[INFJ] INFJ- Dealing with Empathy

[firstjudge]

Hello all! I'm new here.

I'm an INFJ and just wanted to start a discussion about something that affects me on a daily basis- my empathic abilities. I know INFJs tend to be particularly strong in their ability to pick up other people's emotions and feelings. For me, I find this ability to be a huge burden at times. For instance, today I got a haircut and I *felt* the hairstylist had some negative feelings directed towards me and I cant stop thinking about it as ridiculous as it sounds. Because of this ability I try to create unrealistic expectations from my relationships, exerting too much energy on trying to create an ideal relationship where both sides are completely free of conflict and purely honest with each other; thinking that by doing so I can avoid picking up any negative vibes from people. Also I back when I was in college I remember sitting in class waiting for my turn to get up and make a presentation. Instead of being nervous for myself alone, I felt everyone else's nerves on top of my own creating a very overbearing feeling.

Although in my life I tend to stay firm in my convictions and proceed with things knowing that it may cause others to look at me in a less favorable light, I still cant help but torture myself by speculating and over-analyzing what their thoughts/feelings are towards me. I act like I don't care, but my mind does. Sometimes it drives me crazy since I usually end up being disappointed by others inability to meet up with my high expectations. Certain conflicts which occurred years ago continue to haunt me from time to time. Am I alone here or do fellow INFJs and other types experience similar issues? If so how do you deal with it?

 

[scortia]

I can't be of much help because my empathy kicks in in an entirely different way. If I'm having a low, which can be horrible because I have on-again/off-again panic and depression issues, I have this sort of "global empathy." I essentially make myself even more ill by thinking to myself "oh god there are thousands and thousands of people going through this right now... or even worse." That realization dwells with me and essentially makes me even sicker. (Am I really "tapping" into this sort of global empathy or is it all in my head?.. I don't know, but it feels like I'm connecting to something indescribable.) I wish I had good advice on how I get out of it. I just have a bad funk for a while where I take a load of unnecessary baggage with me... then I eventually cave in and get back onto an anti-depressant so I can make it through the day.

Wow, that wasn't helpful at all. For you, I'd just just advise you to focus on yourself because that's all you have any real control of. Remember that INFJs are notorious for our high standards and just sort of accept that people won't meet it. Or just assume the worst reaction of people before you deal with them so it isn't a shock to you. That's the only way I can imagine you could "turn off" your empathetic instincts... it really does sort of have a mind of its own at times.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Hello all! I'm new here.

I'm an INFJ and just wanted to start a discussion about something that affects me on a daily basis- my empathic abilities. I know INFJs tend to be particularly strong in their ability to pick up other people's emotions and feelings. For me, I find this ability to be a huge burden at times. For instance, today I got a haircut and I *felt* the hairstylist had some negative feelings directed towards me and I cant stop thinking about it as ridiculous as it sounds. Because of this ability I try to create unrealistic expectations from my relationships, exerting too much energy on trying to create an ideal relationship where both sides are completely free of conflict and purely honest with each other; thinking that by doing so I can avoid picking up any negative vibes from people. Also I back when I was in college I remember sitting in class waiting for my turn to get up and make a presentation. Instead of being nervous for myself alone, I felt everyone else's nerves on top of my own creating a very overbearing feeling.

Although in my life I tend to stay firm in my convictions and proceed with things knowing that it may cause others to look at me in a less favorable light, I still cant help but torture myself by speculating and over-analyzing what their thoughts/feelings are towards me. I act like I don't care, but my mind does. Sometimes it drives me crazy since I usually end up being disappointed by others inability to meet up with my high expectations. Certain conflicts which occurred years ago continue to haunt me from time to time. Am I alone here or do fellow INFJs and other types experience similar issues? If so how do you deal with it?

do you know your F/T ratio? i wonder if you're strongly F? i am weakest on my F out of all the other 'letters.' i don't really have this problem too much, or if i do zone out on it for a while, i get distracted onto another thought or something else pretty quickly. i also have a bunch of kids so that might be skewing me........i'm already maxed with them maybe.

have you seen this test? MyPersonality.info - Personality Types and Multiple Intelligences Tests & Information it's a good one.

 

[JohnDoe]

Hello all! I'm new here.

