[MBTI General] Touchiness

[Immaculate Cloud]

I don't like strangers or mere acquaintances touching me and invading my private space. I've told people to 'stop manhandling me' when I felt that I have not given them permission to be 'that familiar' and could not care less about the outrage the remark caused...I also dislike people calling me 'kiddo' simply because I have a youthful face and they get patronising, 'aww, what a a strange thing you are!' Yea, I own my intensity!

And to me, if I hug someone it is because I really mean it. And because that person is dear to my heart.

But I will sometimes sacrifice to social conventions just because I don't want to have to explain myself and my hugging/touching/peck on the cheek criteria...It gets to be tiresome having to explain that I find it ironic that in my culture, you systematically kiss everyone you meet even if it is the first meeting. Stupid. Creates a sense of false intimacy or cheapens what a kiss ought to mean, that's what!:steam:

Some battles are simply not worth it though...

Besides, I have known people in my life who quickly got to the kissing and touching and hugging phase (and it felt good) but they later turned out to be snakes in the grass. So that even their touch seems in hindsight to be 'polluting' and a sense of disgust fills me at the mere recollection of it. Which makes me even more peculiar about who I touch and who I let touch me...

I am aware that this 'don't touch if you're not sincere' policy may cause misunderstandings especially with my IRL ENFPs who typically like to touch and poke if I so much as look away while they are speaking... But humour me will you? In a way it is also a test of their sincerity. Can they get me to do things for them without playing on my emotions through physical contact? Can they make me want to do things for them by being honest and upfront about it?

 

[sade]

I love physical touch, so I don't normally mind even strangers touching me. But I'm not one to start touching people, I keep my space, except with people who're really close to me.

 

[Domino]

I want to know if many of the other INFP/Js are like this too. I don't like being touched by people I don't know. I can stand it but I am quite uncomfortable with it. Even those who I would consider pretty close friends I'm not hugely physically affectionate with. It's not that I'm not capable of it. Those people who have gotten into my heart (ie. my family, boyfriends-after-a-time, a select few girl friends) I am very physically affectionate with. I snuggle, hug, hand hold, sit upon, launch myself at. But, until that mysterious and very difficult to reach line has been crossed to someone I can "truly trust" I am not very physical. Even a hug is pretty awkward. This can also make things with guys kind of strained as even a guy touching my hand can end up a big deal, just because my body is my own and I hardly let anyone touch me. Is this normal for any of the rest of you?

This is me too. All of it. Esp the bolded parts.

I don't know your background, but I was physically and sexually abused growing up, so it just added to my already "hands off" manner. I used to get hugs extorted from me, and when I got old enough to resist, I did. My twin sister is very huggy and verbal, and she's probably the only person who may touch me on a daily basis and even then I still bow up a little, not because I mind her hugging me, but because - get ready for it - I care about her so much already I can hardly stand the contact.

When my ESFP bff Shorty came by for my birthday, she hugged me and hugged me right when she came through the door, and we both sat on the couch talking and her head was on my shoulder. I didn't mind that at all. Shorty's mom (also an SFP), I grew up with her like she was another of my mothers, and she gives great hugs. She's one of a scant few where I'd seek her out for hugs. I'd even sit in her lap sometimes and let her pat me.

But I do seem to be genuinely uncomfortable with the physical pressure or contact. This has concerned me for some time. I didn't like dating because I didn't want to give up my bodily rights to someone I didn't trust anyway.

I remember an ex-boyfriend complaining loudly about how I was always with my ISTP bff, how I trusted him, told him everything and let him near me, but not ex-bf. I bluntly told him that ISTP bff had earned his place by me and that any intrusion would be met with an immediate beheading. I like someone who can stand near me without being all over me. Like we're "together" but not smooshing each other. Same with my INTJ bff. He can just stand there and not behave like an idiot. He's not huggy either, but if I'm really upset, he HAS hugged me.

On the other hand, I hug and cuddle any of my friends who are having a meltdown or crying. That's an okay moment to touch them, I think. And I don't resent it at all.

