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[INFJ] INFJs, I need some input

Undeadtom

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INFJs, I've hurt (emotionally) and upset my INFJ woman. I just need some input on how you deal with people who have done anything similar to you.

Thanks in advance,

Undeadtom
 

Lauren Ashley

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INFJs, I've hurt (emotionally) and upset my INFJ woman. I just need some input on how you deal with people who have done anything similar to you.

Napalm!

Just kidding. But what's the rest of the story? How did you make her upset?
 

Udog

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Say you are sorry, then try to bribe her with ice cream. Better yet, bake her a cake.
 

Eiddy

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If it was my INFJ mom, well saying sorry and leaving her alone for awhile. She usually comes around when she is ready or explain to her your perspective; although, when I have done that it seemed to upset her more.

Ice cream :yes: with cake :yes: :yes:
 

Lauren Ashley

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Say you are sorry, then try to bribe her with ice cream. Better yet, bake her a cake.

Even better than that -- ice cream cake. No INFJ can stay upset with their tummy full of ice cream cake.
 

iwakar

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Even better than that -- ice cream cake. No INFJ can stay upset with their tummy full of ice cream cake.

OMG I HEART ICE CREAM CAKE! HOW DID YOU KNOW?... Oh yeah. Nevermind.
 

Udog

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Even better than that -- ice cream cake. No INFJ can stay upset with their tummy full of ice cream cake.

Oh wow. I would feel almost guilty pulling out such an effective bribe, though. I mean, surely I wouldn't want to impose on her free will, would I?

Would I?

Oh, screw it. Thanks for the info! :D
 

Undeadtom

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Napalm!

Just kidding. But what's the rest of the story? How did you make her upset?

It's a long story...

I was going to take her to my cousin's wedding reception, show her off, be proud of her (she likes that sort of stuff). I ended up angering myself (mistakes that were entirely my fault, that got me heated for some reason) and when I'm angry I shut myself off from people. So we had a 5 minute car ride to my house, she tried to get some lighthearted conversation going, I was stone.

When I tried to talk to her at my house, she had shut herself up. On the way to the reception I was playing some Thrash metal (She hates the stuff, but I love it and find it to be a great way to get my aggression out). No conversation for the majority of the car ride. 10 minutes before we get there, the album starts repeating, so I cut it off and start trying to talk.

We pull in to the place and she starts crying (later telling me it was at not being able to escape the horrible situation about to occur). I try to talk to her a little bit before we make it near my relatives. No dice. So now we're both depressed. Now I'm definitely not Mr. People-person that I usually am.

My mother has me introduce her, I walk her to the front of the table and say "This is rachel" and walk 5 feet and sit in a chair. She was left up there with my mother. She also seemed upset that I didn't talk to anyone other than my mom, my other cousin (not the married one), my uncle, my father, and her. Fair enough.

Right before the cake, as they were cutting it, we got into a small argument about moses in art (the bit about the mistranslation so some representations of him have horns). I got real pissed off because she basically told me point blank that I was wrong about something I know (I even went back and checked, just in case I was some uneducated asshole).

Forward to the Wednesday after... I ask her to walk so we can talk about that Saturday's events. So I can try to correct them. Things went well, I thought, we even ended up making out a little in her driveway as we stargazed.

Then Friday we go bike riding, have a good time. I made one mistake in conversation that upset her a bit, but that was quickly fixed after we had a discussion. So here I figured that I understood how to act when we need to problem solve.

WRONG!

Sunday, I wanted to go to her church with her to spend more time with her, even though I'm not religious, and have a bit of a disgust for modern christianity. Terrible idea. She's more interested in God, and I should have expected that. But even when we weren't in church, the car ride before, the pizza shop afterwards, I just don't feel the connection to her. Somehow I was able to speak my mind about that to her on the ride home. When we got there, we went a walking to keep the conversation going.

We talked and talked and she seemed more upset by wednesday and friday, because on both those days I didn't seem affected by the event. By the end of the night I was in tears(clearly I was affected). But before she left, she said something which basically meant that this wasn't over. It might just be a waiting game.

There were also lots of excuses provided by me along the way, which did nothing but make things worse.

Now she's very distant, which is killing me. I believe that this is the most depressed I've felt, considering my appetite dropped from 3 large meals with 2 small snacks a day to one medium sized meal a day.
______________

What do you guys think of what I'm doing so far?

I'm planning on buying her a deep red rose, which symbolizes my shame, and a daisy, because they are her favorite (which is cool, because they symbolize purity and innocence, and her name "rachel" means the same).

I'm going to wake her up to those, then make her breakfast. Sitting in the middle of the table will be this old brass Peacock etched vase, with daisies in it, that have been crafted out of construction paper, wooden skewers, and pipe-cleaners.

Then I'm going to leave, and come back at night to take her out for dinner. Then watch "What dreams may come" afterwards. I haven't seen it, but a good friend recommended that we watch it because it's romantic. I've been wanting to watch that with her for a while now, but shit happens... unfortunately.
 

Lauren Ashley

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What do you guys think of what I'm doing so far?
Uhhh...I'm still trying to figure out why she is upset in the first place. I can understand her being a little hurt that you gave her the silent treatment in the car, but the rest seems a bit trivial. And the crying is a little...melodramatic? I don't want to be rude, but why is there so much crying going on? What am I missing here? There has to be more to this.
 

