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[NF] How does unresolved conflict affect you?

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
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May 31, 2009
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14,497
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INFJ
Unresolved conflict is really disconcerting to me, especially if there is no possible outlet to deal with it proactively. It makes me restless and I don't sleep or eat well. I feel physically sick to my stomach and I need to be physically distant for quite awhile to actually detach myself from it. I wonder how it works for other types. Perhaps it is an F thing. Or an NF thing. Or maybe just INFJ.

About the worst thing another person could do is to ignore verbal or written attempts to get enough information to shed light on the problem or to resolve it.
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
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Mar 20, 2009
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7,626
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4w5
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sp/sx
^ I feel the same way. I am dealing with this right now and the inner turmoil is insane. Until it is resolved, I cannot feel relaxed or think of much else. I try and distract myself (online message boards...:D), as that'd the only way I have any peace.

Even after it is over, I will have echoing feelings of anxiety here & there.
 

Wiley45

New member
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Mar 3, 2009
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669
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INFP
If it's really bad, I have a hard time sleeping, eating or breathing normally.
 

ergophobe

Allergic to Mornings
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Apr 26, 2009
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1,210
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ENFP
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7w6
I am o.k. with conflict or disagreement as long as I understand the reasons for it (even a flat, feeling based emotional response is better than no answer). I just want to understand the conflict, with or without resolution. No answers or unsatisfactory answers or dishonest answers (I use Fi to judge sincerity) are the worst. I have to work so hard to detach and repeat to myself, "sometimes there are no answers and no resolution" repeatedly until it begins to sink in and I believe it.

Sometimes, the conflict and the conflicting party are worth a resolution and sometimes they're not. I'd just like all the information possible from both sides to be able to decide.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
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I only worry about it if they are people that are really important to me and are a big part of my world. I know what you're talking about ergophobe. Sometimes I excuse people for some behaviour when the motivating reasons are revealed. Nothing is worse than just not knowing. Or not knowing the real reason.

I do the distraction thing too, sometimes to the point of doing the same 3 or 4 things over and over. I normally like silence and peacefulness, but will find myself going to bed reading a book, with the radio on, something to eat or drink, and the lights on till I'm dead tired, interrupted by checking my two email addresses several times.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
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Nov 5, 2008
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sx/so
Depends on who it is and what the issue is. With my SO I need to sort it out before I go to bed, or I won't sleep. I *need* harmony at home. Others drive me up the wall too, but this especially occurs when I feel that the reason we're in conflict is because we misunderstood one another and we're therefore not talking for silly reasons. If I have been able to explain my disagreement with the person and they got it, and vice versa and they still are in conflict with me, I let go. I am who I am, and I will do a lot for people, but I won't stop being me. I have no problem staying out of that persons way then to minimize aggrevation, but I'm not going to be hung up on their approval.
 

Manimal

New member
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Oct 28, 2008
Messages
60
MBTI Type
INFP
im like this as well. id say my least favorite emotions are definitely stress/anxiety which for me usualy stems from some sort of unresolved conflict or even anticitpation of an upcoming conflict. i don't require a positive resolution to the conflict just anything really, as long as its settled and i know where things stand.
 

Moiety

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Aug 3, 2008
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5,996
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I am o.k. with conflict or disagreement as long as I understand the reasons for it (even a flat, feeling based emotional response is better than no answer). I just want to understand the conflict, with or without resolution. No answers or unsatisfactory answers or dishonest answers (I use Fi to judge sincerity) are the worst. I have to work so hard to detach and repeat to myself, "sometimes there are no answers and no resolution" repeatedly until it begins to sink in and I believe it.

Sometimes, the conflict and the conflicting party are worth a resolution and sometimes they're not. I'd just like all the information possible from both sides to be able to decide.

