[Jungian Cognitive Functions] emotional intimacy/boundaries

[sculpting]

When in relationships with others-personal, business, friends or other, at some point a certain level of comfort will set in and I become more willing to allow others to interact on an emotional level with me. I consider this "emotional intimacy" as i have to trust you to engage.

1. Do other NFPs also have to trust someone to share emotionally with them?

2. Do you find it is an all-or-none response? (ie if I share, I share everything, very open, very intense, very trusting)

3. Do you not always understand the other persons emotional boundaries? (For me I just open and dump everything out, and sometimes miss that others more slowly open up emotionally-thus I overwhelm them and am too intense, too personal, too quickly)

4. Do you ever mistake Fe for Fi, and then engage in an emotionally intimate way, only to then get rebuffed a bit? (This happens to me with tertiary Fe in estps and entps both. I misinterpret thier charm and friendliness for open emotional intimacy, not a tool for interacting with others socially)

EDIT: others please feel free to contribute how you see this on the receiving end as well

 

[Sentura]

1. yes
2. yes
3. i much more fail to understand a person's intuitive boundaries. but yes, i do... for shame.
4. it depends very much on the context. for the most part, my mind mistakes it, but is suppressed after a short while.

 

[BlueScreen]

1. Do other NFPs also have to trust someone to share emotionally with them?

Not always. I put myself out there a bit if I think it will help. To let anyone near the core I have to trust them though. Luckily I read enough to trust quickly.

2. Do you find it is an all-or-none response? (ie if I share, I share everything, very open, very intense, very trusting)

Yes, always all or nothing. I don`t believe in novel half close relationships. And as much as I`ve tried to, I think I never will. I do similar to you. And if I don`t it is because I am consciously trying not to overwhelm the person.

3. Do you not always understand the other persons emotional boundaries? (For me I just open and dump everything out, and sometimes miss that others more slowly open up emotionally-thus I overwhelm them and am too intense, too personal, too quickly)

I understand the other persons emotional boundaries. I just end up seeing no way I feel comfortable with playing the game for ages while they decide if they want to feel anything. Then I think if it takes this long for anything to go anywhere, will I have to wait around this long every time your emotions or thoughts have to process anything. I know I should adapt more, but as I get older I`m getting more picky about chasing certain types.

4. Do you ever mistake Fe for Fi, and then engage in an emotionally intimate way, only to then get rebuffed a bit? (This happens to me with tertiary Fe in estps and entps both. I misinterpret thier charm and friendliness for open emotional intimacy, not a tool for interacting with others socially)

Yes, did this recently. The return for openness was quite cold. Ouch!

 

[Scott N Denver]

1) Probably, but I can still be open with some things without trust present. More or less, more trust = more openness

2) A part of me wants to say yes, and a part of me wants to say no. I would compare it to a door, either the door is open all the way, or not very much. I'm sure the door could be like half-open though. I still want open and harmonious relationships overall, but some are much more open than other.

3) I tend to be very open, and to do so quickly. Simply put, most people aren't thast open and/or that quickly. I find great differences in other people's ability to deal with it. Some love it, others can't hack it. NF usually can hack it, NT's go both ways as do SF's and ST's. It really depends on them.

4) Sorta, but more like my Fi will overdo a situation in terms of what a Fe considers situationally appropriate. Fe's will also sometimes find there Fe shallow in comparison to my more, for lack of a better word, saintlike Fi.



One thing that stands out to me, I'm more open and emotionally bouncy, but if I can tell that something is making someone uncomfortable I'll back off or not do something in the first place. I can easily adjust given only a little bit of gentle feedback/response. Many people I've met though are much more assertive/ultimatum-like. See my posts about (N)TJ workplaces for example.

