[ENFP] WTF?! ENFPS: Engaging YET ALOOF!

[LadyJaye]

As an INTJ, I have a modest supply of sugary-sweet energy and time for other people. I'm also very clear about to whom and where I use it. (Example: I'm sorry, can we do this another day? I need to focus on my project.") I'll give them a heads up if they investigate on my missing presence. I definitely would not involve myself in social interactions when I need to recharge in solitude... et al...

Sounds like your friend has some discipline issues. I think that is true of most people, regardless of type. So, if I were you, I would have limited my interactions with him just based off the fact that I couldn't really rely on him to say what he means. Again, I can only give my own perspective, but I say what I mean. And if I'm overextended, or feel I can't make a commitment to something, I say so.

Pah! I say, pah!

The rights and obligations of freedom from constraint are something I know a little about. You want freedom from constraint? Live the life of an INTJ.

Dipping in and out of people's lives is letting them down unless they're independent enough to take it. Don't ya think so?

I don't "dip in and out" of people's lives. But I do take breaks. Breaks that these people are informed of. It's a bit melodramatic to make everyone sound like they're victims of our personality.

Extraverted NFs seem to do this kind of thing a lot. How can someone be the most interesting person in the room at one moment and yet there's no interest in pursuing that further? It seems so fickle. I guess it's hard for me to understand, because I am more reserved in crowds and only really open up in small groups or one-on-one. If I find someone interesting in a group, my first reaction is to want to get to know them more intimately to gauge whether it's a potential friendship. I have an ENFP friend who is all smiles and engagement when I see her, but extremely difficult to get in touch with to plan getting together. If we ever do see one another, it's on her schedule, as if she woke up one day and randomly thought, "Oh, hey, I haven't seen so-and-so in a while!" It's tough to know whether to take it personally.

Introverts are just as flaky and fickle as introverts. They just aren't noticed as quickly because they hide in corners in the first place.

There. I think that was equal to the blanket statement you said.

 

[hokie912]

Introverts are just as flaky and fickle as introverts. They just aren't noticed as quickly because they hide in corners in the first place.

There. I think that was equal to the blanket statement you said.

I truly didn't mean that so seriously. I probably didn't phrase it especially well, but I really only meant that that mindset seems fickle to me. "Fickle" as in I have a hard time wrapping my head around it, not as a judgement that it's wrong. I was posting hoping to understand, not to demean ENFPs. Sorry that it came across that way.

Of course introverts are flaky and fickle in their own ways. Especially we crazy INFJs.

 

[Kalach]

I don't "dip in and out" of people's lives. But I do take breaks. Breaks that these people are informed of.

That's nice. I take breaks every few sentences of so. I'm taking one right now.

It's a bit melodramatic to make everyone sound like they're victims of our personality.

Ain't that the truth! Next time someone calls me anal I'm slinging "melodramatic" back at them.

 

[ergophobe]

A lot of what other ENFPs have said here resonates with me as well. I think it resonated with me even more when I was younger. For the last 5 years or so, I've tried to make a real difference in this area of my life.

I've decided the quality of friendships in my life matter more than the quantity. So, I've made a conscious effort to "water regularly" the friendships that have made the cut. For these people, I will try to be more on time (it is still relative), cancel only if I absolutely have to, and think carefully before I commit to doing something with them. Also, as always, if they need me in a crisis, I will put everything on hold and move mountains to be there. I have to be told, in no uncertain terms, that the crisis is here.

I still have a lot of distant friends and acquaintances - people I met and found fascinating and am genuinely fond of but don't 'need' around regularly for sustenance. It's a finely tiered life and I take on few new friendships any more. In fact, I have been mocked for saying, "sorry I have a full life and I'm not looking for new friends".

I also try and give as much notice of cancellation as possible. It's true - the moment it becomes an obligation, it becomes a chore and I will still carry it out if I promised something but I won't enjoy it and you can't make me.

My closest friends are the ones who know me and who are both consistently fascinating people, supportive and the least demanding. They are okay with short term disappearances, with me arriving 30 minutes after I said I would and who love me with my quirks.

For the other ENFPs -- would you do this (disappear for short periods and be a little flaky) even if you were romantically interested in the person? I know I turn into the most responsible, eager, available person on earth (I despise myself for it sometimes) when I am interested in someone.

