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[NF] Getting "lost" in other people's eyes ...

PeaceBaby

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I have (what I consider) a weird question today:

NF's, do you feel like you can get "lost" looking in other people's eyes? When I am speaking to someone, I tend to hold a very direct gaze. I sense information coming in from not only the other person's eyes, but also I receive a range of emotional information from body language etc.

Sometimes, I feel like I am so ... engaged in the process I startle myself because all of a sudden I feel like I have fallen into the well of this other person and the boundaries of me don't seem as clearly defined. Then, being startled, I pull back and detach eye contact for a sec to regain my sense of self. It's like someone pushing your head underwater and you just want to get back up out of the deep and breathe some air.

It generally happens only to people I don't have a close relationship with, or when I have to make a great deal of what I would consider "small talk". There's a sense of being "trapped" in this person.

Thoughts? I feel a little odd throwing this out there, but am wondering how you feel about eye contact in conversations too - fellow INFP's, do you tend to make more or less eye contact with others?
 
P

Phantonym

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There's nothing odd for me about this. I can definitely relate to that. Seeing a person's eyes during the conversation is very important to me because I do "get" more information that way somehow. And body language is a big part of it as well.

I'm also familiar with the "gaze" and the sudden pulling back from eye contact. It's like you're getting way too much from the person than you're ready to handle at that point.

For me, it does happen when talking to people I'm less familiar with. It is about getting the overall image of the person rather than mere words, getting to know the person behind the words.

It's more about getting lost in the moment and your own thoughts that surface when looking to people's eyes.

This also causes discomfort in other people, so I consciously try to avoid being too intense about it.
 

Lady_X

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i always look into people's eyes when i talk to them...never feel i need to look away and never feel like it's too much but i do feel like i feel their emotions through them...yeah...it's not a lost or scary feeling though.
 

PeaceBaby

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^ I think at this point in my life I am working on boundaries. Sometimes I just get so much input from someone else, it's like I can't process it all without re-establishing my feet on the ground somehow ... and I don't want to feel lost in it, I still want to feel my own identity strongly while getting to know them.
 

Scott N Denver

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I've gone various ways on this. I can totally detach and look away from someone while listening to them, but instead of this being a way of ignoring them its actually the way I can best "follow" what they are saying and I can think the deepest while doing this. So if someone has a problem and whats input/insight that way works best for me. If someone wants me to listen while they vent I'll look at them and nod occasionally while listening. I'll probably look into their eyes at first and then realize that's too intense for what they want and back off from that. Often I look straight into people's eyes when we are talking back and forth. I can also look over someone's shoulders and that works quite well for me. When I was a kid and around the military I was told that people usually like to have someone look into their eyes while talking, but if looking into someone's eyes makes you uncomfortable try looking 1) between their eyes, or 2) at the tip of their nose. Most people can't tell the difference. I'd advise trying those last two things.
 

Scott N Denver

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When I was younger people were sometimes bothered that I wasn't looking into their eyes, but usually could tell I was genuinely listening anyways. Later in life I've had sorts the opposite problem where I look at people and its way too intense for them. Other people I know [cough school and work cough] seem way more intense than me in this regard though. One of my martial arts instructors a few years back told me that in my martial arts training: "before you'd deal with attacks by evading and waiting and responding when there was an appropriate opening, now its like every situation you deal with by wanting to immediately aggressively destroy it, and even when you are evading and waiting its like your still wanting to immediately aggressively destroy it." Part of that was probably my intention for training, ie exercise and fun vs "what if I need to use this in a really bad situation where making a mistake=bad=people get hurt or killed", but still...

I think eye contact is kinda a touchy subject, too little seems to mean one thing to people, too much seems to mean something else.

Sometimes I feel people's pain and self-perceived-lackings more when looking in their eyes, but often I can sense things like that in their voice and/or body language too.
 

sculpting

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i dont actually make much eye contact at all-or rather I make flickers of eye contact.

When I first came here someone pointed out this was an Fi thing so I began paying attention.

I flick back and forth when listening to them, especially if they are staring very directly at me.

When Te kicks in I have the most eagle eye piercing look ever. It scares people. It scares ENTJ generals-seriously it would make him nervous as he knew something was very wrong.

Nowdays I practice a pointed Ti gaze when conversing with folks, but it is odd as I dont do Ti this way normally. If I am really doing Ti I cant look at people, I have to sort of look of to the side.


Getting lost in other's eyes? Only once. RUN!
 

Scott N Denver

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It scares ENTJ generals-seriously it would make him nervous as he knew something was very wrong.

