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[MBTI General] NFJ's and fitting

ColonelGadaafi

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2008
Messages
773
MBTI Type
ESTJ
Enneagram
Si
Something i've noticed from NFJ's is their urge to fit in. This urge is not apparent in their P equvalients. While this is understandble considering the fact that they use Fe, but i still can't grasp why exactly, that this function is drive to that goal..

Can anyone elaborate?.
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,908
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
8w9
I think it's less about fitting in and more about making people around them feel comfortable and harmonious. They want to make situations so much so they could drive people away. That causes guilt and in turn causes the NFJ to ignore their own feelings or needs. That would cause them to try even harder to fit in or at least it would appear that way.
 

invaderzim

New member
Joined
Oct 4, 2008
Messages
65
MBTI Type
INFJ
^^^This is true. I want everyone to get along or at least be civil to one another. Whats the point in being hostile or a douche to another? People rarely change. But I think everyone should get along in the "moment" and respect each others boundaries. And if you don't like certain people's personalities then ignore them. Unless confrontation is unavoidable, then one quick, brutal "crushing"/ airing of their insecurities is enough to get your point across. But I hate endless drama, it messes with my moods.

My desire for social haramony is self serving. I'm like a litmus for human emotion. I have a hyper sensitivity to facial expressions, mannerisms, and motives. I've bluntly told people what I thought they were up to, when I got a bad feeling about their future actions....and they just had this wide-eyed look of horror that I could see through them. I hate "knowing" people are going to do bad stuff. I hate being able to see through people's bull crap. But I hate it even more when people believe I'm too stupidly "nice" to know what they are up to. It's just the idealist in me I want to believe that people will do the right thing. But even when you make it impossible for some people to do the wrong thing, they still find a way screw it up or try to screw some else over.

When "the group" is in harmony and I really get a chance to understand people, I am feeling sooo good inside. It sends good vibrations through my soul. Now, I can act as crazy or silly as I want. If some one is in crisis, oh crAP. I can feel it too. I'm there with them I can empathize. I can't stop thinking about: What if I was in that situation? I feel sick inside. I have to help you.

In general, I don't want to fit in. Most of the time, I feel indifferent to everyone. Everyone gets the same "generic" brand of my niceness. You're only close to an NFJ when they "explode" on you and your still friends afterward. Only people I'm close to see my dark moody/cynical side. I'll be the first person to wander off and disappear by myself. Most of the time, I don't even want to be bothered with people. Unless, I'm giving them advice or trying to help them understand themselves. Otherwise, I like to be left alone.
(Except on that rare occasion, i meet someone so fascinating I have to be around them---ENFP:wubbie:)
 

whimsical

New member
Joined
Feb 27, 2009
Messages
351
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
4
It's not about fitting in. Like said above it's wanting everyone to feel comfortable around them. We really love to be in harmony with everyone around us, and if there is just 1 person we have conflict with, we will not feel right.

Fe is all about connecting with other people and making them feel good about themselves. We aim to avoid hurting people at all costs. That's why we're usually quite gentle, calm, and mannered, because we know that these things make others around us feel comfortable.
 

Lookin4theBestNU

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
801
MBTI Type
ENFj
Enneagram
2w3
I'm pretty sure I quit "trying to fit in" about the time I graduated second grade. Whatever it is you observed on NFJ behavior I believe you jumped to an incorrect conclusion.
 

the state i am in

Active member
Joined
Feb 12, 2009
Messages
2,475
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
we derive more subjective meaning, value, emotional response in our connections with others than in our inherent(-seeming) introverted Fi values, beliefs, impressions, senses of self. we shape-shift more, constantly refining ways of creating impressions of ourselves that will communicate something to others, who are constantly changing based on context, social activities, new faces, etc.

our emotions are located more on the in-between. the relationship we have toward the world and vice versa, more than what we just in our heart of hearts KNOW (Fi).
 

Moiety

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Aug 3, 2008
Messages
5,996
MBTI Type
ISFJ
J conforms and promotes conformity, that's why it's evil.
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
Enneagram
4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
J conforms and promotes conformity, that's why it's evil.

But it only wants to love you... come closer... clooooserrrr...
 

Lightyear

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Jul 3, 2008
Messages
899
I tend to get along with people easily, I am just simply not a very confrontational person. But on the inside I am pretty independent, I have my own opinons but I don't necessarily air them, I do my own thing but I don't shout or argue about it.

So as the above posters have said it might seem like we try to fit in but we are just trying to build bridges and make people get along with each other but that doesn't keep us from being very opinionated and strong-willed once you look a bit deeper.
 