I'm an INFJ and just wanted to start a discussion about something that affects me on a daily basis- my empathic abilities. I know INFJs tend to be particularly strong in their ability to pick up other people's emotions and feelings. For me, I find this ability to be a huge burden at times. For instance, today I got a haircut and I *felt* the hairstylist had some negative feelings directed towards me and I cant stop thinking about it as ridiculous as it sounds. Because of this ability I try to create unrealistic expectations from my relationships, exerting too much energy on trying to create an ideal relationship where both sides are completely free of conflict and purely honest with each other; thinking that by doing so I can avoid picking up any negative vibes from people. Also I back when I was in college I remember sitting in class waiting for my turn to get up and make a presentation. Instead of being nervous for myself alone, I felt everyone else's nerves on top of my own creating a very overbearing feeling.

Although in my life I tend to stay firm in my convictions and proceed with things knowing that it may cause others to look at me in a less favorable light, I still cant help but torture myself by speculating and over-analyzing what their thoughts/feelings are towards me. I act like I don't care, but my mind does. Sometimes it drives me crazy since I usually end up being disappointed by others inability to meet up with my high expectations. Certain conflicts which occurred years ago continue to haunt me from time to time. Am I alone here or do fellow INFJs and other types experience similar issues? If so how do you deal with it?

Learn how to meditate. There are lots of howtos on the internet, just pick one that works for you.

 

[firstjudge]

do you know your F/T ratio? i wonder if you're strongly F? i am weakest on my F out of all the other 'letters.' i don't really have this problem too much, or if i do zone out on it for a while, i get distracted onto another thought or something else pretty quickly. i also have a bunch of kids so that might be skewing me........i'm already maxed with them maybe.

have you seen this test? MyPersonality.info - Personality Types and Multiple Intelligences Tests & Information it's a good one.

Yes I've done the test. I'm 100% introverted, 95% intuitive, 53% feeling, and 68% judging. Oddly my feeling is the weakest, despite being overwhelmed by feelings. Maybe its because I try to suppress my feeling aspect with thinking.

I'll try meditation. I attempted it years ago but never kept up with it since my mind tends to drift so easily.

 

[invaderzim]

try projecting out. i do this alot too. My entj mom helps me out. For instance, if you're sensitive to other people's emotions thats one thing. But if you think you are the cause of the emotions the person is experiencing thats bad. Next, time you read a negative facial expression or feel the person emoting. Just think of reasons why you are not the cause. For example, they could be having a bad day, something bad is going on in their life, their tired, etc. Instead of absorbing their feelings and directing the cause to yourself.

 

[mwv6r]

do you know your F/T ratio? i wonder if you're strongly F? i am weakest on my F out of all the other 'letters.' i don't really have this problem too much, or if i do zone out on it for a while, i get distracted onto another thought or something else pretty quickly. i also have a bunch of kids so that might be skewing me........i'm already maxed with them maybe.

have you seen this test? MyPersonality.info - Personality Types and Multiple Intelligences Tests & Information it's a good one.

***

It must be a strong F thing, because I am pretty close to 100% on the T-F continuum and I experience what the poster described very strongly. It's kind of cool being able to intuit so well what others are feeling because it's sort of like x-ray vision into other people's psyche, and I have to say I am a sucker for gossip so I often enjoy being privy to people's emotions and motivations. BUT it's definitely a pain in the ass having that ability yet also caring so much what I find there. Ugh. I wish it weren't the case but it really bothers me when I intuit that people don't like me. Usually I'm able to avoid this by altering my behavior or pulling back when I first get the feeling that I'm irritating someone. But on the occasions that that doesn't work I feel miserable and I obsessively overanalyze the situation for what I did wrong. Even though logically I know I didn't do anything wrong and some people are just assholes, I can't help it, I feel guilt like I did something wrong. I'd like to cultivate my T (I value my Feeling-ness but it would be nice to be, say, 75% Feeler instead of 100%!) but I'm not really sure how to go about that. Maybe it's something that will just naturally develop on its own in middle age?

Being such a hardcore feeler is a gift and a curse. On the one hand I believe I am a very warm and nurturing person who is often able to bring out the best in others, but on the other hand it sometimes feels like I am walking around with an open wound and people keep bumping into it!

 

[amelie]

I think I can really relate strongly to what you are describing. For a long time (and I still struggle at times) I felt like other people's feelings were more important than my own - it was hard to even be aware of how I felt separate and apart from anyone else. I went to therapy and had someone else help me objectively analyze situations and decide what I wanted and where my boundaries with helping others/empathizing was. I still analyze situations and people and their feelings all the time, but I do feel like I have way more control of it at this point. I can't quite shut it off, but I can decide to put up a wall if I want to, which is progress. It's definitely a blessing and a curse - you have to be super careful who you let close to you or your will get taken advantage of big time.

