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[INFJ] How can I tell if a female INFJ likes me or not?

CzeCze

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meh. totally not my style at all. i usually agree with the czecze point of view and wisdom. i really prefer romantic things to stay on the down low for a while. i like the build up and subtlety and wonderment of it all. guys that would come right out and spill their guts aren't very attractive to me. yet i DO like honesty. just a different thing. being circumspect and feeling the underlying energy for me is so much more interesting and allows for a slower build of feeling than plopping it out on the kitchen table right in front of you.

Hee hee, thanks.

And Aphrodite, I totally understand where you are coming from. And it's helpful to the OP to hear the perspective of an INFJ female.

Personally, I do like tension and build up too, a great deal even. :yes: But usually that comes with the *security* of knowing (or having a high probability) that there is mutual attraction. Or enjoying the 'what if' cat and mouse thing.

I was really answering in the best interests of the OP and not so much the perspective of the girl. Since he can't tell if there is mutual interest and there didn't even seem to be flirting going on - for his sake, direct is the way to go or he could be lost in ambiguity forever!

It's very true that timing, build up, method, etc. does play a part and definitely can even effect the outcome - but thinking about those factors can add too much anxiety for some people and paralyze them even more. They can overthink things or lose confidence.

The most important thing for people who are stuck in a situation like the OP's is just to make a move, any move, to at least move things along. I was also thinking that at the very least, the OP could get a definitive "no" if she was not interested so he could move on. And if she said "yes" then he could start worrying about finessing her.

I kinda see my ISTJ friend's problem in the OP's scenario - she totally overthought things, built it too up in her head, and waited wayyyyy too long to make her move. For the OP I saw it as a do or die situation because even if it ends up being about as romantic as dropping a 1/4 pound of fresh pork chop in someone's lap and saying, "For you! Dinner!" it's honestly better than nothing. :D

And once you break that wall of telling someone you like them, you get much better at it in the future. It's kinda like how your first kiss may be clumsy and nerve wracking but it opens the door to more comfortable and better kissing.
 

chasingAJ

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I never tell a guy that I'm attracted to him, unless I'm not really THAT attracted to him. It's like this, if I'm not THAT into the guy, then losing him if he's not into me when I tell him, it's a big deal. (did that make sense?) If I'm really attracted to a guy (and I tend to fall in love before they really know) I keep my mouth shut and do this painful (and sometimes embarrassing) dance of trying to keep his attention and pull off the effortlessly beautiful thing. I'll play the woman warrior with my conquests (89% of them are made up) and see if he gets jealous. Yes, I want some reassurance. Yes, I can do anything/everything myself and might kill you for doubting me... but deep down... in this really hidden place... one that I can't tell you about (if I have to TELL you it doesn't COUNT)... I really want romeo to rush in and sweep me off of my feet. I tried to date a friend of 8 years and it didn't work because he was too shy and timid. The next guy I met (an ENTP btw) was talking to me casually (we were friends) and touched my face (chills, awkward, frozen) and kissed me and took my breath away. Our relationship has been over for 2 years (his choice) and I'm still not over that kiss. He said that he saw my fragile little girl side (which I kicked him for saying) and there was this understood there... that I was full of crap with my feminazi talk and he was allowed to know that if he promised to be the strong/protective/secure guy.

If she's taking time off of work, switch things around and make it a weekend for two. Buy roses (she would NEVER fess up to really wanting romance don't try to ask) and wine. Taking her out of her normal environment will help and you can give her the escape of pretending like it never happened when you get home if she wants. Like a 'what happens in Vegas' thing.
 

ldzpplin518

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Jul 18, 2009
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11
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ISTJ
I'd suggest giving her space so she can let this resonate.
Twiddle away. :D

And good job, seriously, regardless of the outcome. It's great that you stepped up and addressed this.. a lot of people just don't have the guts, and potentially miss out.

Good luck. :hug:

As Tom Petty says, "the waiting is the hardest part". She has been texting me since yesterday, but nothing that is forthcoming, mostly how she felt ill yesterday and is doing better today.

I've never really had a problem asking a girl out before this, I don't know why but I my shyness REALLY came out with her.

In general, it's good to give people a bit of space after you tell them something like that and then to follow up. Don't let it just hang there, if you don't hear from her for a while try to talk to her on the phone or in person (not by email or text or voice message) but at the end of the day - if they want you they want you. "I don't know" is an acceptable TEMPORARY answer but eventually it means "No".

But GOOD LUCK! :D Let us know what happens!

