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[INFJ] Any INFJ girls?

findthejake

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Sep 30, 2007
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258
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ENFP
So the new girl in my life is an INFJ and I am hoping ya'll might have some suggestions on what her desires would be in a relationship or what would make her happy. She is pretty typical INFJ, doesn't like people looking at her, scared of alot of things...etc etc.

This is a super rare type, if not the most rare? I am hoping there is one of you out there!

Also I am ENFP so we are mirrors, any advice on how this might affect things?
 

targobelle

~*taaa raaa raaa boom*~
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Apr 23, 2007
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2,584
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enfp
you'd do better with an entj :alttongue: but honestly I don't know. I think you have to show that you are stable and consistent
 

cafe

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Um . . . I believe my pastor is an ENFP and his wife an INFJ and I believe they are very happy together. They've been together well over twenty years. He appears to be very understanding of her introversion even though he has a very social job. He makes her laugh and she anchors him.

My dear friend of over eight years is an ENFP. She tries not to overwhelm me and I appreciate that.
 

quietgirl

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Well, I can give you some insight on interactions between the two types.

My old roommate (and best friend) is an ENFP. She brings out my silly side a bit and I seem to ground her a little. Our biggest problem stemmed from communication style, though. I tend to be very direct when I speak & it comes off as bossy (and insensitive occasionally) to her. On the flip side, there's been more than one occasion when I simply didn't pay attention to something she said because she said it rather passively & she's complained that I never take her seriously. I also have this need for closure that she doesn't seem to understand at all.

I really do love my best friend's carefree attitude and I certainly go out and socialize a LOT more when she's around. Sometimes I wish I could do that on my own! She totally brings out a GOOD side of me. She doesn't really understand my need to shut myself in my room & recharge, but respects it because she respects me. When we first became roommates, she would mistake my alone time for me being upset with her, though. So, don't take it personally.

We are both sensitive people, but in different ways. This is probably the Fi/Fe difference. I tend to bend over backwards for others and will get utterly absorbed with THEIR emotions. This can be dehabilitating to me if I don't catch it (and I don't always catch it). My ENFP best friend will burst out crying because she feels personally insulted or if something really touched her heart, but doesn't seem to take on the emotions of others like I do. She is concerned with helping others, but seems to be able to detach herself from the needs of others more easily.

I'll post more interactions as I think of them!
 

findthejake

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awesome! Thank you so much.
Do INFJ's like enfp's where they aren't on time for stuff?
 

Zergling

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There are plenty of INFJ females on this forum, you will likely get a nice big thread over the next day or so.
 

Kiddo

Furry Critter with Claws
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Sep 25, 2007
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OMNi
Hm, let me change the title of this thread a bit...

Are there any single INFJs on this forum? ;)

Much better. :devil:

To the OP,

I've known a lot of ENFPs and they have a tendency to inadvertently manipulate, so don't take it personally if your INFJ tactlessly calls you on it, even when you weren't aware of it. Also, don't be around her when you are in a bad mood because that will most likely make her feel bad.
 

runvardh

にゃん
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sx/so
Yeah, single might be a requirement. Most of the INFJ ladies are taken or taken with ring on finger.
 

cafe

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awesome! Thank you so much.
Do INFJ's like enfp's where they aren't on time for stuff?
An ENFP would be hard pressed to be less punctual that I tend to be. Hypocritical as it is, I hate waiting around bored, but it's usually okay because I carry something to read or my iPod loaded with audio books pretty much everywhere I go.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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awesome! Thank you so much.
Do INFJ's like enfp's where they aren't on time for stuff?
INFJ's are pretty abstract, so they aren't structured in the way SJs would be. I taught college for a number of years and had trouble actually caring if students were late. I felt pressure to discipline, but my nature is very non-controlling in many ways, so it felt very artificial. If trust is not established in a relationship, being stood up, or having to wait around can cause feelings of rejection to fester. It would be ideal to have phone connection or something so any mishaps can be clarified. At this point i am so ridiculously spacey that i get continually frustrated with myself. I have to organize the outside world or i am hopelessly lost. People are often impressed with my apparent organizational skills. If they had any idea what it is like inside my mind, the irony of that statement would astound them. I live in a continual state of mild confusion over keeping track of this logistic or that. It's like nine marbles fit in my head, but i am responsible for ten. It often feels hopeless.

It's always a good idea to directly ask the person what they want in the relationship since everyone is different. Withdrawn people sometimes need specific opportunity to voice their desires and concerns. It is unfortunate that INFJs can have a number of reflexes to withdraw from people and the world. It does make them harder to get to know and people sometimes imagines the reasons why they do this. These conclusions are usually amiss. I do think INFJs feel rather deeply, so being jerked around emotionally will wear them out and they will eventually leave such scenarios. Conflicting signals from people and outright conflict causes me to withdraw. This is especially true of subtle, undercurrents of tension. This is why i purposefully am drawn towards rather forthright people.