 

[LavaLucy]

Definitly can relate. Like invader zim asked, do you think you're the cause of someone else's negative emotion or do you feel overly responsible like you failed in some way?
I find I have unrealistic expectations of my loved ones sometimes too, I think but I would do such and such for them!! why can't they do it for me and unfortunatly it doesn't work that way.

 

[Wyst]

I find I have unrealistic expectations of my loved ones sometimes too, I think but I would do such and such for them!! why can't they do it for me and unfortunatly it doesn't work that way.

Oooooh. Me too...

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Oooooh. Me too...

flirt!

 

[firstjudge]

Definitly can relate. Like invader zim asked, do you think you're the cause of someone else's negative emotion or do you feel overly responsible like you failed in some way?
I find I have unrealistic expectations of my loved ones sometimes too, I think but I would do such and such for them!! why can't they do it for me and unfortunatly it doesn't work that way.

I feel responsible for the reason why they are pissed, angry, sad (based on my feelings of course). I try to think about things I did that may have provoked them. Sometimes it has to do with feelings of failure like if I failed to live up to someone else's expections of me. Perhaps an old instructor or parent who thought highly of you and you end not being as successful others have thought you would be. But then that is something any type experiences not just INFJs, though I think it affects us more.

 

[Lightyear]

I find I have unrealistic expectations of my loved ones sometimes too, I think but I would do such and such for them!! why can't they do it for me and unfortunatly it doesn't work that way.

And me too!

Though sometimes people are just selfish idiots with no common decency and those ones are best kept at a distance.

 

[lost verses]

Instead of being nervous for myself alone, I felt everyone else's nerves on top of my own creating a very overbearing feeling.

I agreed with everything you were saying here. But this ^ quote in particular I definitely experience. I remember once I had this class where we had to get up and say a soliloquy from Shakespeare, and when everyone got up and inevitably struggled, I felt all of their nerves and embarrassment. It would make me start giggling nervously because that's how nerves are transferred sometimes I guess, lol. But everytime someone would get up, I would be thinking "please don't screw up, I can't bear to feel their nerves anymore". So yeah, I definitely understand where you're coming from.

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I find I have unrealistic expectations of my loved ones sometimes too, I think but I would do such and such for them!! why can't they do it for me and unfortunatly it doesn't work that way.

This is the story of all my friendships and relationships. I would never treat them this way, I always think. And, I don't feel I'm asking too much, how can it be asking too much if I'd do it for them?

I guess the only way to make friendships/relationships truly work is to find other NFs that understand that.

 

[MrME]

Hello all! I'm new here.

I'm an INFJ and just wanted to start a discussion about something that affects me on a daily basis- my empathic abilities. I know INFJs tend to be particularly strong in their ability to pick up other people's emotions and feelings. For me, I find this ability to be a huge burden at times. For instance, today I got a haircut and I *felt* the hairstylist had some negative feelings directed towards me and I cant stop thinking about it as ridiculous as it sounds.

You're giving your empathic abilities too much credit. While you might believe you're correctly feeling somebody else's emotions, you don't KNOW for sure. The only way to be sure is ask. Don't assume, because you'll just obsess over it. If you need to assume, assume you're misreading the situation.

 

[amelie]

You're giving your empathic abilities too much credit. While you might believe you're correctly feeling somebody else's emotions, you don't KNOW for sure. The only way to be sure is ask. Don't assume, because you'll just obsess over it. If you need to assume, assume you're misreading the situation.

You have a valid point. I'm a therapist, and SO many times I say something like "I can imagine that you might feel xxxx" and the client will say - yes, that's exactly it! How did you know? Then I go home to my INTJ husband and ask why he's angry and he's all - "why are you assuming I'm angry! I hate that!!" With most people, it's fairly obvious, but some fly under the radar so to speak.

 

[Trefle]

Yeah, having too much empathy sometimes distracts ourselves.

I usually dealt with it with being a bitch / playfully observing ("Oooh, you're angry. Adorable."), recognizing that it might NOT be my mistake, and deciding what to do from there, and then simply feign ignorance / indifference ("they're mad, oh well, not my business / and is it important?")

of course, the risk of slipped into outright bitchiness or not realizing one's mistakes still lingers..