I'm not really sure how to give her space, since we constantly see each other to run together. We've made plans for the next few weekends already too. We're going to be around each other for some time. If she doesn't give me a different answer than "I don't know" it could make things potentially awkward until one of us brings it up again.

If she's taking time off of work, switch things around and make it a weekend for two. Buy roses (she would NEVER fess up to really wanting romance don't try to ask) and wine. Taking her out of her normal environment will help and you can give her the escape of pretending like it never happened when you get home if she wants. Like a 'what happens in Vegas' thing.

Unfortunately, the weekend trip has already been planned out and I can't make it just a weekend for two.

So, you disagree with the other INFJs that I should let her bide her time and should instead try to "woo" her with flowers and romance?
 

CzeCze

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I've never really had a problem asking a girl out before this, I don't know why but I my shyness REALLY came out with her.

Awww, sweet. 'Cause you like her.

I'm not really sure how to give her space, since we constantly see each other to run together. We've made plans for the next few weekends already too. We're going to be around each other for some time. If she doesn't give me a different answer than "I don't know" it could make things potentially awkward until one of us brings it up again.

Okay, this gives me pause.

At this point, I would say forget what anyone here or anywhere else tells you. You two are gonna do what you do. It may end up meandering and never get past the initial "I like you - do you like me too?" it may become that slow warm-up that Aprhodite referred to - but really, I don't think you're ready or willing nor would it be a good idea to cancel all those dates you've already made.

Honestly, if a friend told me that they liked me and I had no answer to give them but planned all these 'dates' with them and kept going as per our routine - I dunno. I wouldn't do that basically, lol. I think she is at the least feelign the situation out. At this point I'm opting out of giving you any potential advice.

Basically, I think as is usually the case, things are gonna run their course and you're gonna do what you want and need to do and whatever happens you will learn valuable lessons and really, it doesn't matter what anyone, especially on a forum, are going to tell you. Things will make themselves clear with time - you got this! ;)

I'm going to reserve any more comments and hunches and advice and judgement until you update us on the outcome of all this. ;)
 

nightning

ish red no longer *sad*
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So, you disagree with the other INFJs that I should let her bide her time and should instead try to "woo" her with flowers and romance?

I think there's only so much you can rely on type to determine how somebody will react or the rational behind her action. Any advice offered here is nothing more than an educated guess.

If it was me though, flowers/chocolate or what not sent discretely with a card say "thinking of you" can't hurt. But I'll be turned off if a guy pushes before I'm ready with my decision. That's just me of course. Who knows what she really likes. Again, best of luck. :)
 

mwv6r

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I'd let her make the next move at this point. Her "I don't know" is a pretty tepid response. It doesn't necessarily mean she's not interested (I would probably become rather deer-caught-in-headlights-ish and be unsure how to respond if I was in her situation), but the tepidness does somewhat decrease the chances of her being interested, in my opinion.

The ball's in her court now. I would pay close attention to how she acts around you for the next week or so. Are there increases in how often and in what context she wants to hang out with you? Does she seem shy and giggly around you all of a sudden? Does she seem to be finding more excuses to touch you (e.g., touching your arm while talking, etc.)? Those things would suggest she's interested. But if she's not displaying those behaviors, honestly, I would let it go. She knows how you feel and that's what's important (kudos for being so upfront, by the way). But don't risk your friendship with her by pushing too hard for a romantic connection.
 

mwv6r

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Ohh, I just read the part about the weekend plans with her. Very important: were these plans made after you told her your feelings, or were they already set previously? If they were already set previously, I would definitely play it cool and wait for her to make the first move. (No flowers/candy yet, until you have some evidence that the attraction is mutual; flowers/candy would be a turn off if I was on the fence about someone.)

If you two made the plans AFTER you told her about your feelings, that's a really good sign and you can be a bit more forward, but don't hit her over the head with the sappy stuff, I dunno about other INFJs but I get turned off by too much of that -- I savor small, genuine acts more than the Valentines-type-gifting. I think if you want to give her something, picking up one of her favorite snacks or buying her a needed piece of running gear would be more subtle and more appreciated, and it avoids the potential awkwardness of flowers/candy (since you're not sure yet whether she likes you in that way).

Good luck!
 

ldzpplin518

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I'd let her make the next move at this point. Her "I don't know" is a pretty tepid response. It doesn't necessarily mean she's not interested (I would probably become rather deer-caught-in-headlights-ish and be unsure how to respond if I was in her situation), but the tepidness does somewhat decrease the chances of her being interested, in my opinion.

