[INFJ] How to seduce as an INFJ?

[Synarch]

Heh, it's nice to know that that actually works for some people, I often feel like I move slowly in getting to know someone. It makes me slightly anxious about missing out on that person but it just doesn't work out well if I rush into something.

I haven't always been this way. I used to be very hasty and I probably still have this tendency, but many times I would get serious too soon and then I would have second thoughts later, especially if it was a bad match. You feel caught between your unwillingness to hurt and be hurt by breaking up and the growing certainty that things will inevitably not work out.

 

[runvardh]

Heh, it's nice to know that that actually works for some people, I often feel like I move slowly in getting to know someone. It makes me slightly anxious about missing out on that person but it just doesn't work out well if I rush into something.

This has become my more recent method, trying to limit the screw ups on my end as much as I can.

 

[violaine]

I haven't always been this way. I used to be very hasty and I probably still have this tendency, but many times I would get serious too soon and then I would have second thoughts later, especially if it was a bad match. You feel caught between your unwillingness to hurt and be hurt by breaking up and the growing certainty that things will inevitably not work out.

Interesting. This is one of those times I find myself identifying with you as I experience something similar.

This has become my more recent method, trying to limit the screw ups on my end as much as I can.

Yup, I have never trusted any action based on fear/anxiety... if I miss out on the person because of timing, so be it. Better than getting involved too quickly and having problems later.

 

[iwakar]

I can also see how an INFJs interest in a person can be misconstrued. I find myself using the same laser-like interest and focus on people I value as individuals (and as friends) that I do with men I see as potential romantic partners. I realize now this can be confusing and somewhat misleading because I'd wager most people are not accustomed to that level of attention, availability, and focus and they assume it must be a seductive maneuver. If I find a friendly target becoming a flirty target, I check myself quickly. The older I get, the more effective I am at policing myself and the persona I project.

With INFJs, the interest (maybe) precedes the valuing (maybe) precedes the romantic pursuit. Outwardly, they may all appear as the same step to the receiving party, but in our minds we are definitely at varying levels of interest. Disclaimers aside, I'd like to think that once I reach stage three (romantic pursuit mode) my "aggressive availability" becomes blatantly apparent.

[However, if my blushing, excessive smiling, elaborate gestures, and vortex-like focus while he speaks still does not trigger the "light-bulb moment", I will have no compunction about marching over and sitting on his lap and planting a big one right on the kisser. Confusion and surprise at this stage are only endearing. "But wha...? Huh?" Do not ask silly questions! You have been chosen. Accede to my wishes! :waves invisible scepter: )

 

[Sarcasticus]

INFJ's are seductive because they attend to other people very well. They pay attention. They show interest. They care. They are accepting. They try to see beneath the surface. They appreciate how you are different and special. They do not accede to what Society values. This is very compelling, especially to people who feel misunderstood or complicated or different.

INFJ's are seductive to me in that they respect my boundaries. I do not like to be controlled and I do not respond well to overt attention. If someone comes on to me, for some reason, I don't trust it. If they like me too soon, I wonder how they can like me without even knowing me? Logically, I know that someone can have an initial attraction and this can deepen over time, but I just trust things more if they develop and grow in a slow and unforced way.

+1 It's the very nature of seduction; people want to be liked, appreciated, and accepted without judgment.

 

[runvardh]

[However, if my blushing, excessive smiling, elaborate gestures, and vortex-like focus while he speaks still does not trigger the "light-bulb moment", I will have no compunction about marching over and sitting on his lap and planting a big one right on the kisser. Confusion and surprise at this stage are only endearing. "But wha...? Huh?" Do not ask silly questions! You have been chosen. Accede to my wishes! :waves invisible scepter: )

*bows* yes your excellency.

 

[violaine]

I can also see how an INFJs interest in a person can be misconstrued. I find myself using the same laser-like interest and focus on people I value as individuals (and as friends) that I do with men I see as potential romantic partners. I realize now this can be confusing and somewhat misleading because I'd wager most people are not accustomed to that level of attention, availability, and focus and they assume it must be a seductive maneuver. If I find a friendly target becoming a flirty target, I check myself quickly. The older I get, the more effective I am at policing myself and the persona I project.

With INFJs, the interest (maybe) precedes the valuing (maybe) precedes the romantic pursuit. Outwardly, they may all appear as the same step to the receiving party, but in our minds we are definitely at varying levels of interest. Disclaimers aside, I'd like to think that once I reach stage three (romantic pursuit mode) my "aggressive availability" becomes blatantly apparent.

[However, if my blushing, excessive smiling, elaborate gestures, and vortex-like focus while he speaks still does not trigger the "light-bulb moment", I will have no compunction about marching over and sitting on his lap and planting a big one right on the kisser. Confusion and surprise at this stage are only endearing. "But wha...? Huh?" Do not ask silly questions! You have been chosen. Accede to my wishes! :waves invisible scepter: )

Hehe, thank gawd it gets to this point. It's such a relief.

