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[ENFP] Attachment Prone (ENFP)

Rachelinpa

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
It says in the description of ENFPs that we are "attachment prone." I know this is definitely true of me. Understand that of course it applies only to a select few special people. And, I almost always care more about the relationship than they do (passion, baby!).

I am in a very transitory period of life and find that my relationships change a lot. It's interesting because while I really like change (and get bored otherwise), I still value the stability of certain people (I like) in my life. It's really hard on me when they leave, especially when it dawns on me that I am almost always more invested than they are.

Also, I have noticed a pattern that this is really only with Ts. Is it because of the challenge? I'm not sure. I do really usually prefer the company of Ts and I adore the ones who are detached. However, it always ends up hurting me in the end! It seems so stupid. I hate being attached and really do envy that detachment/apathetic quality, and I feel almost like my attachment is a negative quality or one that I wish I did not have. I don't like feeling weak and vulnerable! It's gross.

It seems like it's harder than it should be. And, it makes me wonder if it's a ENFP thing that I should accept or if it is something that I can get rid of. Practically, I know how I should be able to be healthy in this area of my life (assuming that how I attach now is not) and I can tell myself it, but I don't really believe it.

What do you think?
 
G

garbage

Guest
And, I almost always care more about the relationship than they do (passion, baby!).

yes

It's really hard on me when they leave, especially when it dawns on me that I am almost always more invested than they are.

yes

Also, I have noticed a pattern that this is really only with Ts. Is it because of the challenge? I'm not sure. I do really usually prefer the company of Ts and I adore the ones who are detached. However, it always ends up hurting me in the end! It seems so stupid. I hate being attached and really do envy that detachment/apathetic quality, and I feel almost like my attachment is a negative quality or one that I wish I did not have. I don't like feeling weak and vulnerable! It's gross.

It seems like it's harder than it should be. And, it makes me wonder if it's a ENFP thing that I should accept or if it is something that I can get rid of. Practically, I know how I should be able to be healthy in this area of my life (assuming that how I attach now is not) and I can tell myself it, but I don't really believe it.

What do you think?

I know the feeling of, well, feeling weak and vulnerable when it seems like nobody else around you is, and admiring those who don't seem to be so affected by their emotions or their environment, or otherwise don't seem to need other people.

But there are those out there who actually value traits that arise from your mindset.. namely, loyalty, understanding, and warmth. The best thing you can do is find people who value you for you, your tendency to give love, your ability to share your vulnerabilities and all. To that end, I find that I can usually get closest to NF's, but I still do have plenty of T friends.

A somewhat contrasting point.. being around an NT environment for so long, I've somewhat learned to detach and take an objective view of certain situations, although I've recognized that it's harder for me to do than it is for them. My T friends' tendencies do rub off on me, and vice versa. I'm all about learning from the people around me.
 

d@v3

Perfect Gentleman! =D
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
2,830
MBTI Type
ISTJ
Attach yourself to an ISTJ. :D If you become friend with a good ISTJ, you will not be let down and your friendship will probably last indefinitley. Like any friendship though, you will have your arguments.

Feeling weak and vulnerable is just part of being friends. If you aren't weak and vulnerable how do you know if the other person is truly your friend or not? It's a risk to see if they will betray your trust. If they do betray your trust, obviously stop trusting them. If they don't, then they are truly your friend. :)

My best friend is an ENFP and we have been friends for a VERY long time. I notice I have outlasted alot of his other friends (i.e. they move away and dont keep in touch) and he has outlasted almost all of mine.
 

Rachelinpa

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
But there are those out there who actually value traits that arise from your mindset.. namely, loyalty, understanding, and warmth. The best thing you can do is find people who value you for you, your tendency to give love, your ability to share your vulnerabilities and all. To that end, I find that I can usually get closest to NF's, but I still do have plenty of T friends.

