• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[INFJ] Frustrated INFJ

Skyward

Badoom~
Joined
Jul 3, 2008
Messages
1,084
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
9w1
I find that I cannot integrate with a group of 'normal' people. I'm not talking sensors. I'm talking people, Ns included, who grew up in a community. I moved here when I was little and still 'outside.' I guess having an all-introvert family doesn't help, either.

Our community is -very- religious. In our town of 13,000 people we have 7 Lutheran churches, at least 2 Methodist churches, and a handful of other churches from other Christian denominations. One thing my mother pointed out is that it's harder to fit in, even as a family, if you don't go to a certain large church and participate in all their church-sponsored activities. We are Pentecostal, and go to a church that has, maybe, 20 people in it on a full day.

This recently came to be a reality-slap in the face when I tried communicating my ideas with my current class. The only response was 'you really throw us for a loop sometimes.' At that point I receded into a frustrated pseudo-depression. Almost like a relapse from punching into shadow-ESTP mode. (At that point I have to reply to -everything- and I become a w=one-liner machine. Funny or not.)

My Fe is particularly runty since all of my introverted functions were nurtured by our pseudo-outcast situation. I have a few friends, but only two that I trust enough to talk to about intimate matters (INTP and ENFP). I also have my father, INFJ, but the generation gap is enough to make that rather shaky.

I dunno, I just find myself getting frustrated when I try to become friends with people or try and fit in. It's like I came from a totally different planet. I guess it's a typical INFJ thing, but I wish I could at least work out of some of it. Heck, an INFJ I know, and struggle to get a date with, seems to be rather popular (In the commonly-known sense, not the talked about a lot sense) and that rankles me even more. Not to mention I seem to barely register on her radar. She's also the more straight-developed INFJ type, so there are even different signals THERE. :dry:

I think that is a long pre-text to ask how to develop my Fe enough to understand social queues and other things. I'm just too frustrated at being the 'weird smart guy in the corner who stares off at into space.'
 

invaderzim

New member
Joined
Oct 4, 2008
Messages
65
MBTI Type
INFJ
Just try to use your Fe to understand and help other people around you. Take an interest in others. After a while, you might find it easier to "connect" with people in the way you want.
 

Saffronsocks

New member
Joined
Jun 18, 2009
Messages
75
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
4w5
+1

just use your Fe and it'll work itself out. Family background and upbringing can sometimes be a stepping stone to a complete mastery of whatever it was you were lacking in the past. Did that sentence make sense? I'm sure you'll figure this out - and it also doesn't sound like you've been dealt the easiest community to integrate yourself into. Your social skills are probably A-one, but bouncing off the wrong crowd... I'd also bet money that female INFJ feels completely out place, too (ever met an INFJ who didn't? ;)
 

faith

New member
Joined
Apr 25, 2007
Messages
408
MBTI Type
INFJ
I guess I exercise my Fe by asking myself, "How might this person be feeling, and how can I help improve it?" Or just, "How can I help this person?" Asking the question gets to be a habit, and the actions become regular. But it sometimes disappears if I get too absorbed in my own thoughts (Ni). You have to focus outside yourself, which can be hard to do at first.

Start with something easy, like helping someone carry something or holding a door. You see the need, and you do something about it. Then remind yourself that even as babies we prefer to be smiled at--so smile at someone who seems to need a smile. (Remember, this is for the other person, to make them feel good; not for yourself. If they don't smile back, it doesn't matter.) So now you're lending a hand when you see a need, and smiling at people.

Next, practice thinking of nice things to say. It has to be real and genuine. Catch their eye and smile as you say it. Don't expect them to say something nice in return, though many of them will. Your job is just to brighten their day.

For me, it's important that I not judge myself based on their reactions. I might adapt a behavior based on their reactions, but I have succeeded in my goal if I simply offer something pleasant to them--it is not required for them to accept and reciprocate.

If you get into the habit of doing things like this, people will feel more comfortable approaching you and making small talk. When someone attempts to do something nice for you, be sure to acknowledge and encourage it. Remember how awkward it feels when you smile at someone and they don't smile back? So make sure you always return a smile. Remember how uncomfortable it is when you try to talk to someone and they look at you funny? So when someone tries to talk to you, use all your tools to make them feel good about themselves. Smile, agree pleasantly if possible, engage in small talk, even if you think you're no good at it.

