[Jungian Cognitive Functions] INFJ childhood

[Silent Stars]

I'm kinda glad that I have my memory problems because that makes it easier for me to forget about my childhood, and actually most of the vast majority of my life; what parts of it I do remember usually aren't much worth remembering anyways.

 

[Sniffles]

I grew up in a very un-INFJ friendly enviroment. Not least of which with my consistent problems getting along with other children. My sister used to bully me considerably, and if that wasn't enough she would also get many of the other kids in the neighborhood to join in whenever possible. Not only that, but family gatherings were a pain too since my sister and cousins would also gang up on me. My classmates weren't any better.

So I grew up with a sense of the world hating me, because in many ways that's literally how it was. When you're younger, it's absolute torture to face the world with that notion floating constantly in your head - that everybody is against you and you have no allies(at least available ones). My few friends were either older or younger than me, which meant I could only socialise with them occasionally. Sometimes I was lucky to do so once a month.

So I guess my Fe was pretty fucked up in such an enviroment; which probably explains why I still have a general sense of being unwelcomed among people. Also with my sarcastic remarks about how everybody hates me. As I often explain to people, it's an inside joke with myself in light of my early life.

On the positive side, my experiences helped build a strong innate sense of inner strength; along with a strong sense of personal independence.

 

[cascadeco]

So I thought I'd write some more.

First of all, much of how I now view my family's interaction is with hindsight; growing up, I think I was quite happy with my family, in my family, and I didn't judge them, or the whole aura, negatively. Or, I don't remember doing so. With my family, I was happy, and I think I had a very good, lucky, stable childhood, in that sense. But it remains true that I did not learn how to socialize, or how to talk about anything, or how to open up, from my family. My family didn't probe into each other -- we were like four separate planets, in the same solar system, but quite separate, and like I said in my first post, little deep interaction. It may have been along the lines of Leave it to Beaver. Very stable and 'How was your day?' sort of thing. I don't blame my parents at all -- they are who they are, just as I am who I am, and it's just the blending of all of us that didn't really spark anything, apparently. At least in the way that I believe my soul/emotional side could have benefited from. However, I don't want to bring Fe into the picture, or other cognitive functions, because I don't think it's right either to say that my family was 'anti-Fe' (what does that mean, exactly, anyway?), or the like. We were what we were.

But, I'm rambling now. It was with those my age - my peers - that I was quite unhappy/depressed/disconnected. I did not know how to relate to the vast majority, and like I said, I came to fear others, thus I withdrew and pretty much ceased to interact with most people. I was labelled 'quiet' and 'sweet' and 'smart' -- labels which have followed me throughout life -- but no one really knew much of me beyond that.

I don't think the socialization was as big a deal up until junior high -- I had some friendships. But this might sound weird, but in a few instances I would become friends with people, only to find that those peoples' other friends would be jealous of their friendship with me, would turn them against me, and then I wouldn't have a friend anymore. So there was a series of instances where I would be friends with someone, then I would somehow cease to be 'cool' enough, or jealousy would pop in, and then I would be cast away and rejected. After that happening, and then those junior high years where everyone becomes horrendously mean, I just ceased to trust people, and by junior high was purely observant and I became horrified at the cliques, the gossip, the superficialities, etc etc. I came to dislike the majority of people, and that's something that's only dissipated, slowly, over the past 10 years.

I could probably cover a variety of other topics on childhood, but I'll stop there!

The end.

 

[violaine]

I could probably cover a variety of other topics on childhood, but I'll stop there!

Lol, I almost wrote just that before editing my last post for brevity! Discussing childhood is a pet INFJ topic, is it not?

I'm very interested in hearing about people's childhood years. (Hopefully not with such interest as to be insensitive though, I don't like talking in a way that makes a person who had a tough childhood feel necessarily defined by it.) These discussions always leads to 'aha' moments, most often with regard to myself. e.g. In reading a few posts I wonder if the fact that I had such a people and interaction filled childhood is why I have tended to prefer fellow introverts for company. *muses* I could go on with qualifications and disclaimers but I think I'll leave it there too.

