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[INFJ] INFJs & Small Talk - Do You Relate?

entropie

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^Could you explain that a little more Entropie?:huh:

No not really, I only have some sporadic infos from my personal INFJ.

it's basically about that you need to actually talk to other people to know what they think. And not that you know what they think and you dont have to talk to them.

But knowing what they think and knowing what they feel are to pair of shoes and the latter is far more disturbing, therefore I concentrate on the former :D

As in: I dont understand it myself :)
 

Oddly Refined

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Over the years, I've tried to find a good process for mixing small talk and interesting questions. During my initial conversations with individuals, my goal is to be linear. I'll keep tabs on the conversation and where I anticipate it going. For the most part, listening is my favorite skill to exercise. I probe for interests and possible points of commonality.

Consciously, I know I'm talented at delving into someone very easily. More recently, I've come to appreciate the process of getting to know others and respecting their personal boundaries. There is something very beautiful watching a person reveal themselves over time. It's not an immediate bond, but the connection is developed. It allows for someone to be comfortable at their own pace. Connections are important to me and I enjoy watching them build.

As someone mentioned, when the mind meld occurs it's a truly remarkable experience. ;)
 

Gloriana

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@Refined: That just sparked something in my head. I probably do not think enough about the personal boundaries of others now that you say that, I find that interesting. I think that might definitely be something I need to think more about, getting better at discerning the comfort zones of others in conversation and not trying to 'get in' too far, too soon.

I think I can be a greedy mofo in terms of discovery missions into the hearts and minds of others. I think you have a really good insight on that, how rewarding it can be to see someone open up slowly and reveal little by little. That sounds good! I gotta calm my ass down and let things happen instead of prodding too much!

Thanks for that!! :D
 

Oddly Refined

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@Refined: That just sparked something in my head. I probably do not think enough about the personal boundaries of others now that you say that, I find that interesting. I think that might definitely be something I need to think more about, getting better at discerning the comfort zones of others in conversation and not trying to 'get in' too far, too soon.

I think I can be a greedy mofo in terms of discovery missions into the hearts and minds of others. I think you have a really good insight on that, how rewarding it can be to see someone open up slowly and reveal little by little. That sounds good! I gotta calm my ass down and let things happen instead of prodding too much!

Thanks for that!! :D

No problem. My older sister is even more introverted than myself. My brother was discussing strategies for helping her open up this past weekend. We discussed a series of ideas and strategies. We both concluded that time and patience were our best course. Additionally, in order to set the ground work for trust, offering some kind reciprocation with personal information or emotional intimacy is helpful. Don't unload all at once.
 

Requeim

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lol what a cute topic

i can relate for sure though, every single conversation i have with people i don't know is destined to be awkward as hell (for me, at least)

it sucks
 

Lily Bart

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Gloriana, you are so funny! I can relate! But then there's the part where I start to relax and enjoy a conversation and N starts to take over and suddenly there's this horribly uncomfortable dead silence because my companion has NO CLUE what I'm talking about.
 

cascadeco

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I definitely relate to the meta internal dialogue. "What does the other person think of what I'm saying? God, that's so cliché!" The biggest issue with small talk is that you're put on the spot in a way that you aren't when there's a focused topic of conversation. I am much more comfortable when I have time to reflect on my answers and think of follow-up questions, and that happens much more quickly and naturally when there's a topic already. I also don't think I'm particularly talented at generating small talk questions because I have nothing to go off of, so I tend to let the other person lead. Which is fine if they can, and not so good otherwise.

:yes:

Yep, I tend to cringe at smalltalk, but it can depend on my mood, too. If I'm in a good mood and feeling open and more engaging/outgoing, I can handle smalltalk better; if instead I've been thinking/brooding/introverting/contemplating things for a while, in my little introverted cave, the prospect of smalltalk can be really annoying and I may not even bother trying to keep the conversation going, or else I'll just feel awkward much of the time and will have trouble coming up with things to ask or to talk about, and will feel self-conscious.
 

lumikuu

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I think I can be a greedy mofo in terms of discovery missions into the hearts and minds of others. I think you have a really good insight on that, how rewarding it can be to see someone open up slowly and reveal little by little. That sounds good! I gotta calm my ass down and let things happen instead of prodding too much!