Yeah, absolutely! I'm always keeping an eye out for the faithful. And, I find that a lot of them do definitely appreciate me. But, it's still like when it's time to say goodbye, it's not that big of a deal to them -- no matter how loyal they are. And, it's so hard for me. Although, I would say that SFs I have met have a harder time seeing me go than I them... but, I would think it is not to the same level of intensity I feel.

A somewhat contrasting point.. being around an NT environment for so long, I've somewhat learned to detach and take an objective view of certain situations, although I've recognized that it's harder for me to do than it is for them. My T friends' tendencies do rub off on me, and vice versa. I'm all about learning from the people around me.

Me too. I like the balance... but! It still leads to me recognize that it's not natural for me and it is for them.
 

Rachelinpa

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
I know the feeling of, well, feeling weak and vulnerable when it seems like nobody else around you is, and admiring those who don't seem to be so affected by their emotions or their environment, or otherwise don't seem to need other people.

Yeaaaaaaaah. Waaaaaaah! I want to be like that!!

Detachment wins because you get hurt less.
 

the state i am in

Active member
Joined
Feb 12, 2009
Messages
2,475
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
i don't actually invest more, but i feel like i get attached way stronger than others generally do. i feel like i have a desire to connect more, when it breaks off or goes the wrong way it hurts me more than others. sparse intermittent connection doesn't really work for me, i need something intense and electric.

but at the same time, i feel like someone else could easily step in and replace them. i get disappointed and sad and woe is me, but it has more to do with having something surgically removed and missing its absence in the time it takes to find a new donor.

if i were an enfp i would be a total relationship slut. but i'm too introverted for that to work out well, along with my lack of the great agility of Ne dom. i find enfps can put everything they have into something, but for the most part, they can move on quickly bc they see so many possibilities tactile and present smoking off their fingertips. at least you don't get hurt easily and then feel stuck for a long time bc you can't see a new way, re-route, create and open up a myriad of possibilities around you.

dwelling on the meaning of what has transpired and allowing that to limit your options for the future creates way too much emotional conservatism. which prevents you from living your life the way you are meant to live it.
 

Rachelinpa

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
at least you don't get hurt easily and then feel stuck for a long time bc you can't see a new way, re-route, create and open up a myriad of possibilities around you.

See, that's odd... and maybe part of when I'm not like my personality type. You'd think that because I would assume that there would be more possibilities for NEW relationships that I would be more willing to let go of the ones I already have. Thing is, I want both! I want to hold onto the ones I have and add to it... I feel like I can make space for people if I really like them, but that could also just be because right now I have an overwhelming amount of acquaintances and not enough (of what I would consider to be) real friends. Being "stuck" is my worst fear. And, I do go into a panic every time I get hurt... I throw myself into the world and hope I'll run into someone who is awesome, which... happens enough that I guess I really should trust my own pattern.
 

Rachelinpa

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
i don't actually invest more, but i feel like i get attached way stronger than others generally do. i feel like i have a desire to connect more, when it breaks off or goes the wrong way it hurts me more than others. sparse intermittent connection doesn't really work for me, i need something intense and electric.

Yeah... I kind of know that feeling, but true... as an introvert it does seem like yours is intense in a different honed sort of way. I think I am like an introvert only with lots of acquaintances. Does that make sense? I value the intensity and electric relationships far more than the other relationships... but at the same time, I need the other ones to balance out my intensity or I will go crazy. SJs and SPs are like my breath of fresh air. Whereas, perhaps, you and other INTs and INFs are more willing to not have those outside relationships and just have the inner ones. (not really profound, but I process externally... haha)
 

the state i am in

Active member
Joined
Feb 12, 2009
Messages
2,475
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
You'd think that because I would assume that there would be more possibilities for NEW relationships that I would be more willing to let go of the ones I already have. Thing is, I want both! I want to hold onto the ones I have and add to it... I feel like I can make space for people if I really like them, but that could also just be because right now I have an overwhelming amount of acquaintances and not enough (of what I would consider to be) real friends. Being "stuck" is my worst fear. And, I do go into a panic every time I get hurt... I throw myself into the world and hope I'll run into someone who is awesome, which... happens enough that I guess I really should trust my own pattern.