Skyward

Badoom~
Joined
Jul 3, 2008
Messages
1,084
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
9w1
I'm not saying to myself: "Okay, time to fit in!" but "Time to not make a fool of myself and make people uncomfortable!" :doh:
 

the state i am in

Active member
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Messages
2,475
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infj
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5w4
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sx/sp
J conforms and promotes conformity, that's why it's evil.

seriously? nfj promotes communication/community. there's a difference. we didn't invent the a-bomb.

many of us are masters of form and dialect. we are shape-shifters and chameleons. we ourselves are often in between one form and the next, shedding old skins and growing new ones.

j takes in new information too, it is just more directed and focused. j focuses and p does the opposite. haven't we figured this out? this is what judging is, pairing down to a verdict, weighing, etc. we do this externally vs internally, watch the results/outcomes present all around us, etc.

but yes Je/extraverted judging probably does have more desire to harmonize and mobilize, commune and conquer. so there is that. march! it likes to connect with the world outside of itself, to merge, to blend its will with that of the world. and as such it IS more OUTWARDLY judgmental. but it can listen too and admit when it is wrong, when it needs help, when it needs to give in and move on to something new, better, more pure. when it itself needs to change.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
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May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
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INFJ
Wow, invaderzim says a lot of things I really identify with. People often believe we are too stupidly "nice" (that is such an insulting word) to know what is going on under the surface. It's very true that we give off a generic niceness to make everyone feel comfortable and make things work. That is a very uninteresting mode to operate in all the time though, which is why I think INFJs anyway do not enjoy large groups of people. That and there are too many people's emotions/opinions and interactions to be concerned with.

I think about the people that I trust enough or care enough about to get angry at, honest with or cry in front of and still carry on the friendship and they are the people that are in my inner circle. At first glance it may seem like we are just being picky or mean with you and not with other people, but is actually a significant compliment. We like you well enough to show you who we really are and trust that you will understand and behave respectfully.

There is one sense that could be perceived as being concerned with fitting in. That is a fear of social rejection and hypersensitivity to any signs of not being wanted. My internal filter for what I say is turned up much higher the larger the group or the less I have in common with them and so I overrehearse what I want to say or how I am going to interact or choose not to even go to the social event. Often if I make myself bother to go, I have fun, but need some sense of comfort with the situation. I also am interested in how other people perceive me. Because I don't express my opinion unless it is solicited and respectfully received, many people think that I agree with them or that I am different than I really am. Sometimes I think it is funny how people see me, but sometimes I am frustrated that they think that the polite exterior is all that is there. INFJs are quite opinionated in some regards, but most people never bother to find out what they think because they are good listeners.
 

amelie

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May 23, 2009
Messages
110
MBTI Type
XNFJ
Because I don't express my opinion unless it is solicited and respectfully received, many people think that I agree with them or that I am different than I really am. Sometimes I think it is funny how people see me, but sometimes I am frustrated that they think that the polite exterior is all that is there. INFJs are quite opinionated in some regards, but most people never bother to find out what they think because they are good listeners.

Yes, agreed.

One thing that is irritating to me is that I'm just being polite to people and not wanting to hurt them, and they take it as me being a close friend to them. It's amazing to me how I can reveal very little of myself, and suddenly someone with poor boundaries will assume that we are of like minds. Ick.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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Messages
14,037
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ISFP
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496
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sp/sx
"Fitting in" seems more like a myth for most anyone. I see fitting in as knowing how to reshape your public image to appear more like a norm. I have some doubts as to whether or not people in general ever "feel" like they belong.

If I say "I don't fit in", i typically mean that my thoughts and motivations tend to be misperceived and/or not particularly valued. It tends to be associated with a feeling of not being able to contribute something of value because the raw materials of myself are not particularly seen as useful in the context.

If i were to fit in, I think it would feel like those around me were predisposed to not judging me in a negative light. I am going to a Scifi convention with my Sweety in August, and I might just get a little of that vibe. :yay:
 
Last edited:

Ruthie

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Jun 3, 2009
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436
MBTI Type
?
Non-conformity just seems so passe. What is there to rebel against when rebellion is the only thing universally admired? I may not always naturally fit in, but I also don't get a boost of noble authenticity from viewing myself as fundamentally different from most other people. It's just pointlessly isolating.
 

the state i am in

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Communities are evil. There ;)

Give me freedom to run naked on the streets of Cairo people!

much of the reason you want to do this (run! be free!) is based on the values of the community that you want to use to define yourself, relate to, transgress, etc. you are nothing without community and these actions would be meaningless. have fun scratching tally marks on trees in your own little silent film. or perhaps playing the "maverick" in the next political thriller. next.

with that said, next time you run thru the streets of cairo naked, bring me along. it sounds like fun :D
 

Decon

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Aug 11, 2008
Messages
61
MBTI Type
INFj
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9w1
I agree with this. More so the chameleon part the state mentioned. My aunt told me that she could see my a skate park the way I was dressed at the moment. But she also said that she could see me running around wearing a suit and tie and hang with the buisness crowd.
 
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