 

[Nyota]

1. Do other NFPs also have to trust someone to share emotionally with them?
Not a P, but I feel everyone should find someone to share emotionally with.
2. Do you find it is an all-or-none response? (ie if I share, I share everything, very open, very intense, very trusting)
Not necessarily. We are our own person, and there is never a person that will know you 100%. I think with time and earned trust, emotional intimacy will grow. But the entire wall shouldn't fall down as soon as one brick is removed.
3. Do you not always understand the other persons emotional boundaries? (For me I just open and dump everything out, and sometimes miss that others more slowly open up emotionally-thus I overwhelm them and am too intense, too personal, too quickly)
I always understand. Maybe this is just something I've dealt with, but I'm willing to work with someone who doesn't meet my emotional openness, as well as appreciate those people that let their dumptrucks of emotion out on me[although this is more annoying].
4. Do you ever mistake Fe for Fi, and then engage in an emotionally intimate way, only to then get rebuffed a bit? (This happens to me with tertiary Fe in estps and entps both. I misinterpret thier charm and friendliness for open emotional intimacy, not a tool for interacting with others socially)
I mistake them, but I feel that it doesn't really get in the way. If I mistake openness, and expect something more but don't get it, I'm not really let down. It's people's individual choices.

 

[nasmoe]

1. Do other NFPs also have to trust someone to share emotionally with them?

Yes, or else I'll just talk about the media all the time.

2. Do you find it is an all-or-none response? (ie if I share, I share everything, very open, very intense, very trusting)

Yeah pretty much, and when I think back about what I said, I wonder why they even needed to know. But it feels good to let it all out.

3. Do you not always understand the other persons emotional boundaries?

yeah, I sometimes get the "you're wierd" look from someone when I open up.

4. Do you ever mistake Fe for Fi, and then engage in an emotionally intimate way, only to then get rebuffed a bit?

"you're wierd" comes up a lot.

 

[Udog]

1. Do other NFPs also have to trust someone to share emotionally with them?
But of course.

2. Do you find it is an all-or-none response? (ie if I share, I share everything, very open, very intense, very trusting)
Nope - it happens in degrees. Sometimes I'll let someone in a bit deeper, but it's a pathway constructed with brick walls on both sides, allowing any damage to be minimized and contained if they start breaking things.

It's very, very, VERY difficult for me to let someone have unfettered access.

3. Do you not always understand the other persons emotional boundaries?
I'm slow to cross boundaries, so it's not usually an issue.

4. Do you ever mistake Fe for Fi, and then engage in an emotionally intimate way, only to then get rebuffed a bit?
Yup, sadly. Dominant Fe (ESFJ, ENFJ) is usually clear to me, but those with Fe in a supporting role have tricked me in the past. I've confused their need to affect my emotions (insecure ones would 'encourage' me to crush on them) as having something to do with how they feel about me.

Fi can try to do the same, but I usually see through it.

 

[Poki]

what is emotional intimacy though for an NFP. I think peoples emotional intimacy is different which is why different types respond different.

 

[Halla74]

Emotional intimacy is great, but it can be a gateway to emotional affairs.

If you are in a LTR, many relationship gurus recommend reserving your emotional intimacy for your SO alone.

Very tricky stuff it can be, but with the right person its great. Who wants to keep their guard up all the time? Not even I do. I need rest too, not much, but some.

 

[Poki]

if anyone wants to look into it a little more look up some info on transference. It can really happen with anyone, not just a client/therapist. Atleast with a therapist they are trained to recognize it.

 

[BlackCat]

1. Do other NFPs also have to trust someone to share emotionally with them?

2. Do you find it is an all-or-none response? (ie if I share, I share everything, very open, very intense, very trusting)

3. Do you not always understand the other persons emotional boundaries? (For me I just open and dump everything out, and sometimes miss that others more slowly open up emotionally-thus I overwhelm them and am too intense, too personal, too quickly)

4. Do you ever mistake Fe for Fi, and then engage in an emotionally intimate way, only to then get rebuffed a bit? (This happens to me with tertiary Fe in estps and entps both. I misinterpret thier charm and friendliness for open emotional intimacy, not a tool for interacting with others socially.

1. Yes
2. Yes
3. I adjust to people's boundries, I typically learn as I go. I can sort of tell at first what they are, but I need to be around the person for longer periods of time to really know what they are. I am typically wary of this fact at first, I try to not over load them.
4. YES. UGH. That is the worst thing! I hate it when that happens to me. I never know if Fe users are just being charming or whatever or if they are actually showing emotional intimacy! Exactly that. It's very annoying.

