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[ENFP] INTJ trying to understand an ENFP's actions

Thalassa

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Maybe he thinks you're not interested. As an NFP, I suggest that you talk to him, and ponder the option that you may have inadvertently hurt him, because I know I can take NTJs the wrong way sometimes.

I think if he's interested and you approach him without sarcasm, he'll open up. If he doesn't talk to you after that, then at least you'll know that he's just not interested so you can have closure in this situation.
 
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Lasting_Pain

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Hmm, my bad. If it is only a friendship then my advice is not needed. But if you are pursing a relationship with him, then you would not want to receive my advice. You are making a smart choice in putting him in the friends category, even if you aren't aware it is a smart choice.
 

Thalassa

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--UPDATE--

Thanks to everyone for their insight.

I returned to work today and everything went great. I didn't have 'the talk' with him. He was very amicable and flirty and just generally very nice to me so I didnt think it was necessary. It's almost like he needed the break from me. Maybe he was feeling suffocated? Who knows. Guess my vacation was perfect timing. I think he missed me around work. He asked me how long I was gone for and said that it felt like a really long time.

I was friendly and nice, not overly so, but maybe just a tad flirtatious. I was jJust excited to tell him about my trip, and he was excited to hear about it. I avoided any stinging sarcasm. I realized a lot of my past sarcasm was in the presence of other male coworkers and it probably hurt his ego big time.

Anyhow, we'll see how long this lasts. I don't think he's interested in pursuing anything serious which I'm totally fine with. At least the tension is not there and things seem to be back to normal...for today.

I'm definitely learning how to better interact with with ENFP's. :hug:

oh sorry, I should have read this before I posted. oops. well, glad things are okay again. :hug:
 

thescientist

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Hmm, my bad. If it is only a friendship then my advice is not needed. But if you are pursing a relationship with him, then you would not want to receive my advice. You are making a smart choice in putting him in the friends category, even if you aren't aware it is a smart choice.

lol...if you read the entire thread you will understand some of the dating and communication dilemmas. He's the one who is not interested...anymore at least. He stopped initiating contact.

I still cant help but to find ENFPs so fascinating and inspiring...sigh...:wubbie:
 
L

Lasting_Pain

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lol...if you read the entire thread you will understand some of the dating and communication dilemmas. He's the one who is not interested...anymore at least. He stopped initiating contact.

I still cant help but to find ENFPs so fascinating and inspiring...sigh...:wubbie:

Actually I did, You just seem quite persistent, to be a person who is trying just be friends with him.
 

Lethe

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thescientist said:
The only relationship I want to establish now is that of a friendship because I sincerely enjoy his company.

I still cant help but to find ENFPs so fascinating and inspiring...sigh...:wubbie:

After one indirect (romantic) rejection from an ENFP, I ended up searching for other ENFPs and discovered a few great individuals along the way. They're seriously one of the most interesting people I've ever known. If romance is not an option, then friendships are just as rewarding (IMO).
 

thescientist

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Actually I did, You just seem quite persistent, to be a person who is trying just be friends with him.

Well because we work together and sit in the same row. I have to see him everyday and be constantly reminded of the rejection. So I'd rather establish a friendship and attempt to erase the awkwardness of it all.
 

Wonkavision

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So last week went great. All 3 days he was friendly and touchy feely and just his goofy self. VERY flirtatious, I'm sure innocently intended. He actually walked me to my car one day. Even went out to lunch with a group of coworkers in his car, granted he didn't invite me, another coworker did, but still we had a nice time. I've been careful about being sarcastic or saying anything to personally attack him.

Monday I come in to work...wow, it's like a whole 'nother person! WTH? :huh: He didnt say a peep to me the entire day. But in general he was just more serious. He conversed with the other coworkers, but he didnt joke around with them as usual. He didn't turn the silly switch on AT ALL, which he normally would do a few times a day.

I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt though, because I dont know if something happened during the weekend that's causing him to behave this way. My crazy brain is over-analyzing thinking that he's doing this again to send me a HINT to ensure that I'm not feeling led on after all the flirtation that ensued last week. Is this possible?

When an ENFP doesnt turn on the silly switch at all for a day when they normally would, what does that usually mean?

I guess we'll see what he's like tomorrow. Hope it's hot and NOT cold. I'd even accept room temperature...just be consistent! :BangHead:

I'm hoping that logging my experience with this ENFP is helping someone out there understand them better.

Those were once my exact thoughts. ;)

In conclusion, I found it was best not to take that personally.

