[ENFP] INFJ adult handling ENFP teenager

[Immaculate Cloud]

How do you make him accountable? On time? Focused and not running after butterflies like that? Feel less a sense of entitlement? Less obsessed with his own navel?

This INFJ is getting old and less likely to tolerate fickleness from anybody, be it from chatty charming ENFPs...

So far I have been blunt and got sheepish grins in return for my blunt, tough care approach. But I want to make sure that I am not doing something wrong, not bruising some sensitive spirit here.

 

[Amargith]

Show that you're disappointed in him when he messes up and praise him when he gets it right. Be consistent. Take away something he looks forward to (a party, a certain hobby), if he screws up. Don't stay mad. Show him that you still love him, despite the fact that you punished him. Only guilttrip to keep him in line, don't stay spiteful. And realize that he's not doing this to taunt you. Quite the opposite probably

Also realize that some things he will never learn. Being on time is hard for us. I for one don't have a concept of time, as I'm never present in this world almost. Focus is acquired in bursts. Short attention spam is part of our make-up unfortunately, unless it's something incredibly interesting, then we're obsessive almost, to then throw it all out after 3 weeks and start right over after a month. Doesn't mean you shouldn't still make these things part of the rules though. But see if his way, no matter how funky to you, gets the results you want. And if so, let him keep his method (I drove my mother mad with the way I studied for instance). Also make sure he's very clear on what the rules are. Also very important, at least, it was in my case, is explaining why you don't want me to do something. Don't pull rank on me, but make me understand. My mom always said she 'spent a lot of saliva' on me, talking and convincing me

I never felt entitled, on the contrary. But I did feel suffocated by a world that didn't understand me. Self-reflection, including navel-studies are very important to us

My mother taught me this way, and I couldn't have wished for a better parent. But however perfect a mom she was, she was never able to teach me not to procrastinate, get up on time, fit in, or make me present in this world. It frustrated her to no end (she was an S though). I was on time, only because I knew she'd pick me up after a party and I didn't want her to worry, and because I knew that otherwise she'd take away my privileges.

The thing that always kept me most in line was knowing that I'd hurt her, or disappoint her as I cared deeply for her. We live to please. Just accept us for who we are

/end mushy rant

 

[Lauren Ashley]

How do you make him accountable? On time? Focused and not running after butterflies like that? Feel less a sense of entitlement? Less obsessed with his own navel?

I would suggest helping him to understand why being accountability is important in the first place; at this stage, he would still be working on developing his Fi. At the same time, I wouldn't force him to follow a strict and regimented schedule. He needs to have freedom to do his own thing, while still being held up to his promises and responsibilities. I've seen numerous times that trying to force an ENFP to do something works for about 2.5 seconds before they either forget or rebel and go back to their own ways. But if you make him understand why follow-through and focus are traits that he should work to cultivate, he may listen.

All this is assuming you haven't already tried the above. In which case, go for the guilt as Amargith suggested

 

[Amargith]

Yeah, careful on the guilt button though, overuse leads to rebellion
It's just that, if something isn't important to us, it can be, to certain extent, made important by telling us that it would please you and why. This however doens't work on things that need to be done daily, frequently or are very much details.

 

[sculpting]

show him how his actions hurt others-by being late explain the discomfort it resuults in for those around him. Emphasizing the discomfort he causes in others will feel like guilt to him, and he may be surly, but later when alone, he will reflect and understand.

Dont expect miracles of cleanliness or organization. Just give up now.

Teach life skills like prioritization, making lists, balancing financies (use some examples).

Feel free to call him on his Ne bullshit. My INFJs are the BEST at that. Do it gently though with thought.

Ne loves to rebel and change things. Give him projects where he can do that. Make sure when he tries to "change" something else, point out the discomfort he cased to others in doing so-such as coming home late for a curfew. He may have felt the rule was arbitrary, and have nine yards of Ne BS to back it up, however then just say observe the worry and discomfort you made others feel.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

Dont expect miracles of cleanliness or organization. Just give up now.

Good advice. +1.

 

[Lady_X]

my mom is an infj....i still feel bad for the way i behaved as a teenager...poor mom...i should call her...

 

[Immaculate Cloud]

Do you all ENFP's overpromise and underdeliver? Because this teenager does that. He seeks to please and will VOLUNTEER to do things and then when the time comes, it has not been done, there was something else that came up, etc, etc. There is always a valid excuse. Is that what Ne-Monster calls 'Ne BS'??

Please explain Ne-BS if it is not that.

Thx.

 

[Lady_X]

i don't do that...i might occasionally forget to do something i said i would but not because i overextended myself...i just forget sometimes...not that often though.

 

[Amargith]

When it's daily chores, hell yes. It doesn't mean he won't do it though..just means that eum...well we don't do deadlines? And you might occasoinally have to non-judgementally nudge him on what he promised coz he could have forgotten. Also, give him a good reason to finish it. 'Don't forget you were going to take care of [insert chore], coz I kinda afterwards need to [insert reason why chore needs to be done]'. It's silly , but it helps

And yes, I for one rule at excuses. I graduated cum laude. Doesn't mean they're not true..but still... Dunno if this is an ENFP thing though.

 

[kiddykat]

How?? Duuude, when I was a teen, boy was I one stubborn girl.

Best thing my mama ever did was to send me to a 3rd world country.

I saw reality for what it was, and it woke me up inside. Since then, I realize that there are more important things in life, and it was a 'Reality' check so-to-speak.

Perhaps you can show the ENFP teen how lucky he/she is? Then they will slowly change/make improvements? What also helps is to be honest in a calm, constructive way.

 

[Lady_X]

great advice viv.

 

[Tiny Army]

I was an awful teenager. My INFJ aunt was much better ta getting through to me than my ENFJ mother, however my mother did have a way of dealing with my consistent failure to keep my promises. She once said that clearly I didn't care enough about her to keep my promises to her and called up examples where I was promised something by someone who had failed to deliver. Linking her emotions to emotions I had had in the past really helped me be better about the follow through.

Also reasons reasons reasons. Ne-Fi needs to be able to justify doing things before they can be done. I've been trying this with my INFP boyfriend ("Make sure you do the dishes by the time I get home today because if the pots and pans aren't clean I will be too tired to cook a late dinner by the time I am done washing them and we will have to eat pizza hut again.")

 

[Moiety]

I was way peaceful as a teen. Actually a bit less so, now that I'm in my early twenties. 5 Js at home. A man can only take so much pettiness...for so long

 

[kyuuei]

Lobotomy. Or what Amargith said.

 

[Ozz]

Lobotomy. <snip />

Now now, before pulling out the psycho surgeries, we should consider less invasive alternatives such as the wide range of psychoactive drugs on the market.

 

[Xellotath]

Highly doubt your teen has developed Te, which would be great for organization and prioritizing. Enfps take awhile to get there...I'm 24, conscious of typological processes and it is still difficult to do. I've met 40+ year old ENFPs who never developed it.
My suggestion is to find a way to exploit Fi, which is the driving engine.

Could be difficult to do since you're an INFJ..

At 15 I was a bit of a monster, I was very passionate and idealistic .. all social conventions had to be overthrown! Religion, culture, family, school, rules, curfews,... you name it. If there was a rule of any kind ..I was against it because it appeared "phony" to me and therefore none of those things were ever worth fully investing energy into... even if it resulted in putting me at an academic or social disadvantage.

My value-oriented crusade used to mean the world to me...