• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[INFJ] Any INFJ girls?

quietgirl

New member
Joined
Sep 29, 2007
Messages
401
MBTI Type
INFJ
Do you INFJ girls tend to close down and lock people out?
She told me in the past she's 'opened the door but left the safety chain on' and that she can feel herself doing that already but that for the first time she wants to let someone in all the way and that someone is me. None-the-less I can feel the walls going up, any suggestions? I know she digs me and I think she's just scared of being hurt and I really don't know how to help her.

Yes. When I was younger, very much so. As I've gotten older and begun to understand this about me, I've been more aware of it - but I still do it. In the past, I've been told I go "hot & cold" on people. Now I just do the open one door if the person shows me he or she is trustworthy and authentic, but there's another door right behind it that he or she will be stuck at until I'm shown that I can open it. That probably doesn't make much sense to someone not an INFJ, but it's the best I can explain it. Once someone hurts me, I can & usually will shut ALL the doors and they end up back at door #1. It's like I kicked them out of my castle.

In a romantic relationship, I tend to let people in just a little bit further & the "safety chain" thing probably refers to the little tests we INFJ's give to people we are interested in. I'll throw some things out there hinting at what's behind the door in order to judge the reaction of the person. If I get a negative one, the door won't be opened.

It may be that she's scared of being hurt, but there's nothing you can do to *help* her. It's not something that she needs help with or something that is even wrong! If you go the route of helping her, you may cause some resentment. I had a boyfriend once who tried to "save" me from what he perceived to be my insecurities & fears, but I never undersood what he was trying to save me from - as I was just being myself. Maybe at the core of my existence, I open doors one at a time because I'm scared of being hurt - but I also do it because that's who I am and my private life is something I only choose to share with those whom I trust fully. I just don't feel comfortable sharing it with everyone I meet - nor do I desire to do so.

The whole opening door thing is also how I keep acquaintances or keep people in my life that I do not consider close friends. I have perfectly healthy relationships with these people because I keep them at the door I choose. To compare this to an ENFP, I noticed that my best friend will discredit someone COMPLETELY if they do something against her personal value system (and take it very personally). I'll just not let that person get past most of my doors.
 

quietgirl

New member
Joined
Sep 29, 2007
Messages
401
MBTI Type
INFJ
Do ya'll occasionally lock out the world for a couple of days and become a total hermit?

That's what she did this week, worried the hell outta me but everything is back to normal now. In fact I think it's better than normal, she looks and sounds like she is all new and fresh.

Yes. I'll not return phone calls and sit in my room for a couple days when I'm stressed out. Usually I'll write a bit during that time if I feel I need an outlet. Also, when I'm sick, I like to be left alone.

I find I do this more when I have a job that involves constant people interaction. I'm so tired at the end of the day that I'll shut out the world to recharge.

FYI, this is a way my ENFP best friend and I conflicted. However, she had a need to understand it (and I took the time to understand her point of view) & that's why we ended up amazing roommates. I had to make it clear that it was nothing to take personally. When we first started living together, I tended to shut out more intensely because of the constant socialization that she needed from me & that she brought into the apartment.
 

Kyrielle

New member
Joined
Apr 26, 2007
Messages
1,294
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
Do ya'll occasionally lock out the world for a couple of days and become a total hermit?

That's what she did this week, worried the hell outta me but everything is back to normal now. In fact I think it's better than normal, she looks and sounds like she is all new and fresh.

Yes, I do the same thing. Sometimes for a whole week. It's most of the reason why I don't leave the apartment on the weekends...I just need that time and space to relax and spend some quality time with myself. If I don't do that, it starts to feel like I've not been sleeping...it's that same kind of mental and emotional exhaustion. You could consider it like a couple of days going into mental/emotional cleansing.

.
ballista.jpg

:rofl1:
 

faith

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2007
Messages
408
MBTI Type
INFJ
...If she senses that you perceive her way of being as a problem that needs to be worked through and senses you are potentially ready to jump ship, she may very well be picking up on real emotional danger coming down the road and instinctively be closing down into protective mode based on those signals. ...her walls are not really about a problem of insecurity, but rather her best form of keeping herself safe until she knows she's in a place where defense is not needed.

I just read this, and agree very strongly. It's smart and practical of her to keep herself safe--like wearing shoes when you're walking through thorns. Only an idiot, or one with very tough feet, walks barefoot through a briarpatch. There's nothing wrong with her protecting herself. It's not a fault; it's not a flaw; it's not something you have to fix.

And htb: The fools who have tried catapults were quickly exterminated.
 

findthejake

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2007
Messages
258
MBTI Type
ENFP
Ok, this "mute withdrawal" stuff has got to stop. Or at least be reformed somehow. Don't put up a complete wall! Leave me a window or something...shit. I feel locked out, alone, scared.


I'm not angry about the walls. I'm just confused and hurt. I feel like she really only communicates with me when we are physically together. I can't understand how someone can pretend like they don't know how to answer their phone or call someone back and then a few days later act like everything is fine, better than fine, just to do it all over again! AGGGGGHHHHH.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
14,037
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
496
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Ok, this "mute withdrawal" stuff has got to stop. Or at least be reformed somehow. Don't put up a complete wall! Leave me a window or something...shit. I feel locked out, alone, scared.