EDIT: For #4 I should have clarified that I meant it was mostly the dominants that gave me that feeling. I have similar issues with the ETPs like you do as well. For some reason my experiences with the IFJs have been different, it didn't seem like they were just trying to be nice or anything when we were bonding. It's odd. You might want to note that I'm pretty clearly biased here, and this may or may not apply to other NFPs.

 

[sculpting]

what is emotional intimacy though for an NFP. I think peoples emotional intimacy is different which is why different types respond different.

Poki for me this is honesty, closeness, telling you how i feel, letting you me smile and glow happily. I have to trust you wont hurt me befoore I can do that. It means I can be honest and you wont use that honesty against me later?

Anyone else as I think this is important but I dont think I am clear???

Emotional intimacy is great, but it can be a gateway to emotional affairs.

Halla, I think your perspective is really great as it is so different. For me, this emotional intimacy is not a prelude to a physical relationship, but it is more of a soul to soul connection-I think heart in another thread used an anology of throwing a ball of yarn back and forth to another person. I share my internal weaknesses/feelings and trust they can do the same. Its reflecting and understanding and trusting that that person will accept you emotionally without using you. I have "networks" of individuals that I have hooked into with various levels of emotional intimacy-freinds, collegues, family, lovers. It is very much a reciprocal interaction that ties my social network together.

For my IRL EXTPs, it is almost the opposite. When they drop the niceties and actually are blunt, in-your-face honest, you know they trust you and you know you can trust them, Intellectual intimacy perhaps??? Would love thoughts on this as I work with about twenty estps and five entps and about half my customers are entps.

1. Yes
4. YES. UGH. That is the worst thing! I hate it when that happens to me. I never know if Fe users are just being charming or whatever or if they are actually showing emotional intimacy! Exactly that. It's very annoying.

EDIT: For #4 I should have clarified that I meant it was mostly the dominants that gave me that feeling. I have similar issues with the ETPs like you do as well. For some reason my experiences with the IFJs have been different, it didn't seem like they were just trying to be nice or anything when we were bonding. It's odd. You might want to note that I'm pretty clearly biased here, and this may or may not apply to other NFPs.

I also notice this. Typically I am so Fe averse I dont interact too much with Fe doms. They are utterly wonderful people but I feel constrained. INFJs, I tend to adore, as they will call me on my BS in a heartbeat and Fe just isnt the same. Tertiary Fe can be really interesting to observe and seem to come in all types of flavors, some healthy, some unhealthy and some a liitle odd, and it can tweak me if I am not careful.

 

[Bubbles]

When in relationships with others-personal, business, friends or other, at some point a certain level of comfort will set in and I become more willing to allow others to interact on an emotional level with me. I consider this "emotional intimacy" as i have to trust you to engage.

1. Do other NFPs also have to trust someone to share emotionally with them?

2. Do you find it is an all-or-none response? (ie if I share, I share everything, very open, very intense, very trusting)

3. Do you not always understand the other persons emotional boundaries? (For me I just open and dump everything out, and sometimes miss that others more slowly open up emotionally-thus I overwhelm them and am too intense, too personal, too quickly)

4. Do you ever mistake Fe for Fi, and then engage in an emotionally intimate way, only to then get rebuffed a bit? (This happens to me with tertiary Fe in estps and entps both. I misinterpret thier charm and friendliness for open emotional intimacy, not a tool for interacting with others socially)

EDIT: others please feel free to contribute how you see this on the receiving end as well

1. Major yes.
2. Well, sort of. Kind of. Ish. It can be a slow process for me, starting with smaller things and then building on that. But once I get to that point, yeah, it's all-or-nothing.
3. I let other people feel it out for themselves. Sort of a "I'll go as far as you're willing to go" in an emotional context. I try to judge based on their behavior, basically.
4. Well, sometimes. Not usually, though. Once I realize my mistake I adjust pretty quickly.

 

[jenocyde]

4. Do you ever mistake Fe for Fi, and then engage in an emotionally intimate way, only to then get rebuffed a bit? (This happens to me with tertiary Fe in estps and entps both. I misinterpret thier charm and friendliness for open emotional intimacy, not a tool for interacting with others socially)

EDIT: others please feel free to contribute how you see this on the receiving end as well

4. YES. UGH. That is the worst thing! I hate it when that happens to me. I never know if Fe users are just being charming or whatever or if they are actually showing emotional intimacy! Exactly that. It's very annoying.

