[ENFJ] question for ENFJ's

[Cronkle]

thanks for the replies, very interesting. I have indeed noticed that he does not "open up" to everyone even though he is super nice to everyone. In fact I read somewhere that of all the extroverts, ENFJ's are the most reserved about revealing themselves. I'm realizing that ENFJ"s have a need to bring out the best in others.

I am even a bit envious of my ENFJ, watching how quickly he can draw people towards him and how he can talk to everyone. TO an introvert, it looks like magic. Though at other times I notice he can be quite abrupt with others (though not rude). Is that an ENFJ thing too?

I guess the other part of my confusion is that I have a crush on him, but he has told me he doesn't have romantic feelings towards me. Yet, he he kind of acts like my boyfriend which I guess is the ENFJ warmth.

Totally abrupt. I know what I want and I go for it. When things get in the way, I find the most quick way back to get whatever I'm intensely focused upon getting.
Often I'm like yeah, yeah, yeah, get to the point. But I would never say that. I wonder if the (polite) brusqueness is a manifestation of the J in me?

 

[Domino]

I do something similar, Cronkers. The mental "wrap it up, get to it faster" thing in my head when I'm in the grip of something compelling. It's not even personal, really -- like I'm not thinking ugly thoughts about the person talking, I just want them to spit it out so I can start taking it apart and get an answer for them, esp if it's something that requires a strategy. I can be abrupt that way.

I don't do this with matters of the heart though. That doesn't trigger the "wrap it up" button. I can listen to a sad or confused friend for as long as they need me.

 

[Cronkle]

Even with someone who is being indecisive about what they want in a relationship? I think in that case my annoyance would be very clear.

 

[Domino]

lol! Oh no, no no, those folks get the "wrap it up" button too. Especially if we've been around that block a million times already and you just KNOW they're going to do whatever they want regardless of what anyone says to them.

I had a close girlfriend who must have broken up with and gone back with her boyfriend (a mutual friend of ours) no less than 7,598 times. I stopped listening or sympathizing after the 4th time, would brusquely tell her that I wasn't going to hear it anymore. Whatever it is he did or you did, you know you're going back to him/her so stop crying.

Yes, that's irritating and exhausting.

 

[The Third Rider]

thanks for the replies, very interesting. I have indeed noticed that he does not "open up" to everyone even though he is super nice to everyone. In fact I read somewhere that of all the extroverts, ENFJ's are the most reserved about revealing themselves. I'm realizing that ENFJ"s have a need to bring out the best in others.

I am even a bit envious of my ENFJ, watching how quickly he can draw people towards him and how he can talk to everyone. TO an introvert, it looks like magic. Though at other times I notice he can be quite abrupt with others (though not rude). Is that an ENFJ thing too?

I guess the other part of my confusion is that I have a crush on him, but he has told me he doesn't have romantic feelings towards me. Yet, he he kind of acts like my boyfriend which I guess is the ENFJ warmth.

See this is the thing that confuses people, we are open but not completely open. The best way that I can describe it is that ENFJs are like fine lingerie, we reveal everything except that which is important.

 

[bearette]

Sounds like there may be a boundary issue? What do you other NFJs think?

I tend to be very buddy-buddy with my close friends, male or female. Very involved and very "in there". Have you always had a crush on him or did this develop after you became good friends? I can see how this might be rough on your feelings. I would hate to be so close with someone that I loved and not have them feel that way about me.

well, from the beginning he expressed an interest in getting to know me. he would be extra friendly and told me we should spend more time together, stuff like that. So, I interpreted that as romantic interest. we wound up becoming close friends (we get along great) and I told him how I felt, but he said he couldn't date me for various reasons. later on he told me more directly that the reason was lack of romantic interest.

we've talked about this a bunch of times and I am always impressed by how willing he is to talk about it and also how much he seems to want to maintain our friendship. at the same time it's hard for me to understand where his feelings lie. he really opens up to me and we have spent lots of time together but he just doesn't want to date me (there are a few practical reasons for this as well). he gets frustrated when I get upset and always wonders, "why can't we just be good friends?" we've talked about spending less time together or even not being active friends. i even recently wrote him a kind of emotional letter in which i said we should "take a break" for two weeks, and he told me I was thinking too much and that we could just spend less time together as I had suggested before.

