[ENFP] Need help reviving my parents' marriage (ENFP=ISTP)

[briochick]

hmmm, this reminds me a lot of the interaction between myself and my own parents. It's called enmeshment. >.< I'm sorry to hear you're struggling but you need to take a step back and realize that even if they've come to you for help you're not responsible for their behavior, because they shouldn't have come to their daughter for help in the first place.

 

[Poki]

I can tell you that doesnt sound anything like me. Are you sure he is ISTP? I have no explosive tendencies and have no problems hearing about my wifes bad days. ISTPs are really like ESTPs when it comes to be laid back and easy going. He is probably socionics ISTJ and she is ENFP which is conflicting relationship.

From first hand experience the compromise is probably shot and pushed way past where each wants to be pushed, not out of lack of love, but lack of understanding. One of the struggles is Te vs Te and his Te is stronger so she doesnt want to rock the boat talking about things. She may be scared because he either explodes back or dominates the conversation. Its anxiety that keeps you from wanting to intiate the conversation. You go over it over and over in your head like you always do only to get destroyed when you open your mouth. Not physically, but verbally.

He needs to learn to listen and not say anything. More than likely she has went to him in the past he has told her what to do and she doesnt respond the way he wanted. He gets his feelings hurt and hides it. Eventually he feels useless because she doesnt listen to him. She gave up talking and he gave up trying to help.

Does any of this sound like whats happening?

 

[StephMC]

I can tell you that doesnt sound anything like me. Are you sure he is ISTP? I have no explosive tendencies and have no problems hearing about my wifes bad days. ISTPs are really like ESTPs when it comes to be laid back and easy going. He is probably socionics ISTJ and she is ENFP which is conflicting relationship.

Yeah, I'd have to agree with Poki. Socionics types are -slightly- different than MBTI... I haven't read all that much about socionics, but the extroverts generally keep the same type (So your mom is a socionics ENFp), but for your dad... if you're more sure he's a T over an F than he is an S over an N, then he's a Socionics ISTj. Otherwise, he's and ISTp. Just from your description, it doesn't seem like there's much doubt he's a T... so I'd think he is an ISTj.

This might not be the best site about the topic, but try looking here to read about conflicting relationships... Maybe it'll shed some light? I really need to read more about Socionics, so if I find anything interesting that could help you, I'll let you know I had parents that had a difficult relationship too... so I can definitely relate!

 

[Lady_X]

I can tell you that doesnt sound anything like me. Are you sure he is ISTP? I have no explosive tendencies and have no problems hearing about my wifes bad days. ISTPs are really like ESTPs when it comes to be laid back and easy going. He is probably socionics ISTJ and she is ENFP which is conflicting relationship.

From first hand experience the compromise is probably shot and pushed way past where each wants to be pushed, not out of lack of love, but lack of understanding. One of the struggles is Te vs Te and his Te is stronger so she doesnt want to rock the boat talking about things. She may be scared because he either explodes back or dominates the conversation. Its anxiety that keeps you from wanting to intiate the conversation. You go over it over and over in your head like you always do only to get destroyed when you open your mouth. Not physically, but verbally.

He needs to learn to listen and not say anything. More than likely she has went to him in the past he has told her what to do and she doesnt respond the way he wanted. He gets his feelings hurt and hides it. Eventually he feels useless because she doesnt listen to him. She gave up talking and he gave up trying to help.

Does any of this sound like whats happening?

you know...yeah i should mention that my experience was with an istj but it sounded similar enough that i thought i'd comment anyway.

and yeah...for me very much that way poki.

 

[Poki]

you know...yeah i should mention that my experience was with an istj but it sounded similar enough that i thought i'd comment anyway.

and yeah...for me very much that way poki.

I actually have a long thing I have written about compromise and communication that I will post in the relationship section shortly. It gets into dual and conflicting pair in regard to where compromise falls apart. Hopefully someone can understand it and figure out a way to fix it.

ENFJ and ISTP are conflicting with the ISTP being more like the ENFP and the ENFJ like a ISTJ. I know the anxiety all to well.

 

[sculpting]

Your dad is somewhat atypical for ISTP. ISTPs are generally quite good at being patient and calm listeners to people that need to vent a bit.



Bottom line, until both partners feel that something needs to be fixed, nothing will get fixed. Period.

I can tell you that doesnt sound anything like me. Are you sure he is ISTP? I have no explosive tendencies and have no problems hearing about my wifes bad days. ISTPs are really like ESTPs when it comes to be laid back and easy going. He is probably socionics ISTJ and she is ENFP which is conflicting relationship.

I am an enfp and was married to an ISTP for about ten years. He also refused any sort of marriage counseling. "He" didnt have any issues.

There is something I do not understand about ISTPs honestly as they seem to come in two flavors-one more like Poki and many others on the board-and others more like your father and my ex husband.

My ISTP did not want to listen, or talk-not just about problems-but anything at all. "Are you still talking?, Why are you wasting oxygen?" He was so introverted that is was very hard for him to sit and listen to me. I was forced to play a strong J role and take care of all the financial, childcare, housecare roles. It is one thing to do this as a single mom, but another when you are forced to through anothers lack of interest.

The N/S was the hardest thing. We lived in two different universes and could not talk about things. I turned elsewhere to friends to keep my mind alive. At home I was forced to be an ISFJ as to not annoy him.

He also could be "tough" with ripping sarcastic, hysterical humor. He makes Edgar and the entps look utterly cuddly I learned to roll with the punches but had to cover and protect myself to do that-which meant i could not feel happiness or love for him either. I think this may be an enfp thing.

I had to become something I was not, lie about what I was, and hide my true nature to fit his needs and keep the relationship happy. I dont know if this match is a good one.

What works is to issue a command-Move OUT. Suddenly this will pop the istp out of thier hole in the sand. Once there, dont relent. Make them leave, make them learn to feel what it is like to be alone. Then they want to return. I made the mistake once of letting mine return. He returned better.

If she does this, he will come back much more loving and will have an appreciation for her feelings, potentially even being very sweet, once he realizes what it is like to be alone..

However I will not do take mine back again, as I should not have to sacrifice my soul, by essence, the parts of me that are most sincere, my mind, my abstract thought, to match another person's needs. The same patterns would crop up, the same problems. I could never be utterly honest and open with him, as he disregarded those parts of me as useless and stupid.

Here I play, run rampant, and get to be a bit more crazy than I ever am IRL, but it is so liberating to be true to what you are.

I am too happy being alone, to sacrifice that freedom.

Sorry to be negative, but perhaps this is your mom's chance to develop into something more.

 

[Laurie]

It's hard when your core self isn't accepted as good enough because it doesn't fit someone's idea of what is acceptable.