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  1. #1
    Senior Member Cypocalypse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008

    Default I seem to be attracted to this ENFJ girl and...

    Well, this is basically an INTP guy here, and I don't wanna turn this thread into another INTP guy loves ENFX thread, so I'd change things a bit.

    In reality, I'm not really a hardcore INTP and over the years, I've learned to tone down my Ti, especially in social situations, and try to explore my other cognitive processes I perceive to be strong, i.e., my Ne and Fi, so these days, I'm more like xNxP.

    I'm in a good relationship with my ISFJ girlfriend.

    Something interests me with a certain girl pal that I have. Recently, she just told me that she's an ENFJ. She took a certain MBTI test of some sort, but she's not interested enough with MBTI principles as a whole so she didn't take it seriously.

    For the longest time, I thought she's a blossoming ENFP in her early 20s (I'm 27, BTW). Most ENFPs I know are highly spiritual folks that are much older than me so, and with that age discrepancy, I can't possibly say for certain how a young ENFPs in her 20s would behave based on what I can deduce from the older folks that I know.

    Anyway, it turns out she's an ENFJ after-all so I guess I was a bit off with my judgment, though not by much.

    Sad to say, the archetypal ENFJs stated on the web (Obama for example) are too old for me to make a comparison with this friend. Archetype may be the same, but age do certainly create variations in personality and outlook.


    The reason why I fancy this ENFJ girl so much is that, whatever is lacking in my INTP-ISFJ relationship, this girl has everything to fill up the void. Not that I'm necessarily implying that she'd make a better girlfriend or what. She's like...the other side of the coin.

    She's one of my closest friends. There are occasional instances of mild flirting, nothing of which I'd expect later to get overblown. First of all, cheating isn't that much of an NTP thing. Also, I don't think I'm capable of it. Lastly, the ENFJ girl (like most NFs) value long-term relationships.

    There's one very apparent side of her personality, and I like ENFJs here to share their views on this.

    She's a very attractive extroverted woman, and she's easily able to project an SF mask of some sort.

    Exterior-wise, she looks very SF. Behavior-wise, she's very SF. For quite some time, I was wondering if my senses are fooling me, that she's probably not a strong intuitive as I initially thought.

    But knowing NFs, you guys have subtle ways of connecting to NTPs that we guys easily pick up (kinda like unwritten cues). This girl just does that to me.

    However, when I try to make a conversation with her on a prolonged intuitive level, she just brings out this SF wall, and make the conversation more shallow than what she's capable of interacting with.

    My theory is this. Any prolonged serious, deep conversation would trigger lonely thoughts from her. Based on my observations, she really really gets easily affected by what others say to to her. Probably among the worst case among FEELERS that I know, so as a coping mechanism, she turns the nature of the conversation something more SF in structure, so that nothing gets probed.

    As an NTP though, SF style conversation isn't my forte, and I would wanna ask the ENFJs here if I can have a workaround on this one. What can I do? I noticed that I have a better success rate if we're conversing one on one. But on a group, I might as well forget it.

    Her extroverted personality is stronger than mine, and more often, she gets to have a say on what mood the conversation would have.

    Not that I'm saying that she no longer tries to connect with me using her intuitive side. Sometimes, she does. Like a call for help of some sort. The moment I want to explore things further is the time her SF masks inevitably kicks in.

  2. #2
    Senior Member JivinJeffJones's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007


    Quote Originally Posted by Cypocalypse View Post
    My theory is this. Any prolonged serious, deep conversation would trigger lonely thoughts from her.
    Not a lot to go on, obviously, but I don't think this is the most likely explanation. Off the top of my head, my guesses in order of likelihood:

    1) you're in the friend zone, and she is trying to keep the relationship from straying into deeper waters so you don't get the wrong idea
    2) she has an idea that going "too deep" is self-indulgent and a drag for those around her or unfeminine. ENFJs tend to be very sensitive to the norms and comfort-levels of those around them, and if she has a lot of SF friends then she'll readily adopt their ideas of what is appropriate behaviour/conversation and what isn't
    3) she doesn't trust you enough to let you in for whatever reason
    4) she doesn't feel competent to discuss the things you want to discuss, and fears rejection should she say the wrong thing

    My recommendation would be to ask her directly (though gently) about it. One-on-one, obviously. I wouldn't push it though. Just put it out there for her to think about.

    Of course, I'm not an ENFJ and my experience with the type isn't especially extensive. You may well be right in your theory, or there may be other factors involved. It's possible that she just doesn't find the areas you're interested in very interesting herself, though she may be willing to probe more on other subjects. I dunno.

  3. #3
    my floof is luxury Wind Up Rex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    853 sx/sp


    Before we get started....

    Quote Originally Posted by Cypocalypse View Post
    First of all, cheating isn't that much of an NTP thing.
    :yim_rolling_on_the_ Oh irony.

    Ok, no, seriously though. I'm not an ENFJ, but I've been involved with one or two (consider this full disclosure.)

    Let me throw out a general comment before getting into specifics. You seem kind of ambivalent about what you're doing with this girl. This is a problem. If you are wooing an ENFJ, the first thing to do is to take any sort of unseemly shenanigans out of the interaction or you'll never have a shot. It's one of those things where they might have the occasional dalliance, but you better be as pure as the undriven snow. Not fair, but it's how they seem to operate.

    Second, don't let her get away with the wall. ENFJs are dominant creatures that are used to not only getting their way, but being adored while doing so. If ya'll are relating on some deeper level and she pulls back call her on it. "Hey, I've noticed that you tend to do X whenever we talk about [insert conversation you were having]. Why do you do that?/Why does that seem to make you sad?" Don't do it in a hostile way, of course. What you want is for her to share her feelings so that she feels more comfortable with you and you have the opportunity to gain more insight into how she operates.

    Finally, I think its important to emphasize--especially given that you are an INTp--that you're dealing with someone that you'll "get" without ever really understanding. NFs are like black boxes, and as long as youre content content with appreciating the gestalt of the thing as opposed to the actual nuts and bolts you'll be fine. This is an instance in which your gut is usually correct. So don't overthink it and have fun!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2009


    OP, it seems like you're just friends. DOn't worry about it, NF's are the fanatical friends that can be counted on. (except for immature ENFP's).

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