They call it social skills for a reason--they are skills you learn. Thankfully, they CAN be learned; it doesn't require a certain personality type.
 

r.a

meat popsicle
Joined
Jul 4, 2009
Messages
496
MBTI Type
STFU
I think that is a long pre-text to ask how to develop my Fe enough to understand social queues and other things. I'm just too frustrated at being the 'weird smart guy in the corner who stares off at into space.'

join the club, brother. one thing you can do is to make extroverted friends who appreciate what you bring to the table and learn from them. otherwise, honestly, there is nothing wrong with you.

better to be the wierd smart guy in the corner than another dreaming sheep on a treadmill.
 

Kyrielle

New member
Joined
Apr 26, 2007
Messages
1,294
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
I guess I exercise my Fe by asking myself, "How might this person be feeling, and how can I help improve it?" Or just, "How can I help this person?" Asking the question gets to be a habit, and the actions become regular. But it sometimes disappears if I get too absorbed in my own thoughts (Ni). You have to focus outside yourself, which can be hard to do at first.

Start with something easy, like helping someone carry something or holding a door. You see the need, and you do something about it. Then remind yourself that even as babies we prefer to be smiled at--so smile at someone who seems to need a smile. (Remember, this is for the other person, to make them feel good; not for yourself. If they don't smile back, it doesn't matter.) So now you're lending a hand when you see a need, and smiling at people.

Next, practice thinking of nice things to say. It has to be real and genuine. Catch their eye and smile as you say it. Don't expect them to say something nice in return, though many of them will. Your job is just to brighten their day.

For me, it's important that I not judge myself based on their reactions. I might adapt a behavior based on their reactions, but I have succeeded in my goal if I simply offer something pleasant to them--it is not required for them to accept and reciprocate.

If you get into the habit of doing things like this, people will feel more comfortable approaching you and making small talk. When someone attempts to do something nice for you, be sure to acknowledge and encourage it. Remember how awkward it feels when you smile at someone and they don't smile back? So make sure you always return a smile. Remember how uncomfortable it is when you try to talk to someone and they look at you funny? So when someone tries to talk to you, use all your tools to make them feel good about themselves. Smile, agree pleasantly if possible, engage in small talk, even if you think you're no good at it.

They call it social skills for a reason--they are skills you learn. Thankfully, they CAN be learned; it doesn't require a certain personality type.

This.


And doing the above and getting comfortable with it can sometimes require a bit of confidence.

For example, what your class mates said to you, "You really throw us for a loop sometimes" would have now been funny to me and I would have taken it as a compliment. (In high school, I would have felt bad, too.)
 
S

Sniffles

Guest
If it helps console you, I often have trouble fitting in within my very own Church! :dry:
 

Skyward

Badoom~
Joined
Jul 3, 2008
Messages
1,084
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
9w1
Thank you for all the support everyone. I'll keep this thread tagged so I can re-read it when I'm down. :)

*Faith's helpful advice*
I do some of that. Hmm. I think a lot of it is also matching my countenance to be brighter. I do it with my voice, they say thank you I have an up-toned 'You're welcome.' Smiling is worse because I hate how a look when I smile... I just need to learn to ignore that I guess. And the energy it takes to STAY upbeat... how do ENFJs do it??

If it helps console you, I often have trouble fitting in within my very own Church! :dry:

I find that I don't have the upfront passion for Christ everyone else in my church seems to have. The ENFJ youth leader makes me feel guilty every sunday, but not in a bad way, in the developed-ENFJ way that isn't all rose-petals and nice words.

I content myself with my internal growth towards Him while working with my church to promote a good 'spiritual watering.' I am a Pentecostal.
 

PuddleRiver

It's always something...
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
2,923
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5w6
I have the same problem if that's any consolation. Especially in church. I'd say something profound that wasn't the usual rah rah and I'd get this look like you described above. They usually didn't say anything, but they didn't have to, it was written all over their faces that they thought I was one weird chick. It was a way of looking at something they'd never thought of before and they couldn't wrap their heads or hearts around it. I hate pat answers when it comes to spiritual things and they couldn't think or talk about anything else. I'd end up feeling so weird that I just shut up. bleh. :dry:
 
Last edited:

Strawberrylover

New member
Joined
Jul 18, 2009
Messages
101
MBTI Type
ENFP
My Fe is particularly runty since all of my introverted functions were nurtured by our pseudo-outcast situation. I have a few friends, but only two that I trust enough to talk to about intimate matters (INTP and ENFP). I also have my father, INFJ, but the generation gap is enough to make that rather shaky.

I dunno, I just find myself getting frustrated when I try to become friends with people or try and fit in. It's like I came from a totally different planet. I guess it's a typical INFJ thing, but I wish I could at least work out of some of it.