EDIT: For #4 I should have clarified that I meant it was mostly the dominants that gave me that feeling. I have similar issues with the ETPs like you do as well. For some reason my experiences with the IFJs have been different, it didn't seem like they were just trying to be nice or anything when we were bonding. It's odd. You might want to note that I'm pretty clearly biased here, and this may or may not apply to other NFPs.

Sucks, don't it? Ha!

I can't tell you how many people introduce me as their "best" or "closest" friend, and I'm all like "dude. what's your last name again?"

I don't know how to ward this off... If someone asks me a question, I'll just answer it - I don't think much about it. I guess I just don't mind talking about myself. But somehow this translates into us being close?

For my IRL EXTPs, it is almost the opposite. When they drop the niceties and actually are blunt, in-your-face honest, you know they trust you and you know you can trust them, Intellectual intimacy perhaps??? Would love thoughts on this as I work with about twenty estps and five entps and about half my customers are entps.

Yep. If I can talk to you for real, you can tell we're friends. If you've ever said to me "I'm asking you because I know you won't bs me", then you know we are *there* and we understand each other. And you understand that I will only truly help those that I love, no matter how much it hurts either of us. When I am not scared (yes, scared) to tell you my thoughts, that's when I consider you close to me. Nothing terrifies me more than thinking you may be an emo bomb about to explode at my next sentence... On the other hand, with less emotional people, it's more of a mutual respect than it is a bond. I don't know how to explain it, but both feelings are gooey.

 

[Unique]

I think ESTPs have a natural tendency to believe people don't always have good intentions

Emotions (just like logic) are part of life and it usually takes someone I respect very highly for me to reveal anything that falls into that category

Even when I do open up and talk about it and get it all out there I start coming up with logical solutions or meaning

As for intimacy and boundaries, never really had trouble with them on a physical level at least

 

[Qre:us]

From an ENTP perspective:

1. Do other NFPs ENTP also have to trust someone to share emotionally with them?

I don't quite unterstand emotional intimacy in the way most on this thread may be speaking.

This Monday, my best friend and I were chilling at a park, on a bench, when this dude bikes by, to pick at the garbage bin beside us, collecting cans and bottles (to $). My best friend goes on about how she sees him in this neighbourhood and how he had apparently threatened others who do the same as him, to stay off his 'turf'.
I just randomly asked, "What do you do with this?"
He responded that he sells to raise money for charity. Some Iraqi refugee fund. And, then we engage in this long conversation about the plight of his people, the corrupt government, and, his personal struggles with it. Leaving the country. With him ending with, "I have not been a good person in life, so I'm trying to make up for that"
Which led to a conversation about how/why he felt he was not a good person...a lot of personal stuff.
These random stranger-talks happens to me often. And, yes, I do feel I connect on an intimate emotional level (more theirs, always), and am honoured to do so, hence, I feel like there had to be some "give" from my end, which, in my own way, was emotional intimacy. Convoluted? Makes sense?

2. Do you find it is an all-or-none response? (ie if I share, I share everything, very open, very intense, very trusting)

No, I share what is appropriate (in terms of my evaluation) of the situation and person on hand. The same person may get 80% one time, and another time, 20%. But, it's always 100% real, no holding back, full-force whatever (lot, little) I put out. So, it may feel like it's all or nothing. But, only I know that there is a lot more that I keep inside than let out. Maybe my only child tendencies, but, I revel in having secrets with myself. It's my most treasured emotional intimacy...that with myself. And, yes,there comes building of trust, open (questioning the emotions) etc....all within myself.

3. Do you not always understand the other persons emotional boundaries?

I actually am very acutely aware of others personal emotional boundary to the point that I am itching to know/force, but, I will hold back from entering that arena in their life, because I can feel the vibe of discomfort. And, I rather they come to me, on their own, when they merit it ready.

