[MBTI General] Dating: One at a time, or multiple?

[forzen]

One at a time,

only because its mentally tiring and the commitment to do multiple dates is exhausting.

 

[Thursday]

One at a time

 

[Manimal]

one at a time.

 

[JocktheMotie]

I only have one boyfriend at a time, for the most part. But until then, I will date other people and never assume an exclusive relationship until it is discussed and agreed upon.

I see what you mean now. I don't consider "dating" to be the "getting to know someone" phase, for me it's already at the girlfriend stage. But I will juggle multiple interests until I [or more commonly she ] make a choice.

 

[swordpath]

There's a difference between "going on a date" and "dating". Once you've gone on several dates with a person, it's safe to say you're invested; at that point I'd say it's time to make it exclusive [I would make sure to communicate this plan and make sure y'all are on the same page]. Nothing wrong with hitting up several people for a date or two to test out the waters though.


Why am I in the NF Idyllic? *retreats to the dungeon of the SJ Guardhouse*

 

[Twixt]

For me,
Dating = going out one on one with someone

i go out with different people at the same time. but so far i've never been the one who initiated it (possibly largely due to my I-ness?). i don't see anything wrong at all with meeting up one on one with more than one person - after all, youre just getting to know each other better, hang out, enjoy yourselves, right? BUT after commitment - ie. the two of us have had proper talk(s) about our relationship and actually decided to get attached - then obviously i would not date someone else (knowing that person has romantic interest in me). sex is totally out of the question, of course; i'm a no-sex-before-marriage person.

 

[kiddykat]

Dating for me is in either 1 of 3 categories:

Casual- 'Getting to know'- innocent conversations, casual talks over coffee, etc.

Romantic- Similar to casual, but there's a lot more wooing involved. Hugs, and extended phone call conversations.

Exclusive- When it's 'official'- For me? It's old school- where boy meets girl, dates her, then they both kinda decide beyond the "I like you, you like me phase, that we should be bf/gf."

I guess if I can draw a pyramid- the hierarchy would first start out with Casual dates at the bottom, then romantic dates, lastly Exclusive dating..

If I don't like a guy.. I tell him right then and there in the first phase- I think "We should only be friends." If I like a guy, I'd still like to casually get to know him, and just date one at a time.

I think dating multiple people for me? Feels a bit.. ingenuine. It feels a bit half-hearted, superficial.. But, who knows. I heard that preference for mutliple-partner relationships vs. those who prefer 1-on-1 relationships depends on how many care-takers a person had during infancy.. It has something to do with bonding with multiple caretakers vs. just mom+dad- Ex: mom/dad, or mom, dad v. mom+dad+grandparents+babysitter+others.

 

[Unique]

It usually doesn't take me long to work out if I like someone or not so one at a time has never been a burden and I prefer it

 

[Rachelinpa]

I only have one boyfriend at a time, for the most part. But until then, I will date other people and never assume an exclusive relationship until it is discussed and agreed upon.

I agree with this.

 

[the state i am in]

i think juggling a few things is probably more healthy, altho it doesn't really work for me. i expect too much of the dating process, too much attention, too much focus, too much care to be all over the place.

according to the love languages schema, my first and by far strongest is quality time. i don't feel like it is easy for me to really commit to deeply connecting or exploring chemistry when i'm jumping around. it just false feels and unprioritized.

i also find myself withdrawing from others if there is no strong connection (altho as i've matured i've let things breathe a little more, go a little slower, less intense pressure). as in, it is more difficult for me to juggle multiple things bc it has always been one of those situations in which i'd rather be alone than with people i am not connecting with in a meaningful and satisfying way. i have way too strong an inner agenda to enjoy sitting on the patio with other people who are gettin in the way of my private thoughts and not inspiring any desire to connect, play, and converse with.

i think Fe makes me feel more situationally dependent on others. meeting/matching their feelings, being like hyperly self-aware of the interaction that is going on between us. it makes it so that i cannot just enjoy being MUTED and alone with someone else on a totally differnet page than me. like it keeps pulling me out of my world, is distracting, etc. damn left-brained jness. also a source of conflict with various infps that i have had in my life, knowing we both value this space very dearly but them getting annoyed and irritated that i try to push things a bit too much at times, am too uncompromising, am too Fe and j and demanding/directing.

i think Fi is better at weighing the value of things and Ti is better at perceiving the causal conections between things. Fe is more of a context-fiinder, it understands the expressed elements of the event/situation/conversation and focuses on purifying those, testing/tasting those, seeing how thins feel to be in this situation and if it is right and harmonious and intensely meaningful or if it isn't, and then kind of protecting that EXTERNALITY and the possibility for making that, purifying that, communicating that, discovering that again and again and again. the moment when we dissolve is significant to us when it is done right with someone who is capable of meeting us there. Te does shit for you and expresses itself by eliminating that which is unimportant and irrelevant.

 

[hommefatal]

One at a time of course, I hate it when people are influenced by others.

 

[thisGuy]

get to know a few girls here and there but focus on one

now that i think about it, its healthiest the thing to do from a personal, social, and societal perspective

automatically takes care of all the 'games' and all that crap

 

[ENFJ_Catholic]

As many of you have read from earlier posts, I am single, having gotten out of my LTR (five years) one year ago and gone through all my grieving and all that. I have just recently felt ready to date again.