 

[ReadingRainbows]

I had an abusive childhood not friendly for anyone :/ I spent extended periods of time alone, and was picked on repeatedly and my own mother makes up lies and myself and my sister to make herself seem more interesting :/

 

[Jaded Idealist]

I'm kinda glad that I have my memory problems because that makes it easier for me to forget about my childhood, and actually most of the vast majority of my life; what parts of it I do remember usually aren't much worth remembering anyways.

My memory, on the other hand, is pretty much picture perfect (when I spend enough time piecing the puzzle together, that is). My parents are sometimes amazed how vividly I an recall memories from the age of 2 or 3.

I remember being bullied at very early ages for doing practically nothing. It's like I was somehow a natural target.

At a certain point, it was really impossible for me to interact with other people in the informal way where you can contently talk in large groups about nothing at all. How am I going to act as if everything is perfectly sweet and buddy-buddy when I can see right through the matrix, and realize quite frankly that your facade is but a thin veil concealing the disingenuous person underneath?

 

[Oddly Refined]

How am I going to act as if everything is perfectly sweet and buddy-buddy when I can see right through the matrix, and realize quite frankly that your facade is but a thin veil concealing the disingenuous person underneath?

This is why my Mother taught me to read before I hit kindergarten. I ignored people by reading. That was my safe haven.

 

[the state i am in]

I'm very interested in hearing about people's childhood years. (Hopefully not with such interest as to be insensitive though, I don't like talking in a way that makes a person who had a tough childhood feel necessarily defined by it.) These discussions always leads to 'aha' moments, most often with regard to myself.

my mom was a supportive and encouraging infp, but i'm jealous that you had an enfp mom. if i had a single dominant intuitive in my life when i was younger, i think i would have felt much differently about many things.



the first dominant intuitve influence i can spot is the only great teacher i had throughout high school- my ap english teacher. classic entp. that class was groundbreaking for me. i had always liked reading, but this class made me believe in ideas, art, intellectual life, etc. sadly it didn't happen until my senior year.

actually, looking back, i had two other teachers in elementary school. my fifth grade teacher was a late addition. the school decided to start a new class, and they put all the kids the teachers didn't like into that class. she stole us away and was like the teacher in mathilda. she gave me a math book and let me work at my own pace, bc i quickly grew bored if i had to wait for the other kids to catch up. she also took interest in her students and showed up to one of my soccer games. i'm guessing enfp.

when i was in 1st grade, i also had a teacher who would write notes home every day grading my behavior. i always had difficulty paying attention to the teacher and refraining from talking to a girl or two in each class. she told me if i received something like 7 good notes in a row, she'd take me to lunch. and she did!

 

[sade]

Interesting. I do believe that nurture effects the flavor of a person, as does the temperament which we were born with (un-MBTI, tada.)

I grew up in a introverted and thinking family and culture. The family atmosphere is against expressing emotions and acting on them. There has to be some sort of rational behind what you do. And I did learn to hide my emotions.
I've been told that my grandmother, in whose care I often was, was neglective and to a level abusive towards me, but I can only remember some incidents. My father has been a heavy user of alcohol and psychologically abusive (even when not drunk) through my childhood and teens. And it has been suggested that I developed a sensibility to people's moods and emotions in order to adapt to that or to avoid it somehow.

I was attentive of people's emotions and thoughts since little, however I didn't always understand why or what for they did things etc.
I still feel as if I don't understand people, or the social codes of society or how things are supposed to be done. I did learn it all somewhat during teenage years, but I still don't quite get it.

Mmm.. I was a pretty active, imaginative child and my little brother was one of my favorite toys when growing up. I did love taking care of him. Overall I wouldn't call my childhood all that crappy (it was the teenage years that I would call hell), I got to run around in the forest, build whatever I felt like building, I got to read lots of books (my mom loved childrens stories) and do stuff independently. I had no problems with inconsistency when growing up, since nearly everything was inconsistent or dependant on my father's moods, or at least I wasn't told of any plans or allowed to affect them.

I like the profile of an INJ child, I can really relate to it.

Then I remember being about 8 or 9 years old and sort of discovering on my own that I liked rock music. I remember then telling the other kids in my neighbourhood (all of whom were hip-hop fans) about my newfound musical preference, only to have them tell me there was something "satanic" or "bad" about the music. I went ahead and believed it even though this was utterly confusing to me. I mean, these were some of the delinquent hoodlums that liked to bully me, and they couldn't even explain to my satisfaction why their taste in misogynistic faux-gangster rhymes was somehow wholesome compared to guitar and drumkit music.