4. Do you ever mistake Fe for Fi, and then engage in an emotionally intimate way, only to then get rebuffed a bit? (This happens to me with tertiary Fe in estps and entps both. I misinterpret thier charm and friendliness for open emotional intimacy, not a tool for interacting with others socially)

Emotional intimacy is something for me, that's a momentary deep connection with another human being. It's effects are longer lasting if the receiver is a friend, someone you know...but, as I outlined in my earlier example, it can occur, for me, with strangers. So, maybe what the ENFP feels in the ENTP is this misinterpretation that they're somehow *special* in the emotional intimacy dealings of said ENTP's life? When, for the ENTP, it may be something that's personal and deep, but...only on individual basis, not a general 'emotional intimacy, and here, I have rewarded it to you'....which makes comparison with others moot.

PS - I'm sleepy and I don't wanna work...so the above might not make sense.

 

[runvardh]

I'm constantly re-mapping my boundries when it comes to people. Have to adjust it for pretty much any individual I have to be in contact with more than once.

 

[entropie]

When in relationships with others-personal, business, friends or other, at some point a certain level of comfort will set in and I become more willing to allow others to interact on an emotional level with me. I consider this "emotional intimacy" as i have to trust you to engage.

1. Do other NFPs also have to trust someone to share emotionally with them?

2. Do you find it is an all-or-none response? (ie if I share, I share everything, very open, very intense, very trusting)

3. Do you not always understand the other persons emotional boundaries? (For me I just open and dump everything out, and sometimes miss that others more slowly open up emotionally-thus I overwhelm them and am too intense, too personal, too quickly)

4. Do you ever mistake Fe for Fi, and then engage in an emotionally intimate way, only to then get rebuffed a bit? (This happens to me with tertiary Fe in estps and entps both. I misinterpret thier charm and friendliness for open emotional intimacy, not a tool for interacting with others socially)

EDIT: others please feel free to contribute how you see this on the receiving end as well

1. I think trust is a big word and there are only like 3 people in the world I do trust. This results of course of a long emotional and trustful relationship. Given other people I try to be responsible and I care for them. If this works out it really depends on the persons personality if we can smell each other.

I am most of the times very sensitive about things and I try to lock that out in front of people and just nod and smile. Otherwise I would make for a very unsocial human being, if the other person doesnt swing with me in harmony.

I am very receptive to manipulation tho. Cause the few that do swing in harmony, do have a lot of power over me and I am getting naive and too trusting sometimes.

Overall I am keeping with nearly all my associates a business level relation. For more it takes time and an open-mind on the receiving end.

2. If I share, I share it all. When in loyality mode, I consider someone family.

3. I do not yes. I dont try to guide others in emotional development, cause I barely understand my own myself. I once gave a very good friend advice on questions he asked and somewhere in the process I lost his friendship. I cant tell you how, cause I didnt understand it till today. He was a very intelligent infp and I admit I think I said a few times too often I do understand you, though I didnt. But I was young and barely knew the world. To have lost his friendship have changed me tho. Maybe he wanted to give me a lecture in the end, I dont know...

4. No I dont. Fi people react badly to pervert jokes . They got no humor .
I dont think the Fe in entps is only used for social interaction. Most of the times that's even not possible, cause you are so sensotard everyone notices there is obviously more going on with you .

I have learnt from experience that the best way to express my feelings is on a sensual level through touch. And I dont mean this as a joke, I am really bad at flirts, I cant stay serious in a flirt, I get bored easy or think the other person is dumb, but to be hold by someone in the arms, you have opened up to emotionally, its the most desireable thing and the moment I feel real emotions. I dont know if this could be a Fe thing too. It would be worth a study. From my experience I know this attitude of mainly Fe people.

Like woman who are cold as ice, incapable of talking or showing their feelings, dreading sunflowers but melting like ice when hold tight.

 

[sculpting]

Emotional intimacy is something for me, that's a momentary deep connection with another human being. It's effects are longer lasting if the receiver is a friend, someone you know...but, as I outlined in my earlier example, it can occur, for me, with strangers. So, maybe what the ENFP feels in the ENTP is this misinterpretation that they're somehow *special* in the emotional intimacy dealings of said ENTP's life? When, for the ENTP, it may be something that's personal and deep, but...only on individual basis, not a general 'emotional intimacy, and here, I have rewarded it to you'....which makes comparison with others moot.

.

Sucks, don't it? Ha!

