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[NF] I think I am a mentally unstable iNFp

sabastious

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I'm not sure what I have as far as a disorder. Some DR's have said I have PTSD from childhood trauma, some have said I am Bi Polar 2, some say I have both, some say I don't have a disorder at all.

Regardless of what is biologically true, there is one thing I do know, I am one messed up NF. I'm going through some serious family issues right now as well as friend issues and I am not handeling them very well.

Let me paint a picture of what goes on in my head:

Everybody I meet goes into an archive in my brain. You are categorized by and measured on what I think the perfect person is, and how you compare to these set of attributes:

A general love for our human race
A genuine want to progress as a species
A non-egoic love for youself
You don't, or try not to, participate in other peoples "games"
You take responsability for your part of any situation, no more no less
Humor is an important part of life for you, but you don't regard yours to be the only humor that is valid
You value the life of any intellegent species
You are never "Right", but sometimes you are correct
You stand up for what you believe in
You put heavy personal weight in correcting yourself when proven otherwise

This is probably not a full list. But as you can see, not too many people's personalities hit this list pretty hard. But here's where my disfunction starts to creep in.

Every person that affects my life in a positive or negative way, there face is stored in my brain. After I make some sort of life mistake, these faces come at me like a freight train, extremely fast in large numbers.

Everyone I have ever known that has had an impact on my life is now in my mind, talking. I can't really hear what they are saying, but I can feel the emotions behind the words. So many people, so many emotions.

The faces represent things. Like a guy named Chuck I know. He represents Skill and Prowess. My uncle Dan seems to represent Spirituallity. My mother in law Barbara, her face represents Blind Faith.

They are all talking at the same time and I feel all their emotions. I just spent the last hour sobbing on my bed trying to get through these emotional "episodes." They are always onset by an event, usually some sort of failing on my part. The event triggers the dominos and the episode starts.

I am feeling better now. Whatever happens to me has passed. My wife told me if she didn't know better she would have thought I had just lost a loved on in death. It is so intense.

I think the NF in me coupled with some sort of mental issue is creating the episodes. What I wanted to know is if anyone has ever had similar experiences? I have these episodes about 2-3 times a month, but maybe 10 times a month counting the less intense ones.
 

mortabunt

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Damn, you sound like you're having a tough time. dowload ventrillo, then go to the chat thread on this site and follow the steps there, then connect to chat. Get amargith into private chat, then explain yourself. She should understand. Best wishes towards your future.
 

sabastious

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Damn, you sound like you're having a tough time. dowload ventrillo, then go to the chat thread on this site and follow the steps there, then connect to chat. Get amargith into private chat, then explain yourself. She should understand. Best wishes towards your future.

I'm a bit too shy to do something like that right now :(
 

BlackCat

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That sounds really bad... Have you considered therapy? I don't think what you're looking for can really be found on here... We can't help with PTSD or a BiPolar disorder. However you might get some intelligent opinions.

So what do you want to do to solve this problem? How would it improve your life? Make an action plan for yourself. Tell us more and answer these questions. We know what the issue is (from your OP), but I'd say we need some questions from you to answer (that may help you, to get some input).
 

sabastious

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That sounds really bad... Have you considered therapy? I don't think what you're looking for can really be found on here... We can't help with PTSD or a BiPolar disorder. However you might get some intelligent opinions.

So what do you want to do to solve this problem? How would it improve your life? Make an action plan for yourself. Tell us more and answer these questions. We know what the issue is (from your OP), but I'd say we need some questions from you to answer (that may help you, to get some input).

I goto about 2 hours a week of therapy with a PhD Psychologist. He's very good and helps me emmensely.

How do I want to solve this problem? Well I gotta figure out what the real problem is first. Is it because of a chemical imbalance in my brain heighting my negative experiences and onsetting these "episodes." Or is it just me allowing myself to get worked up into a frenzy and there is no real disorder behind it?

I want to improve my life by trying to model it after that list I gave in the OP. But that is making me run into some walls. I piss a lot of peopel off because I follow that code. People think I am pretentious and condescending. When in reality, I just want to be. I want to live my life and I dont want to threaten others or be threatened by other peopels ideas. It's a delicate balance. Trying to hold to your value system while not stepping on the toes of others. I have been doing these things to the best of my abilities. But these horrible mental attacks come out of no where and without remorse.

Do I have control over these attacks? Can I stop them before they happen, can I fight them while they are attacking? I don't know. So far they win in the short term. They bring me to my knees in tears begging for mercy in the moment, but it always passes.
 

MonkeyGrass

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I've had episodes like that when I'm experiencing chemical/hormonal imbalance. (for me pregnancy and season changes do it) My usual NF characteristics become huge, and not always accurate. I think, if I were you, I'd go be evaluated for some cyclical disorder, and see if I could find some meds to help regain balance. **hugs**
 

Wiley45

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They are all talking at the same time and I feel all their emotions. I just spent the last hour sobbing on my bed trying to get through these emotional "episodes." They are always onset by an event, usually some sort of failing on my part. The event triggers the dominos and the episode starts.

