[ENFJ] Frustrated ENFJ

[tenINsFJ]

I really like ENFJs. I am rather envious of their charisma and charm.

And we are envious of your cosmic minerals and therefore must lick them off like deranged butterflies from outer space.

Sheesh Pink Piranha! You should embrace the ENFJ personality type! It's like Oprah! Everyone loves her!

 

[LadyJaye]

My enfp sister told me last night that the Cyclops sunglasses were to protect people from what they THINK enfjs are like, not what we ARE like. I found that to be a very interesting statement.

Well, people are afraid of what they don't understand, or more so, of what they do understand but find overwhelming, eg their own emotions and the emotions of others. I can't imagine wishing to be hermetically sealed into a world without feelings, or without others to illicit emotions from me, so I don't understand the whole " tone it down " thing.

especially so - remember the Fe and vulnerability thing we discussed?
the what they "think" vs. "are" is another mechanism to protect them from us

"my heart has some dangerous neighborhoods, so beware where you try to go"
Ani DiFranco

If a person is honest with themselves about their own emotional state, their own emotional needs, then another person, "intense" or not, will not be able to pull things out of them that they didn't know were there. The threat isn't real.

 

[Skyward]

Sheesh Pink Piranha! You should embrace the ENFJ personality type! It's like Oprah! Everyone loves her!

Don't get anyone started on THAT can of grubs.

 

[Thursday]

If a person is honest with themselves about their own emotional state, their own emotional needs, then another person, "intense" or not, will not be able to pull things out of them that they didn't know were there. The threat isn't real.

No one asked you to come in here and say something insightful.
But yeah, so very true.

 

[LadyJaye]

No one asked you to come in here and say something insightful.
But yeah, so very true.

Well, fine mister! Looks like *someone* in here is afraid of their own inner emotional state.

 

[the state i am in]

i know three enfjs irl. two of them i thought were infps until last week i was watching a billy corgan interview and i realized they were all the same person ('cept they're nicer). they have a difficult time and struggle much. they rely on Se to blow off some steam (bike rides! drugs! fixin' thangs!) and can't seem to get a handle on how Ni can really work to balance their Fe dominant function.

i think it's similar to entjs. Ni helps undo some of the tight tight grasp of extraverted judging (Te or Fe). this is needed to provide a balancing tension to life, an ebb and flow. to unwind some of the extremely taut wire and give a little slack, a little give. to let go of the intense personal identification with the judgments used in Fe or Te and just breathe them in and breathe them out until something new has arrived.

it is a lot easier for the enjs who focus on smaller battles than the ones who identify with the world in bigger and bigger bites. same for all njs in that regard, really. the desire to conquer and to impact and to make change IS the wall you keep banging your head into. it is an over-reliance on judgment or perception, an over-reliance on introversion or extraversion. the foundation is built between the pull of these two things (doubly articulated a la the lenore thomson book), that provides more realistic, practical, here and now expectations.

also, find people that appreciate you and, when possible, learn how to say fuck off to the rest. N types will dig you, F types will appreciate who you are (even if they get exhausted by you at times). realizing that you are probably the most volatile of all types in terms of emotional currents is helpful for giving perspective to the FeNi interpretations that you get from others. you are NOT defective just bc you are difficult or challenging. you know this. with that said, THIS question is the primary one you have to address as you negotiate your social identity with your introverted understanding of who you are. balancing these two aspects is what psychological health and integration are all about. and yes, easier said than done!

really tho, pair it down if you have to, focus on the people who help build you up. surely you have many of them, stop getting distracted by what you are not and what you perceive others to want so much when many people receive you very enthusiastically for what you are. babies + bathwater, etc. and when you feel yourself losing control try writing it out. try directing that into something that will contain you and that will make you objectively proud of yourself. it seems very feasible.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

Teaching and performing could be excellent outlets for intensity. I'd suggest ENFJs who feel stifled should perhaps get involved with community theater. You have to be larger than life to make an impact on the stage. The audience will only absorb about a tenth of the emotion projected on the stage, so the performer has to focus and be an order of magnitude larger than life even when expressing in an understated way.

Years ago I directed a large scale musical and had some trouble getting everyone on the same page. I got some advice from a professional director who came in and directed one rehearsal. It was shocking and enlightening. Her intensity was like two orders of magnitude beyond what you might want an audience member to experience. She was literally an electric shock-wave. I realized that she had to overstate in order to get the actor's level of intensity raised high enough above the audience to make an impact.

Teaching is similar. Being too subdued makes everyone fall asleep. My first teaching gig was a music appreciation course, and it was basically nap-time. They were dropping like flies. I've gotten better since then, but EFJs would be quite natural in such a setting. I can now do the intensity thing if scripted, but have always admired my peers for whom it comes naturally. Most situations where you need to get a group of people to focus, it requires someone who can be larger than life and be like a magnifying glass focusing the light rays into a single point.

EDIT: I actually think part of the reason why the performing arts exist is because people are often stuck in the mind-numbing ruts of habit and sometimes stop feeling anything. They need people who can help them feel again. On a social level I think Fe dominants can also do this for people, and it can help in a really important way. Their depth of feeling can be like the sun that sparks growth and life on every thing it touches.