The ball's in her court now. I would pay close attention to how she acts around you for the next week or so. Are there increases in how often and in what context she wants to hang out with you? Does she seem shy and giggly around you all of a sudden? Does she seem to be finding more excuses to touch you (e.g., touching your arm while talking, etc.)? Those things would suggest she's interested. But if she's not displaying those behaviors, honestly, I would let it go. She knows how you feel and that's what's important (kudos for being so upfront, by the way). But don't risk your friendship with her by pushing too hard for a romantic connection.

She's been acting a bit strange since I told her. Although we haven't hung out in person, she's been texting me and they are rather cryptic. For instance, last night, she started texting me lyrics from "Time in a bottle" by Jim Croce out of nowhere. Seeing as it's a love song, I'll definitely take that as a good sign. :D

Ohh, I just read the part about the weekend plans with her. Very important: were these plans made after you told her your feelings, or were they already set previously? If they were already set previously, I would definitely play it cool and wait for her to make the first move. (No flowers/candy yet, until you have some evidence that the attraction is mutual; flowers/candy would be a turn off if I was on the fence about someone.)

If you two made the plans AFTER you told her about your feelings, that's a really good sign and you can be a bit more forward, but don't hit her over the head with the sappy stuff, I dunno about other INFJs but I get turned off by too much of that -- I savor small, genuine acts more than the Valentines-type-gifting. I think if you want to give her something, picking up one of her favorite snacks or buying her a needed piece of running gear would be more subtle and more appreciated, and it avoids the potential awkwardness of flowers/candy (since you're not sure yet whether she likes you in that way).

Good luck!

We had the weekend plans BEFORE I told her my feelings.

I guess I'll know more when I get to hang out with her in person.
 

nightning

ish red no longer *sad*
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She's been acting a bit strange since I told her. Although we haven't hung out in person, she's been texting me and they are rather cryptic. For instance, last night, she started texting me lyrics from "Time in a bottle" by Jim Croce out of nowhere. Seeing as it's a love song, I'll definitely take that as a good sign. :D
Ummm I suggest you should carefully examine the lyrics in the song. I know I have a tendency to do that... send a song to describe how I feel when my own words do not suffice.

We had the weekend plans BEFORE I told her my feelings.

I guess I'll know more when I get to hang out with her in person.
Ah. In that case the weekend should be interesting and informative...
 

the state i am in

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And I just confirmed this in that "how to seduce as an INFJ" thread. They actually do do this. When they want you, they will supposedly make it slightly more clear: more smiles, more focused attention, and that's about it :doh:.

underline, bold, and italicize supposedly. we can make all the plans in the world, and some of us actually get to the point where we can hold our own and put it all on the line (or realize that it doesn't have to be all on the line to make a move), but most infjs are more wary of Fe implosion and not as strong with Ti. we can talk/IMAGINE big game, tho.

it comes with practice and positive responses, feedback, and social support. but most of us, the confusion, the fickleness, the uncertainty, the changing perspectives, the moodiness, the neuroticism, it gets in the way and we rarely deliver a clear (read: uniform and linear) message. people who get us can really fuckin juggle.

She's been acting a bit strange since I told her. Although we haven't hung out in person, she's been texting me and they are rather cryptic. For instance, last night, she started texting me lyrics from "Time in a bottle" by Jim Croce out of nowhere. Seeing as it's a love song, I'll definitely take that as a good sign. :D

We had the weekend plans BEFORE I told her my feelings.

I guess I'll know more when I get to hang out with her in person.

a love song means nothing. her take on it could be many things. i'd look up the lyrics, but you won't know the significance until later. we rarely do either. take it as it comes. she probably doesn't know yet. if she does, she is figuring out how to play it in the best way possible. don't force her to move. the best you can do is to find ways to show her that you are a good partner for her, are considerate, understand her and her needs, etc.

the rest is up to the fates. we can either become infatuated with someone right away, or we can grow into our relationships and eventually realize we have stuck around a long time for many good reasons. for being moderately wise creatures, we are often very very poor at recognizing what is going to happen with our own feelings in the future. we imagine the possibilities, but that far down the line, it's really all a guessing game. those kind of holistic judgments are attached to nothing solid, real, or actual. Ti and Te people, when it comes to this, are like a billion times smarter than us.
 

lillyofthevalley

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She and I (I'm an ISTJ) have been friends for about 9 years. I can't get a good read on her because we've been friends for so long. I'm probably just overanalyzing everything, as I'm wanton to do. Is there anything that I should be on the lookout for though?

We are training for the Chicago Marathon together, so we hang out all the time.

