[INFP] How to Soothe an Unhappy INFP

[amelie]

My INFP friend is getting married and I'm very excited for her and I am one of her bridesmaids. In planning for her wedding, we asked her what type of bachelorette party she would like - wild or tame, etc. To the surprise of all the bridesmaids, she announced that she would like to take a weekend trip across the country. As much as we would all like to do this for her and with her, for some of us, it is simply not possible due to jobs constraints, financial constraints, family constraints, and etc. We all got together and came up with some lovely overnight ideas in cities nearer to our home city - including staying in a 5-star-hotel, shopping, dinner, spa time, and etc. For a couple of the bridesmaids, providing her with this much is a stretch, but we all agree that we want her to be happy.

However, when we explained to her that we could unfortunately not go with her on the long trip, and suggested the alternatives, she stopped talking to any of us. Trust me - we have been very careful to be sensitive and reassure her that we love her and want to do lots for her - we've offered her a shower at the time and in the city of her choosing, gone to her city to help her choose wedding things, and etc. Her fiancee is going on a long trip with his friends, which I suspect is adding pressure to her situation and making her feel like her friends don't care as much because we can't go with her. We've all tried to soothe her, but I'm kind of losing patience with this. Anyone have any advice about how to get her past this point? Anyone think we all owe her the longer trip? Your thoughts, please.

 

[Wiley45]

This probably is not helpful information, but it sounds as if you have been more than accommodating and your INFP friend needs to grow up and deal with the fact that life doesn't always work the way we wish it would.

You don't owe her anything, and I think it was very kind of you to offer a bridal shower in the time and city of her choosing. This is only my personal opinion, but if she continues to require consolation and creative new ideas to "make up" for her disappointment, it seems like her expectations begin to border on selfish and manipulative.

 

[runvardh]

How short of notice is this?

 

[amelie]

Short of notice for the trip, or wedding? It's all still months away and in the planning stages.

Thank you for the feedback, Jewelchild. I was feeling that way, but wondering how others outside the situation would see it.

 

[Scott N Denver]

sounds unrealistic on her part. It working out for future hubbie almost certainly can't be helping her see things reasonably.

 

[runvardh]

Time line is somewhat important as that can help in allowing to clear the needed time. Money is a problem, however, unless she has the ability to pitch in enough to make it possible. Barring that, she may want to get her ass back on the ground for a moment - women should be getting married, not children...

 

[nightning]

In agreement with Jewelchild. It's an inconsiderate request. She might be getting married, but it doesn't mean the world revolves around her.

Perhaps have her consider what's the purpose of a trip across the country? Really consider what a bachelorette party is for... symbolism of last day of freedom? Spending times with the girls? Or maybe simply having a wonderful experience to remember by. The first step for seeing constrains of reality is difficult. Good luck with it.

 

[Wiley45]

Even if there's enough time in advance for people to clear their schedules, people typically have a certain amount of alloted vacation days per year. Even if they did have the vacation time available, but chose not to use it on this cross country trip, that's still a perfectly acceptable reason not to go. It's a large scale time and money commitment, and if it works, great, but it's not a reasonable thing to expect from your friends, especially when some people have family responsibilities, as mentioned.

 

[Scott N Denver]

I assume that when you say "around the country" you mean the US and not, say, Holland or Belgium or Bahrain or some other relatively small country where it might be feasible to drive around it relatively quickly. I know that from Denver to NYC is ~30 hrs, lets call that 4 days of driving, and from Denver to San Francisco is 2 days of driving. And that all driving, no sight-seeing or anything. So thats 6 days from one coast to the other, 12 days round trip. So now I have 2 questions

1) How can someone hold such an unrealistic expectation of others???

2) How is her future-husband managing to pull this off??? Unemployed and has lots of time on his hands and all his best buddies are unemployed as well???

 

[Wiley45]

Bahrain? LOL.

Totally where I'm going for my next party.

 

[runvardh]

Even if there's enough time in advance for people to clear their schedules, people typically have a certain amount of alloted vacation days per year. Even if they did have the vacation time available, but chose not to use it on this cross country trip, that's still a perfectly acceptable reason not to go. It's a large scale time and money commitment, and if it works, great, but it's not a reasonable thing to expect from your friends, especially when some people have family responsibilities, as mentioned.

Yeah, children shouldn't be getting married...

 

[amelie]

Thanks, Nightening. Having her explain what she really wants out of the experience is a very good idea.

Scott - Yes, in the US. The place she wants to go is too far to drive - it would be a plane ride.