 

[briochick]

This is me too. All of it. Esp the bolded parts.

I don't know your background, but I was physically and sexually abused growing up, so it just added to my already "hands off" manner. I used to get hugs extorted from me, and when I got old enough to resist, I did. My twin sister is very huggy and verbal, and she's probably the only person who may touch me on a daily basis and even then I still bow up a little, not because I mind her hugging me, but because - get ready for it - I care about her so much already I can hardly stand the contact.

When my ESFP bff Shorty came by for my birthday, she hugged me and hugged me right when she came through the door, and we both sat on the couch talking and her head was on my shoulder. I didn't mind that at all. Shorty's mom (also an SFP), I grew up with her like she was another of my mothers, and she gives great hugs. She's one of a scant few where I'd seek her out for hugs. I'd even sit in her lap sometimes and let her pat me.

But I do seem to be genuinely uncomfortable with the physical pressure or contact. This has concerned me for some time. I didn't like dating because I didn't want to give up my bodily rights to someone I didn't trust anyway.

I remember an ex-boyfriend complaining loudly about how I was always with my ISTP bff, how I trusted him, told him everything and let him near me, but not ex-bf. I bluntly told him that ISTP bff had earned his place by me and that any intrusion would be met with an immediate beheading. I like someone who can stand near me without being all over me. Like we're "together" but not smooshing each other. Same with my INTJ bff. He can just stand there and not behave like an idiot. He's not huggy either, but if I'm really upset, he HAS hugged me.

On the other hand, I hug and cuddle any of my friends who are having a meltdown or crying. That's an okay moment to touch them, I think. And I don't resent it at all.

uh, physically/psychologically, yeah. My dad's been trying to make amends for that, recently, for the past three years or so. I can now, as an adult, *sometimes* feel comfortable being hugged by him. So, my past probably doesn't help, but I'm pretty sure that's not everything because my brother and sister are very touchy people.

And, see, lots of other INFs like that too...

I don't like going to the doctor for the same reason you don't like dating.

And I totally wish I could say stuff like that beheading bit. Instead, I just glare and hope they get it, which they usually don't/ignore.

 

[Bubbles]

I hate when strangers do stuff. Like I got in trouble for yelling at a teacher once because she shoved me by the shoulders to go ahead in line. XD

I like to hug friends and family. But I don't do it all the time. When it happens, however, I like it loads.

 

[PeaceBaby]

I would say I like my personal space to be respected, but I like to touch and be touched, moreso now than when I was younger. Through my teens / early twenties I felt more as you briochick. If someone were to grab my hand, or give me an unexpected hug, I didn't know what to do back! Now, I am often the one to make contact, and as an INFP I can sense when it is received easily / as intended or not.

Some things are not just about type. You change as you get older, you become more comfortable inside your own skin, and that allows you to give and receive more easily I think.

 

[Kyrielle]

I want to know if many of the other INFP/Js are like this too. I don't like being touched by people I don't know. I can stand it but I am quite uncomfortable with it. Even those who I would consider pretty close friends I'm not hugely physically affectionate with. It's not that I'm not capable of it. Those people who have gotten into my heart (ie. my family, boyfriends-after-a-time, a select few girl friends) I am very physically affectionate with. I snuggle, hug, hand hold, sit upon, launch myself at. But, until that mysterious and very difficult to reach line has been crossed to someone I can "truly trust" I am not very physical. Even a hug is pretty awkward. This can also make things with guys kind of strained as even a guy touching my hand can end up a big deal, just because my body is my own and I hardly let anyone touch me. Is this normal for any of the rest of you?

Yes, I am the same way.

Some things I'm comfortable with if I respect the person. Like when I'm having a rough day a hand on the shoulder's fine. Or a hug if they're a friend or someone highly respectable (like a professor/teacher/boss/friend with whom I've been through hell and back with with my work and they've stuck with me the whole way...that kind of stuff earns my undying gratitude and respect). Beyond that, I really have to be at the point where I really like and trust someone before I'll let them do anything else.