Completely agreed. That's me too.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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Apr 23, 2007
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sp/sx
I have to remind myself that some people desire the conflict for whatever reason. Some people need to assume the worst in order for their world to make sense to them. Sometimes interacting with people seems like walking around in a mine field. There is so much misapplied anger and confusion. I do my best to resolve conflicts, but some have to be left as they are.

My concern is that it seems like when people are sincere, any conflict can be avoided by being truthful and respectful. Conflict seems to be the product of blind spots in perception and faulty assumptions. Leaving these uncorrected feels emotionally inefficient and like a waste.
 

ENFJ_Catholic

New member
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May 23, 2009
Messages
136
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ENFJ
Unresolved conflict is really disconcerting to me, especially if there is no possible outlet to deal with it proactively. It makes me restless and I don't sleep or eat well. I feel physically sick to my stomach and I need to be physically distant for quite awhile to actually detach myself from it. I wonder how it works for other types. Perhaps it is an F thing. Or an NF thing. Or maybe just INFJ.

About the worst thing another person could do is to ignore verbal or written attempts to get enough information to shed light on the problem or to resolve it.

It bothers the dickens out of me. It must be resolved. I think it's a xNxJ thing. :coffee:
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
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I should clarify that I can get over personal, unresolved conflicts as long as I no longer have to deal with that person much. If it's just a dislike on both sides, then I can ignore it pretty easily. It may bother me at first if I feel a a sense of injustice, but I will calm down quickly. Maybe if I run into them I will feel some discomfort, but otherwise, I cannot control everything, and so I put it out of mind.

However, there are some conflicts that cannot be avoided and must be dealt with head on. Let's say you're going through a divorce (which I am not, haha), then you have to resolve certain things legally. It must be taken care of. During that time when things have yet to be resolved, I can only imagine the anxiety.

I'm in the process of closing some matters and it's a massive headache. I know I will not resolve the personal conflict, and I don't care, but it's just getting to the point where I don't have to deal with this person anymore.
 

kiddykat

movin melodies
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Jul 27, 2008
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1,111
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i dislike unresolved conflicts as well, and try to make peace soon as something starts. I don't like the thought of leaving a problem open/unresolved.. but, I also know that it's about respect.

If the person I'm dealing with flatout doesn't care or respect me for whatever reasons, even if I try to talk it out, if that is how they feel/perceive things, I can't help it but to let it be.

Then there are circumstances in which people are dealing with a lot of emotional pain of their own, and it's best to let them be. Sometimes, if the other person doesn't want closure, then there isn't anything we can do but to let go and wish them the best of luck..

Really depends. Overall, I like to resolve things right then and there, because you never know when it's the last time you'll ever speak to that person again. Life to me is about living, breathing happiness/love with those around me, in order to be content. Sounds emo, but that's how I work. :yes:
 

scortia

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May 23, 2009
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About the worst thing another person could do is to ignore verbal or written attempts to get enough information to shed light on the problem or to resolve it.

THIS! I had a horrible friend that I tolerated for way longer than I should have. When it got to a breaking point, and after I had made small kind nudges about problems numerous times before, I wrote her a huge letter about the problem. She ignored me... after about a week or two I essentially blew up publicly (online since this is a distant friend) to our entire group because she had been a bad friend all around and I couldn't take it anymore. It was just... the sheer selfishness and injustice of the entire situation that ate at me. Better yet, half of my friends sided with her despite her obvious situations where she used people. Really, the fact that this whole situation was so unjust and she didn't get a faceful of karma, that's what bothered me.

I could sleep and things like that, I'm more a fighter than a crier, but my disposition was pretty negative until well over a year later when we finally started to ignore each other completely... FINALLY. It was so spiteful and I never want to have that happen again. I've never had more than 2 falling out moments because I am very tolerant... but there are certain traits in a person that I just can't tolerate. It just hurts my code of ethics.
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
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sx/so
I don't like loose ends. If I need closure about anything, I go and make it happen at the first opportunity. If the other party is not willing to meet me half way in doing so in a polite but assertive matter, that is fine, I will state my case and closing arguments and agree to disagree and move on. If that is as far as I can make it go, then that is OK, I did my part, and I am free of any associated baggage.
 

