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[ENFP] INTJ trying to understand an ENFP's actions

thescientist

New member
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Jul 23, 2009
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254
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INTJ
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5w4
So I've been hanging out with an ENFP coworker and we've been on a few dates. On our third or fourth date we kissed (he initiated). After that we've kissed on a few other occassions at work/after work.

We see each other at work all the time since he sits in the same row as me.

It's been about 3 weeks since our last date. He stopped texting me and hasnt asked me out again. He continued flirting with me at work from time to time. Other times he completely ignored me. He definitely compliments me a lot less than he use to. Needless to say I was feeling a bit led on by his flirtatiousness at work. It has become clear to me that he lost interest which is unfortunate since we had such a great time on our dates. But now things are extremely awkward at work.

It's like I sense some animosity or bitterness from him. I'm trying to determine where it's coming from, or if I'm misjudging his actions. I've made many playfully sarcastic comments to him at work.

For instance, today I jokingly said something along the lines of "so I heard you were the LVP of the volley ball team, least valuable player". Then he bites back with an even more sarcastic and rude comment. But his sarcasm felt real, while mines was rather innocent. He basically said something along the lines of minding my own business and that he's having fun with the guys in the row at the moment. I just sensed the undertone was more than sarcasm.

Anyhow..I leave work with a simple 'nite. And he doesnt even look at me. Just stares at his screen and says 'good nite'. This is coming from someone who would walk me to my car every evening after work. I dont care if he no longer walks me to my car, but his unfriendly demeanor just hurts, especially because I feel like he led me on.

What is up with this ENFP? Could I have hurt his feelings?

I'd like to talk to him and let him know that the awkwardness was just bothering me and just be honest with him. I just like to be on good terms with everyone. I hate the vibe between us now. It's awful. I don't know....I'm not trying to woo him back, I just want things to be normal again...being friends is fine with me. He's just so much fun to be around.

ENFP's out there...what's your take on this? How should I deal with him? Will having a friendly talk with him just make things more awkward?

--A very confused and slightly hurt [gasp] INTJ.
 
Last edited:

Lady_X

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i would just tell him exactly that. straight up honesty is always a good option.
 

Wonkavision

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i would just tell him exactly that. straight up honesty is always a good option.

I agree with Lady X.

What else can you do?

Regardless of how he may react, telling the truth is the best (if not, the only real) option.
 

thescientist

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I agree with Lady X.

What else can you do?

Regardless of how he may react, telling the truth is the best (if not, the only real) option.

Some friends suggested just ignoring him seeing as he used me just for an ego boost while he was clearly uninterested.

Are ENFP's vengeful? I dont know why I sense this from him. If I ignore him, it's almost like he'll try to ignore me twice as much or be unusually cold with me.

:doh: i hate this....
 

Lady_X

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no...well i'm not even a tiny bit vengeful but it's likely he misunderstood/misread something and is reacting to false intuition...it happens...clearing it up is a good idea.
 

CzeCze

RETIRED
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It depends on how healthy and mature he is.

One thing that is great for an ENFP (and anyone) is telling him very explicitly how you feel or asking him point blank, "What's going on? I enjoyed hanging out with you but I sense tension now. Is there something bothering you? I want to clear the air, especially since we work together."

You can even do it over e-mail, that might even be a good way to start.

If he's immature or what not, he may continue to act shady or weird. Seeing that you are INTJ - he may think that you rejected him or something.

The best thing to do if he continues acting strange is to ignore him. Be polite but that's it.
 

Virtual ghost

Complex paradigm
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Jun 6, 2008
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19,769
I don't want to be mean towards anyone but the fact is that ENFP sometimes simply do not act in a logical way (and they are even proud of it).
So if you are trying to place him into a logical framework you could be making a mistake.
 

Strawberrylover

New member
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Jul 18, 2009
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101
MBTI Type
ENFP
So I've been hanging out with an ENFP coworker and we've been on a few dates. On our third or fourth date we kissed (he initiated). After that we've kissed on a few other occassions at work/after work.

We see each other at work all the time since he sits in the same row as me.

It's been about 3 weeks since our last date. He stopped texting me and hasnt asked me out again. He continued flirting with me at work from time to time. Other times he completely ignored me.