I think this is great advice. :D


My ENFP defines the 'hot and cold' characteristic and the Ne-Fi combo takes him on drastic mood swings. One moment, he's having the best time of his life (to 'mask' his disturbance), the next.... he'll brood about an unfortunate morning incident with a colleague. His emotional world sometimes share a resemblance to a natural disaster. :laugh: As long as this isn't affecting his judgment, I wouldn't over-analyze it. :) (I'd even go as far as to say, if he's comfortable sharing these concerns with you, that's a good sign of his trust.)

It's always nice when someone understands. :yes:

Well said. :nice:
 

thescientist

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After one indirect (romantic) rejection from an ENFP, I ended up searching for other ENFPs and discovered a few great individuals along the way. They're seriously one of the most interesting people I've ever known. If romance is not an option, then friendships are just as rewarding (IMO).

This is nice to hear. I'll keep my eye out for them, hopefully that's not too hard. I'm drawn to them like moths to a flame. Just hope I don't get burned!
 

Lethe

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This is nice to hear. I'll keep my eye out for them, hopefully that's not too hard. I'm drawn to them like moths to a flame. Just hope I don't get burned!

It's more like I end up turning into a kooky fluffball, to my surprise. :doh: :laugh:

Basically, be prepared to do things you normally wouldn't. ;)

It's always nice when someone understands. :yes:

Well said. :nice:

The benefit of having thinking-preference (TJ?) means their emotional Fi intensity bounces right off of me. I'm not as negatively affected by it as other people would be.
 

alcea rosea

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What is up with this ENFP? Could I have hurt his feelings?

It sounds like he is hurt. But it can be that it's not significant thing but it's just bugging him. ENFP's can be pretty moody and inconsistent in their behaviour. I mean it can look like that outside but inside there are cause and the reason and the connections of all things).

If you'll ask about this thing from him, do it gently because he can be even more hurt if you confront him and demand the answer.

Although I don't know too much about ENFP male's inner life, lol.
 

Wonkavision

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The benefit of having thinking-preference (TJ?) means their emotional Fi intensity bounces right off of me. I'm not as negatively affected by it as other people would be.

Yeah. I find that to be true in most of my dealings with Ts.

I feel I can be my naturally emotional self because I'm confident the T won't take it personally.

Even if I do lose control a little, I can usually count on the T to realize its my own problem and not theirs, and they don't usually expect a lot of groveling and pleading for forgiveness in order to move on.

With other Fs, the slightest negative emotion can erupt into a major conflict in seconds, and its impossible to move on without gratuitous amounts of apologizing.
 

Wonkavision

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ENFP's can be pretty moody and inconsistent in their behaviour. I mean it can look like that outside but inside there are cause and the reason and the connections of all things).

I think this is an important point.

Although there are some pretty consistent internal processes, the outward mood and behavior of ENFPs is pretty hard to predict.

I would recommend that people don't even try to predict it.

I would suggest being firm but gentle with the ENFP about how their mood and behavior affect you.

And to resist the temptation to remind them over and over again.

If you say it firm but gently, I believe, in most cases, they will take it to heart, and be willing to change.


If you'll ask about this thing from him, do it gently because he can be even more hurt if you confront him and demand the answer.

Absolutely. Good advice. :yes:
 

Amargith

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It's more like I end up turning into a kooky fluffball, to my surprise. :doh: :laugh:

Basically, be prepared to do things you normally wouldn't. ;)



The benefit of having thinking-preference (TJ?) means their emotional Fi intensity bounces right off of me. I'm not as negatively affected by it as other people would be.


My experience exactly. I love my INTJ for being the rock my emotional waves can crash on :blush:

And he loves that he is allowed to roll his eyes at me while being dragged by me into crazy stuff he'd never do (but secretly very much enjoys :devil:)

Also, once you are in the 'inner circle of trust', and you know your ENFP rather well, his moods and actions *will* become clear. I won't say they'll be predictable, but when they happen, you'll be able to put 2 and 2 together :)
 

thescientist

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I've completely given up with this particular ENFP. I feel very angry with him...I feel he uses me as his ego boost at work, then ignores me when he feels like it. I do enjoy his company when he's being genuine and honest, but most of the time I feel like he's not.

I liked the attention, but it's not worth what I'm feeling right now.