I can't tell you how many people introduce me as their "best" or "closest" friend, and I'm all like "dude. what's your last name again?"

I don't know how to ward this off... If someone asks me a question, I'll just answer it - I don't think much about it. I guess I just don't mind talking about myself. But somehow this translates into us being close?



Yep. If I can talk to you for real, you can tell we're friends. If you've ever said to me "I'm asking you because I know you won't bs me", then you know we are *there* and we understand each other. And you understand that I will only truly help those that I love, no matter how much it hurts either of us. When I am not scared (yes, scared) to tell you my thoughts, that's when I consider you close to me. Nothing terrifies me more than thinking you may be an emo bomb about to explode at my next sentence... On the other hand, with less emotional people, it's more of a mutual respect than it is a bond. I don't know how to explain it, but both feelings are gooey.

I think these may be what I am digging at a bit. I will interact with entps/estps and feel this Fe come out very playfully and will have lots of fun. I mistake it for Fi style trust/openness Then I begin to open up and trust with Fi and share emotionally more.

The estps freak the shit out and back off very quickly leaving me sort of stranded and confused, and a little embarrassed. The entps will vary depending upon how they use Fe.

Q, when you say individual basis, do you mean that particular individual moment in time?

Do the EXTPs find themselves avoiding Fe flavored interactions anticipating this response or have you seen it before and how do you deal with controlling it in others when this miscommunication occurs?

 

[ergophobe]

I'll add my 2 cents as an ENXP.

1. Do other NFPs also have to trust someone to share emotionally with them?

I have two extremes. On one hand, sharing random things with complete strangers is not difficult for me. It's almost easier than sharing these with people I really care about because their opinions matter less and because they will only have bits and pieces of information. Being on the forum is a point in case.

On the other hand, I've worked for many years on this ability to share emotionally with people I feel close to. I am a lot better now but still have several layers of screening that have to be passed in real life for me to share emotionally. Once those have been passed, there is little I won't be willing to share. There are about 10-12 people around me who know most of what is going on in my life. The extrovert in me asks them for their opinion on everything including things that some might keep more private such as relationships.


2. Do you find it is an all-or-none response? (ie if I share, I share everything, very open, very intense, very trusting)

Yes with those who have passed the screening, it is all if they want it all. With those who haven't, it is nothing or very little. The latter applies particularly to new acquaintances or distant 'friends' who have not and likely will not pass the screening.

Again, being an extrovert, I hear Qu:reus on this. It's pretty common to make connections with strangers and for them to share things with me. I'll share a little with them to make them feel comfortable. I'm doing most of this subconsciously and because I am curious about them. I am genuinely interested in people and their stories.

3. Do you not always understand the other persons emotional boundaries? (For me I just open and dump everything out, and sometimes miss that others more slowly open up emotionally-thus I overwhelm them and am too intense, too personal, too quickly)

Yes, The problem with having an X instead of an F or T is sometimes translated into being double cursed. I don't have the strength of either side. This does not usually mean that I share too much with people in real life
(they have been prepped and tested to ensure they are good recipients) but may imply that I ask questions that they are not ready to answer. My curiosity often gets the better of me. I can scare people off with questions that are not probing in my mind because they come from a genuine interest in their lives but may certainly come across as so especially to introverts.

4. Do you ever mistake Fe for Fi, and then engage in an emotionally intimate way, only to then get rebuffed a bit? (This happens to me with tertiary Fe in estps and entps both. I misinterpret thier charm and friendliness for open emotional intimacy, not a tool for interacting with others socially)

Yes. ENPs are particularly problematic in this way. I am guilty of this myself and some of what other people have said holds true for me as well. I am friendly in real life but don't often share deep emotions. This means more people consider themselves to be close friends of mine than I do them.

I have been at the receiving end of this recently with an NT where I realized much later that the level of sharing was quite different and the NT had done a really careful job of keeping sharing to a minimum.

In a professional setting, generally, less emotional sharing is better. Just my experience. Better to keep the personal and the professional separate. That way you don't risk feeling rebuffed or sharing more than you can entrust people with. Of course, being your friendly ENFP self is always welcome - just vary levels of sharing by context as well since doing this purely by person may be more complicated.