Undeadtom

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Uhhh...I'm still trying to figure out why she is upset in the first place. I can understand her being a little hurt that you gave her the silent treatment in the car, but the rest seems a bit trivial. And the crying is a little...melodramatic? I don't want to be rude, but why is there so much crying going on? What am I missing here? There has to be more to this.

You're probably missing whatever I am missing. One of her defining characteristics is subtlety. As a result I miss a lot of things. I have to be careful waving the "subtlety" thing around though, I ended up using it as an excuse, which sucked when I realized it, but by then it was too late.

Do you guys tend to just stay away from a person for a while until you can come to terms (this sounds like death) with whatever has happened, even if it's after apologies?
 

Lauren Ashley

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Do you guys tend to just stay away from a person for a while until you can come to terms (this sounds like death) with whatever has happened, even if it's after apologies?

Yes. INFJs need downtime to process issues. Lots of it.
 

Athenian200

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What do you guys think of what I'm doing so far?

I'm planning on buying her a deep red rose, which symbolizes my shame, and a daisy, because they are her favorite (which is cool, because they symbolize purity and innocence, and her name "rachel" means the same).

I'm going to wake her up to those, then make her breakfast. Sitting in the middle of the table will be this old brass Peacock etched vase, with daisies in it, that have been crafted out of construction paper, wooden skewers, and pipe-cleaners.

Then I'm going to leave, and come back at night to take her out for dinner. Then watch "What dreams may come" afterwards. I haven't seen it, but a good friend recommended that we watch it because it's romantic. I've been wanting to watch that with her for a while now, but shit happens... unfortunately.

I think that's a very good idea. Sounds like you know what to try, anyway. There's only so much you can do to make up with someone after you've hurt them. An effort is good, but in the end, either they understand and forgive you, or they don't.

She doesn't seem like she'll stay angry about this, from what I can tell. This may not even really be about you... she might very well be angry about something else and it's affecting how she treats and responds to you. When things go wrong in one part of life, people sometimes start seeing problems everywhere.

Yes. INFJs need downtime to process issues. Lots of it.

+1

Agreed.
 

Undeadtom

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Yes. INFJs need downtime to process issues. Lots of it.

If you had to estimate, placing yourself in her position, how much downtime would that be in days/weeks(/months?)?

Thanks for all the input you guys. I'm going to try and incorporate ice cream cake into the game plan.
 

Lauren Ashley

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If you had to estimate, placing yourself in her position, how much downtime would that be in days/weeks(/months?)?

Depends on the severity of the issue. And that I can't tell from what you have given me. However, it doesn't seem she is that deeply affected, just a tad miffed. Based on that, I say give her a few days and then try to explain your behavior and your viewpoint on what has happened. She will appreciate that and I doubt she will be able to stay angry at you when she realizes how affected you have been by it.

I'm going to try and incorporate ice cream cake into the game plan.
:yes:

:D
 

Thalassa

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In this paragraph to me you seem like you get angry and feel inclined to "speak your mind" a lot. She's probably pissed off about that. It's no mystery to me, and I'm an INFP not an INFJ.

I suggest you apologize and humble yourself a bit, which you seem to be doing. Your flower ideas are good.
 

Undeadtom

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Depends on the severity of the issue. And that I can't tell from what you have given me. However, it doesn't seem she is that deeply affected, just a tad miffed. Based on that, I say give her a few days and then try to explain your behavior and your viewpoint on what has happened. She will appreciate that and I doubt she will be able to stay angry at you when she realizes how affected you have been by it.

This has already happened. That's what Sunday was. Now it feels almost as if she doesn't exist other than the few texts exchanged.

But I'm guessing I need to go through with the game plan of waiting, then THE GAME PLAN, then probably more waiting.

I guess that's what friends are for.

Must get back to making those daisies.
 

Lauren Ashley

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This has already happened. That's what Sunday was. Now it feels almost as if she doesn't exist other than the few texts exchanged.

But I'm guessing I need to go through with the game plan of waiting, then THE GAME PLAN, then probably more waiting.

I guess that's what friends are for.

Must get back to making those daisies.

Well then I don't know what to tell you except to wait it out.

Btw, all these flowers and dinners seem just a bit affected to me. Not that she won't appreciate the sentiment, but presenting her with gifts is not going to solve the real problem (whatever that is).
 

wren

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From what you've posted, you sound like you just want whatever bad feelings there were, regardless of reason, to go away. Thus the flowers, dinner, niceties, you've offered, while, in the right direction, imo, miss the boat. She wants to feel understood and if you don't slow down and listen, ask the right questions, get to know yourself and her, she may think you're faking it--you don't really mean you're sorry or want to make things compatible for future interactions with your family or friends.
 

Undeadtom

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From what you've posted, you sound like you just want whatever bad feelings there were, regardless of reason, to go away. Thus the flowers, dinner, niceties, you've offered, while, in the right direction, imo, miss the boat. She wants to feel understood and if you don't slow down and listen, ask the right questions, get to know yourself and her, she may think you're faking it--you don't really mean you're sorry or want to make things compatible for future interactions with your family or friends.

See that's what I'm afraid of. I was trying to figure it all out but my "not understanding" just started hurting her and after her repeatedly telling me "drop it" I finally have.

I think she might just still be hurt by how Wednesday and Friday went, and that I couldn't understand that part was making it worse.

I'm still going through with the plan, but I guess now I need to figure out how to make sure my actions aren't misinterpreted.

I'm also willing to admit the possibility of me misinterpreting myself. Wouldn't be the first time.

Time to re-read some emails.
 
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