[INFJ] Can you really know an INFJ?

[simulatedworld]

I don't think anyone ever really fully knows or understands an Ni dominant person except that person himself.

It's just too up to personal experience and perception.

 

[entropie]

I don't think anyone ever really fully knows or understands an Ni dominant person except that person himself.

It's just too up to personal experience and perception.

word ! And the good think is, noone needs to. Cause that's what all the fun is about in the world. Gettin to know each other each day another way

(That's a wisdom I kept from my days in mental health )

 

[Nyx]

I have the same problem with people knowing me, and I'm dumbfounded sometimes because I feel like I'm actually pretty expressive and open. I have the problem where people latch on with the "It's like you and I have this...connection" and in my head I'm like "Uhhhh, we DO?". Meanwhile, we have next to nothing in common save a couple of similar life experiences.

I'm not sure why people constantly fail to know me very well. For example, I am a writer and it's my passion, I talk about this passion, I express my devotion to it and my dreams surrounding it but very, very rarely does anyone seem to take interest in this part of me. I find that people usually hone directly in on the things that I like that they do too, and since they like them very much they assume I feel exactly the same, even though all I might have said was "Yeah, that band/movie/artwork is really good!".

I also think perhaps it has something to do with HOW I express myself. I'm pretty straightforward and tend to paint complete pictures that include a beginning, middle, and end (resolution). I think perhaps it comes off like it's so resolved and I've made up my mind about it, so it requires no further attention or consideration, if that makes any kind of sense. I am also crap at asking for help or advice since I think so much and people rarely have things to tell me that I haven't thought of already, so I guess I forge some distance myself in that respect.

When it comes to people latching on to me, I think it might just be that I have a knack for bouncing back what someone has told me in the context of THEIR own point of view, insomuch that they mistake it for being MY point of view. I don't mean to do it, I try to choose words carefully by saying "So it's like you feel ________" or "So for you, it is like ______" but it stills seems to be mistaken for "OMG! You and I are SO ALIKE!!". I am also keenly aware of letting people know I am genuinely interested in what they're saying, that I'm listening and hence I validate them and for some I think this has some kind of narcotic effect, lol. Then they come back for more and more. I've had a lot of bad relationships where I did not exist outside of being a vessel for the other person's self validation and it was not good times.

I'm still trying to eek out ways to connect with folks better while still being able to exist as a person unto myself, but it's hard as I am so apt to take journeys into the heads of others to see what is there.

Yeah, I agree so much with everything you said. Many people latch on to me with the whole connection, and me getting them thing. But, the part I bolded was so completely accurate about why this happens to me as I have thought about it, I could not have worded it better. That is soo cool! The part I underlined is the basis for all my bad relationships. I am a straight up vessel for the other person's self validation because I am so keenly aware of letting people know I am genuinely interested, so they just lay it on me. I continue to listen and respond with what they were saying in context because I understand them so well even though they know nothing about me. In bad relationship that other person craves this and claims us to be best friends. This is scarily accurate! I am relieved others feel this. I don't feel so crazy/ asshole-ish now, I just can't help it. I really try to connect with people but some form of this ends up happening more often than not.

 

[Skyward]

I don't think anyone ever really fully knows or understands an Ni dominant person except that person himself.

It's just too up to personal experience and perception.

Mhm, and also a lot of how we act depends on context, too. People who think how we act around them is how we act around everyone aren't seeing the whole us. We are also multitalented, usually, but don't advertise what we've done.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I've seen several NFJ's talk on the board about others thinking that we regard them as besties when we are just being nice, and then suddenly, you have a problem. So I'm figuring that's kind of normal for my type. But recently, I've been pretty stunned at some of the assumptions my friends (not good friends, mind you, but people I hang out with) make about me. For example, that I never drink alcohol, and that I'm very conservatively religious.

Definitely happens to me. I think there is a way I'm suppose to reassure people that I'm not judging or conservative, and I remain quiet. I think that is why they project those things onto me.

I'm so curious as to what kind of a thought process would go into something like that. Is it some type of weird projection of self? If so, could that also explain why some people take our type as BFF's when we are really not all that into someone else and just being nice?

I don't know that this part happens to me now. It probably requires a little more leaning towards extroversion and/or Fe than is my nature. The opposite tends to be true. I don't like to pressure people and sometimes they interpret that as me being distant. Being an intrusion is something I have no capacity for, especially now. If they never choose to spend time or communicate with me, then I'm not going to be offended, but I'm also not going to think they are interested in a friendship with me. In the end, I know I'm not exciting socially, so I think people who have been close to me in the past get bored and leave. I tend to have a few friends who like to get lost in idea space with me which we think is fun, but it is unspeakably rare for me to make a connection with someone.

 

[mockingbird]

This is nice! There are so many people I could quote here as having written something that I could have written but my post would be too long!

I think the fact that I keep suprising people is that I have learned how to look past what is different about people and make the most of our similarities. I relate to them in ways that I know they will understand and throw a bit in about myself every now and then that they can't relate to every now and then just for a bit of fun.

This is a whole lot better than what I used to do in my teen years. I used to pity myself over the fact that no one understood me and I was a very sullen and reclusive person. When I did express myself, I didn't bother trying to tailor what I said for the particular people I was speeking to because I felt that I just had to be "real". I have long sense grown past this, and thank God! Otherwise I still wouldn't have any friends.