Also, i believe most INFJs invest a great deal of energy into analyzing people and other topics they find meaningful. They either take a long, long time to reach an opinion/conclusion about something, or may come to a quick hunch about it, but then labor over second guessing and reexamining that hunch to be sure it is accurate. Because of this, it feels rather unpleasant to be readily dismissed by someone who hasn't invested much in the topic at hand. INFJs are also reluctant in making their opinions known.

ENFPs are one of my favorite types and i have especially enjoyed working with ENFP performers in my field. I'm not sure what to say about a romantic relationship with one, except that it would be easy to get a pretty huge crush on one. I took a lesson from a rather renown ENFP (maybe ENFJ?) and his warmth and spontaneity were so compelling, i practically floated away. I am most drawn towards the ENFP authenticity and warmth as people. INFJs can have an uber-silly streak but it is usually seen in suppressed smiles of personal humor in a crowd left unaware.

Honesty, consistency, and respecting natural processes are important to me as an INFJ. This probably relates to others?
 

findthejake

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Ok so here's what happened today, we'll see if any of the infj ladies can give me some insight.

The girl asked me last night to call to wake her up this morning, so I did. We talked, laughed and were overall sappy. Around 1 or 2pm I give her a call and talk to her for awhile, we talk, laugh etc. I ask if I can come over after work and watch a movie with her, she tells me to give her a call on my way, that she'll be at her folks house.
I get off work, call her, no answer. Call, no answer. Drive the 30some minutes to her place, park and wait for a half/hour. Call, she answers. She's in her PJ's at her folks house doing laundry and plans on staying there tonight. I ask if I can cruise by on my way home and she doesn't say no but she doesn't answer either so I take that as a no, she says 'kisses' and i say 'kisses' then I hang up and just go home.
What the hell happened. I don't understand at all.
I am thinking like maybe I am coming on too strong or something, that I put myself out there too much, that I overdid it. I think these are all stereotypical ENFP thoughts but someone help me understand her!


*edited to add the message I sent her when i got home*
The whole way home I was trying to decide if I should send you another message or just let things ride but I am unable to keep my fingers from typing. I can only hope that you appreciate hearing the inner workings of my brain as much as I appreciate hearing yours.
I am sorry for the text message, I could have waited to get home and just sent this but once again my fingers went before my brain could stop them.
I can't explain the way I feel about you Sarah. I have met alot of people in my travels and life and many of them I have become attached to in different ways but you make me feel different than any before. I am hopelessly addicted to the energy I feel when I am around you, or just talking to you. I love to make you smile more than anything else I can think of doing.
Because I have never been in a relationship like this before and because I have never felt this way before, I really don't know how to act. My heart tells me to try to connect with you all the time and so I act on that. I may overact on that and I am sorry. I need to allow you to contact me instead of me constantly hounding you with phone calls, texts and even myspace messages.
So for now I will stop until you tell me otherwise. When you want to talk or see me, call. I am sorry if I misinterpreted anything and I am even more sorry if I in any way made you feel bad tonight. My intentions are only ever to make you happy and hear you laugh. I hope you will allow me to try and do this for a very long time.
Have an amazing night darling and I hope to hear from you soon,
Lots and Lots of Passionate Kisses,
jake
 

Kyrielle

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Well, the first thing that came to my mind was, "Wow, okay, way too many phone calls." But that's just me. I don't know about her. But it might be something to keep in mind, maybe. I don't think it's so much an INFJ thing as it's an Introvert thing...sometimes a couple of really long calls can be enough, especially if you were going to see her tomorrow.

To me, the "give me a call on your way" part sounds like, "I have no idea, maybe, yes, no, maybe. I don't know what will be happening later (or there are some factors that are unknown until later), so just call me then and I can figure it out."

And the no answer might have been her deliberating on the situation. Maybe there were a lot of things going on at the moment. Maybe she was suddenly hit by the Ni massive amount of possible things that could happen if you cruised by, and was bumbling her way mentally through the mess to decide what should happen. Or it could have been that she was at her parents and wanted to enjoy their company for the night and take a break with people that are completely familiar. Which isn't a negative, I don't think.
 

findthejake

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258
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these are the differences between us for sure, for me I appreciate when friends ring me alot but then again I always have my phone on me, she doesn't and she seems to lose it alot. But you are crazy right, too many calls.
 

tovlo

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May 2, 2007
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Well, it might be interesting what other infj women think, but truly I think the most enlightening would be to speak directly to the woman involved as soon as the two of you are able to next talk.