 

[Lady_X]

yeah me too girlie...i don't let people down. if i suddenly change my mind and don't want to do something i had planned with someone...i'll usually call and see how they're feelin cause it's common for us both to have changed our minds...but...i'll usually go if they're looking forward to it and my mood will usually change and i'll end up having fun anyway.

but...with someone i'm interested in...i have all the time in the world and will usually talk even when i don't.

 

[phoenix13]

I'm an ENFP and I have found (and been told) that one minute I can be completely friendly, engaging, playful, charming, flirtatious. etc. and then the next minute I can be aloof, guarded, private, elusive, mysterious, and difficult to get to know.

I've reflected on this and tried to figure it out. When I'm "out and about" my curiosity towards and fascination with people intrigues me and drives me to be social. I feel like an explorer, and I am GENUINELY interested in exploring/studying/engaging with everyone/anyone.

Yet when it comes to the point where I actually need to MAKE TIME for someone, as in they want to hang out or whatever - I can suddenly withdraw and become very protective of my time, autonomy, and freedom. I can become quite elusive. When I am present, I will make you feel like you are the only person in the room, because I truly will be fascinated with you, yet I can be tough to pin down.

When someone calls me up and I don't answer the phone or the email or whatever and I start acting distant - people tell me I let them down. They want more. I flee. They say I flip flop, give mixed signals, and can be difficult to read.

Any other ENFPs experience this phenomenon? Any thoughts on why we can pull this number?

As warm, friendly, and engaging as we are we actually have a very private side that we allow few others to access I believe.

We can give the illusion of having been completely "open," yet little do they know, they have barely scratched the surface. The result - people feel very connected to us - like they *know* us - but we may not feel that same *connection* to them, although they will believe that we feel that way towards them! They are inevitably surprised to discover that we don't! That we were just being friendly!

Yeah, my mom once accused me of having some minor form of bipolar disorder because of this. I don't know why this is, but we're intense. When we're up, we're UUUUPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!! and when we're down, we're like, don't talk to me, I'm in my dark place.

As for the connection thing, that's an illusion created by our curiosity for people and "aura of acceptance."

I think the friendly-aloof thing is us switching between Ne and Fi respectively.

 

[hommefatal]

Yeah, my mom once accused me of having some minor form of bipolar disorder because of this. I don't know why this is, but we're intense. When we're up, we're UUUUPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!! and when we're down, we're like, don't talk to me, I'm in my dark place.

As for the connection thing, that's an illusion created by our curiosity for people and "aura of acceptance."

I think the friendly-aloof thing is us switching between Ne and Fi respectively.

WE ARE AWESOME!

 

[Amargith]

yup

 

[Wyst]

Yeah, my mom once accused me of having some minor form of bipolar disorder because of this. I don't know why this is, but we're intense. When we're up, we're UUUUPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!! and when we're down, we're like, don't talk to me, I'm in my dark place.

I think I can relate to this. A lot.

 

[Domino]

I really like ENFPs and I was just shouting at mine last night. They don't deserve the bad rap they get. My sister is one of the most giving patient people I know.

 

[LadyJaye]

A lot of what other ENFPs have said here resonates with me as well. I think it resonated with me even more when I was younger. For the last 5 years or so, I've tried to make a real difference in this area of my life.

I've decided the quality of friendships in my life matter more than the quantity. So, I've made a conscious effort to "water regularly" the friendships that have made the cut. For these people, I will try to be more on time (it is still relative), cancel only if I absolutely have to, and think carefully before I commit to doing something with them. Also, as always, if they need me in a crisis, I will put everything on hold and move mountains to be there. I have to be told, in no uncertain terms, that the crisis is here.

I still have a lot of distant friends and acquaintances - people I met and found fascinating and am genuinely fond of but don't 'need' around regularly for sustenance. It's a finely tiered life and I take on few new friendships any more. In fact, I have been mocked for saying, "sorry I have a full life and I'm not looking for new friends".

I also try and give as much notice of cancellation as possible. It's true - the moment it becomes an obligation, it becomes a chore and I will still carry it out if I promised something but I won't enjoy it and you can't make me.

My closest friends are the ones who know me and who are both consistently fascinating people, supportive and the least demanding. They are okay with short term disappearances, with me arriving 30 minutes after I said I would and who love me with my quirks.

For the other ENFPs -- would you do this (disappear for short periods and be a little flaky) even if you were romantically interested in the person? I know I turn into the most responsible, eager, available person on earth (I despise myself for it sometimes) when I am interested in someone.

This is such a reasonable post. You are well on your way to being a well balanced person in a crazy world! Good luck to you.

