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[ENFP] WTF?! ENFPS: Engaging YET ALOOF!

seeker22

New member
Joined
Apr 14, 2009
Messages
173
MBTI Type
XNTJ
I'm an ENFP and I have found (and been told) that one minute I can be completely friendly, engaging, playful, charming, flirtatious. etc. and then the next minute I can be aloof, guarded, private, elusive, mysterious, and difficult to get to know.

I've reflected on this and tried to figure it out. When I'm "out and about" my curiosity towards and fascination with people intrigues me and drives me to be social. I feel like an explorer, and I am GENUINELY interested in exploring/studying/engaging with everyone/anyone.

Yet when it comes to the point where I actually need to MAKE TIME for someone, as in they want to hang out or whatever - I can suddenly withdraw and become very protective of my time, autonomy, and freedom. I can become quite elusive. When I am present, I will make you feel like you are the only person in the room, because I truly will be fascinated with you, yet I can be tough to pin down.

When someone calls me up and I don't answer the phone or the email or whatever and I start acting distant - people tell me I let them down. They want more. I flee. They say I flip flop, give mixed signals, and can be difficult to read.

Any other ENFPs experience this phenomenon? Any thoughts on why we can pull this number?

As warm, friendly, and engaging as we are we actually have a very private side that we allow few others to access I believe.

We can give the illusion of having been completely "open," yet little do they know, they have barely scratched the surface. The result - people feel very connected to us - like they *know* us - but we may not feel that same *connection* to them, although they will believe that we feel that way towards them! They are inevitably surprised to discover that we don't! That we were just being friendly!
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
2,725
MBTI Type
infp
:yes: I know what you mean, when I feel bound by social obligations ie you are my friend, you MUST reply to me at all times, I withdraw, I don't like anyone to rely on me because of it.

Yet when I am free of expectations I feel more able to give 100% of my attention to a person.

However this is a temporary state, if a person can put up with my flip flopping style and can get passed a certain time frame they settle into my safe zone, and I don't let them down anymore.

Maybe it's some kind of litmus test that I set people subconsciously. :shock:
 

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
18,235
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
784
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
i've been told i can be aloof and flippant and look completely uninterested...i think for me it's just when i'm lost in my head and not paying attention to what's going on around me. it's like i have 2 modes completely engaged or completely unengaged...on...off...like that.
 

seeker22

New member
Joined
Apr 14, 2009
Messages
173
MBTI Type
XNTJ
when I feel bound by social obligations ie you are my friend, you MUST reply to me at all times, I withdraw ... Yet when I am free of expectations I feel more able to give 100% of my attention to a person.

YES! Same here.

However this is a temporary state, if a person can put up with my flip flopping style and can get passed a certain time frame they settle into my safe zone, and I don't let them down anymore.

YES! Same here.
 

Salomé

meh
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
10,527
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I'm an ENFP and I have found (and been told) that one minute I can be completely friendly, engaging, playful, charming, flirtatious. etc. and then the next minute I can be aloof, guarded, private, elusive, mysterious, and difficult to get to know.

I've reflected on this and tried to figure it out. When I'm "out and about" my curiosity towards and fascination with people intrigues me and drives me to be social. I feel like an explorer, and I am GENUINELY interested in exploring/studying/engaging with everyone/anyone.

Yet when it comes to the point where I actually need to MAKE TIME for someone, as in they want to hang out or whatever - I can suddenly withdraw and become very protective of my time, autonomy, and freedom. I can become quite elusive. When I am present, I will make you feel like you are the only person in the room, because I truly will be fascinated with you, yet I can be tough to pin down.

When someone calls me up and I don't answer the phone or the email or whatever and I start acting distant - people tell me I let them down. They want more. I flee. They say I flip flop, give mixed signals, and can be difficult to read.

Any other ENFPs experience this phenomenon? Any thoughts on why we can pull this number?

As warm, friendly, and engaging as we are we actually have a very private side that we allow few others to access I believe.