So: how do people date these days? One at a time? Or multiple "irons in the fire?"

I was all set to do the "one at a time" thing and people told me that was old school, and people date many at once now.

So now, we have to define dating! I guess for me dating = getting to know someone. For others, dating means sex.

So if you date around, does that also mean sleep around?? I could not do that.

Hmmm... There are pros and cons to both approaches.

Would anyone here be offended if the person you were dating told you they were also dating other people?? I guess it goes back to how that person defines dating... Discuss...

I would prefer to focus on one at a time. It also depends on the length of the "dating"...if it's going out for drinks, a meal here or there...then sure, dating multiple people is okay. I'd say there would be some need for exclusiveness after a few rounds of it and if it got to be any more intimate than that. Otherwise, there begs the question for me of "Where do I stand with this person? Am I measuring up to the other blokes?"

As long as those whom I am dating are up front with what they are doing (so that I can work it out in my own mind and with them), then I am relatively at peace with many different situations. The main thing for me is dealing with, solving, and resolving conflicts, confusion, and ambiguities of life...relationships especially included!!

 

[Phantonym]

One. Dating multiple people at a time seems like such a waste of energy. Although, you might get a couple of new friends if it doesn't work out.

 

[boondocked]

Multiple, I suppose. Very casual. I love dating and have the tendency to think of each dating 'episode' both as a new emotional adventure and a chance to enjoy the improvisational, jazz-like nuances of flirtation (heh). It has caused problems in the past, though. I wouldn't recommend.

Caveat: When something gets serious, all other dates stop. Also, I only kiss one person at a time. Finally, I painstakingly maintain complete honesty will all involved parties! Like, if I went out with you on Friday, I'd let you know I was going out with someone else on Saturday.

Can you tell I'm practiced in justification?

As for why I date multiple people? Well, I doubt it has much to do with attachment styles or my parents. I've only ever been raised by my mother and father, my two favorite people in existence. I guess I just find so many people interesting and any one person boring after awhile. There are exceptions, of course! I've had two very serious boyfriends - people who were so striking that it never occurred to me to get bored or to date anyone else. An INTJ and an ESFP.

I'm dating an EXTP exclusively now , and hope to be for quite some time, so I guess this is all moot now!

 

[ENFJ_Catholic]

Multiple, I suppose. Very casual. I love dating and have the tendency to think of each dating 'episode' both as a new emotional adventure and a chance to enjoy the improvisational, jazz-like nuances of flirtation (heh). It has caused problems in the past, though. I wouldn't recommend.

Caveat: When something gets serious, all other dates stop. Also, I only kiss one person at a time. Finally, I painstakingly maintain complete honesty will all involved parties! Like, if I went out with you on Friday, I'd let you know I was going out with someone else on Saturday.

Can you tell I'm practiced in justification?

I can appreciate this justification (just not all the casualness to the matter). And the caveat is valid. Open skies about where things are a good thing, a very good thing.

 

[cascadeco]

As many of you have read from earlier posts, I am single, having gotten out of my LTR (five years) one year ago and gone through all my grieving and all that. I have just recently felt ready to date again.

So: how do people date these days? One at a time? Or multiple "irons in the fire?"

I was all set to do the "one at a time" thing and people told me that was old school, and people date many at once now.

So now, we have to define dating! I guess for me dating = getting to know someone. For others, dating means sex.

So if you date around, does that also mean sleep around?? I could not do that.

Hmmm... There are pros and cons to both approaches.

Would anyone here be offended if the person you were dating told you they were also dating other people?? I guess it goes back to how that person defines dating... Discuss...

Good god...this is why dating is so challenging...you've already pinpointed it...everyone approaches it differently and has different ideas of how they define dating, the whole sex thing...blah. To find someone who actually approaches it similarly to you can be challenging - on top of everything else that should line up.

With online dating, given the nature of it, you pretty much end up having to email multiple people at the same time, so there's that. Then with initial meetups, given how fickle they can be on both ends, and virtual impossibility in knowing whether there will be a 2nd or a 3rd date, etc, it is most practical to keep communicating with several, until/unless you get to a 2nd or 3rd date and then decide you really want to focus on one person, and that person feels the same way.

As for actual dating, beyond a first or second meetup, I HAVE to be with just one person. It is an impossibility given my personality to juggle more than one person -- I don't think it's fair, for one thing, and for another I just don't roll like that. If I like someone, they're the only one on my radar, and I'll only start looking for someone else once I know it's not going anywhere with the one person, and once it's time to move on.

---

As for taking offense if I myself was dating one and only one person, and I then found out the other person was dating someone other than I at the same time, I would retract myself from it completely (assuming we were seriously dating, had become physical, and it wasn't just date 2 or 3, or something), and wash my hands of him. I wouldn't be 'offended' per se, but it would basically indicate that we're on different pages, and have different needs/approaches to dating and relationships. Given a past experience I've had with this, many many years ago, I would probably consider him selfish, and just wanting to play around/have fun, whereas I'm ultimately wanting a more serious, monogamous thing.