 

[garbage]

Not to be alarmed, for an ENFJ thrives on stressors that ultimately lead to self-improvement.

Can you or someone else expound upon this? I think I relate to it.. but I'm not quite sure.

 

[SpottingTrains]

Can you or someone else expound upon this? I think I relate to it.. but I'm not quite sure.

I believe what chameleon is saying is that as ENFJs we naturally take on a lot of stress. Both from the lives we live and the lives of others. Through this we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to meet the ideas we have in our crazy heads which according to chameleon leads to self-improvement.

 

[The Grand Chameleon]

I believe what chameleon is saying is that as ENFJs we naturally take on a lot of stress. Both from the lives we live and the lives of others. Through this we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to meet the ideas we have in our crazy heads which according to chameleon leads to self-improvement.

 

[garbage]

okay yeah that's pretty much me

Several times, it has been as if I "couldn't take it anymore" and made some absolutely drastic change in the form of self-improvement after some stressor. (forgive the "entj perspective"--it still fits)

Taking everything personally and subjectively means taking everything upon your own shoulders, which can translate into a desire to do anything possible to tackle everything head-on. Hence, yeah, the self-improvement kick.

It's a balance. We can be prone to overload if we realize that not everything is about us--not in a selfish way, but more the standpoint that we should not feel responsible for absolutely everything that goes on around us.

And we have to recognize our motivations, too. Although others can spur us to change, we are ultimately healthier if we include ourselves and our own motivations in the picture, deciding whether it's what we really want to do.

 

[KiwiBurst]

There *is* no upshot. There really really isn't.

You will always be too intense. Too isolated. Too "much". Too solitary. You're none of the ESFJ good things, you're none of the INFJ good things.

Enjoy your shock collar.

Aww.. I'm shocked that you think that. My best friend is an ENFJ and what I love most about her is that she is intense and extremely loving! She does a little bit of modeling and is absolutely stunning (most ENFJs are!).There is definitely a lot to be proud of.

 

[Domino]

Welcome to the board, Kiwi!

 

[KiwiBurst]

Welcome to the board, Kiwi!

Thank you.

 

[shimsham]

Hi Pink,

So, I don't really know you beyond what I see of your postings on here, and this thread is a bit old, but I really felt compelled to give you my two cents anyway. So, here goes...

First, I think it's really easy to go on this site/online when you're in a somewhat wounded state, and focus only on the negatives of your MBTI personality. Each personality type has a multitude of positives, as well as a bunch of negatives. I don't think any type can be considered "better" or "worse" than any other. But, despite that, I still find myself falling into the state of mind that you seem to be in right now- namely, getting entangled in all of other peoples' pet peeves about your type, its negative traits, etc, and completely forgetting about all of the positives.

Like I said, I only know you from your postings on this site, but even so, I have always found your posts to be funny, intelligent, and thoughtful. You feel strongly, you're unabashedly opinionated, you're downright hilarious. Why are these bad things? I certainly don't think they are. I hope that eventually you'll learn that many will think your intensity is not a negative aspect of your personality, but rather a positive. Who cares if you aren't always the best at those boring social niceties- that's just the shallow stuff anyway. Some people may never "get" you, but that's the case for everyone.

Anyway, you caught me on an especially contemplative day and your post struck a cord with me. Just try not to be so hard on yourself. You're awesome.

 

[Domino]

Shimsham Glad to meet you (and to know that you're a shim sham and not a flim flam which is entirely different... I think... lol )

You know, you're right. It was a bogging down in the negatives. I'm not naturally an optimist, but I do believe in the general goodness of human beings, and when they start hammering en masse on something that has a lot to do with me personally, I get very hurt and deflated and retreat to my box, wondering how people can be so mean and reactively judgmental about a spectrum of other people. When things aren't going right ANYWHERE, I lose my sense of forward motion and turn into a little black storm cloud.

You should come out of lurking and post more often! Thanks for replying!

 

[shimsham]

Nice to meet you too. Thanks for letting me to play pseudo-counselor, it's a little problem I sometimes have.

I definitely think a little criticism goes a long way with us feeling types. If someone does a little too much harping on my personality then next thing you know I'm wallowing in angsty self-contemplation for days.

And as much as I love my lurking, I'll work on posting a bit more too!

 

[SpottingTrains]

Instead of starting my own thread I will just jump on the frustrated ENFJ wagon.

Yeeeeeeeeee-hhaaaaaaaaaaawwww

Selling my Fe off to the lowest bidder!

 

[BlackCat]

What's wrong?

 

[Littlelostnf]

Well. It just seems to me that I'm constantly getting told that I'm too much even when I'm behaving myself. ESFJs are grounded and fun. INFJs are mysterious and sparkly.

I fall in a bad place between them. The hard parts.

It's not true. Lots of people who are messed up themselves project on to the person who is most likely to take the blame..that's us. What did I do wrong.

I'm sorry.

I'm ok...you're ok.