[NF] NFs and unanswered love

[ENFJ_Catholic]

Sometimes I wonder if it's all an illusion, if it's all a rouse. But these tend to be my darker thoughts when I'm alone. ...Typical ENFJ, I know...

I might agree with you, Saint Kar. I think we get warmed up quicker to the idea.

 

[Laurie]

Why would you tell someone you love them if there isnt a relationship there? That seems like a lesson in regret. Do you mean telling someone you have feelings for them? If some random friend told me they loved me I would put them on the "scary" list.

 

[BerberElla]

I've never loved someone from a distance, it takes much more to get me to fall in love, and that would require some kind of relationship.

If we were in a relationship and I felt myself falling in love with the person, then I would tell them.

Even if you change it to lust, I've never lusted after anyone who I couldn't have.

I barely notice people, to get a reaction from me you need to wake me up.

 

[ENFJ_Catholic]

Why would you tell someone you love them if there isnt a relationship there? That seems like a lesson in regret. Do you mean telling someone you have feelings for them? If some random friend told me they loved me I would put them on the "scary" list.

I'm making this distinction as an intimate friendship versus a romantic relationship. There's a difference, folks! :steam:

 

[Laurie]

"I love you" is still a bad way to approach such a situation. People in romantic relationships flip out about the three words if you don't say them at the "right" time or "too early", why would you say them in a intimate friendship?

I have had people do it, I guess. One friend who I was good friends with, slightly flirty, decided he loved me. Started saying it, and I wasn't saying it back. Eventually he got upset I wasnt saying it and terminated the friendship. It was a little bizarre - don't try to force "your love" on me, just grow close to me and develop something. If it never happens it just doesn't.

 

[Queen Kat]

Since when do people decide who they love? That doesn't make any sense! I always fall in love by accident! If I try to fall in love with someone, I never succeed!

 

[ENFJ_Catholic]

"I love you" is still a bad way to approach such a situation. People in romantic relationships flip out about the three words if you don't say them at the "right" time or "too early", why would you say them in a intimate friendship?

I have had people do it, I guess. One friend who I was good friends with, slightly flirty, decided he loved me. Started saying it, and I wasn't saying it back. Eventually he got upset I wasnt saying it and terminated the friendship. It was a little bizarre - don't try to force "your love" on me, just grow close to me and develop something. If it never happens it just doesn't.

Of course one shouldn't force anything on you or anyone else for that matter. Love is meant to be a gift (fully, faithful, fruitful, and free), free of strings or reasons otherwise. When it becomes a mutal gift, that is where the sparks really fly.

Your male friend there handled the situation wrongly. That doesn't invalidate his feelings for you, but in reality his feelings didn't stand the test of time or trial: the unrequited nature of those feelings he had. If he had truly loved you, he would have acknowledged your lack of mutal feelings, moved forward as friends with you, and have gotten over his blinding obession for you. That, and I doubt he "decided" he loved you. That's a bit harsh. Feelings are rarely "decided." Isn't that by definition, right?

And watch how you say "never"...superlatives are hard to prove, even harder to maintain.

 

[BerberElla]

Of course one shouldn't force anything on you or anyone else for that matter. Love is meant to be a gift (fully, faithful, fruitful, and free), free of strings or reasons otherwise. When it becomes a mutal gift, that is where the sparks really fly.

Your male friend there handled the situation wrongly. That doesn't invalidate his feelings for you, but in reality his feelings didn't stand the test of time or trial: the unrequited nature of those feelings he had. If he had truly loved you, he would have acknowledged your lack of mutal feelings, moved forward as friends with you, and have gotten over his blinding obession for you. That, and I doubt he "decided" he loved you. That's a bit harsh. Feelings are rarely "decided." Isn't that by definition, right?

And watch how you say "never"...superlatives are hard to prove, even harder to maintain.

Don't get hung up on the use of the word "decided"... a person can fall in love, notice their feelings, sit down and assess those feelings, and decide that those feelings are love.

I read her post to mean it that way.

 

[ENFJ_Catholic]

I think sometimes that's not the case. She's using a set of superlatives that just doesn't fit.

 

[kiddykat]

This is a really good question.. Because to me, it's the intent behind every action that speaks volumes about how people care for one another.. "I Love You" is just sugar-coat, icing on the cake, for me. I've always been like that even as a kid- because words are just words. Talk is talk.

A true test for love is when people stick together through thick and thin, and in the end, look at one another with regard, respect.. in a way that they know they cherish one another through unspoken words.

I've been in relationships where guys will constantly say, "I Love You. I Love You. Babe. I Love You." It just made me want to vomit, because to me? It felt like they were trying to sugarcoat a relationship that wasn't as strong. It just sounds like sweet-talk to cover up for something that's a bit shallow.

I rarely express my I Love Yous through words, but instead, through my actions/intent. I think if I were to try to communicate with a blind/death person, in the end, it's still about *how* I care for them that truly withstands the test of time, especially, when they're at their lowest low.

 

[Queen Kat]

This is a really good question.. Because to me, it's the intent behind every action that speaks volumes about how people care for one another.. "I Love You" is just sugar-coat, icing on the cake, for me. I've always been like that even as a kid- because words are just words. Talk is talk.

A true test for love is when people stick together through thick and thin, and in the end, look at one another with regard, respect.. in a way that they know they cherish one another through unspoken words.

I've been in relationships where guys will constantly say, "I Love You. I Love You. Babe. I Love You." It just made me want to vomit, because to me? It felt like they were trying to sugarcoat a relationship that wasn't as strong. It just sounds like sweet-talk to cover up for something that's a bit shallow.

I rarely express my I Love Yous through words, but instead, through my actions/intent. I think if I were to try to communicate with a blind/death person, in the end, it's still about *how* I care for them that truly withstands the test of time, especially, when they're at their lowest low.

I think I couldn't agree more! I've known so many couples who were only touching each other all day long and telling each other how much they loved each other, but a month later they already broke up!

 

[ENFJ_Catholic]

This is a really good question.. Because to me, it's the intent behind every action that speaks volumes about how people care for one another.. "I Love You" is just sugar-coat, icing on the cake, for me. I've always been like that even as a kid- because words are just words. Talk is talk.

A true test for love is when people stick together through thick and thin, and in the end, look at one another with regard, respect.. in a way that they know they cherish one another through unspoken words.

I've been in relationships where guys will constantly say, "I Love You. I Love You. Babe. I Love You." It just made me want to vomit, because to me? It felt like they were trying to sugarcoat a relationship that wasn't as strong. It just sounds like sweet-talk to cover up for something that's a bit shallow.

I rarely express my I Love Yous through words, but instead, through my actions/intent. I think if I were to try to communicate with a blind/death person, in the end, it's still about *how* I care for them that truly withstands the test of time, especially, when they're at their lowest low.

Can't I be for both? I'm a firm believer of actions...but also words!