DO INFJs react well to bluntness? Should I tell her that I like her or just kiss her (that's really out of my comfort zone as a very shy guy)?

I'm driving myself up the wall with this one and would greatly appreciate any help.

Does she act shy with you at all? Does she laugh to readily at your jokes? Do her eyes smile up at you? Does she randomly touch you? Do you catch her looking at you? Do you find her near you a lot when your are in a group? Does she flick her hair or mess with her hair more when she's around you? Does she check the corners of her mouth or eyes when she's near you? Does she often check or straighten her clothes when she's near you? When you are talking to her does her body language mirror yours? These are clues you might want notice before you make a move. Flirt with her a little and see if she flirts back.
You could always say "I was just thinking I might like to try to see you on a real date basis, do you think this is something you might like to try? If she dodges the question or says no, you have your answer.
 

r.a

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STFU
we can either become infatuated with someone right away, or we can grow into our relationships and eventually realize we have stuck around a long time for many good reasons. for being moderately wise creatures, we are often very very poor at recognizing what is going to happen with our own feelings in the future. we imagine the possibilities, but that far down the line, it's really all a guessing game. those kind of holistic judgments are attached to nothing solid, real, or actual. Ti and Te people, when it comes to this, are like a billion times smarter than us.

yeah it sucks.
 

ldzpplin518

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Does she act shy with you at all? Does she laugh to readily at your jokes? Do her eyes smile up at you? Does she randomly touch you? Do you catch her looking at you? Do you find her near you a lot when your are in a group? Does she flick her hair or mess with her hair more when she's around you? Does she check the corners of her mouth or eyes when she's near you? Does she often check or straighten her clothes when she's near you? When you are talking to her does her body language mirror yours? These are clues you might want notice before you make a move. Flirt with her a little and see if she flirts back.
You could always say "I was just thinking I might like to try to see you on a real date basis, do you think this is something you might like to try? If she dodges the question or says no, you have your answer.

It's been a week since I told her how I felt and I've been getting mixed signals from her. One day she is finding reasons to touch me or be next to me when we're in a group, but the next day she's completely distant.

Based on what aphrodite said about the slow build-up, I've tried to incorporate that into our flirtations. Letting our hands touch as we walk next to each other, or finding reasons to touch her.

I still have no idea what she's thinking because of her mixed signals. I plan on doing something about it this week though.
 

Lexicon

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It's been a week since I told her how I felt and I've been getting mixed signals from her. One day she is finding reasons to touch me or be next to me when we're in a group, but the next day she's completely distant.

..If I found reasons to touch someone [I'm generally not the cuddly-touchy-feely sort], I am, without a doubt, interested in them. Initially I wouldn't be one to make that kind of contact consistently, or too overtly.. so I could see how the signals might seem mixed. Sounds to me like your INFJ is definitely interested, & gingerly testing the waters at this point, to get a feel for your potential responses, etc... it's almost like emotional chess or something. Your move. :rolleyes:
 

Fidelia

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Yep, agreed. I don't touch people that I don't like. If I do with guy friends, it's extremely clear that we're only friends and it wouldn't be anything that could be misconstrued. I only initiate touch with people I am interested in to test the waters (eg elbows/upper arms touching as we sit next to each other in public etc).
 

unagi

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I kind of agree with this. But Nillerz is exaggerating it to get his point across. The main point is you don't need her permission to like her. The fact that you seem to be seeking her affirmation of your feelings could be a turn off.

I think what you need to do is inject some sexual tension. Don't explain everything or try to talk it all out with her. Just treat her more like a woman who you like. Do some things that are sweet but not overboard -- give her a gift, touch her briefly when you guys are together, tell her true stories that illustrate how dynamic you are, be seen with other attractive female friends in her presence, talk to her about her feelings, and show that you value her as a unique person. Do some other, slightly more romantic activities together. Take her out for a drink and then invite her to your place to watch a movie. Going out in public places all the time for jogging is a barrier to a greater degree of intimacy.

Fundamentally, the most you can do is be yourself, be the best guy she knows, and don't feel any need to apologize for this or make sure she thinks it's okay.

Their advice all sucks. Phooey to their advice, they're introverts. I'm an ENFP. I'm fucking pro.

Just fucking grab her shoulders, smooch her right on the lips, look her in the eye, then walk away. Don't look back, just keep on walking.
Seriously.