 

[nightning]

I can also see how an INFJs interest in a person can be misconstrued. I find myself using the same laser-like interest and focus on people I value as individuals (and as friends) that I do with men I see as potential romantic partners. I realize now this can be confusing and somewhat misleading because I'd wager most people are not accustomed to that level of attention, availability, and focus and they assume it must be a seductive maneuver. If I find a friendly target becoming a flirty target, I check myself quickly. The older I get, the more effective I am at policing myself and the persona I project.

Bingo! Iwakar got it down perfectly. We do have different intensity levels of attention (probably duration of attention is a better description) however to people who aren't familiar with our higher than average wattage of attention it looks like romantic interest when it's not.

[However, if my blushing, excessive smiling, elaborate gestures, and vortex-like focus while he speaks still does not trigger the "light-bulb moment", I will have no compunction about marching over and sitting on his lap and planting a big one right on the kisser. Confusion and surprise at this stage are only endearing. "But wha...? Huh?" Do not ask silly questions! You have been chosen. Accede to my wishes! :waves invisible scepter: )

More to the point, you cannot actively seduce an INFJ. We choose you... if you're worthy.

 

[violaine]

I've been seduced once before. More like trick me once, won't let you trick me twice.

 

[r.a]

usually how i go about seducing a woman is a drawn-out process, and while it may not work to most people standards, i still like the process because if she sticks it out during my "evaluation period" of the situation and finally gives in then she has found herself a real place in my heart.

sometimes i am a bit more impulsive and will seduce a woman that i know isnt my type for surface reasons. i will get my way and will be unsatisfied because i know its not what i really want. then i have to end it. over the years i have gotten better and not being so passive when i end things so im more direct, but i still got work to do on that.

 

[mwv6r]

Went at it like rabbits with spring fever. :rolli:

If she was [INFJ], she was probably a desperate one with an unusually high libido, and intended to let you do that.
I kind of doubt you have anything to be proud of.

I dunno, I kind of wanna give Runvardh a high five. It's not so easy to bed an INFJ: many have tried, few have succeeded.


Is it really that unusual for INFJs to engage in meaningless sex at some point in their lives?

There was one summer in college when I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and decided that I would play the field. It was actually really fun. I dated several guys at once and kept them all from knowing about each other, which was quite a balancing act and led to a lot of hilarious situations that made for amusing conversations with my girlfriends. (For a while I wrote about my exploits under a pseudonym for the college newspaper and had quite a following of readers.)

Of course, I made it clear to each guy I was dating that I wasn't his girlfriend and that there was no commitment. I would never condone lying. I guess you could say I seduced them but I don't think I had a game plan for seduction or anything like that, I agree with the people who said INFJs are naturally seductive in that we're so responsive to others, make them feel listened to and valued, let them be themselves, etc. I genuinely liked each guy but was just jaded about relationships at the time and didn't want any commitment. I did eventually let go of all the suitors except one because after I got particularly close to one of them I felt guilty and just couldn't date the others anymore.

Anyway. A couple years later I found myself in the midst of another break-up. I was like, hey, I'll try the playing-the-field-thing again - I'm sure it'll work like a charm just like last time. Totally didn't work the second time! All of a sudden the dating scene made me miserable and playing the field held zero allure. I guess it was just a brief window of time when that lifestyle worked for me. Maybe it was my one summer as my ESTP shadow self

 

[nightning]

Is it really that unusual for INFJs to engage in meaningless sex at some point in their lives?

Good question... I dunno, that thought has never came across my mind... to have meaningless sex. It just feel completely not me. Maybe there'll be a point in time where I'll feel that way but I can't say I've experienced it.

 

[r.a]

I dunno, I kind of wanna give Runvardh a high five.
Is it really that unusual for INFJs to engage in meaningless sex at some point in their lives?

it comes in waves. i wont date any girls for a while (sometimes years) then i will go through an accelerated period of a few weeks to a couple of months where i am like a revolving door for meaningless sex. the act wears thin sooner than later and i either go back to being a hermit or get into some relationship where i am taken for granted for a while.

either way i always end up back in my self-imposed solitary confinement

 

[Lauren Ashley]

I dunno, I kind of wanna give Runvardh a high five. It's not so easy to bed an INFJ: many have tried, few have succeeded.

But she was desperate. It's not difficult at all to get a desperate woman, of any type...

Is it really that unusual for INFJs to engage in meaningless sex at some point in their lives?

Yes, it has to do with inferior Se. Now play on the shadow side, and it's a completely different story.

 

[laudanum225]

i just recently got out of a bad bad relationship. i must say, with elevated intuition levels it is quite mysterious how i could even get into something like this. :O
but then again, i find myself always very much attracted to unstable, unbalanced ppl that obviously need help... i guess its a helper-syndrom disguised as romantic attraction.

noticed that a lot of guys think i am arrogant/ mean/ lesbian, just because i will not succumb to their primitive overtness. but yeah, that is what most mating dance type flirts are for me, primitive. hmm...

decided i would go out n play the field for a while, too, but the more i think of it, the less attractive the idea appears.

would you say as an INFJ that ppl in need are a prime target to get involved with/ seduce?