I'm not sure what's going on with you or if I should let you in on what is potentially an important secret for some percentage of INFJs, but...

When I have put up walls like that it is because of being hurt or betrayed by someone and not feeling strong enough to not forgive them. It feels like they have all the power, like I am so vulnerable, wanting it to resolve back into something good. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. The best safeguard is to clearly and deliberately make that impossible. The excessive external boundary compensates for the lack of internal boundary. Does that make sense? This may not be true for all INFJ, but I'm guessing it is true for more than just me.
 

nightning

ish red no longer *sad*
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
3,741
MBTI Type
INfj
When I have put up walls like that it is because of being hurt or betrayed by someone and not feeling strong enough to not forgive them. It feels like they have all the power, like I am so vulnerable, wanting it to resolve back into something good.

I see myself do that sometimes as well. I can act rather defensive and withdrawn when discussing a sensitive issue with someone I care about. The main concern is the fear of handling the situation badly. So I turn inward in hopes of figuring out how exactly do I feel about it and what I should do next. But sometimes I simply don't know how to describe what I'm feeling to someone else... and that might lead to me avoid the issue whenever I can.

It's not a easy thing for extraverts to deal with, this constant barriers. But you might want to try telling her that no matter what it is, you'll try to provide unconditional support. It might also help to tell her how you're feeling at the moment. INFJs are typically accomodating... except when we become preoccupied with something. Reminders are helpful.
 

findthejake

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2007
Messages
258
MBTI Type
ENFP
she divulged some pretty heavy stuff on me the other night. I think this is a post-defense for her to work through what she told me. To make sure she's comfortable with me knowing...

At least thats the best I can figure. It was stuff she's never told anyone before. So it was pretty heavy. I was super gracious about all of it, told her it had no effect on my feelings towards her and then I held her tight and let her cry it out. Everything was cool. We talked on the phone for about 20 minutes last night, everything was gravy, she had a bit of a head cold but we made plans for today... then today nothing but silence until I leave a message saying im going to stop by on my way home from an interview. I get a message saying "Not tonight, ok? I need another day to myself to feel better"

Which I didn't really read as well as I should have. The "to myself" part should have told me to leave her alone but I didn't... I know everything will be ok tomorrow but honestly I don't understand why she does this. Damn my extrovertedness!
 

quietgirl

New member
Joined
Sep 29, 2007
Messages
401
MBTI Type
INFJ
I'm not sure what's going on with you or if I should let you in on what is potentially an important secret for some percentage of INFJs, but...

When I have put up walls like that it is because of being hurt or betrayed by someone and not feeling strong enough to not forgive them. It feels like they have all the power, like I am so vulnerable, wanting it to resolve back into something good. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. The best safeguard is to clearly and deliberately make that impossible. The excessive external boundary compensates for the lack of internal boundary. Does that make sense? This may not be true for all INFJ, but I'm guessing it is true for more than just me.

This is completely true for me. I think I also use it as a way to gain back some control in my situation. If I close down, then I'm CHOOSING to shut you out. I also do it when I sense someone's about to leave me. It's probably not entirely healthy, but it is my natural reaction when I feel as though I've lost all control.
 

nightning

ish red no longer *sad*
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
3,741
MBTI Type
INfj
Which I didn't really read as well as I should have. The "to myself" part should have told me to leave her alone but I didn't... I know everything will be ok tomorrow but honestly I don't understand why she does this. Damn my extrovertedness!

Yah... we tend to need quite a bit of time to recuperate. I'm sure things will work out. Hang in there! :hug:
 

faith

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2007
Messages
408
MBTI Type
INFJ
When I have put up walls like that it is because of being hurt or betrayed by someone and not feeling strong enough to not forgive them. It feels like they have all the power, like I am so vulnerable, wanting it to resolve back into something good. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. The best safeguard is to clearly and deliberately make that impossible. The excessive external boundary compensates for the lack of internal boundary. Does that make sense? This may not be true for all INFJ, but I'm guessing it is true for more than just me.

Ditto for me.

It sounds natural for her to want some alone time right now. If you really felt a need to communicate with her, a (one) short and loving email or pm (acknowledging her desire for space, but reassuring her of your commitment and affection) might be okay since it doesn't require a response from her.

Remember that interpersonal communication can sap the energy of introverts. We may enjoy it, but we don't always have the energy for it. And an emotional self-revelation can be very draining.

It might help to think of interpersonal interactions as reading or running. There are some people who run to relax and feel better. To others, nothing could be more exhausting and unpleasant. There are some people who read to relax. To others, reading is a chore only to be undertaken when necessary. There's nothing wrong with your extrovertedness except when you expect her to be like you. You like to run; she likes to read. She can learn to run and you can learn to read, but it's unwise to expect her to want to run as much or often as you do--or for her to expect you to want to read all the time.
 

cafe

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
9,827
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
I'm not sure what's going on with you or if I should let you in on what is potentially an important secret for some percentage of INFJs, but...