We can give the illusion of having been completely "open," yet little do they know, they have barely scratched the surface. The result - people feel very connected to us - like they *know* us - but we may not feel that same *connection* to them, although they will believe that we feel that way towards them! They are inevitably surprised to discover that we don't! That we were just being friendly!

You really don't know why you're like this?
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I can relate and I do it coz a) I'm in another world and I have the sign 'do not disturb' on the door, and b) I really don't feel like reacting to outside stimuli coz I don't wanna leave my inner world and deal with mundane stuff at that time.

But yeah...it drives people up the wall, unfortunately :(

I'll do it though if I notice that people really need to talk about something. That's the only exception I make.
 

seeker22

New member
Joined
Apr 14, 2009
Messages
173
MBTI Type
XNTJ
a) I have the sign 'do not disturb' on the door, and b) I really don't feel like reacting to outside stimuli coz I don't wanna leave my inner world and deal with mundane stuff at that time.

OMG you just hit the nail on the head!! YES!!
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
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4dw
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sx/so
I realize it frustrates people sometimes, but my close circle of friends knows this about me and know I don't do it on purpose. They sometimes still get annoyed by it, but they bear with me, as they know that I will stand by them no matter what, and they know that I *will* be there in their time of need. I'm just not the person to call for organizing shit, practicality stuff, and don't expect me to be on time, coz time moves very differently in that other world, but I'll drop everything I've got going on and bump anythign in my schedule if they have a crisis on their hands.

I do try to curb this bad habit if I know that although this particular thing is not important to me, it is in fact a big deal to them (for instance, being on time to help them move). Emphasis on 'try', though...
 

Moiety

New member
Joined
Aug 3, 2008
Messages
5,996
MBTI Type
ISFJ
I'm an ENFP and I have found (and been told) that one minute I can be completely friendly, engaging, playful, charming, flirtatious. etc. and then the next minute I can be aloof, guarded, private, elusive, mysterious, and difficult to get to know.

I've reflected on this and tried to figure it out. When I'm "out and about" my curiosity towards and fascination with people intrigues me and drives me to be social. I feel like an explorer, and I am GENUINELY interested in exploring/studying/engaging with everyone/anyone.

Yet when it comes to the point where I actually need to MAKE TIME for someone, as in they want to hang out or whatever - I can suddenly withdraw and become very protective of my time, autonomy, and freedom. I can become quite elusive. When I am present, I will make you feel like you are the only person in the room, because I truly will be fascinated with you, yet I can be tough to pin down.

When someone calls me up and I don't answer the phone or the email or whatever and I start acting distant - people tell me I let them down. They want more. I flee. They say I flip flop, give mixed signals, and can be difficult to read.

Any other ENFPs experience this phenomenon? Any thoughts on why we can pull this number?

As warm, friendly, and engaging as we are we actually have a very private side that we allow few others to access I believe.

We can give the illusion of having been completely "open," yet little do they know, they have barely scratched the surface. The result - people feel very connected to us - like they *know* us - but we may not feel that same *connection* to them, although they will believe that we feel that way towards them! They are inevitably surprised to discover that we don't! That we were just being friendly!


I generally relate to this, but I don't agree with the last sentence at all. Depending on your definition of friendly of course.

I never do small talk for too long. If I'm talking to you chances, are I'm really interested in what you have to say. Otherwise I wouldn't really be talking to you.
 

Tiny Army

New member
Joined
Jan 12, 2009
Messages
679
MBTI Type
EN?P
Enneagram
7
I have an almost scientific interest in people. I often offer up information about myself to draw other people out and more often than not they see this as a bond formed. It isn't. I just wanted information and am personable enough to draw it out of other people. If someone doesn't want to be probed I back off and expect to be treated the same.