This is funny. I remember vividly when I first heard rock/metal music. I hadn't cared for music before it at all, but I happened to accidentally see a Nightwish music video at age 10 and sat glued to the tv for the next couple of hours. Thankfully I didn't go around sharing my music preferance at the time.

 

[Jaded Idealist]

I still feel as if I don't understand people, or the social codes of society or how things are supposed to be done. I did learn it all somewhat during teenage years, but I still don't quite get it.

My Ti is now developed enough to the point where I can understand basic social codes and patterns among people simply by intuitive observation and analogy, and even copy and follow them in a half-believable way. Needless to say, this way of learning social codes and mores does not necessarily inculcate the highest respect for them. My philosophical bent makes me sort out the behaviors I observe into degrees of good and bad, and act accordingly.

I would say that my childhood was more tolerable than my teen years only because at a younger age I was more oblivious and confused. When you begin to sort out all the hypocrisy and the vanity, it can leave you paralyzed.

This is funny. I remember vividly when I first heard rock/metal music. I hadn't cared for music before it at all, but I happened to accidentally see a Nightwish music video at age 10 and sat glued to the tv for the next couple of hours. Thankfully I didn't go around sharing my music preferance at the time.

I was actually pretty fond of the classical music (especially the more emotive and epic pieces) I got to hear in my elementary music classes, and I'm still a fan of classical music.

Nightwish isn't quite my cup of tea (I'm more a fan of those gothic metal bands that avoid stereotypical themes and commercialization such as Paradise Lost and Virgin Black), but one question: why are you thankful you didn't share your preference at the time? I've always imagined Europeans as being a more musically cosmopolitan set.

 

[thats.mana]

I remember being fairly social, knowing the other kids in the neighborhood and school but rarely being the first to play with the new kids I meet. Even at a young age I depended on my brother or cousin to make friends with someone than I would join in on the activities. Because of this I found myself wondering around the neighborhood and school yards by myself alot.
Junior high was hell, no friends, lots of books read. I think part of the reason it was hell was because I realized how big the world was, how small my part might be (haha). This was probably around the time I started to conform and adopt to others influences in my attempts to fit in.

I hated when my parents argued, I felt to much.

 

[statuesquechica]

I have really enjoyed reading the different descriptions of people's childhoods. I suppose this thread may be a good example of how INFJs may self-disclose (and not be obtrusive) as a way to get to know other people, in person or online. Basically, building a connection with others with personal revelations; an expression of Fe?

Anyway, I appreciate the level of detail that people have put into their posts; it helps paint a picture for me.

 

[harmonyizmine]

Anyway, I appreciate the level of detail that people have put into their posts; it helps paint a picture for me.

I really appreciate it as well. Thanks to all who posted (and thanks for the link poppy). It has really helped me. I can relate to functioning more as a T. I can also relate to the posts about not being able to express yourself on things you aren't certain, and having to constantly restate it. I then get frustrated with myself because I sound like a broken record, and then people perceive that I'm frustrated with them and not at myself.

I grew up with a big family. My mom is loving, but a bipolar enfp not on meds. My dad is an INTJ who worked all the time to provide for our big family. It was hard to really get to know him. However, I cherished the times I did have with him because he "got" me, and I could be myself.

My oldest sister who pretty much took care of all of us siblings, is ISTJ. The younger siblings vary...and am not quite sure what they are.

This dynamic really pushed me more towards an TJ mindset. I learned that I could survive if I could be TJ. In my mind, if I showed strong emotions it was like being over-emotional like my mother. The TJ mindset also helped me to be more like my sister and avoid conflict. This led to me hiding my true feelings, and never really expressing myself. Then, occasionally, my feeling side would explode from repression, and everyone would be shocked.

I remember a time I hurt my sister deeply without meaning to when she expressed to me that I was her best friend and I knew everything about her, but I told her that she knew nothing about me so how could we be best friends?

Anyway, fast forward to today... most times I can be my normal INFJ self. However, I have extreme difficulties when I'm under a lot of stress/pressure. I then resort to my "survival mode" which is the TJ that got me by in childhood. I find that it doesn't work in the real word, and confuses the heck out of people. I'm still learning how to function under stress/pressure. Something that is interesting is that if I take the MBTI when I'm under stress...I come out INTJ. If I take it when I am feeling fine and relaxed, I come out INFJ.