I would avoid assuming anything.

I happen to like very frequent contact with my loved one. What you describe doesn't sound like too much contact to me at all. What's too much is probably a unique balance depending on the specific people (not necessarily determined by type) and the particular relationship circumstances.

One thought I can imagine in running through your scenario would be some potential sense of discomfort about interaction between you and her family. (not sure how much contact you've had already with her family?) Social things are always a little stressful for me and particularly the intersection of various social worlds can feel awkward to me.

Perhaps she needed or wanted to go to her parents tonight for whatever reason. She wants to be with you and cares for you too. She was uncertain when you asked to watch a movie because she wasn't quite sure how the night would play out. She asked you to call so then in that moment she might know better what she would feel comfortable with. You called and either she didn't hear the phone, or did hear it, but still didn't really know internally how she wanted to handle being at her parents and being with you. When you did finally reach her she still hadn't worked out what she was comfortable with or what she wanted to do and so when you asked her directly she was evasive because she didn't know what the answer was even yet and didn't have the ability to put all that internal confusion into words either.

I think it's positive that she seems receptive to you when you do speak and things ended lovingly and affectionately in that last call.

I wouldn't worry (well, ok, I would, but I'm advising you from the wiser place within me). I wouldn't determine to change anything about the way you interact with her yet. I would talk to her and explain how you felt and ask her gently what went on or if there is anything wrong. You kind of did this already with that mail. I would wait until you have that conversation with her and hear her tell you what was going on with her internally before you make any unilateral (or anonymous INFJ guided) decisions about what was going on with her. If she doesn't bring up the mail, please make sure you do. I sometimes feel awkward bringing up topics, but I'm always responsive (I think) when others do. Perhaps it's just my odd manifestation of type, but I generally prefer to be responsive than to have to initiate things.

I really didn't read an overwhelming need for concern in what you shared. Sounds like it could easily just be some miscommunication that can be solved with a little direct conversation. Good luck. :)
 

findthejake

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Sep 30, 2007
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258
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Ok ya'll my ENFP tendencies totally overreacted. I just got the most amazing email ever from the girl, god i love her.

Tovlo - You are amazing. You nailed everything.
 

tovlo

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May 2, 2007
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Ok ya'll my ENFP tendencies totally overreacted. I just got the most amazing email ever from the girl, god i love her.

Tovlo - You are amazing. You nailed everything.

I'm glad all is well!
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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The girl asked me last night to call to wake her up this morning, so I did. We talked, laughed and were overall sappy. Around 1 or 2pm I give her a call and talk to her for awhile, we talk, laugh etc. I ask if I can come over after work and watch a movie with her, she tells me to give her a call on my way, that she'll be at her folks house.
I get off work, call her, no answer. Call, no answer. Drive the 30some minutes to her place, park and wait for a half/hour. Call, she answers. She's in her PJ's at her folks house doing laundry and plans on staying there tonight.
I ask if I can cruise by on my way home and she doesn't say no but she doesn't answer either so I take that as a no, she says 'kisses' and i say 'kisses' then I hang up and just go home.
What the hell happened. I don't understand at all.
I am thinking like maybe I am coming on too strong or something, that I put myself out there too much, that I overdid it. I think these are all stereotypical ENFP thoughts but someone help me understand her!
I think it's good to keep the lines of communication open. There is no way to know exactly what's going on, but this is just my impression.

You sound very in the moment, passionate, risk taking. It sound worth it to you to just put yourself out there for someone you value. What is the worst that can happen? I'm guessing rejection would hurt you intensely, but not having taken the risk could be worse? Because of your spontaneity and adaptability, your seem unlikely to be focused on how you will cope with various outcomes, so you dive right in and let it happen, knowing that somehow you will cope regardless of outcomes.

An INFJ becomes very analytical when encountering something they value highly. If a conversation or action touches them deeply, they will need some time to withdraw and absorb it. INFJs take risks, but they are thought through. It is rare for some INFJs to connect to someone in that really deep way. They cannot typcially do this in an instant. It will take an INFJ longer to get to the emotional point you are already at. On the same token, with rejection, do remember, it will take the INFJ longer to recover from that as well. There is a good reason INFJs protect themselves. That deepest part when broken, never really recovers, but becomes a lifetime scar.