Hmm. Well, others have asked if you can exercise your Fe more. I'm wondering whether, since you say you have an ENFP friend, you can hang out more with that person?

I say because I think young ENFPs are supposed to be very exploratory. At least, that was true for me. I really wanted to go to a lot of different places and try new things. Is your friend like that? If he is, and you tag along, you guys can make an awesome team and he can certainly provide you with the breadth of experiences for you to work your Fe.

(Edited to tone down the NF hyperbole. Oy)
 

LotsOfHeart

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2009
Messages
298
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4
Man, if only I could have been paid for how much I related to Skyward's original post.

I've felt the EXACT same way for many years. I think it really started for me at the very beginning of high school. Don't get me wrong, grammar school was definitely not a great experience, but people made sense to me back then. Socially, you could be more straight up with people, and for better or for worse, people were more honest. That meant more fighting and insults, but at least the kids were being honest about how they truly felt. Also, it was easier to make close friends at that time, for me.

Then, in high school, people began acting very different. Honesty just went out the window. Mean-ness was still there, naturally, but turned more and more into a strange version of passive aggression. Mainly, the already very prevalent pressure to "fit in" and "be normal" just seemed to go through the roof. If you were not "normal", there was always someone there to remind you, usually passively by excluding you quietly. But, you knew what was going on, even if the others weren't aware of it themselves. People just knew I wasn't like them. They liked me, but deep down, whether they were conscious of it or not, they did not go out of their way to include me in most of their social events like they did for the others who were MORE LIKE THEY WERE. In all honesty, it took me a long time to understand what it was about some people that made them so popular. Maybe having a certain look, or a certain personality factor played big points. But I was good looking, and a very nice kid (sorry if I'm bragging here), so it was confusing for me that I felt like such an alien. But, that was the way it was, and it continued with me for the most part through college, although my work ethic brought me success and (finally) a niche where I truly felt comfortable.

I had the same problems the original poster had; even other introverts puzzled me a lot of the time. Introverted thinkers seemed to have an easier time in school, and life than I did (unless they were so introverted they could hardly function socially). Introverted sensors could relate to me, but had it easier because there were more people like them around. Introverts who were more like I was either didn't exist where I was from or were so good at hiding their true selves that I could not identify them. Not to mention that I usually went to big schools where looking for introverts was like looking for needles in a haystack anyhow.

I have had a few moments in my life where I genuinely did fit in and was the center of what was happening. I cherish those moments, and I always will, because it took a lot of work to get to and maintain those moments. Most of my friends (extroverts), with all due respect, were great people, but could not understand my struggles. I tried to explain to them what it was like to be me, but they didn't understand. It's not their fault, they never had to go through these kinds of things, so how could they understand? But I had to realize that there are some places these guys just AREN'T gonna wanna go.

That's my problem with most people, actually. I feel pretty comfortable telling it like it is, discussing what's surrounding us in our environment. Most people don't want that, they find it threatening that someone can be tuned into the world in a way that they can see most things that are going on, and people's hidden motivations. Most people want everything to seem like it's happy all the time, even if it's fake. I learned that very early on, and go with it, because I have to, but I know it's B.S. and I doubt I'm alone.

The best advice I can give you, I think, is remember that probably most people you know are naturally better at fitting in than you are. This is not necessarily a good thing for them, because the world is a pretty corrupt, fucked up place. But, they are going to see things more conventionally and on the surface than you will, because INFJs have an unusually rich inner life. Naturally, they fit in better. However, it is not a privilege that comes without cost.

Another possibility is that you might just not be happy in a smaller town. I wasn't either, that's why I got out of there. I thought there was something wrong with me for over 15 years because I couldn't fit in in a small town. Everyone was cut from the same mold; a different mold from mine. As you get out into the world, you can meet more people who are like you.

As for your friend, if she's a girl, she fits in better than you because she's a girl. They have it easier at the younger ages (which I'm assuming you are because you said you were in class). The problem is, women get the shaft in the long term, because once they hit 30 and our bullshit society sees them as "undesirable" because they've (God forbid) grown up a bit, fitting in becomes way harder for them, and so does finding a good man. It actually gets easier for guys as you get older, especially since we have such lower standards for looks compared to women...But I digress.

Also, if you're from a family full of introverts, be thankful, actually. I am from a family of extroverts. EVERYONE in my family is extroverted except my mother. It isn't as good as you'd think. Just sayin.

It felt good to write this, but, keep in mind I'm not saying anyone has to relate to any of this. It's my experience and no one else's, and I respect that.
 
Top