oh god tell me about it. i've scared some people off by "delving in too deep too soon".. even an entp, but i suppose the fascination and intrigue might get old if you don't stretch out the anticipation of getting to know someone on a more personal level. it's just that when i sense that someone is interesting i want to quickly secure them as a good friend, or at least maximise the prospect of that, as to not feel as though the relationship is going nowhere. of course i've never had any luck making friends this way so now i just refuse to say anything. :D

i don't usually have the internal monologue since i'm already listening to what others are saying and it's usually too noisy for me to hear my own thoughts. it seems to take me longer than others to process stimulation and reflect on an adequate response. not being perfectionistic- it's just that most of the time even when i want to say something, i have no idea what to say. i either have no interest/knowledge in the subject or the conversation is moving too quickly. shooting from the lip usually causes me to stumble on my words and represent myself inadequately. need to get better at Fe, but shyness is yet another excuse. D:
 

ReadingRainbows

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I think the thing with me and small talk is that I am so genuinely interested in the person (what makes them tick? what are their fears/desires? why did they wear that suede coat?) that I want to get the idle chit chat out of the way and really swim around in the person's mind... something akin to the Spock Mindmeld. I mean, I really want to get to know you. You have done amazing things in your life, you have unique thoughts, you are taking a path in your life...why?why?why? It is fascinating to me and I have to say I am rarely bored when I meet new people. Even if I disagree, I am rarely bored.

Sometimes I feel a tremendous loss when I sense time is being wasted on small talk. I know it is the glue that ultimately starts a bond in any relationship, but sometimes I wish I could skip the small stuff.

:wubbie: I wish I could skip it too :)
 

Felix

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Change your inner monologue to assuming that they like everything you have to say and are about to say and see what happens. Worked for me anyway :)
 

jenpen624

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It depends on how much energy I have at the time whether I'll say right out what I'm thinking and feeling or whether I'll be more selective in what I say.

When I was younger (until about age 13) I was really comfortable with myself and never censored my conversational topics. Yeah, lots of kids made fun of me, but I had plenty of friends who liked having me around. Then, something happened... I became suddenly and increasingly self-critical and thought everyone would judge me and think I was weird based on what I would say or do. It's not that I don't want to talk to new people ... but, rather, that I've been conditioned to assume the worst. So, I've become sort of shy and reclusive over the years. It's become more and more difficult for me to start new friendships because of the initial conversational skills required.

I find some small-talk topics more tolerable than others, but my style is more to go to a deeper level and talk about more intense things, mainly how people see and feel about their personal experiences. I sense a lot of people just don't feel comfortable going to a deep level right away, but I guess I can understand that from a purely logical perspective. I've learned a lot about small talk by observing ES types. I can get into the small-talk/friendly role for a while, but the problem eventually surfaces where I get myself into a situation where I am feeling incredibly inauthentic...aka wanting to crawl out of my skin. I can't keep up the ES role (it's very taxing and wears me down emotionally) for long and then have to escape from the situation.

People close to me tell me to lighten up and just put on a friendly face. It sounds like most of you are with me here that this is easier said than done. Worth trying, though :)
 

lumikuu

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When I was younger (until about age 13) I was really comfortable with myself and never censored my conversational topics. Yeah, lots of kids made fun of me, but I had plenty of friends who liked having me around. Then, something happened... I became suddenly and increasingly self-critical and thought everyone would judge me and think I was weird based on what I would say or do. It's not that I don't want to talk to new people ... but, rather, that I've been conditioned to assume the worst. So, I've become sort of shy and reclusive over the years. It's become more and more difficult for me to start new friendships because of the initial conversational skills required.

this is exactly what happened to me. the alternative is to always have some articulate excuse ready against making small talk so thanks :)
 

whimsical

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Small talk can be very interesting if you are an imaginative INF
 

Athenian200

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No, not really. But then I don't mind appearing (mildly) disingenuous, my Fi is weak. ;) And besides, I'm somewhat interested in everything, including the weather and the kind of coat a person is wearing (it can give you an idea of their style/preferences).

It sounds like you're overanalyzing the meaning of talking about having been a place as indicating that you might be interested in going there with them... it's just something to talk about, it's not a commitment unless you actually agree to meet them there.

Personally, I wish more people were interested in small talk... it seems like no one really does it anymore (for more than a few sentences), like everyone is in a hurry and wants conversations to have a purpose or they're not interested. They're all more interested in DOING than talking. And I like talking.
 

scortia

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I definitely don't get that inner monologue... for small talk with people I often turn on my auto-pilot and just regurgitate the usual things expected to be said in small talk. With strangers I do strengthen my reserves though and try to read into them a bit... just not as much. :)
 

karenk

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I only read the first post in this thread but I completely relate. What really bothers me is when the same people at work seeks you out to tell you what they made for dinner each night of the week or the minute details of their entire weekend. I find this incredibly draining. I even made a post in INTJc asking how to prevent these kinds of interactions in my next job. A couple of the posts were helpful and now I plan on leaving to get water or something before it starts instead of sitting there with a smile. (I should have thought of that on my own. ha.)
 
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