i like what you wrote here. as an introvert i just have less space for people. i kind of balance myself externally somewhat too, especially as an auxilary Fe user, i need constant maintenance and management of what i am taking in. we need to be very dilligent with our emotional diet. whereas Fi users seem to attach to and love people in a different way. they feel like Fi is an endless bottomless well that will never run out (altho the take, take, take and give nothing back in return of some is very unhealthy and damaging for/to Fi users!). whereas i (pretty balanced with Fe and Ti) see relationships more from an external standpoint, the CONTEXT that creates the feelings themselves, how things fit together, the story involved, the editing and cinematography, etc. Fi users can have rich and deep feelings attached to EVERYTHING, their feeling-complex just grows and grows. losing one hurts bc they still value the connection, but it IS of a different sort than for someone like me who feels like one of the emotional beams of the sun is gone and we need to adapt drastically to keep the system in good health/shape. we (Fe) seem to fear losing love, warmth, emotional current (why am i not good enough to be loved?), whereas Fi seems to fear having their love, warmth, feelings they GIVE to others being rejected and reflecting on them (their identity) as such.



Yeah... I kind of know that feeling, but true... as an introvert it does seem like yours is intense in a different honed sort of way. I think I am like an introvert only with lots of acquaintances. Does that make sense? I value the intensity and electric relationships far more than the other relationships... but at the same time, I need the other ones to balance out my intensity or I will go crazy. SJs and SPs are like my breath of fresh air. Whereas, perhaps, you and other INTs and INFs are more willing to not have those outside relationships and just have the inner ones. (not really profound, but I process externally... haha)

you still know when someone recognizes you in a more complex and deeply stirring kind of way. and when you know that your specific talents are being utilised in the relationship, that what you are contributing is in fact your best. i think most nfs have this need/desire very strongly bc we often feel overlooked and under-expressed in key (to the heart) ways. to recognize our ideals, feelings, beliefs, and intuitive-feeling gifts. the attachment in these cases is far more significant, durable, and long-lasting bc it is based on something mutually desired and powerful.
 

BlueScreen

Fail 2.0
Joined
Nov 8, 2008
Messages
2,668
MBTI Type
YMCA
i don't actually invest more, but i feel like i get attached way stronger than others generally do. i feel like i have a desire to connect more, when it breaks off or goes the wrong way it hurts me more than others. sparse intermittent connection doesn't really work for me, i need something intense and electric.

but at the same time, i feel like someone else could easily step in and replace them. i get disappointed and sad and woe is me, but it has more to do with having something surgically removed and missing its absence in the time it takes to find a new donor.

if i were an enfp i would be a total relationship slut. but i'm too introverted for that to work out well, along with my lack of the great agility of Ne dom. i find enfps can put everything they have into something, but for the most part, they can move on quickly bc they see so many possibilities tactile and present smoking off their fingertips. at least you don't get hurt easily and then feel stuck for a long time bc you can't see a new way, re-route, create and open up a myriad of possibilities around you.

dwelling on the meaning of what has transpired and allowing that to limit your options for the future creates way too much emotional conservatism. which prevents you from living your life the way you are meant to live it.

Good post. And quite true. We give everything, don't always know when to leave, never close off an option, but we get over stuff quite well compared to other types. Once all the options are gone, so are we. Reality dawns, and if we give it time it always finds that settled place. Even the darkest moments of my life have been studied until I saw value and beauty in them.