My impression is that your friend needs a slower pace. The key phrase in the conversation could have been the lack of commitment to see the movie later. She just said to call her, but didn't actually say "yes, definitely, let's see a movie". In her lingo, the lack of a clear 'yes', may have implied a maybe or probably not. I used to be stupidly vague in my conversation expecting people to read the subtle cues. With maturity i've learned that's actually just bad communication and have become much more direct. So the bottom line: you will be especially helpful in keeping the communication open and direct, but realize the path to her heart is possibly a long and complex labryinth that takes time and courage to traverse.
 

cascadeco

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Well, it sounds like you have a pretty good dynamic with your girlfriend right now, and are communicating well with each other...so sounds like you're on the right path!!

I don't know that anything I add will be helpful at this point! :)

I know of two ENFP's, one male and one female, and both are good friends of mine. They're' a little...random and flighty...but, they're SO interesting because of that. A lot of fun, a lot of energy, and very good at socializing and being open to getting to know a quiet gal like me. :)

I think I would have been open to being romantically involved with the guy at some point; however - and it very well could just be unique to him, and not his 'type' at all - he seemed to be clueless that I had any interest in him, and just seemed in general to have so many activities he was involved with, that he didn't have time for a relationship, or relationships weren't even on his radar!! He has an odd naievete when it comes to that. The other thing about him (and another INFJ friend who also knows him totally agrees with this) is that he tends to be so spontaneous as to make it difficult to socialize with him. Now I love spontaneousness...but a more structured spontaneousness, haha!!... but as an example, he'd say 'Hey, I might be going out tonight with some friends, do you want me to give you a call?', and I'd say sure. Then the night would wittle away, and he'd finally call me at 10pm or something, saying 'We're at such and such place, wanna join us?'...and I'd totally be out of the mood for it by that point, and most likely in my PJ's by then. ;-) Now, this when I was younger, nowadays if I was asked that question by him, I'd say very straightforwardly: "Yes, I'm interested in going out, but I need you to call me earlier in the evening, like 6-7pm, to give me a heads up on what the game plan is. If you end up calling much later than that, I'll probably pass." Or something like that.

With both, I must be honest, their endless chatter can wear me out at times. ;-) Don't get me wrong, their capacity to have really enlightening, thoughtful, deep conversations is rare and I definitely seek that out in my friends...but they both also have a tendency for sheer babbling...which can become annoying. But that's more a reflection of me - that I'm so introverted that I at some point hit the wall and my tolerance for talking stops, and I need to go off on my own.

You asked about punctuality. When I was younger, I used to get bothered when friends were always late. I just didn't get it, and on a logical level I still don't; but that's because I plan everything out so that I AM on time - just because I personally find that respectful of the other person. But while I might never 'get it', I do allow for the fact that other people just operate a bit differently from me, and so I have certain friends who I *expect* will not be on time. So, I now carry books with me whenever I'm meeting up with someone, just on the offchance they're late. I would recommend trying not to make it a habit though to be chronically late.
 

findthejake

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Thanks! She's totally the late one though! Slowest girl I've ever met as far as meeting on time and calling back and stuff.

Our relationship is definitely going to become something completely different starting tomorrow as I now have a job that lets me travel alot, tomorrow I leave for a week, maybe longer. It'll be interesting to see how serious both of us are with me being gone for so long. I know I am good for it but Heaven only knows what she thinks. She says that in past relationships she's opened the door to the guy but left the security chain attached, she says with me she wants to open the door all the way because she feels so amazing around me, like she can do anything. I totally appreciate that honesty and I understand it will be difficult for her to do that.
As an ENFP, I have crazy amounts of rooms inside me, like one of those long hallways where every door leads to a different world. I let everyone into the hallway but only leave a few of the other-world doors unlocked for exploring. It'll be fun to see how many I unlock for her and how far she explores.
I am not controlling at all but I have forbidden her from saying 'no' when I tell her she's beautiful. Self-deprication is not good for anyone of any type and I think that once she understands that she is gorgeous she will really start to come into her own and what-not.
So yeah, we are doing pretty well. I know I talk too much sometimes and tend to ramble and I am working on it but all-in-all things are awesome!
Keep up the discussion though, I am crazy interested in ya'll.
 

cascadeco

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hehe..well, I have one INFJ friend who is chronically late..so I tend to be surprised if she IS on time, or...*gasp*..early! :) But two other INFJ people I know (one male, one female), are very punctual like me.

Makes me wonder how much we should really 'type' certain behaviors like early/late, organized/disorganized, etc. :) But...that's another discussion!

Good luck w/ the relationship!! Yes, I'm sure once you start traveling more, the dynamics will change..but you never know, it might bring you both closer!

My best friend is an INFJ, with an ENTP husband, and they get along splendidly. She actually doesn't mind her husband being gone on business trips 1/3-1/2 of each month. She jokes with me that she wonders if she doesn't prefer it that way! :) But they have one of the happiest, healthiest relationships I've seen thus far - just complementing each other really well.
 
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