For the record, no sexual abuse by anyone ever. Totally normal childhood. My mother tells me I was a "hands off" person even as an infant.

 

[Unique]

Is anyone like this... doesn't mind a few friends they are comfortable with touching them but doesn't like their family touching them in any way.

 

[Domino]

Is anyone like this... doesn't mind a few friends they are comfortable with touching them but doesn't like their family touching them in any way.

Did they hurt you?

Strangers = no commitment, no true harm.

 

[Tiltyred]

I took a 10 week massage course with three other people, total strangers to me, and we paired up 2 and 2 to work on each other, completely nekkid under the sheet on the table. I didn't pursue it as a career because of my own bad back, but I was happy for a stranger to come in off the street, have a shower, and lie down for a massage (non-sexual, I'm talking professional body work here...). What about in that context?

 

[Salomé]

my body is my own and I hardly let anyone touch me. Is this normal for any of the rest of you?

I don't know if it's normal, but I'm the same way and I'm not INF.

 

[Wyst]

I want to know if many of the other INFP/Js are like this too. I don't like being touched by people I don't know.

Yes I REALLY dislike it when people I don't know or am not already comfortable with touch me. It ignites a bit of exasperation/huge lack of patience against them.

On the other hand, if I'm cool with you and we're 'huggers'. Then a hug in greeting/parting is fine - beyond that and I'll want to run away from you with a "get off of me!" look on my face.

Now, with my girl? Bring on the touchiness - I can't get enough from her.

 

[briochick]

Did they hurt you?

Strangers = no commitment, no true harm.

I was wondering a similar thing.

I took a 10 week massage course with three other people, total strangers to me, and we paired up 2 and 2 to work on each other, completely nekkid under the sheet on the table. I didn't pursue it as a career because of my own bad back, but I was happy for a stranger to come in off the street, have a shower, and lie down for a massage (non-sexual, I'm talking professional body work here...). What about in that context?

I think if we go into individual contexts this thread could take years. Plus, it's not fair, we're talking about personalities and thus individual contexts rarely apply to a general (at least as I understand it, right?). Anyway, I'm relatively ok with a massage therapist touching me. Well, comparatively I think I am, they always seem to think I need to relax. lol. There's also a level of control there though. If I wanted them to stop I'm absolutely sure they would and they're doing this as a favor of sorts to me. I've presented someone with a solution to a problem, they're not just hugging me and thinking it'll make things better.

I don't know if it's normal, but I'm the same way and I'm not INF.

hmmm, iiiiinnnnnteresting.... *jots down notes*

Yes I REALLY dislike it when people I don't know or am not already comfortable with touch me. It ignites a bit of exasperation/huge lack of patience against them.

On the other hand, if I'm cool with you and we're 'huggers'. Then a hug in greeting/parting is fine - beyond that and I'll want to run away from you with a "get off of me!" look on my face.

Now, with my girl? Bring on the touchiness - I can't get enough from her.

I can relate. A friend says I'm one of those people who has a "bubble" around me that just needs to be respected.

That bit about your girl. That's totally, completely, entirely adorable.

 

[Wyst]

That bit about your girl. That's totally, completely, entirely adorable.

haha - i guess i mean that that's how i'll be WHEN i get a girl
i can't wait! ah.. someday.

 

[Tallulah]

This is an interesting topic. I don't mind being touched--I like it. But like someone else mentioned, I don't like it when people are too touchy, like my ENFP friend, because it feels like they're just groping you without warning and you're never prepared for it. I also don't like it when I go out with a guy I don't know very well, and he wants to test the waters by touching my waist, standing too close, etc. I have to know you better before I want you to touch me. A hug's not bad, but an arm around my waist feels like a boyfriend thing, unless I know you're just a friend/father figure/platonic whatever. And there is nothing creepier to me than a dude I don't know very well hugging juuuuuust a bit too long or trying to run his hands up my back. Ew.

