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[MBTI General] How to deal with thinkers emotional blocked-ness?

simulatedworld

Freshman Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2008
Messages
5,552
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Don't try to force him into admitting vulnerability. Most INTx guys I know are particularly afraid of external shows of emotion, and especially of open shows of emotional vulnerability. If you try to force it, they just retreat further and further into super-logic mode.

This isn't terribly uncommon for ENTs either, but I tend to think they grow out of it a little bit quicker because they need interpersonal connection more than INTs do.
 

Salomé

meh
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
10,527
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
My bf is an INTP and very emotionally blocked. It was fine with me for a quick minute, but now it's starting to strain the relationship a bit. :doh::BangHead:
Should I just ask him to try to open up a bit more, or wait it out a little more? (we've been together for about 3 months)
...
Well, see the thing is, he can tell me what he's feeling, but it's just so strange in the way he does it...like he's not really feeling it at all.

You're very judgmental. Three months in and you're banging your head because he isn't writing you nightly sonnets? Doesn't bode well.....
 

Magic Poriferan

^He pronks, too!
Joined
Nov 4, 2007
Messages
14,081
MBTI Type
Yin
Enneagram
One
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I have a very hard time expressing emotions or admiting personal things in front of people. I can only do it if I've built a sense of intimacy with someone. Intimacy requires trust, and which takes a long time.

I should also say that if someone presses me to open up, I tighten up more (in the short term and the long term). If you press for the response when I'm not ready, I just get annoyed, and even suspicious. Trust will actually reduce at that point, and you'd be further away from your goal.
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,908
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
8w9
I have a very hard time expressing emotions or admiting personal things in front of people. I can only do it if I've built a sense of intimacy with someone. Intimacy requires trust, and which takes a long time.

I should also say that if someone presses me to open up, I tighten up more (in the short term and the long term). If you press for the response when I'm not ready, I just get annoyed, and even suspicious. Trust will actually reduce at that point, and you'd be further away from your goal.

:yes:
 

Azseroffs

New member
Joined
Feb 23, 2009
Messages
417
MBTI Type
ENTj
Enneagram
5w4
I remember my first girlfriend in HS..

She just kept pushing me to express myself to her. It wasn't enough that I showed her I cared, she somehow felt like I didn't because I never expressed it. When she asked me to express myself to her, I couldn't because I honesty didn't have a lot to express. She started being a bitch on purpose to test me(I didn't know at the time) until I just exploded. She came out and told me that all she wanted was an emotional reaction and was happy that I got so pissed. Needless to say, I thought she was crazy, and our relationship declined afterward, but I have been more in touch with myself ever since that relationship so it wasn't all bad.

moral: Don't keep pushing him to open up emotionally.

If you want him to warm up to you, you have to connect with him on an intellectual level. I've heard it put that love starts with the head and moves to the heart for us. I think it's very true.
 

jenocyde

half mystic, half skeksis
Joined
Jan 2, 2009
Messages
6,387
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w8
I remember my first girlfriend in HS..

She just kept pushing me to express myself to her. It wasn't enough that I showed her I cared, she somehow felt like I didn't because I never expressed it. When she asked me to express myself to her, I couldn't because I honesty didn't have a lot to express. She started being a bitch on purpose to test me(I didn't know at the time) until I just exploded. She came out and told me that all she wanted was an emotional reaction and was happy that I got so pissed. Needless to say, I thought she was crazy, and our relationship declined afterward, but I have been more in touch with myself ever since that relationship so it wasn't all bad.

moral: Don't keep pushing him to open up emotionally.

If you want him to warm up to you, you have to connect with him on an intellectual level. I've heard it put that love starts with the head and moves to the heart for us. I think it's very true.

Oh, how you are singing sweetly to the choir!

It is so hard being a female NT, and being expected to want all those things. And how hard it is to be looked at with such condescension and apprehension when I couldn't be "that" girl. All the things I do to show my love mean nothing unless I can say the words. I punished myself for so long because I really thought I was incapable of emotional expression, but now I realize that emotional expression is just one of the many ways in which we deal with life. I can't even tell you how many times I faked the funk upon receiving flowers, sonnets and all that other bullshit - when all I really wanted was someone to challenge and inspire me. Still waiting...
 

Serendipity

the Dark Prophet of Kualu
Joined
Mar 24, 2009
Messages
852
MBTI Type
RAD
Add some LSD and convince them that humanity isn't made up by robots.
Then you might actually see some tears.

Nowadays, I'm fucking paranoid about robots. -.-'''


EDIT: Is this just slightly out of topic or not? Feel free to flame written lines.
 
G

garbage

Guest
could u please stop describing not being an emo as some sort of terrible flaw?

please?

I think you're actually right, to a certain extent.