He's a very attractive ENFP. I'm sure he has girls falling for him all over the place. He probably sees me as another one of those he cant shake off. I'm not even pursuing him. I got the hint. He wasn't interested. Perhaps he sees my signs of wanting friendship as still wanting something more. I wish he would have just been up front from the start and just had the balls to tell me that he didn't want to pursue anything further....rather than leaving it in this awkward and frustrating 'I'll just ignore' you phase.

At this point, I'm don't want to have a conversation about this with him. It will only stroke his ego further and make him think that I really did like him a lot. That is a service I'm not willing to provide.

It just sucks to be reminded of rejection everyday you go to work...that and I think I overheard him speaking of a girl he's talking to...he did it right in front of me. go ahead, just stab my heart a little harder. I'm INTJ...I have no feelings right?

I'm an emotional wreck today and, yes, wrote this all out of anger.

Wonkavision, it'd be nice to hear your male perspective on all this.
 

Lethe

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Perhaps he sees my signs of wanting friendship as still wanting something more. I wish he would have just been up front from the start and just had the balls to tell me that he didn't want to pursue anything further....rather than leaving it in this awkward and frustrating 'I'll just ignore' you phase.

At this point, I'm don't want to have a conversation about this with him. It will only stroke his ego further and make him think that I really did like him a lot.

Wonka can probably offer better advice than myself, but misinterpretations and a lack of communication do sometimes supply fuel to the existing collisions, which are possibilities in this case.

A few thoughts:

- The ENFP may simply be acting as his charming self, not acknowledging how the other party perceives this behavior.
- Perhaps a personal explanation will permit him to understand how you truly feel. He might believe you weren't as serious as you currently are.
- Did he verbally state he was interested? If not, he could have assume the interaction was a non-committal flirt session.

If you ever decide to speak with him, clarifying your position and gently asking for his is one method of ironing the tension.
 

the state i am in

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F types also will sometimes talk extra loudly when they're trying to achieve something or get rid of baggage. we have a different type of maturity/immaturity. it is indirect. it negates or throws out whole webs of connection at a time, when something feels poisonous. and that poison could be ANYTHING within or associated with the web.

in my experience, i've had negative (read: borderline toxic) interactions with people i cared for very much and who liked me back. it was just the F allergic reactions that prevented us from hearing each other properly. the inability to pinpoint what is SPECIFICALLY wrong and address/fix it, instead watching the whole negativity spread in a cancerous way within the F web.

with that said, ep types don't place as much value in single interactions, on the whole, as ij types do. they just don't have to. we have to pick and choose more bc we meet less people. we don't encounter them as often or may recognize potential connections in a more discriminating way, which makes us more disappointed when they dissipate.
 

Wonkavision

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I've completely given up with this particular ENFP. I feel very angry with him...I feel he uses me as his ego boost at work, then ignores me when he feels like it. I do enjoy his company when he's being genuine and honest, but most of the time I feel like he's not.

I liked the attention, but it's not worth what I'm feeling right now.

He's a very attractive ENFP. I'm sure he has girls falling for him all over the place. He probably sees me as another one of those he cant shake off. I'm not even pursuing him. I got the hint. He wasn't interested. Perhaps he sees my signs of wanting friendship as still wanting something more. I wish he would have just been up front from the start and just had the balls to tell me that he didn't want to pursue anything further....rather than leaving it in this awkward and frustrating 'I'll just ignore' you phase.

At this point, I'm don't want to have a conversation about this with him. It will only stroke his ego further and make him think that I really did like him a lot. That is a service I'm not willing to provide.

It just sucks to be reminded of rejection everyday you go to work...that and I think I overheard him speaking of a girl he's talking to...he did it right in front of me. go ahead, just stab my heart a little harder. I'm INTJ...I have no feelings right?

I'm an emotional wreck today and, yes, wrote this all out of anger.

Wonkavision, it'd be nice to hear your male perspective on all this.


Well, I'm not sure I have much more to say about this.

I will think about it though. :hug:
 

Wonkavision

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misinterpretations and a lack of communication do sometimes supply fuel to the existing collisions, which are possibilities in this case.

A few thoughts:

- The ENFP may simply be acting as his charming self, not acknowledging how the other party perceives this behavior.
- Perhaps a personal explanation will permit him to understand how you truly feel. He might believe you weren't as serious as you currently are.
- Did he verbally state he was interested? If not, he could have assume the interaction was a non-committal flirt session.

If you ever decide to speak with him, clarifying your position and gently asking for his is one method of ironing the tension.

I agree with this completely.

I honestly don't think I can add anything to this.

Very good insights again, Lethe. :yes:
 
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