 

[BlueScreen]

This is an interesting difference between INFP and ENFP, which I noticed in real life recently. While I´m not outgoingly touchy feely, I would never be annoyed with a hug, and always think the world needs more of it. I don´t do it a lot of the time, but that absense of closeness annoys me. The introverts seem happy with that distance, and like to control it as a boundary more. There is a lot more of a defended fortress that is self. This makes a lot of sense given the habits of introverts vs extroverts, it just shocked me that there is such similarity in other ways between NFPs, but in this sense the introvert is way slower to jump at opportunity, almost to the point of refusing what they have not had time to adapt to. (Tell me if I´m completely wrong and making up crap.)

 

[Skyward]

This is an interesting topic. I don't mind being touched--I like it. But like someone else mentioned, I don't like it when people are too touchy, like my ENFP friend, because it feels like they're just groping you without warning and you're never prepared for it. I also don't like it when I go out with a guy I don't know very well, and he wants to test the waters by touching my waist, standing too close, etc. I have to know you better before I want you to touch me. A hug's not bad, but an arm around my waist feels like a boyfriend thing, unless I know you're just a friend/father figure/platonic whatever. And there is nothing creepier to me than a dude I don't know very well hugging juuuuuust a bit too long or trying to run his hands up my back. Ew.

You would HATE an ENTP I know, then. We're still trying to teach him a little thing called a 'Personal bubble.' So far I think rubbing him when he gets a tad irritating works. Thankfully a lot of his attention goes to ENFPs who have the energy to have the patience for his shenanigans. (But that's for a different thread)

Did I post here already? Too lazy to check, but I follow a similar consensus. I prefer not to be touched unless I'm close to the person (I like to give surprise hugs, the look on their face can be priceless!)

 

[BlueScreen]

You would HATE an ENTP I know, then. We're still trying to teach him a little thing called a 'Personal bubble.' So far I think rubbing him when he gets a tad irritating works. Thankfully a lot of his attention goes to ENFPs who have the energy to have the patience for his shenanigans. (But that's for a different thread)

hehe, I can follow ENTP thoughts, but know what you mean exactly. They love banter. I don´t really get tired of it, except when hearing a lot about intelligent theoretical stuff. They know when you want time alone and invade with precision and probing questions (usually amusing, but personal). Fortunately I love being probed with personal questions, though it sometimes worries me that I´m giving away more when they see so much already.

 

[Domino]

This is an interesting topic. I don't mind being touched--I like it. But like someone else mentioned, I don't like it when people are too touchy, like my ENFP friend, because it feels like they're just groping you without warning and you're never prepared for it. I also don't like it when I go out with a guy I don't know very well, and he wants to test the waters by touching my waist, standing too close, etc. I have to know you better before I want you to touch me. A hug's not bad, but an arm around my waist feels like a boyfriend thing, unless I know you're just a friend/father figure/platonic whatever. And there is nothing creepier to me than a dude I don't know very well hugging juuuuuust a bit too long or trying to run his hands up my back. Ew.

*pounces on Tallulah* SMOOCH SMOOCH SMOOCH!!!

She brings up a good point about context. For example, if my ESFJ male friend was hugging me, it was natural for him to do so because he was a physical guy and gave hugs. Not creepy hugs. Just hugs. If another guy who wasn't a hugger came up and hugged me the way ESFJ friend hugged me? NO. Just NO. I used to like the way an ESFP friend of mine would just float up and drape an arm around my shoulders. It wasn't gropey or weird. He was so carefree and earthy, it just made sense with his personality.

And I never complained when flirting/rough housing with my ENTP. He could get me in a body press and I wouldn't care AT ALL. That was being close to him, and he was careful with me, so I didn't mind.

Girlfriends may hug me all they want if it helps them.

 

[Wyst]

*pounces on Tallulah* SMOOCH SMOOCH SMOOCH!!!

That's the kind of stuff that makes me cringe....