The Third Rider

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Sep 12, 2007
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It annoys me because I don't know where I stand with the other person and frankly it does not leave my head until it's resolved.
 

Saffronsocks

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Jun 18, 2009
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infj
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Unresolved conflict doesn't bother me all that much... should it? People either like me or they don't.

On the other hand... getting completely cut out of someone's life with no explanation can send me for a bit of a tailspin (I'll avoid sleep, cause that usually just means lying in bed tense as a gopher, just TWITCHING every so often, not fun, haha). But that's only if things have been severed with no chance of communication. If I know I'll have a chance to talk later when things have smoothed over I can generally shrug off conflict.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
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Nope, most specifically I'm talking about the kind of conflict with those who are nearest and dearest to you. How does it impact you, and what do you do when your attempts to improve the situation do not work? And how do you end up reconciling those severed without explanation and no hope of communication situations? I'm interested in the completely different reactions of us to NTs and SJs on this. I started threads in both of their forums too. I didn't for the SP people because I am unlikely to be really close to any SPs at this time and I don't know many well enough to observe it much.

I'm also curious whether each of the NF varieties do anything differently.
 

Saffronsocks

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I guess the only person I get in conflict with regularly who I'd call close and dear is my mother... and then it's usually after a stressful phone conversation, which results in a phone slam, shortness of breath, inability to concentrate and SUDDEN mood nosedive with feelings of guilt, that might not turn around until someone else manages to perk me up with fresh wave of conflict-free communication.

Nonverbal conflict with classmates can just stuff me way further into my shell so I get a little bit bitter and totally removed from the communal reality. Lost in space, a bit, cause at least there nobody's trying to pick me apart. *sigh*

As for reconnecting dropped connections, I've not managed to do this. I reconcile it into my world view by noticing that some people set themselves up for relationships that eventually disintegrate and I don't take it personally. (my own ideal is once a friend, always so, even if we're not in contact, but hey, that's just me)

I also am completely incapable of walking away from a fight.
 

amelie

New member
Joined
May 23, 2009
Messages
110
MBTI Type
XNFJ
When I'm in conflict with someone close to me, it is very disruptive. I feel it physically - I have no energy and I just feel drained all the time. Cognitively, I just can't stop trying to process it and I tend to want to check perceptions with my trusted advisors to make sure that I've done everything possible to resolve the situation, and to help analyze my role in the problem. I need to know that I have done as much as I can not to hurt anyone else, and I need someone else to listen to my take what I think every party's perspective and motivations might be so that I can fully analyze the situation (read: obsess endlessly.) In a major conflict, it can take me literally months of ruminating to resolve it within myself, assuming that it couldn't be resolved with the other person. Emotionally, I just feel sad, anxious, and drained.
 

ring the bell

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Jun 10, 2008
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332
It depends on the person, really. If I don't have a really close connection, sometimes it's a good thing for them to drift on away.. out of sight out of mind. I would try to find some resolve if they wanted it, but I've been in the situation where the person just needed to go, so I let her and found peace in that.

If it's someone I really care about a lot, it might never leave me and I may think of that person every day. I have one guy in particular who still comes to mind. He just shut me out one day after a very intense exchange. I asked if everything was fine, because I thought we had reached some understanding and wanted to make sure it was mutual, but apparently it wasn't. He just never answered any of my texts, calls, emails again. I waited for about 4 monthes after it ended and sent him an email. I never got a response from him, other than a quick "hey what's your number" email reply. I've gone through every emotion I can think of, but I still waiver between anger and desire to see him again. It's sickening to me, actually, to think he still pops into my head. But then, he never gave me that closure I needed to be able to place him firmly in a category. It will always be open ended and I unfortunately can't hate him no matter how much of an asshole he is for shutting me out in such a way.

:ranting::boohoo::BangHead:
 
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