And I relate to this almost entirely. I don't know what it is about needing my freedom so much, but I can't even tolerate tight clothes sometimes. lol But, if you're my friend, then you know you're deeply loved and a priority. I shouldn't have to say it or declare it all the time, and loving others doesn't diminish my love for each individual. Now, for the person I'm in a romantic relationship with, I'm RIVETED by them - I seek to learn everything I can about them, what they like, what their interests are, what sort of character they have. But, ironically, when I make a serious discovery, regardless of whether or not it's good or bad, I'll retreat, to think over what I've learned.

 

[Verfremdungseffekt]

Yeah, it can be kind of perplexing. An ENFP I know recently called me up and asked me out the following weekend. So I called her four days in a row, once a day, to follow up on that and figure out exactly what we were doing. Not once did she pick up or return the call. Which isn't unusual in itself, and I'm getting used to it. But, you know. Sheesh. She's the one who asked me out.

 

[Tiny Army]

One GIS search for "ENFP" yielded a hilarious picture of a tiger with a cell phone in its mouth with the caption "ENFP PSA: Answer your god damn phones."

Edit: I should have saved that picture because now I can't find it. Damn you Google!

 

[Tiny Army]

Wow, that just sounds mean. I've often been told I was leading someone on when that was never my intention but that sounds pretty... not like that. Would you mind telling me more about the situation and his behaviour?

 

[Lady_X]

One GIS search for "ENFP" yielded a hilarious picture of a tiger with a cell phone in its mouth with the caption "ENFP PSA: Answer your god damn phones."

Edit: I should have saved that picture because now I can't find it. Damn you Google!

that's true for me too. i totally don't answer my phone...really almost never.

 

[Lady_X]

aww...sorry sonata.

send him an email if you haven't yet...he should talk to you about it. that's not right.

 

[Tiny Army]

Sonata, I wouldn't be too concerned. Again, missing someone a lot is a reason I have been known to withdraw. I go to DC a lot to visit my demanding and difficult parents. When it has been a particularly bad visit I often don't call my SO at all because talking to him on the phone just reminds me that I'm not at home, I'm in hell with my parents and it makes me feel even worse.

DO tell him how you feel about his sudden withdrawal, though. ENFPs need to learn our boundaries with other people as much as we rant about our own boundaries.

 

[ergophobe]

Aderack and Sonata, my sympathies. This seems to be an NP thing - I experienced something similar with an ENTP. From 180 to 0 in 2 weeks or less. Unfortunately, it's really hard to say what could be going on. There are a myriad reasons that could explain the behavior and I am hesitant to hazard a guess.

Aderack - I'd recommend waiting a day or two and then trying the day before you were to meet. Let her come to you in her own time. She will. She seems to like you.

Sonata - in your case, with feelings having been clearly expressed, I might write a gentle email when a week is completed from the last time you wrote and ask if everything is okay. ENFPs love hearing how much they're missed so saying that is never a bad idea. Don't berate, just gently enquire about him and his family and what he's been up to. Perhaps he's just been looking for an opportune time to write a longer email. I hate writing superficial notes so sometimes I won't write at all until I can really say how I feel...

Good luck, peeps.

 

[CzeCze]

Wow, dealing with NPs sounds like a headache, lol. Honestly, I would hate to have to put up with some of this stuff that gets chalked up to normal NP behavior. Of course, to some extent I operate similarly and I do have a lot of NP friends so it works out.

But in general, if someone runs hot and cold in a way that I don't understand or the mutual push and pull just doesn't work towards a goal - I drop it and don't think much of it other than that's a closed door or that's as far as we go (acquaintances, etc.)

I think some behavior can be chalked up to healthy/normal "NP" and I have a very high tolerance in general for randomness, people cancelling and rescheduling last minute, spontaneous dates, no shows, peopel needing space, etc. -- but some behavior is just plain disinterest, bad manners, flakiness, or piss poor communication or a a combination of the above and not worth it.

It's just unfortunate when there is actual interest in both parties but it doesn't mesh for two people for whatever NP reason.

I think as much as NPs are independent and random and open-ended, we need to be even more communicative and clear with others.

 

[Galusha]

actually, ENFPs are more engaging to me when they're tired-- something about the original warmth puts me on edge, since I'm trained to associate it with an ulterior motive. it seems more genuine when you meet someone whose interest you initially have to earn... enter ENTP during exams. best friend!