I am often told I'm cold and unfeeling because I can be so engaging and warm one minute and then off in my own exclusionary world the next. Just because an ENFP is curious about you doesn't mean they actually care. Remember that we lead with our perceptions, not our feelings.
 

seeker22

New member
Joined
Apr 14, 2009
Messages
173
MBTI Type
XNTJ
I have an almost scientific interest in people. I often offer up information about myself to draw other people out and more often than not they see this as a bond formed. It isn't. I just wanted information and am personable enough to draw it out of other people. If someone doesn't want to be probed I back off and expect to be treated the same.

I am often told I'm cold and unfeeling because I can be so engaging and warm one minute and then off in my own exclusionary world the next. Just because an ENFP is curious about you doesn't mean they actually care. Remember that we lead with our perceptions, not our feelings.

Thank you, Tiny Army! This is what I was getting at...

Love my ENFPeeps! ;)
 

Lethe

Obsession.
Joined
Aug 26, 2007
Messages
801
MBTI Type
iNtJ
Enneagram
152
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
I'm an ENFP and I have found (and been told) that one minute I can be completely friendly, engaging, playful, charming, flirtatious. etc. and then the next minute I can be aloof, guarded, private, elusive, mysterious, and difficult to get to know.

I've reflected on this and tried to figure it out. When I'm "out and about" my curiosity towards and fascination with people intrigues me and drives me to be social. I feel like an explorer, and I am GENUINELY interested in exploring/studying/engaging with everyone/anyone.

Yet when it comes to the point where I actually need to MAKE TIME for someone, as in they want to hang out or whatever - I can suddenly withdraw and become very protective of my time, autonomy, and freedom. I can become quite elusive. When I am present, I will make you feel like you are the only person in the room, because I truly will be fascinated with you, yet I can be tough to pin down.

We can give the illusion of having been completely "open," yet little do they know, they have barely scratched the surface. The result - people feel very connected to us - like they *know* us - but we may not feel that same *connection* to them, although they will believe that we feel that way towards them! They are inevitably surprised to discover that we don't! That we were just being friendly!

Thanks for this post. I was about to set up a thread asking the same questions. I wondered why an ENFP I knew was:

(a) Extroverted in large groups, yet introverted in one-on-one settings. Could be (very) difficult to talk to privately.

(b) Trying to appear open, yet emphasized that nobody fully knew them when asked.

(c) Constantly changing from hot n' cold. Never sure which side you'll see.


(*Note: It's just this ENFP. I have an easier time with the others.)
 

kiddykat

movin melodies
Joined
Jul 27, 2008
Messages
1,111
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4, 7
I find that when I get this way.. it's usually because I am EXHAUSTED.. I genuinely care about peoples' stories, but sometimes, I need time to breath/refocus, and then I get overwhelmed and retreat. I'm in the ebb/flow of my own world..

I think time is the thing that I lack, and so when some people are like, "Why don't you call? Why don't you come visit?" I really would love to, but am really tired.. I know it sounds selfish, but I truly do feel pretty wrung out sometimes.. truly.
 

LadyJaye

Scream down the boulevard
Joined
Nov 6, 2007
Messages
2,062
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
I'm an ENFP and I have found (and been told) that one minute I can be completely friendly, engaging, playful, charming, flirtatious. etc. and then the next minute I can be aloof, guarded, private, elusive, mysterious, and difficult to get to know.

I've reflected on this and tried to figure it out. When I'm "out and about" my curiosity towards and fascination with people intrigues me and drives me to be social. I feel like an explorer, and I am GENUINELY interested in exploring/studying/engaging with everyone/anyone.

Yet when it comes to the point where I actually need to MAKE TIME for someone, as in they want to hang out or whatever - I can suddenly withdraw and become very protective of my time, autonomy, and freedom. I can become quite elusive. When I am present, I will make you feel like you are the only person in the room, because I truly will be fascinated with you, yet I can be tough to pin down.

When someone calls me up and I don't answer the phone or the email or whatever and I start acting distant - people tell me I let them down. They want more. I flee. They say I flip flop, give mixed signals, and can be difficult to read.

Any other ENFPs experience this phenomenon? Any thoughts on why we can pull this number?

As warm, friendly, and engaging as we are we actually have a very private side that we allow few others to access I believe.