Have you spoken with your therapist about what triggers these episodes? I'm not an expert but I just want to add that it might be worth discussing (with your therapist) if there are issues of guilt involved, or unrealistic expectations of having to please other people, to the point where it's stressful and overwhelming. We have similar backgrounds and similar personalities, and I have dealt with strange emotional experiences in times of great personal stress. A lot of it stemmed from guilt and trying to please people while overlooking my own health and growth. (For example, you say that people think you're pretentious and condescending. When you're misunderstood, do you feel emotionally overwhelmed, or like you've failed?)

Just something to consider as you try to figure out what's going on. My advice is to definitely discuss with your therapist, if you haven't already! :hug: Best wishes.
 

Lady_X

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interesting...so these attacks feel as if they're coming from these people in your life...what they have said or what they would say about things going on currently...or just things from the past?

it sounds like you have extremely high standards of behavior for yourself as well as others and trying to live up to it is crippling you...because i think it's typical for someone with high fi to judge things based on what feels "right" to them but there needs to be room for mistakes and learning...on your part as well as the acceptance of others...nobody in this world does everything right all the time...we all screw up and learn our way...nobody has the right imagined or real to make you feel bad for not doing everything perfectly...all you can do is know who you are...who you want to be...and try every day to do that....you control you ya know...no one else deserves that power so take it back.

maybe i'm rambling...i do that...but...just let go of all that...:hug:
 

Thalassa

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I think you might have bipolar disorder, but I'm not a licenced psychiatrist, of course.

In any event, I really think you need professional help, and I say that kindly, as I have psychological issues of my own.

Please try to reach out to others until you can see a therapist or doctor. You don't have to go through this alone. Don't punish yourself, even if you feel bad about yourself right now. I know that's easier said then done, but shutting yourself off too much could possibly make your head issues more intense and painful.
 

Lady_X

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bipolar is extreme highs and lows though right? do you have highs? or am i thinking of manic depressive?
 

Thalassa

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bipolar is extreme highs and lows though right? do you have highs? or am i thinking of manic depressive?

bipolar disorder is manic depressive, and there are different types. people with bipolar 2 (as mentioned in the OP) don't actually ever become completely manic. they can have a couple of hypomanic episodes where they appear extremely social or more energetic than normal, but hypomania is frequently ignored as it rarely causes the problems of full blown mania.

a person with bipolar disorder can also have something called "mixed episodes" where they are extremely depressed, but it can be a very high-strung screaming, sobbing depression, or have other forms of mania mixed with depression.

hypomania,mania, and mixed episodes can include racing thoughts, which is what sabasitious may be experiencing at the moment in the form of all of these people coming in at once with overwhelming emotions. sebastious also mentioned having several "episodes" a month - bipolar disorder can be intensely episodic and easily triggered when untreated

As I said, I am not a licenced psychitrist, but this very well could be bipolar disorder. Or maybe not, which is why I suggested professional evaluation.
 

Wiley45

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Ehh, bipolar is tricky. From what I understand, "highs" can also be periods of extreme agitation, or you can have times when you feel both high and low at the same time. There are also some people who have long periods of highs and lows and others who have rapid cycling. The variations make the whole thing really complicated to assess without professional assistance, in my opinion. Even professionals misdiagnose people sometimes. Ack.

What about meds? If a professional diagnosed you with bipolar 2, did you try the meds to see if they helped?

Edit: Marmalade.sunrise, we must have posted at the same time. :) Sorry about the repeated info.
 

sabastious

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bipolar is extreme highs and lows though right? do you have highs? or am i thinking of manic depressive?

Bi Polar 2 is more depresseive than manic. But I definitly have my manic sides. Where I can't stop laughing, or in situations blurt out every funny observation I have. It's more hyopmania than mania. I think i am bi polar also.

To give some backstory I was formally diagnosed BPD2 4.5 years ago. I had been taking meds for the first 4 years after the diagnosis, all to no avail and the side affects were crippelling.

It is HARD to find a doctor that can spend some time with you if you don't have good, or any, insurance.
 

Wiley45

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If the meds aren't helping, it's definitely worth pounding their doors down to see what else they can do for you. Have you talked to them about switching medications or re-evaluating since your original diagnosis?

Also ... I'm just throwing this out there, but you may be experiencing a really emotionally crippling and difficult period in your life that might have nothing to do with mental disorders. I know it's hard to tell, and that's what you're working through, but one of the things you might discuss with your therapist is strategies for mentally getting yourself through/past these triggering episodes. I've had a lot of success with breathing techniques, visualization, etc. I know it sounds weird, but it might be worth seeing if something like that can help in a way that medication might not.
 

Lady_X

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oh okay than disregard my initial drivel...if you indeed have a hormonal imbalance then it sounds like you just need to try and find some state help if necessary to get the right medication. i'm so sorry you're having a hard time. :(
 
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