 

[Oddly Refined]

Interesting. And it has been suggested that I developed a sensibility to people's moods and emotions in order to adapt to that or to avoid it somehow.

Given your situation, this is a reasonable theory. Based on some similar experiences, I can relate to this aspect quite a bit. Although, I'd prefer not to describe the situation.

 

[Oddly Refined]

I learned that I could survive if I could be TJ. In my mind, if I showed strong emotions it was like being over-emotional like my mother. The TJ mindset also helped me to be more like my sister and avoid conflict. This led to me hiding my true feelings, and never really expressing myself. Then, occasionally, my feeling side would explode from repression, and everyone would be shocked.

I did this as well and my mother is an ISTJ. I patterned my behavior after hers as she was my only parent. I dealt with stress like a TJ and would explode. It's a very frustrating tug of war.

I have extreme difficulties when I'm under a lot of stress/pressure. I then resort to my "survival mode" which is the TJ that got me by in childhood. I'm still learning how to function under stress/pressure. Something that is interesting is that if I take the MBTI when I'm under stress...I come out INTJ. If I take it when I am feeling fine and relaxed, I come out INFJ.

*nods* I do this still. And test the way you do. In fact, I posted a thread about it awhile back. And people seem very confused.

 

[harmonyizmine]

I did this as well and my mother is an ISTJ. I patterned my behavior after hers as she was my only parent. I dealt with stress like a TJ and would explode. It's a very frustrating tug of war.

*nods* I do this still. And test the way you do. In fact, I posted a thread about it awhile back. And people seem very confused.

It's refreshing that there's someone out there who understands. I can feel isolated at times.

It is really interesting to note the ISTJ/INFJ dynamic in an INFJ's childhood. I wonder if there are any other INFJ's out there who can relate to this?

I would love to read the thread if you have a link to it.

 

[staytuned7]

This thread is absolutely fascinating to read.

My childhood was interesting. The biggest thing that stands out in my mind about it was that my childhood was very, VERY far removed from reality. I'm an only child who was raised by a single INFP mother. She was quite far removed from "reality" herself, so it was never encouraged in me to be more "down to earth." In this respect, I was very lucky because I grew up in a wonderful environment to develop my Ni. However, I didn't grow up in a good environment for my Fe.

I think because I was so similar to my mother in a lot of ways, she couldn't understand why I was so intent on making people happy/pleasing them/keeping the peace (Fi versus Fe, I suppose). There was a constant battle in our household whenever I would come back from visiting my father (ISxP) and step-mother (ESTP). I would always mould myself into someone who fit in with this part of the family, because neither of them were very supportive of my "dreamy" Ni-ness. So I became a bit of an ISFP around these people, which never made me unhappy (for not being true to myself) because it kept the peace and pleased my dad.

My mother, however, could not, forthelifeofher, understand this about me. I'd come home and, for a day or so, while I was still adjusting to a new environment, be this other person. She thought I was being untrue to myself, which I was, but she couldn't see that it was all for my father (because I loved him so much). The funny thing is, though, I didn't do it consciously/with intention. I just did it instinctively and it's not until now that I've grown to realise the underlying "why" I did it.

Anyway, my mother could never see herself doing the same thing and, therefore, couldn't see why I would. This was very hard on me because it would make her quite angry and, of course, I wanted to make HER happy, too. I soon began to dread going to see my dad just because of my mother. It was this whole struggle within me and, because I didn't know why I did this thing, I began to feel like there was something wrong with me. The way my mother treated it, I started to feel like I was a horrible person for being this way and so I became more and more guarded in who I let show to her and the world. Because of this, she's never really gotten to know me very well, which she could have if she had just been more accepting. It's also because of this that my dad has never really gotten to know me, either. I suppose this is a problem that INFJs tend to have...being isolated and misunderstood (which is sometimes of our own doing)

Ah...well...I was not just misunderstood in my childhood because I brought it upon myself. Like I said earlier, I was quite far removed from reality and quite solitary. I didn't need friends because I had numerous ones in my mind, but I enjoyed having them. It was nice to have other kids to pull into my world every one in a while and they always seemed to enjoy it, too. However, I had only a few (quite literally, 3) of these people in my life. The rest simply did not get me and I don't blame them. I was always off by myself either reading or playing with my imagination. I didn't have much of an idea of what one should do "properly" in places like school (which is interesting, because I knew instinctively how to fit in with my dad...but not at school...weird).