It might be that learning and understanding seems to feel rewarding, no matter how dark or crazy the thing is. It is another barrier removed to see reality a bit clearer. I'm not saying there aren't dark thoughts, I have them constantly, but there's always that drive to convert them or find something inspiring in them. The conclusion that the world is doomed, is never allowed to be final. In some ways that is great, but in the past it has caused a lot of problems, because in the wrong places it can drive me to resolve problems rather than walk away. As I get older, I'm realising some problems don't have solutions, or maybe walk away is one of the solutions.
 

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
18,235
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
784
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
totally agree with every word of that. ^^ up there.
 

JuneBugGemini

New member
Joined
Oct 20, 2008
Messages
37
MBTI Type
ENFP
Good post. And quite true. We give everything, don't always know when to leave, never close off an option, but we get over stuff quite well compared to other types. Once all the options are gone, so are we. Reality dawns, and if we give it time it always finds that settled place. Even the darkest moments of my life have been studied until I saw value and beauty in them.

This. :yes:
 

kyuuei

Emperor/Dictator
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
13,964
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
8
Burning bridges? .. We try scabbing them over first. When repairing doesn't work, we try building a bridge right next to the old one. When that one gets knocked down, we try repairing that. When that doesn't work, we talk and set up the committee of bridge builders to find out why the bridges aren't working. When we don't like their conclusion, we try making something bridge-like that's squeaky and unstable.

Eventually, we throw our hands up in the air and let the other side burn the bridge we worked so hard on.
 

BlueScreen

Fail 2.0
Joined
Nov 8, 2008
Messages
2,668
MBTI Type
YMCA
Burning bridges? .. We try scabbing them over first. When repairing doesn't work, we try building a bridge right next to the old one. When that one gets knocked down, we try repairing that. When that doesn't work, we talk and set up the committee of bridge builders to find out why the bridges aren't working. When we don't like their conclusion, we try making something bridge-like that's squeaky and unstable.

Eventually, we throw our hands up in the air and let the other side burn the bridge we worked so hard on.

:). Yep, that's how it usually goes.
 
G

garbage

Guest
It might be that learning and understanding seems to feel rewarding, no matter how dark or crazy the thing is. It is another barrier removed to see reality a bit clearer. I'm not saying there aren't dark thoughts, I have them constantly, but there's always that drive to convert them or find something inspiring in them. The conclusion that the world is doomed, is never allowed to be final. In some ways that is great, but in the past it has caused a lot of problems, because in the wrong places it can drive me to resolve problems rather than walk away. As I get older, I'm realising some problems don't have solutions, or maybe walk away is one of the solutions.

Burning bridges? .. We try scabbing them over first. When repairing doesn't work, we try building a bridge right next to the old one. When that one gets knocked down, we try repairing that. When that doesn't work, we talk and set up the committee of bridge builders to find out why the bridges aren't working. When we don't like their conclusion, we try making something bridge-like that's squeaky and unstable.

Eventually, we throw our hands up in the air and let the other side burn the bridge we worked so hard on.

haha yeah.. I see all of this too
 

CzeCze

RETIRED
Joined
Sep 11, 2007
Messages
8,975
MBTI Type
GONE
ENFPs - the kind that definitely rides the train until the last stop and looks around when the car empties, the lights go off, and wonders aloud, "That's it?"

I don't care how bad something is, I think in a sick way I can only respond to and recognize intensity or deep connection or a real draw. As long as I see some light in a tunnel or recognize the very real desire or affection or need in someone else (damn Ne!) I will stick around to the bitter end. Sometimes I find myself reduced to playing with rubble and jamming broken pieces together that don't fit, but dammit, I try.

Wait, if I care for someone and I can see the potential (damn Ne!) and it gets my Fi tickled (damn Fi, by itself you are a teenaged emo monster and you are the bane of all my emotional woes), I will try, and try, and try until I have no more tears left and no more blood left to draw. And that usually takes a long, long time. Very rare that someone can get under my skin like that and this is also why ENFPs can probably seem scizophrenic and strangely guarded.