The fact of the matter is that NT's function differently. They're not going to show the strong emotions that an NF might be used to dealing with, and we can't exactly treat that as a flaw.


Think about what you can do differently. Perhaps analyze his actions and words, and interpret his emotions from those rather than looking for an intense outward display.

As somewhat of a subdued F (I guess), I sometimes drive other feelers crazy because I don't have the same outward emotional intensity that they do. And as an F at all, I sometimes get really, really impatient when I can't figure out how someone else is feeling :doh:
 

seeker22

New member
Joined
Apr 14, 2009
Messages
173
MBTI Type
XNTJ
I am an ENFP and share this same struggle with an INTP. (And btw I am only a slight F and have well developed T - so I can only imagine how this must impact someone who scores even higher on F)!

We have AMAZING and PALPABLE chemistry intellectually and sexually (clearly apparent to even outsiders who say they can see and feel our smoldering intensity good God) - we can engage in witty banter and talk with one another for literally hours upon end. And yes, the physical/sexual chemistry is out of this world. We both agree on this.

The problem? After these wonderfully intense rendezvous, the INTP WITHDRAWS. Usually for a couple of days at a time, during which I have NO idea what she is thinking or feeling. I initially thought she was playing games with me or something, blowing so hot and cold. After a looonnggg time, she has finally admitted she has feelings, but her own feelings scare her, and although she craves them (and me) - she also has to withdraw because of the intensity.

WTF INTPs?! LOL!! I guess I just want to know then - how can you tell if an INTP likes you when they don't like to talk about feelings??! Does this person truly care for me, or is it just lust and mental stimulation?! I cannot tell...
 

Costrin

rawr
Joined
Nov 1, 2008
Messages
2,320
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
5w4
WTF INTPs?! LOL!! I guess I just want to know then - how can you tell if an INTP likes you when they don't like to talk about feelings??! Does this person truly care for me, or is it just lust and mental stimulation?! I cannot tell...

She likes you. This is evident by how she spends time with you, and especially if she's said it outright. We don't say things like that lightly.

But extraverting, especially of an emotional nature, drain us. So we need time to recharge. A long time, as you've seen. She isn't trying to hurt you, but we need plenty of time to ourselves.
 

ring the bell

New member
Joined
Jun 10, 2008
Messages
332
I am an ENFP and share this same struggle with an INTP. (And btw I am only a slight F and have well developed T - so I can only imagine how this must impact someone who scores even higher on F)!

We have AMAZING and PALPABLE chemistry intellectually and sexually (clearly apparent to even outsiders who say they can see and feel our smoldering intensity good God) - we can engage in witty banter and talk with one another for literally hours upon end. And yes, the physical/sexual chemistry is out of this world. We both agree on this.

The problem? After these wonderfully intense rendezvous, the INTP WITHDRAWS. Usually for a couple of days at a time, during which I have NO idea what she is thinking or feeling. I initially thought she was playing games with me or something, blowing so hot and cold. After a looonnggg time, she has finally admitted she has feelings, but her own feelings scare her, and although she craves them (and me) - she also has to withdraw because of the intensity.

WTF INTPs?! LOL!! I guess I just want to know then - how can you tell if an INTP likes you when they don't like to talk about feelings??! Does this person truly care for me, or is it just lust and mental stimulation?! I cannot tell...

She probably really cares for you a lot. you just can't fake that sort of chemistry and I'm certain she feels it just intensly. But you mention rendevous and I saw your posting on a different thread about this too. If you told her from the start you weren't able to go there towards a relationship, she's not going to cross that line. if you addressed her in a way that makes it non threatening, and just lead with how you feel, you will probably get good results. She's probably just doing everything she can to protect her inner domain, though it's already been crossed into with her interaction with you.
 

Tiny Army

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Jan 12, 2009
Messages
679
MBTI Type
EN?P
Enneagram
7
INTPs do a lot of shit to show you they care. ENFPs are really good at making people feel incredibly cherished and cared for but it just plain unfair to expect this kind of emotional attentiveness from NTs.

There is actually an example of this in one of the Kiersey books (I'll get the book from my roomate when he gets home and post the reference) where an INTP wife calls every night while away on a business trip. She asks her ENFP husband how everything is; how the kids are, did he pay the bills because they were due yesterday, how the situation is with that coworker he doesn't get along with and he eventually asks "Well, aren't you going to tell us you love us?".