 

[OrangeAppled]

well, from the beginning he expressed an interest in getting to know me. he would be extra friendly and told me we should spend more time together, stuff like that. So, I interpreted that as romantic interest. we wound up becoming close friends (we get along great) and I told him how I felt, but he said he couldn't date me for various reasons. later on he told me more directly that the reason was lack of romantic interest.

we've talked about this a bunch of times and I am always impressed by how willing he is to talk about it and also how much he seems to want to maintain our friendship. at the same time it's hard for me to understand where his feelings lie. he really opens up to me and we have spent lots of time together but he just doesn't want to date me (there are a few practical reasons for this as well). he gets frustrated when I get upset and always wonders, "why can't we just be good friends?" we've talked about spending less time together or even not being active friends. i even recently wrote him a kind of emotional letter in which i said we should "take a break" for two weeks, and he told me I was thinking too much and that we could just spend less time together as I had suggested before.

So basically, it might be easier for you to get over him if he were mean or ignored you instead of being the sweet & caring ENFJ. Awwww......

Definitely separate yourself from him, and focus on his flaws. INFPs tend to idealize people, so you have to make an effort to remind yourself of what is not so great about this guy.
It helps to find a new object of obsession also

 

[bearette]

So basically, it might be easier for you to get over him if he were mean or ignored you instead of being the sweet & caring ENFJ. Awwww......

Definitely separate yourself from him, and focus on his flaws. INFPs tend to idealize people, so you have to make an effort to remind yourself of what is not so great about this guy.
It helps to find a new object of obsession also

but see...we're close friends. is this worth throwing a friendship out over?

also, as we finish a study program in 2 months, after which i probably won't see him often, i don't know if it makes sense to separate myself completely at this time. but it makes sense to separate somewhat...i guess.

 

[Domino]

What I would ask myself: Does it hurt more to be away from him or more to be near him?

I don't know that I could "be friends" with someone I was into. That would be emotionally stressful.

 

[bearette]

What I would ask myself: Does it hurt more to be away from him or more to be near him?

I don't know that I could "be friends" with someone I was into. That would be emotionally stressful.

thanks. your comment is what I have gotten from a lot of people. Interestingly, I do have an older friend (in her 50's) who said I should continue being friends with him.

I try to look at the whole picture. I think certain friendships are special and strong enough that they are worth being difficult. And every time I mention us not being friends, he tries hard to discuss it and come up with a solution for both of us (love you ENFJ's)

anyway, in a short time our friendship will most likely be long-distance, so separation will happen anyway. I don't think I could let the situation as-is continue indefinitely.

anyway, hope this isn't boring. didn't mean to turn it into therapy for the INFP thread

 

[Priori]

ENFJ are like fine lingerie, we reveal everything except that which is important.

An apt description.

 

[OrangeAppled]

but see...we're close friends. is this worth throwing a friendship out over?

also, as we finish a study program in 2 months, after which i probably won't see him often, i don't know if it makes sense to separate myself completely at this time. but it makes sense to separate somewhat...i guess.

You probably have 2 more months of suffering then
Once you're not around him so much & get over your romantic interest, you may find it possible to rekindle the friendship again without any hope for something more.
I may always find a past crush attractive, but once I get over the intense initial infatuation I can handle a friendship.

 

[Lookin4theBestNU]

See this is the thing that confuses people, we are open but not completely open. The best way that I can describe it is that ENFJs are like fine lingerie, we reveal everything except that which is important.

I'm pretty darn sure I couldn't have described it better! We may look like g-strings but we are actually the much more tasteful thong style.

 

[Littlelostnf]

Lookin4 THERE you are..have totally missed you!!

a thong...ok I guess

 

[the state i am in]

Must be the Ne/Fi edge?

my impression is that Ne is the ultimate get-out-of-a-trap problem-solving function, whereas Ni can kind of dwell on why everything is the way it is, how things are connected, etc, which is not always a helpful process when you just need to free yourself from a situation of find a way to make it work so that you can move forward. we are more focused on changing the situation to be exactly what we want or feeling the chasm resulting in the difference between the situation and what we had hoped for. whereas Ne-Fi can find a number of potential solutions and dwell on the good, happy, positive outcomes as they are without worrying about how that connects to what was and what was hoped for as much.

infps like in the op have it harder bc their judgment is their dominant function so it's harder to let go of their decision/desired decision. the more they use Ne, the more they will be freed from their feelings singular focus. just like diffused and massaged out and dissolved/unconcentrated away/released.