Ditto with everyone else who suggested talking to him, but I also wanted to ask for clarification purposes:

What happened on that last date? Did you detect any coldness from him then? When did you start detecting that he was becoming emotionally withdrawn? If you think clearly and put yourself in his shoes, have you been not responsive and cold to his reaching out to you?

You don't have to answer these questions here, but they might help you get a clear picture of what's going on.

Without knowing the dude personally other than just that he's an ENFP, I think it could be a case of crossed signals. I don't think we take sarcasm from people we're interested in very well. Especially in the beginning stages of romance, it triggers an automatic "What's going on? Does this person still like me? Why are they being so mean?" I wonder if the LVP remark could trigger this with a man, especially if it was said in front of other people.
 

Scott N Denver

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I'm an INFP not an ENFP, but as one who has had many dealings with INTJ's, and INTJ women as well, let me just throw in that much about how an INTJ acts could be offensive or highly offensive to an NFP. Particularly really basic low level stuff done by INTJ's has often been offensive/offputting. I know that INTJ-ENFP seems to be a rather common pairing, so it can be done successfully, but from my experience and vantage point there is much about INTJ's that can be very offputting to an NFP, especially f-INTJ and m-ENFP.

I don't know what happened in your particular instance, but I will say that I've often found INTJ sarcasm very offputting until about the 1000th or more time where I just quit taking it seriously at all and quit giving a ____. BUT it took me 1000 or more times to get there, and it still will piss me off if I'm not consciously thinking/remembering to not take it at all seriously.
 

nomadic

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Yeah, it sounds like you probably did something rude, or kinda totally off putting that he either noticed or you thought was nothing big.

something like, he heard you dated other guys at work and did the deed, or he heard you talked bad about him.

either way, the best way would be to go up to him and ask in a sweet puppy dog eyed, "did I do something to make you mad at me?" otherwise, yeah, sounds like u did something to offend him and you went from a "potential that might be worth the workplace complications" to a "fling material that is not worth the workplace consequences". or he could have just recently gotten a girlfriend who is very good at keeping his mental attention at close bay.
 

Skyward

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I'd like to add something, there's a good chance he's 'afeared' of settling on one person in a relationship. ENFPs are explorers and, well, explorers don't want to be in the same place all the time. The fear of singular commitment could be what is making him withdrawn. He might be trying to back out of the relationship quietly.
 

Amargith

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Mmm, you hit a nerve with that joking comment. His insecurity showed in his response, I'd say. Which would suggest that he believes you judge him on something and therefore dont like/respect/value him in some way.

What did happen on that last date, coz if I'd have to guess, I'd say the answer lies there. (no need to divulge if you feel awkward doing so, just wondering)

And yes, if you cannot figure it out, go to him with a :"Hey, can we talk for a sec? Did I do something to upset you, coz honestly, if I did, it wasn't intentional."

If he denies that vehemently, he's protecting himself and you're best off asking him in a non-judgemental way why things seem to be so different between you two and you're only looking to understand what's going on, as you appreciate him too much to risk leaving certain things hanging between you two as appears to be the case.
 

Clonester

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If I took a guess, the ENFP probably saw something in you he didn't like and doesn't think the relationship would work as a result. Can't speak for all ENFP's, but I'm not afraid to end such a relationship quickly. What could be happening is he doesn't want to hurt YOU with a confrontation, so he's playing it cool and letting things go slowly. Ask him and he'll probably tell you why.
 

Kalach

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Smooth, guys, really smooth. Some guy's giving an INTJ the cold shoulder and you tell her it might be her fault. Smo-o-o-oth. Really.

Scientist, you are within your rights to collar this guy and say "Dude, WTF?" In fact, if you want an answer, you probably have to. You might actually have to say directly to the guy that he can choose to go back to being friends if he wants. (And you better watch out for him overcompensating at that point.) If he wants to fade on the whatever you guys have started, he can speak the words to you, yeah?

Anyway, these things can fester. Better to ask and find out.
 

Amargith

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Smooth, guys, really smooth. Some guy's giving an INTJ the cold shoulder and you tell her it might be her fault. Smo-o-o-oth. Really.

