[INFJ] INFJ-constant tug of war between liking people and needing my own space

[Chesire Tower]

I relate so much to all of this.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

My best fantasy would be to have a lot of money to anonymously give to people so their lives could be stable, happy, and they could reach their potential, but I'd prefer to have limited interaction.

I care about people but weary quickly of what happens when self interest enters the picture. Even the nicest people will throw you under the bus to get their needs met. I like to help but only with effective boundaries in place.

Edit: Just a recent mundane example- a student cancels their lesson a couple hours before so I'm nice enough to reschedule for the next day which they also miss. I come early and wait for them watching in the lobby and no show. They call the office wanting another makeup claiming I stood them up. Bleh and yet so common as behavior goes in people.

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

I care about people but weary quickly of what happens when self interest enters the picture. Even the nicest people will throw you under the bus to get their needs met. I like to help but only with effective boundaries in place.
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Yup.

 

[Forever]

One thing that drives me a bit nutty about my type is that INFJs love people and are endlessly fascinated by them and want to dig deeper into their psyches but on the other hand get quickly exhausted by too much people contact, crave their own space again and keep every intruder into their private sphere at bay by giving them monosyllabic answers and the "Go away" look.

Also I hate small talk, it is incredibly exhausting for me so combined with me needing a lot of alone-time I probably come off as a mixed messenger to people. I really like people but pull away as soon as I am exhausted, don't feel understood or feel that there won't be a deeper connection (the relationship seems like a waste of time without that) but once I have recharged I am back all witty and lively.

How do other INFJs deal with that paradox? I want to know people and want to be known deeply but the steps to reach that end just seem exhausting, too many awkward, lukewarm conversations in between.

Any thoughts?

Because I am incredibly tired and acting out of character, just go on the forum here in your room alone and like everyone here. Best of both worlds.

 

[Nico_D]

Yeah, small talk is exhausting. I can do it but when I have to do it, I can feel my brain cells dying. I try to listen what the other is saying and I find myself slipping away, thoughts start meander and I have to snap myself out of it to get a hold of the punch line. Some people don't even understand subtle clues that I've had enough - I start to slowly move away and say something alike "yeah, that's terrible, but it was nice..." and then they keep going on.

But that tug-o-war, it's tough. I really would like to find a good friend who's got good manners - and some modest intellect wouldn't bother either. But I haven't seen anyone (outside of my family) in six months, so...

 

[Froody Blue Gem]

I can definitely relate, I need a ton of alone time and some people don't understand this. If I don't get the alone time I need, I end up in a state of stress and struggle to properly function. When people invade my personal alone time, it's almost threatening. I push people away and run in the other direction. Some would call it "rude" but it's a survival instinct. However, I do have my moments of needing people.

When I get used to being in a group, I enjoy it but the amount of time I spend with people and enjoy it is very limited. I observe people from a distance and once I get on a close friendship level, I want to know more about them.

 

[cacaia]

I am very much as you describe. It used to bother me but as I recently discussed with Peguy, I think our bodies find it hard to keep up with our minds... And our interest in people. I need processing time or I become overextended.

Realizing that has helped me to accept how I am and pace myself. I tell people who may have seen a very outgoing side of me that that is not how I usually am to avoid misunderstandings when I decline to socialize all the time.

The people I can be around a great deal are generally interesting and interested, very accepting and easygoing, low drama, firm boundaries (i.e. not emotional vampires). Or committed to good communication. Being misunderstood is distressing/frustrating. I don't have to worry if someone is very accepting or committed to communicating well with me. I won't be around someone who repeatedly takes me the wrong way despite my best efforts or people with whom I only have a surface interaction after knowing them awhile.

My interest in a person is more intellectual than personal to begin with and therefore usually arresting in the moment. I used to feel a little bad about the hit-and-run style conversations (i.e. getting very deep very quickly with someone only to never talk to them again). I modified my style somewhat so that I'm less intense in casual meetings. It feels more fair somehow. I save all of that up for my intimates now, (poor things!)

Wow, are you describing me right now? LOL I'm glad to finally connect with people who think the same way.
I now have a good balance with people, but was always a loner before, and was just fine with that. But I would always wish I could talk to more people and somehow be part of their lives- The thing is, I would go too deep too fast and I guess that made people unsteady?
Years after knowing an ISTJ, she told me straight up that when I was a kid, she was a bit afraid of me, because I knew about her emotions more than she did. And here I was thinking she hated me this whole time LOL