I'm not sure what's going on with her having this expectation - frankly, I'm pretty surprised by it and even more surprised that she was so unhappy when we made the alternate suggestions. She hasn't taken any of my calls, but before she stopped talking to the other bridesmaids, she told one of them that she was concerned people were mainly financially constrained and she wanted us to be clear that she would take herself if we paid our own way. Unfortunately, at about $2000 a person for the trip, that's not reasonable either.

It's weird about her husband - I guess he has time off? He works, but actually doesn't make a lot of money, which seems to be sort of an issue between them. I think maybe his friends are paying his way. I remember saving all my money and vacation time when I got married for the wedding the honeymoon, but I guess they have all that covered.

 

[amelie]

Yeah, children shouldn't be getting married...

I appreciate the sentiment. It really helps to see how others see this and makes me not feel so bad for not trying to live up to all her expectations.

 

[jenocyde]

She hasn't taken any of my calls, but before she stopped talking to the other bridesmaids, she told one of them that she was concerned people were mainly financially constrained and she wanted us to be clear that she would take herself if we paid our own way. Unfortunately, at about $2000 a person for the trip, that's not reasonable either.

Good riddance to her. What kind of friend behaves like that? My goodness, she's totally self absorbed and I would welcome the break from her - as the wedding date grows closer, imagine the sort of demands and breakdowns that you will have to face... Nip it in the bud now and don't make any concessions.

 

[nightning]

No, there's definitely no way she can expect somebody to shell out $2000 + vacation time to do that for her... Don't call her anymore, wait for her to call you back as the date approaches. When she realizes her expectations are completely unrealistic...

 

[CzeCze]

Weddings bring up a lot of emotions for people and everything is fraught with meaning. I think a heart to heart with the woman and asking her to plainly ask/tell you what she is thinking and what is bothering her could help.

Your friend's reaction may seem petulant and as I have a lot of experience with immature INFPs who act out I would normally also write her off - except I think in this case it may be more of a communication and stress related issue than someone being a sucky friend or immature person.

INFPs who have ruffled emotional feathers are hard to calm down and get to a place where they feel safe speaking honestly to you and being able to listen (and if the INFP is unhealthy/immature it's not gonna happen! and only partly joking)

But I would say if you value your friendship with her and depending on if something like this has come up before to make an honest attempt to reach her - and as her friend I think you probably know how?

Also, yeah, you're right, she probably does feel anxious and feeling out of sorts about the fact that a lot of her friends no longer live in the same city and she feels disconnected from everyone. Weddings often bring out the harsh reality of the nature and strength of personal relationships and maybe it is only hitting her now how your lives have all diverged and it is hitting her hard and she is feeling this as total rejection or not feeling loved at all, etc. You know how sensitive and emotional women can get. HA! I was kidding about that, but I think you get my drift?

PS My hunch after reading more updates is that there is definitely something going on under the surface? Why exactly she expects the trip and all from you may clarify the whole situation...if you can get her to open up.

 

[amelie]

Jenocyde: Thank you - it's a great point that if we cave to this, there are likely to be more demands down the road. Fortunately, this is not very typical of her behavior.

Nightening: Good advice. I think I will wait for her to call, because the ball is kind of in her court.

CzeCze: Definitely think there is something going on under the surface, and I kind of suspect what it is, but I'm pretty limited when she won't answer any of my calls or my E-mails. I was hoping maybe someone here would have advice on how to get her to open up. I've written her that I'm here for her, and that we all love her and hope that we can talk with her about whatever is going on. I know she was already struggling with how few close friends she has to ask to be bridesmaids, so I think you've hit on something there. I appreciate your thoughts.

I think ya'll have really helped me see that the ball is pretty much in her court and I need to let go of it until she's ready to talk. Thank you for your help!

 

[BlackCat]

it sounds as if you have been more than accommodating and your INFP friend needs to grow up and deal with the fact that life doesn't always work the way we wish it would.

You don't owe her anything, and I think it was very kind of you to offer a bridal shower in the time and city of her choosing. This is only my personal opinion, but if she continues to require consolation and creative new ideas to "make up" for her disappointment, it seems like her expectations begin to border on selfish and manipulative.

This

 

[Tallulah]

I think CzeCze is right. Brides are generally under a lot of stress (a lot of it self-inflicted, but whatevs), and you're most likely seeing some sort of weird shadow-self thing coming out of her because of it. Just know that you are right in this situation--she has no right to expect that you spend your savings and your vacation on a trip for her. I'd give her some time to think about all this before barraging her with phonecalls and such. She needs to realize on her own that she's being unreasonable.

 

[Laurie]

Bridesmaids already spend enough money on the bride, this is really crazy. It sounds like competition with her husband, to me. I would hate to deal with this situation, weddings are already crazy enough without ignoring all your friends.