Scientist, you are within your rights to collar this guy and say "Dude, WTF?" In fact, if you want an answer, you probably have to. You might actually have to say directly to the guy that he can choose to go back to being friends if he wants. (And you better watch out for him overcompensating at that point.) If he wants to fade on the whatever you guys have started, he can speak the words to you, yeah?

Anyway, these things can fester. Better to ask and find out.

Kalach, I think you're misunderstanding us here. Or at least me. She asked for insight into his behavior, which was provided. Since his motives are unknown, it is impossible to know if a misunderstanding occurred (hence the question: what happened on the last date?), or if he's being a jerk. I like to give the benefit of the doubt. To both people. I'm merely inquiring as to her behavior and how things went to see if I can find something that an ENFP (rightly or wrongly so) could interpret badly and make him behave this way, not judging her or what she's done/said.
 

Kalach

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Yeah, but she's already second-guessing. She can sit at home wondering what she did wrong and trying to work out how it would affect someone, or she can ask and learn.

The latter would be the Te thing to do. And she's interacting with a person, so might as well let her use her extraverted functions, yeah?


Plus, the guy's already started a program of "We're having happy fun over here and you're not part of it and I'm not even looking at you because no one can hurt meeee!" Better to address it, yeah?
 

Amargith

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agreed that asking is probably the best solution in her situation :)
 

Rachelinpa

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If I took a guess, the ENFP probably saw something in you he didn't like and doesn't think the relationship would work as a result. Can't speak for all ENFP's, but I'm not afraid to end such a relationship quickly. What could be happening is he doesn't want to hurt YOU with a confrontation, so he's playing it cool and letting things go slowly. Ask him and he'll probably tell you why.

Yeah, I agree. Seems like he is fizzling you out. I would ask sooner rather than later. The more time he spends away from you, the more he may think to himself, "wait a sec, maybe we COULD work!" And then, you will be back on the roller coaster of "what could be" only to end up where you are now all over again.
 

sculpting

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Plus, the guy's already started a program of "We're having happy fun over here and you're not part of it and I'm not even looking at you because no one can hurt meeee!" Better to address it, yeah?

Oh that would be a Te defensive response, good call. Yup straight up honesty is the best path.

Maybe mention you really did like him and even admit that sometimes you can come off intimidating, but that an honest understanding would be really helpful.
 

seeker22

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today I jokingly said something along the lines of "so I heard you were the LVP of the volley ball team, least valuable player".

Ouch. Of course, context is everything, but this sounds likes a hurtful comment, especially if made in front of others. You might have not only hurt his feelings, but also embarrassed him in front of colleagues, hence the ENFP shield went up and he became defensive because he felt publicly ripped (even though you say you didn't mean it that way). ENFPs are sensitive - we might keep it inside because we have Fi but we are definitely sensitive...

Then he bites back with an even more sarcastic and rude comment. But his sarcasm felt real, while mines was rather innocent. He basically said something along the lines of minding my own business and that he's having fun with the guys in the row at the moment. I just sensed the undertone was more than sarcasm.

He feels attacked so is responding in kind. Curious - what was your "tone" in your comment - ENFPs will respond more to the tone of the message even more than what is actually being said a lot of times. If the tone AND message both ripped him, you definitely have a hurt ENFP on your hands.


What is up with this ENFP? Could I have hurt his feelings?

Yes. Most definitely.

I'd like to talk to him and let him know that the awkwardness was just bothering me and just be honest with him.

Great idea... Most ENFPs are verrrryyy forgiving if approached with authenticity and a sincere apology...

I know you didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but for some reason you struck a nerve with your comment I think, and hurt his feelings, and then he began his distancing behavior (self protection/preservation).

I don't think it's anyone's *fault* just a T/F inadvertant clash. I think there is definitely hope! =) We ENFPs do enjoy playful witty banter but usually not at anyone's expense - especially at our own expense in front of work colleagues. Again, I know your intentions were good. =) Definitely talk to him and clear it up. We ENFPs forgive and bounce back quickly once we *understand* the other person's perspective... =) Good luck I am rooting for you!
 
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