, while the recipient is automatically subordinated. The listener is expected to cooperate and play the role the speaker has determined.
The informing style of communication is harder to detect. Sometimes those with the directing style are simply oblivious to it, not recognizing that a defining interaction just transpired. Extreme forms of this communication include messages that might be classified as "victim talk." Examples include:
"I don't have any money."
"That music is so loud."
I'm not feeling good."
These communications are delivered in a non-authoritative tone of voice. The reason Keirsey calls them "role-informing" is because the person speaking the words is deliberately not defining what roles are assigned in the interaction. In these examples, the listener gets to choose what roles are to be played -- meaning they have been granted authority whether to ignore the remark or act upon it. The critical factor is that the recipient of the message gets to determine what part they choose to play. They can act on the information, or not -- the decision is freely theirs.
The examples I've posed are those of extremes -- bossy on the one side, victim on the other. But please don't think I'm painting INFPs as victims and INFJs as persecutors -- I'm using extreme examples and descriptions to make my point! In real life, most normal communications fall somewhere closer toward the mid-point. Perhaps the best example is the simplest one:
Informing communication: The light is green.
Directing communication: Go.
Chances are you've spoken phrases of both these kinds during various episodes in your life. Which reinforces the point I made earlier -- everyone is capable of doing both styles of communication. And one episode of directing does not define you as having the directing style; nor does one episode of informing define you as having the informing style. The appropriate question to ask yourself is, which style are you more comfortable with?
In this special situation we are investigating -- meaning our attempt to distinguish a preference for INFJ or INFP -- it can be tricky to discern which communication style one prefers (compounded by how this is nearly impossible to explain through the internet). In a nutshell, INFJs are more comfortable telling other people what to do than INFPs are, despite both being introverts. INFPs are more comfortable just providing information.
I'll provide a couple more examples:
Directing: "Ask Jerry for specific instructions on balancing the budget." "Marion, would you find a restaurant to host fifty people at a banquet in September?"
Informing: "Jerry has some information that might help you balance the budget." "Marion, do we have information on any restaurants that could host a banquet in September for fifty people?"
See how both request the same outcome, but in entirely different ways?
And here's a domestic example. Let's imagine we have run out of milk. A spectrum of remarks to a family member might include
We're out of milk.
We need milk.
Would you be able to get us some milk?
We're out of milk and I was wondering if you could get us some?
We're out of milk. Would you please get us some?
Would you please get us some milk?
Please get us some milk.
Get some milk.
Can you find which phrase you're most likely to say?
Asking someone to get milk might seem like a pretty simple thing, and yet, with all the uniqueness in the world, can still cause a communication gap! Within this small range of possible choices, a whole lot of misunderstandings can still occur. (It doesn't take an extraordinary situation to create extraordinary conflict.) Depending on one's style and how they ask, one may think the requestor is being rude or even being manipulative, or not asking for what they really want. And the way people cope with these communication mismatches is by labeling behaviors "passive-aggressive" or "bossy."
According to Linda Berens in "Understanding Yourself and Others: An Introduction to Interaction Styles," the directing style of communication has a task/time focus, while the informing style has a process/motivation focus. The intent of directing is to give structure; direct. The intent of informing is to evoke, draw forth, inspire, seek input.
Certain work roles emphasize one style of communication over the other -- for instance, therapists are taught to be informing in their communication. It is considered undesirable to tell patients what to do. However, the military emphasizes directing -- giving orders is an expected behavior. (One of my clients served in the military, and all these years thought she had INFJ preferences. It was an awakening for her to discover her true preference for Informing!)
The ticket is to look for the thing you prefer, the thing you do naturally -- not the thing you believe you are supposed to do or have been trained to do. I have seen plenty of INFPs employ directing, but they have usually ratcheted themselves up and are using extraverted Thinking, and it looks stressed and is not graceful to witness. (I look for how relaxed and natural the style is in order to uncover the true preference. Sometimes an INFP will inform and inform and inform, and then they get "triggered" and the directing bursts out.)
The directing/informing dimension is often linked to the J/P dimension on the MBTI. People believe that "J's" have the directing style, while "P's" have the informing style. But this is not the rule, although it is true in the case of INFJ vs. INFP. (Examples where it's not true include how ISFJs prefer the informing style, while ISTPs prefer the directing style.)
According to Dr. Linda Berens, for people with informing preferences (like INFPs), it's as if people are just a leetle bit more important than Task. And for people with directing preferences (like INFJ), it's as if Task is a leetle bit more important than people. It's as if one concern is operating in the foreground, and the other is operating in the background. So NFJs -- who do care very much about people -- sometimes may seem insensitive when Task is looming and they feel pressured to accomplish a goal. And NFPs may not care enough about Task to suit NFJs. (It is impossible to have equal concern about both at once -- one must take primacy.)
INFPs feel uncomfortable "intruding" on other people's choices -- they want people to decide for themselves to do things. INFJs may inform up until things aren't getting done -- and then they direct (and may even take charge). This may come across as harsh or out-of-character to others, but it really isn't unnatural. I found my directing style most clearly when piling my nieces and nephews into the car, and it was a big contrast to my brother-in-law's informing style as he gave them information that would make them want to get into the car. (Unless he gets stressed out, of course, in which case he manifests a mean and ugly directing style.)
it's exhausting though!! I also had my parents move me to several schools as a child so I guess I got accustomed to not getting to know people and having to put on that 'social' face to keep from being picked on. It could be a thousand things. Even MBTI and ENNG can't discount a persons environment and experiences that influence their personality.