Don't do anything weird with your tongue, just old-school pucker-face style. Use that MMMMMM-WAH sound if you'd like. When you look her in the eye, see if she's blushing or just confused looking. The thing is, you can pass it off as a momentary random kiss just for the hell of it. Do it when she's talking, nagging you, or something like that.
 

lillyofthevalley

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Their advice all sucks. Phooey to their advice, they're introverts. I'm an ENFP. I'm fucking pro.

Just fucking grab her shoulders, smooch her right on the lips, look her in the eye, then walk away. Don't look back, just keep on walking.
Seriously.

Don't do anything weird with your tongue, just old-school pucker-face style. Use that MMMMMM-WAH sound if you'd like. When you look her in the eye, see if she's blushing or just confused looking. The thing is, you can pass it off as a momentary random kiss just for the hell of it. Do it when she's talking, nagging you, or something like that.

You can't pass it off, we'll know at that point...we're intuitive remember? If you do that and we're not into you, it will always be the pink elephant sitting in the room with us every time we're together. We do like people who are confidant enough to express themselves, it's very attractive to us, but overdoing it makes us put up our force fields from then on, or worse...we'll avoid you.

I'm not sure why I'm offering advice here anyway. I've had a lot of experience with dating but almost none with female-male friendships. My own experience is that when I want just to be friends with a male, he wants more. I end up avoiding him, or having 'the conversation' which results in him avoiding me. Bummer. I don't want to get caught up in a situation where I might cause hurt to someone so I hesitate to get involved with men unless I'm interested in them in the first place.
 

MFJAGgernaut-B

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for being moderately wise creatures, we are often very very poor at recognizing what is going to happen with our own feelings in the future.

It's because INFJs are gifted in intuition and insight, not premonition. We can predict outcomes, but only if everything plays out like we expect them to. Once you start tossing in variables, those predictions start losing stability until we finally abandon the idea and try something else.

With intimate relationships, though, it's not only long-term, but completely riddled with variables tied to the fact that people change feelings on a moment's notice. Even worse, they're one-shot deals; once they fall apart, you can't go back and try something different.

That's why INFJs take the sniper approach to going steady. We don't take the shot until we're sure it's going to be a successful hit, because we can only miss once.
 

lillyofthevalley

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I kind of agree with this. But Nillerz is exaggerating it to get his point across. The main point is you don't need her permission to like her. The fact that you seem to be seeking her affirmation of your feelings could be a turn off.

I think what you need to do is inject some sexual tension. Don't explain everything or try to talk it all out with her. Just treat her more like a woman who you like. Do some things that are sweet but not overboard -- give her a gift, touch her briefly when you guys are together, tell her true stories that illustrate how dynamic you are, be seen with other attractive female friends in her presence, talk to her about her feelings, and show that you value her as a unique person. Do some other, slightly more romantic activities together. Take her out for a drink and then invite her to your place to watch a movie. Going out in public places all the time for jogging is a barrier to a greater degree of intimacy.

Fundamentally, the most you can do is be yourself, be the best guy she knows, and don't feel any need to apologize for this or make sure she thinks it's okay.

I agree that you don't need her permission to like her and you should treat her as a woman you like. The rest of this stuff...hmmm.

Better make that gift something simple but poignant. Even something as simple as a pretty pebble given with the exclamation that when you found it, it reminded you of the color of her hair, or an inexpensive gift from a conversation past, would be way better than a bunch of flowers.

It's good to tell her your stories but it will turn her off if it sounds like you're boasting. I can't tell you how many times I've met a guy and had to listen to him blah blah blah about all the reasons why he's such a dynamo (the worst is when he goes on and on about how good he is at some sport,) or all the stuff he owns. I can't stand a man's salesman approach. If the guy can't stop to ask a few simple questions about me, which shows me that he's curious about my life, I get turned off....or bored.

Being seen with other attractive females, go carefully with this one. Just show her that you are nice to women, but any guy who's too nice to too many women causes suspicion and reluctance. Unless she's not that into you, then it's a relief that it's not just her.

Talking to her about her feelings, go easy with this one also unless you two are already expressing your feelings on things. I would just say things like, what do you think? Expressing an interest in her opinions shows her you are listening and that you are genuinely interested in her as an individual. We like that.

The drink and home for a movie is OK if she's pretty sure you're not going to make a move on her when you're home. Getting together one on one is a good idea, but make it a fun event like canoeing and a light lunch or just walking in a park and feeding the ducks.Keep the first date casual, fun, and down to about 4 hours. Most INFJ's love being around nature and if she's HSP it's helpful to keep the date short at first.

I can't speak for all INFJ women but witty men who aren't afraid to tease me a little in good fun are turn ons.
 
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