I was teased and picked on more than I like to think about. But I always had my own little world and I retreated into it more and more with every ounce of ridicule. I remember I would spend as much time as possible in the library, helping the librarian and reading (and discovering new books to check out and read). I spent a LOT of time at home playing by myself with my toys. However, I never felt lonely.

Middle school is when it all changed because it was when I finally got a slap upside the head by reality. All of a sudden I was thrust into the world outside my head. I guess you could say that Fe really started to work here, because I realised that there were really cool people outside my head as well as people who needed a good friend to listen to them and be there. I learned to tone down Ni, but I was still very weird, and I still found it hard to be accepted. I was depressed all throughout middle school and I think I lost who I really was during those years. It wasn't until recently that I found that person again (it is so very, very nice).

Anyway, I was very aware of myself during that time and very aware of what other people were feeling. I remember once a friend of mine was describing how her ex-boyfriend had called her a bad name. The fact that someone would do this to another person (or why anyone would be mean to that sweet, wonderful friend) ripped my heart up and I started bawling. She didn't know why I was crying so hard, but she started crying, too.

Middle school was when I became aware of all of the bad things in the world. I was picked on as a child, but it never really phased me because, as far as I was concerned, I didn't have to live in that world. In middle school, I DID have to live in that world. I could see right through the facades of my classmates and I was keenly in tune with the meanness that pervaded that environment. It was depressing. I was depressed.

Anyway...that is a LOT! Hahaha. I've never really delved this deeply into that part of my life before so thank you for giving me the opportunity! It's been amazing

 

[StormySunshine]

My mother, however, could not, forthelifeofher, understand this about me. I'd come home and, for a day or so, while I was still adjusting to a new environment, be this other person. She thought I was being untrue to myself, which I was, but she couldn't see that it was all for my father (because I loved him so much). The funny thing is, though, I didn't do it consciously/with intention. I just did it instinctively and it's not until now that I've grown to realise the underlying "why" I did it.

I just read this article which highlights this "shape-shifting" of personalities that INFJs experience: INFJs unite!

If you don't want to read the whole article (which is definitely worth it), here's the part that's relevant:

"With vivid memories of schoolyard awkwardness and failed romances, many INFJs (myself especially) learn to mimic other personality types or, at the very least, take lessons from those other types." -Plight of the INFJ

I have found myself doing the same thing too, and did it a lot growing up in order to cause the least amount of friction among my family (who are all volatile SJ's). Sometimes this meant mimicking them, and sometimes it meant mimicking other personalities in order to better calm them down. For this reason, I feel now that none of them really know me that well, highlighted when my sister told me a couple of months ago that I'm a very reserved person, something that my friends would never characterize me as. My dad, for some reason, thinks of me as a good leader and go-getter, which I know is clearly not the case, while my mom sees me as lazy and unmotivated, which the people I work with would be flabbergasted at.

Ironically, or maybe not so ironically, I still find myself shifting personalities, especially when I'm at work as a customer service rep. I tend to be much more extroverted and engaging of others, although it's all learned, since I'm very much introverted. It's quite draining being that way, though, so I usually go home mentally and emotionally drained, oftentimes leading to bouts of depression.

 

[Sniffles]

I just read this article which highlights this "shape-shifting" of personalities that INFJs experience: INFJs unite!

That's a very interesting article. Thanks for sharing.

 

[staytuned7]

That's a very interesting article. Thanks for sharing.

Yes! Thank you for sharing.

"One of my first girlfriends, on our disastrous first date, accused me of “stealing her personality.” She was probably right. In middle school, I developed my social skills by observing others and then acting like them. It wasn’t until late in college when I finally got comfortable letting my true colors show upon meeting someone new."

I especially resonate with this. It's almost like this guy has lived my life. My ex-boyfriend once asked me why I laughed at things only after he laughed at them. It's kind of like my sense of humour depends on who is around me. This really bugged him.