As far as the INTP was concerned, she WAS telling them she loved them. She was trying to ascertain logically what their needs were and ensuring that those needs were met. If your INTP is showing what seems to be a genuine interest in you when you are together, chances are they probably like you. So keep up whatever it is you're doing and don't stress out about what she is feeling. Plus, you can always just ask her but if you do remember to give her a couple of days to come up with the answer. INTPs need time alone to asses their feelings about anything and additional pressure will just set them back.
 

seeker22

New member
Joined
Apr 14, 2009
Messages
173
MBTI Type
XNTJ
Thank you, everybody. =)

It can be tough for my ENFP "powers" to decipher! My (N)Intuition is extremely well developed - and tells me she likes me. But, my (F)Feelings tell me she doesn't - because my feelings say something like "if she truly liked me, she would want to spend more time with me - she wouldn't be able to help herself!" Turns out, she CAN help herself!! LOL! And, fittingly, she is EXTREMELY protective of her personal time!

And yes, the times she has scratched the surface of her emotions, PANIC ensued... As if she felt an overwhelming sense of vulnerability... That she needed to flee.

She says she wants freedom to date others... but doesn't. The ONE time she did it never went anywhere and she came back to me. She said it was "boring." Would an INTP take up with another type where the emotional intensity wasn't so high, just to get relief?? I'm trying to understand the mixed messages. It's almost like she is afraid I will take away her autonomy if she says she wants to date just me.

I guess she has a funny way of showing she likes me.

My assumptions are/were:

1) IF she liked me, THEN she wouldn't say she wants to date others and wants me to feel free to also.

2) IF she liked me, THEN she would not withdraw after encounters of strong connection.
 

seeker22

New member
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Apr 14, 2009
Messages
173
MBTI Type
XNTJ
Ruffled - I see your point. We both told each other we weren't ready for anything serious. But did we really mean it?! I'm beginning to wonder. Maybe we both just need to lay it on the line. We are both in self protection mode. She always says things to me like "I can't believe you like me, you are out of my league, are you just using me, you are going to leave me for someone more attractive etc." She won't believe I like her!
 

Costrin

rawr
Joined
Nov 1, 2008
Messages
2,320
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
5w4
My assumptions are/were:

1) IF she liked me, THEN she wouldn't say she wants to date others and wants me to feel free to also.

Not sure on this one. We are big on autonomy. It could be that she isn't sure of her feelings yet. However, the fact that she even seriously considers you means she likes you. But she is probably confused as to how much she does, and what she wants to do with her life, and all that stuff. I think the only solution to this is to just give her time.

2) IF she liked me, THEN she would not withdraw after encounters of strong connection.

That's a horribly bad assumption.
 

Tiny Army

New member
Joined
Jan 12, 2009
Messages
679
MBTI Type
EN?P
Enneagram
7
Aw man, labels ain't even important. You get to spend time with her (albeit not as much time as you would like but lets face it, we extroverts need pretty much constant attention and stimulation) and it seems you two really enjoy talking to one another. You seem to be doing fine! Just keep it up until she's more comfortable and then bring it up.

Welcome to the ENFPs dating INTPs club. It is time to sack up and find something to do to pass the time while your INTP is in her Ti cave (I joined this forum for pretty much this exact reason).
 

ring the bell

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Jun 10, 2008
Messages
332
Ruffled - I see your point. We both told each other we weren't ready for anything serious. But did we really mean it?! I'm beginning to wonder. Maybe we both just need to lay it on the line. We are both in self protection mode. She always says things to me like "I can't believe you like me, you are out of my league, are you just using me, you are going to leave me for someone more attractive etc." She won't believe I like her!

You can always tell her "Hey, I want to talk about my feelings for you". Give her forwarning so she is prepared for the conversation. She is as intuitive as you but she will go with what you have said outright. You might as well just say outright what you really feel. If you are still present i her world, she wants you there.
 

seeker22

New member
Joined
Apr 14, 2009
Messages
173
MBTI Type
XNTJ
You guys are all making me giggle because you sooooo "get it." =)

Very true on if she didnt want me in her world, I would not be there. She is extremely selective about who she will spend time with, much less return phone calls. When she does do her withdrawal thing - she won't even respond to texts - there is like a 24 - 48 hr lag time if she even bothers to respond...
All of my other friends always respond right away so it's a different experience for me - I have had to learn not to take it personally.

And yes, we E's have to learn what to do with ourselves when the I's in our lives need their hermit cave time! Thank you for all the support. I'm just going to continue letting her set the pace and not read too much into what I perceive as her lack of "pursuit" of me. She does not keep many people in her personal orbit so I recognize I am lucky to even be there - much less be told that she DOES have feelings for me - intense feelings that scare her.
 

seeker22

New member
Joined
Apr 14, 2009
Messages
173
MBTI Type
XNTJ
Ruffled - excellent point on both of us having high intuition (we both intuit the other likes us), yet also both stating something outright (we don't want anything serious) that confuses the situation! INTPs will definitely go by whatever has been said OUTRIGHT as far as I can tell - even despite all other signs pointing to how big of a crush we have on each other.
 
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