I made an ISTJ colonel former fighter-pilot flinch and he might have even recoiled slightly too. And I really liked and respected the guy too! :cry:


I don't think it was the point of this thread, but I'm waiting for someone to respond with something along the lines of "YES!, and we've made babies together."
 

PeaceBaby

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:cheese:

LOL, yes, I wasn't really thinking of the amorous gaze context for this question.

Well done though!
 

amelie

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That's funny - I never imagined that to be a personality thing. I can relate - there are times when I actually have to think about breaking eye contact consciously to avoid appearing too intense.
 

rainoneventide

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I definitely have that feeling as well, especially during small talk because it feels so... trivial, so I'm listening, but the words or subject are unimportant, just the person.

When I talk to people for a long length of time, it's hard for me to keep eye-contact; it distracts me from gathering my thoughts (and it's hard for me to verbalize my thoughts to begin with). But I'll glance at them every once in a while so they know that I value their attention. When I listen to people, I try to maintain eye-contact. If you're looking at something else while they're talking, it'll seem like you're not interested (and I usually am interested).

I always worry that I look really intense when I'm keeping eye-contact as well, but people often look away while they're talking too, so no worries. That's why I always prefer talking to people while we're walking or something, it's a ton easier.

I was reading those posts above--I don't mind intense gazes. I guess because I don't have to worry about looking intense while they talk.

Maybe a way to soften the intensity is to nod and react while they're speaking; I usually say something like "hmmm" or "really?" and etc. etc. I know that I feel 293847234 times more at ease when someone's not staring at me silently while I speak.
 

Charmed Justice

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I have (what I consider) a weird question today:

NF's, do you feel like you can get "lost" looking in other people's eyes? When I am speaking to someone, I tend to hold a very direct gaze. I sense information coming in from not only the other person's eyes, but also I receive a range of emotional information from body language etc.

I remember there being times when I was younger that I couldn't continue looking into someone's eyes without blinking frequently or rubbing my eyes because it was almost like sensory overload. It was almost someone who I didn't know well. As an adult, I have felt capable of knowing what someone is thinking by looking into their eyes, if it it contradicts what they are saying.
 

BlackCat

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For me personally I get lost in someone's eyes if I am very interested in what they are talking about or in the conversation. Then the conversation keeps flowing and the time flies... It's great. :cool:
 
V

violaine

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When I was younger I couldn't look many people in the eye. It felt like being sliced through with a laser. Now I have to remind myself to look away when I am engrossed in conversation as I find myself searching someone's eyes and meeting someone's gaze in a very serious way. It feels intimate and a way to know and be known without words in serious conversation. I also tend to stare at a person's mouth while they are speaking and have to make sure I don't do too much of that as well.
 

jenocyde

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[YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONepFcRGkHE"]couldn't help myself, sorry![/YOUTUBE]
 
V

violaine

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^Lol, bleh bleh! I could only watch one minute. I hope this song doesn't haunt the next few years of my serious conversations!
 

BlueScreen

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i dont actually make much eye contact at all-or rather I make flickers of eye contact.

When I first came here someone pointed out this was an Fi thing so I began paying attention.

I flick back and forth when listening to them, especially if they are staring very directly at me.

When Te kicks in I have the most eagle eye piercing look ever. It scares people. It scares ENTJ generals-seriously it would make him nervous as he knew something was very wrong.

Nowdays I practice a pointed Ti gaze when conversing with folks, but it is odd as I dont do Ti this way normally. If I am really doing Ti I cant look at people, I have to sort of look of to the side.


Getting lost in other's eyes? Only once. RUN!

I do the same. I think it's because I don't want to make them uncomfortable, and I see a lot in a quick glance. Plus there is everything else in the scene to absorb.
 

CzeCze

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Hmmm, I only do this with people I feel very, very um..."close" with. No, that's not true. Not close. I have experienced this with people I was romantically involved with? Because that's the only time I've found where two people willingly and/or unconsciously open themselves up so to that degree and depth and way and "gaze into each others eyes, etc." I know, I almost made myself gag, too.

*edit* You can definitely look at people straight in the eye and keep it strictly business! I agree, *seeing* people people by direct eye contact can be alarming, but we all come up with social masks and whatnot to function in society and being able to look at people and hold their gaze is one of them. I am okay to pretty okay at looking people in the eye and giving nothing/receiving nothing. Or pretending I am receiving nothing.
 

/DG/

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Is that you NF's that do that? :tongue: It gets really awkward if you do that to me. I'm not that great with eye contact. :/
 
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