I have a very high pain tolerance, both for physical as well as emotional pain. It's not really a good thing. The "P" and the Ne also gives me a very high tolerance for chaos, inconsistency, and uncertainty which can end up contributing to hot messes of failing and dysfunctional situations.

I think this is the human modus operandi in general - the more you want something, the more you are willing to put up with. Unfortunately for ENFPs, common sense and even self-preservation can go out the window every time. It's like we have no memory in the moment and don't learn from our mistakes.

Every type fulfills a need and has a cross to bear and I think that's ours. I am absolutely an intimacy and connection junkie but as crazy as it can make me, I wouldn't have it any other way. Which is good, because I freaking can't change it!!! We're hard wired that way! Or at least I am. Learning to deal with it makes us stronger and wiser. Hopefully.

-->Insert song and lyrics, "People who need people are the luckiest people" blah blah blah

I wrote a bunch of other stuff related to being 'attachment prone' and the concept of loving with integrity and how you will never, ever keep an ENFP or well, me, down (all the way...for good) but this post got too long.
 

Serendipity

the Dark Prophet of Kualu
Joined
Mar 24, 2009
Messages
852
MBTI Type
RAD
See, that's odd... and maybe part of when I'm not like my personality type. You'd think that because I would assume that there would be more possibilities for NEW relationships that I would be more willing to let go of the ones I already have. Thing is, I want both! I want to hold onto the ones I have and add to it... I feel like I can make space for people if I really like them, but that could also just be because right now I have an overwhelming amount of acquaintances and not enough (of what I would consider to be) real friends. Being "stuck" is my worst fear. And, I do go into a panic every time I get hurt... I throw myself into the world and hope I'll run into someone who is awesome, which... happens enough that I guess I really should trust my own pattern.

This is me. xD Except for the part of enormous amounts of acquaintances. I got some but about 20 really good friends of which 15 I let anything and everything out to. :p

Burning bridges? .. We try scabbing them over first. When repairing doesn't work, we try building a bridge right next to the old one. When that one gets knocked down, we try repairing that. When that doesn't work, we talk and set up the committee of bridge builders to find out why the bridges aren't working. When we don't like their conclusion, we try making something bridge-like that's squeaky and unstable.

Eventually, we throw our hands up in the air and let the other side burn the bridge we worked so hard on.

Yup, so true.

i like what you wrote here. as an introvert i just have less space for people. i kind of balance myself externally somewhat too, especially as an auxilary Fe user, i need constant maintenance and management of what i am taking in. we need to be very dilligent with our emotional diet. whereas Fi users seem to attach to and love people in a different way. they feel like Fi is an endless bottomless well that will never run out (altho the take, take, take and give nothing back in return of some is very unhealthy and damaging for/to Fi users!). whereas i (pretty balanced with Fe and Ti) see relationships more from an external standpoint, the CONTEXT that creates the feelings themselves, how things fit together, the story involved, the editing and cinematography, etc. Fi users can have rich and deep feelings attached to EVERYTHING, their feeling-complex just grows and grows. losing one hurts bc they still value the connection, but it IS of a different sort than for someone like me who feels like one of the emotional beams of the sun is gone and we need to adapt drastically to keep the system in good health/shape. we (Fe) seem to fear losing love, warmth, emotional current (why am i not good enough to be loved?), whereas Fi seems to fear having their love, warmth, feelings they GIVE to others being rejected and reflecting on them (their identity) as such.

I guess I am much of a Fi user in that case.
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
2,725
MBTI Type
infp
Burning bridges? .. We try scabbing them over first. When repairing doesn't work, we try building a bridge right next to the old one. When that one gets knocked down, we try repairing that. When that doesn't work, we talk and set up the committee of bridge builders to find out why the bridges aren't working. When we don't like their conclusion, we try making something bridge-like that's squeaky and unstable.

Eventually, we throw our hands up in the air and let the other side burn the bridge we worked so hard on
.


So true, I love the imagery you conjured up, explains it all quite perfectly. :)
 
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