 

[Phantonym]

would you say as an INFJ that ppl in need are a prime target to get involved with/ seduce?

For me it's quite the opposite. Sure, I feel bad for people who struggle with something or with themselves but I decided a long time ago that I'm not going to be their crutch. If people want my help, of course I will help them. But when it comes to relationships, targeting only people who are in need is not my thing. People can only really help themselves and not rely on somebody else to help them. Trying to change somebody who doesn't want to change is never going to happen.

Actually, I don't target people at all. I like when things just happen instead of being forced to happen. I have a choice whether to be involved with somebody and if that happens, it happens.

 

[laudanum225]

hmm.. i agree with what you are saying, that ppl only can help themselves n that one should not be the others crutch. especially since i got in (and out of) relationship, I have tried to surround myself with ppl that are extremely well balanced.
I feel so strong empathy to ppl that being too close to someone who is this troubled (as in being romantically involved) destroys all possibility of light and ease. I feel like a sponge soaking up another's bad vibes.

I have noticed that a lot of ppl misunderstood my natural empathic caring for them (i guess the natural interest that I bring to the table) as interest and tried to get involved with me.

agree also that things should just happen so nice, so genuine

 

[Phantonym]

I feel so strong empathy to ppl that being too close to someone who is this troubled (as in being romantically involved) destroys all possibility of light and ease. I feel like a sponge soaking up another's bad vibes.

Oh yes, I am very familiar with this as well I try to fight it but I guess it's in my nature. I often get an almost unstoppable urge to just hug a person who I see is feeling really down (I don't actually hug people, I try to avoid it like it's the plague). Sort of taking on to myself some of their worries. Maybe then they'll feel a bit better. While still knowing that it won't actually help. It's just a feeling I cannot escape.

So, I hear you, fellow sponge!

 

[mwv6r]

....the act wears thin sooner than later and i either go back to being a hermit or get into some relationship where i am taken for granted for a while.

i just recently got out of a bad bad relationship. i must say, with elevated intuition levels it is quite mysterious how i could even get into something like this. :O
but then again, i find myself always very much attracted to unstable, unbalanced ppl that obviously need help... i guess its a helper-syndrom disguised as romantic attraction.

I feel you guys, I've had my share of bad relationships, situations where my friends were like what-are-you-thinking and even I was like what-am-I-thinking, but at the time I was too enmeshed and felt too emotionally vulnerable to extricate myself when I should have. One in particular where the guy was emotionally abusive. (That's the one where I felt liberated and played the field afterwards.)

But you live and learn. I learned a lot from each relationship I've had, and in the case of Mr. Emotionally Abusive (in retrospect I think he was a very unhealthy, depressed ISTP... not saying all ISTPs are like that of course), ever since I've been able to spot emotionally-abusive guys a mile away, even when they're in their Knight-in-Shining-Armor disguise (which is a suit many of them wear during courting... then the other person gets taken in and when they go Dr. Jekyll on you you're like, "it must be something I did because they didn't used to be like this"). Anyway, since then I've found that dating very stable, emotionally secure people is the way to go. I would say in general I have my shit together but nonetheless I've learned to accept that I'm a very sensitive, emotional person who does best when I have a stable "rock" in a romantic relationship. I read on some website that INFJs "yearn for a stabilizing relationship," I dunno about others but that is 100% true of me.

 

[the state i am in]

Is it really that unusual for INFJs to engage in meaningless sex at some point in their lives?

the question itself is flawed. whereas isj types are fact-checkers, inj types are context checkers. we see the connections between everything. this is where we feel most at home, within the world of Ni.

so it's not some gooey spiritual bullshit when i say this, but everything is meaningful. not profound or beautiful, but composed of millions and millions of tiny connections between things that allows us to turn a situation over like a snow globe or a rubix cube. we see how the situation is constructed, but could be constructed otherwise. when we are F types, we are especially sensitive to seeing how we fit into the situation, what it tells us about ourselves, how our desires reflect who we are and what we stand for.

we can explore something intellectually, consider a new premise for thought, and be energized by thought to enter something in a very exploratory mindset. for me as an infj, this is always checked reaaaaallll fast by Fe, by doing damage to myself or others, the self of myself or the self of others. violence, not treating people as objects, meeting them on a self-to-self level or spending my time elsewhere. bc ultimately with Ni that's who i am. quality time engaging and engrossing and relating/sharing.

even in the most pornographic stick-figure fantasies and the people you pass in the street, it always starts to become something more. or it is just so difficult to block out the more more more that everything is made up of and just get to an irreducible hollowed out place from which you can focus all your energies on your inferior function and your inferior function alone.

the inferior Se makes us want to fuck and seduce and be seduced. goddamn wandering eyes. and consider teh premise of would it be ok, how would it work, should or shouldn't. but the stark reality for me is that such a process breaks down somewhat quickly, my own standards for context-passing, and self-relating are too much for me to be able to fuck a random stranger, or someone like a rat held by its tail at an arm's length distance.