But now, Ive learned to enjoy others for the way they are. I almost always understand them a lot more than they understand me which leads them to think we are more alike than we actually are, but you know, it really is fun suprising them every now and then!
I actually have different groups of friends that I can share different aspects of myself with. Each group gets a different picture of me. I'm not being fake. Each of those aspects of me are real, they just aren't the whole story. As long as I have someone that really understands me, which I do, then I am OK with this. And I have grown so much as a person by looking outside myself and through the eyes of others.

 

[Sarcasticus]

I actually have different groups of friends that I can share different aspects of myself with. Each group gets a different picture of me. I'm not being fake. Each of those aspects of me are real, they just aren't the whole story. As long as I have someone that really understands me, which I do, then I am OK with this. And I have grown so much as a person by looking outside myself and through the eyes of others.

Interesting. How does a person get to see other sides of you that you haven't shown them but are showing others?

What makes you decide to only show one facet of yourself to a person?

 

[Nyx]

This is nice! There are so many people I could quote here as having written something that I could have written but my post would be too long!

I think the fact that I keep suprising people is that I have learned how to look past what is different about people and make the most of our similarities. I relate to them in ways that I know they will understand and throw a bit in about myself every now and then that they can't relate to every now and then just for a bit of fun.

This is a whole lot better than what I used to do in my teen years. I used to pity myself over the fact that no one understood me and I was a very sullen and reclusive person. When I did express myself, I didn't bother trying to tailor what I said for the particular people I was speeking to because I felt that I just had to be "real". I have long sense grown past this, and thank God! Otherwise I still wouldn't have any friends.

But now, Ive learned to enjoy others for the way they are. I almost always understand them a lot more than they understand me which leads them to think we are more alike than we actually are, but you know, it really is fun suprising them every now and then!
I actually have different groups of friends that I can share different aspects of myself with. Each group gets a different picture of me. I'm not being fake. Each of those aspects of me are real, they just aren't the whole story. As long as I have someone that really understands me, which I do, then I am OK with this. And I have grown so much as a person by looking outside myself and through the eyes of others.

I agree, this is nice. It's so weird, everytime I read a thread about INFJness I can second the majority of what other INFJs are saying. When I read the posts I want to say, wow, that sounds so much like me! I'd be here all day if I did that...and I would sound repetitive which is quite annoying. So now I will just assume I'll usually agree with most of us.

Oh, and I get exactly what you are saying about friends and such... I could have written that. It's nice to know that I am not the only person who is this way. I'm not trying to be fake or a bitch. It is just the way I am . Natural. At least I know there are others and it's not just me being crazy.

 

[mockingbird]

(this is in reply to Sarcasticus. I don't know why this iPhone won't let me quote anyone.)

I allow them to see more and more of me as they get to know me better. I have just learned from experience not to put too much of myself out there as much about me is misunderstood by others. They are not actually disliking me and what I've said but they are rather misinterpreting me and disliking me for something I didn't even say. My goal of course, is to share more and more of myself with them as I learn more and more about how they think and what they are able to understand about me. I can only do this by listening to them more than speaking. Every now and then I test the waters by throwing out something about myself that they haven't seen before and if they are intrigued, I let them in a bit more. But if they blow me off or tell me I'm weird then I withdraw again. Not into depression or anything, although it can be truly frustrating not being understood and it does get me down sometimes. But I still have hope that these relationships can grow. I just have to be patient with my friends. The more I show them that I understand them, the more they trust me, and the more they trust me, the more they are willing to try to understand me.

 

[Sarcasticus]

I allow them to see more and more of me as they get to know me better. I have just learned from experience not to put too much of myself out there as much about me is misunderstood by others. They are not actually disliking me and what I've said but they are rather misinterpreting me and disliking me for something I didn't even say. My goal of course, is to share more and more of myself with them as I learn more and more about how they think and what they are able to understand about me. I can only do this by listening to them more than speaking. Every now and then I test the waters by throwing out something about myself that they haven't seen before and if they are intrigued, I let them in a bit more. But if they blow me off or tell me I'm weird then I withdraw again. Not into depression or anything, although it can be truly frustrating not being understood and it does get me down sometimes. But I still have hope that these relationships can grow. I just have to be patient with my friends. The more I show them that I understand them, the more they trust me, and the more they trust me, the more they are willing to try to understand me.

So the showing each friend a different side of yourself is more about the friend demonstrating herself to be more accepting of that side over others? Or does it have to do more with you intuiting common ground in regards to that facet, and so showing that side of yourself. And perhaps not revealing something if you sense that it would be rejected?

 

[mockingbird]

Reply to Sarcasticus

More of the latter. I come across as a bit of a wallflower when people first meet me. This is because I am taking in all the information about that person that I can. It is a very intuitive process and as such does not take as long as it would were I to be simply analizing specific details about what they are saying. A single sentence or posture can tell me volumes that they are not expressing. And Im not even sure how I do this. I do occasionally try to gently stretch their understanding of me once they've gotten a bit more used to me. Sometimes they are willing to let me stretch them in this regard, and sometimes they are not. Whether or not they are is what indicates to me that they are willing to understand more about me and I will use what understanding I have already gleaned about them to share the new aspect of myself in a way that I know they will comprehend.