When I have put up walls like that it is because of being hurt or betrayed by someone and not feeling strong enough to not forgive them. It feels like they have all the power, like I am so vulnerable, wanting it to resolve back into something good. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. The best safeguard is to clearly and deliberately make that impossible. The excessive external boundary compensates for the lack of internal boundary. Does that make sense? This may not be true for all INFJ, but I'm guessing it is true for more than just me.
Wow. You put this so well. Once someone is in they are in, so I have to be careful who I let in.
 

findthejake

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2007
Messages
258
MBTI Type
ENFP
She's in lockdown. Total lockdown/out.

I tried to push, I know I shouldn't have but my heart is blistering over here. I went to her place, picked up some stuff for her and put it by her door, then sent her a text telling her to grab it and I would leave, she never did.

So I threw the dozen roses onto her back patio and left the soup on her door telling her if I didn't hear from her by 8, I was calling the paramedics. She has a tendency to be self-destructive.

She sent me a text telling me she wasn't hurting herself, that she loved the gifts and now she needed another vase (since I gave her some roses a week and half ago)

I sent a text back "I am not exageratting, lying or being misled when I say this..."
"I love you *her name*. Don't lock me out."

I know she cares about me and possibly loves me as well. She gave me a bracelet this weekend and for her that's huge. She's only ever given one to her best friend before.... give me some advice here girls...
 

cafe

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
9,827
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
This is hard because something like an obsessive state is normal in the early stages of a relationship, but I think you need to distract yourself with other people and things a little more than you are doing right now.

It is not going to be remotely possible for one INFJ to come anywhere near meeting your social needs. She just isn't going to be able to do it and expecting a lot of that from her socially is really going to wear her out. When she gets worn out, she is going to withdraw and that is not going to be a good cycle. It's possible that in time, she will do okay with you being around and the both of you being quiet together, but she isn't there yet.

You need to trust that she feels the way she says she feels about you. I think she really likes you a lot and that there is some great potential, but you mustn't always be demanding reassurance at the expense of her down time. I know it is hard for you to feel what you are feeling when you don't hear from her for awhile, but it's not just about you, you know?

If you truly want to nurture her, you have to respect her boundaries. She needs to feel that she has a right to them and they are valid and that you are not going to break if she takes care of her physical and emotional health by taking the alone time she needs.
 

runvardh

にゃん
Joined
Jun 23, 2007
Messages
8,541
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Ain't a girl, but you might need something else to focus on for at least a week. It will be hard, we share Fi man; but seriously you will need other activities to focus on in between what her energy level can handle. You say she's self destructive; I remember a time when the inferior Fe of an INTP made me feel undeserving. That will add to the lock out up to and including any guilt she makes herself feel over not being able to keep up with you. Trust me, it will blow gaskets in anyone's mind, especially those who come out of emotional trials.

When a person fasts for weeks you can't stuff them full the day they can have food again; you make them sick and it really hurts the stomach. The better method is slowly eating bits at a time, slowly; gradually you work on larger and larger amounts till a "typical" proportion can be eaten again. Chick won't take her jacket off during a wind storm, but she will if the sun warms her up enough.
 

findthejake

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2007
Messages
258
MBTI Type
ENFP
the lockout thing is sooooo foreign to me. I am learning patience, I just need to learn it faster. I have been doing alot of stuff with other friends and job hunting and whatnot. Getting into work again I think will help alot, for her as well.

How do infj's handle the "lockout" when they have work responsibilities?
 

faith

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2007
Messages
408
MBTI Type
INFJ
If you truly want to nurture her, you have to respect her boundaries. She needs to feel that she has a right to them and they are valid and that you are not going to break if she takes care of her physical and emotional health by taking the alone time she needs.

Quoted for emphasis and agreement. Earlier you asked what would help an INFJ to trust you and open up to you, how you could get her to let down her walls. This is the way.

How do infj's handle the "lockout" when they have work responsibilities?

You mean, how do we manage being with people when we're forced to because of work? I'm learning that now, and it's really really hard. I'm teaching high school this year--first time ever. Sometimes I feel I'm going to explode from being with people too much. So much talking, so much noise, so much STUFF GOING ON all the freaking time and I can't get away. It's hellish. I can't even eat lunch alone. It's super hard; possibly the hardest thing I've ever done. Most nights I think it will literally kill me to go to work again the next day. I pray that I won't snap and go crazy, because I feel like I'm on the edge.

But I'm learning to withdraw into my own mind every opportunity. Part of me has to be "on", but another part can withdraw and rest for a bit. Like standing on one leg while resting the other one. And I have a fantastic guy who encourages me to be myself and never stops supporting and nurturing me.
 

nightning

ish red no longer *sad*
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
3,741
MBTI Type
INfj
How do infj's handle the "lockout" when they have work responsibilities?

Well for me, "lockout" is keyed to specific issues. As long as you don't bring them up, I have no problems working with other people. If the problem involves people at work... that's more bothersome. I have to keep on telling myself how important the work is and try my best to keep interactions with the problematic person to a minimal, but still act cordially towards them for the sake of the project. After work, I need a ton of time to destress though.
 
Top