We can give the illusion of having been completely "open," yet little do they know, they have barely scratched the surface. The result - people feel very connected to us - like they *know* us - but we may not feel that same *connection* to them, although they will believe that we feel that way towards them! They are inevitably surprised to discover that we don't! That we were just being friendly!

I've been treated like I'm confusing at times. Let me break it down simply.

People love love love the fact that NF's are warm, and emotional, and loving, and they can't seem to get enough of it. They treat us like we're dispensers, and they can just push a button and get the sweet sweet candy of understanding anytime they want. As if we have unlimited supplies of it, and that we have limitless energy and understanding. They don't understand that we wear out too, that we need to recharge ourselves, that we can't be out in the world all the time. I feel like I need to retreat into my own head for awhile, and regroup. Especially so if there's a particularly intense relationship going on. For me, it's a series of "get close, move back" maneuvers. I have to be able to disconnect from people. And have the confidence that everyone isn't going to fall apart just because I'm retreating for a little while. It's emotional blackmail if anyone tells you that you're "letting them down", or are accusing you of being aloof just because you need some space.
 

Salomé

meh
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
10,527
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I've been treated like I'm confusing at times. Let me break it down simply.

People love love love the fact that NF's are warm, and emotional, and loving, and they can't seem to get enough of it. They treat us like we're dispensers, and they can just push a button and get the sweet sweet candy of understanding anytime they want. As if we have unlimited supplies of it, and that we have limitless energy and understanding. They don't understand that we wear out too, that we need to recharge ourselves, that we can't be out in the world all the time. I feel like I need to retreat into my own head for awhile, and regroup. Especially so if there's a particularly intense relationship going on. For me, it's a series of "get close, move back" maneuvers. I have to be able to disconnect from people. And have the confidence that everyone isn't going to fall apart just because I'm retreating for a little while. It's emotional blackmail if anyone tells you that you're "letting them down", or are accusing you of being aloof just because you need some space.

So it's not about disallusionment? (I've heard this from ENFPs)
 

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
18,235
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
784
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
oh well it can be depends on the behavior you're discussing...if you mean acting completely engaged one minute and uninterested the next...it could be that...the way to know the difference is if you ever see the warm interested side again..if you do.. that means they were probably just distracted and in their own head for a bit...checked out, ya know..and it had nothing to do with you.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I've been treated like I'm confusing at times. Let me break it down simply.

People love love love the fact that NF's are warm, and emotional, and loving, and they can't seem to get enough of it. They treat us like we're dispensers, and they can just push a button and get the sweet sweet candy of understanding anytime they want. As if we have unlimited supplies of it, and that we have limitless energy and understanding. They don't understand that we wear out too, that we need to recharge ourselves, that we can't be out in the world all the time. I feel like I need to retreat into my own head for awhile, and regroup. Especially so if there's a particularly intense relationship going on. For me, it's a series of "get close, move back" maneuvers. I have to be able to disconnect from people. And have the confidence that everyone isn't going to fall apart just because I'm retreating for a little while. It's emotional blackmail if anyone tells you that you're "letting them down", or are accusing you of being aloof just because you need some space.

+1
 

LadyJaye

Scream down the boulevard
Joined
Nov 6, 2007
Messages
2,062
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
So it's not about disallusionment? (I've heard this from ENFPs)

I can't say that disillusionment doesn't have anything to do with the way I behave. I've been guilty of withdrawing from people in close relationships because I was surprised by something they said or did, but it isn't a permanent state of being. Usually, I'll withdraw if I've discovered something new in an abrupt and emotionally exposed manner, and I need to process it and decide how I feel about it. It's not necessarily about disillusionment with the individual. And if the surprising revelation isn't going to fly, then I'll definitely tell them so. They won't be hanging on the line.

But usually, I don't walk away from people unless I'm exhausted and I have to go empty out my head.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
...or when you don't get a response out of them, after repeatedly trying. I close the door but leave the window open then though ;)
 
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