[MBTI General] Gonna meet up with an ESFJ.

[Cronkle]

Am I doomed?

I've heard that we may not understand each other (N v. S), but we got along swimmingly on the phone.

I'm not 100% about her type, how can I tell?

 

[Shinzon]

I dated an ESFJ for many years so I can probably help you, however your question is a bit too open ended and I'm having a hard time collecting all of the experiences floating around in my head into a list of character traits. Perhaps you can tell me about her and I'll tell you if she matches my experience.

As for the doomed bit, it was a fiery, passionate relationship with a lot of fighting and a lot of making up. She was a bit more image conscious than I liked and there was a definite element of seeing me as sort of a trophy to show off. She was a lot more open about me to other people than I liked. I'm a private person and she had a habit of blabbing my crazy to everyone and embarrassing me.

 

[Cronkle]

I've heard that the intuitive talking style doesn't always get along with the sensing style.

What personality characteristics stick out for ESFJ you dated?

 

[Shinzon]

I've heard that the intuitive talking style doesn't always get along with the sensing style.

How well a sensor and and intuitive will communicate in a relationship depends on the intuitive. My ESFJ was almost totally incapable of having what I would consider a deep conversation. I mean, she tried very hard to get on my level, but fell short every time. She did find me fascinating to listen to though.

Basically, if you can take endless gossip about other people, talk about her job and her family and little feedback on intellectual topics than it wont be a problem. Some intuitives have a hard time with this though.

I remember her being more trendy than i liked too. She would listen to bands just because they were popular and such.

 

[Cronkle]

What attracted you to her then? What did she fulfill in you?

^^question like these would probably scare an ESFJ, wouldn't they ;]

 

[Shinzon]

What attracted you to her then? What did she fulfill in you?

^^question like these would probably scare an ESFJ, wouldn't they ;]

Oh no, one of the areas we were defiantly compatible was our emotional openness with each other. We could talk endlessly about the relationship, how we made the other feel, etc.

We also connected on a values level. We'd often react to a given situation in a similar way and we were able to laugh at the same quirks we'd notice in other people. She was extremely supportive and put up with me during some of the darkest times of my life.

She was also very playful with me, we had an infinite number of inside jokes and little games we'd play together. Though I feel like it was on my shoulders to innovate the new games and jokes, she loved being playful with me regardless.

She was very physical. If your ESFJ is like mine was expect A LOT of sex and seductive sensuality. She also loved to have her back rubbed.

 

[Cronkle]

How did you talk if it was intuitive vs. sensing? It seems like you would bump heads.

It'd be nice to connect on a values level :]]]]]

P.S. I'm a damn romantic; I love the stuff!

 

[Shinzon]

How did you talk if it was intuitive vs. sensing? It seems like you would bump heads.

It'd be nice to connect on a values level :]]]]]

P.S. I'm a damn romantic; I love the stuff!

We kind of had a weird mentor/mentee dynamic in the relationship. She would vent all of her problems to me and I would help her work through them. So a lot of our conversations were along those lines. Like I said, she would listen intently as I would ramble on about whatever my N was fixated on that day and she would often let what I said mold her view of the world. When I got to preaching about all the things wrong with the world and how I would fix them she would incorporate parts of those solutions into herself.

I think one of the problems we had though was one of jealousy. She really wanted to be as creative and effortlessly talented at so many things like I was and it would make her feel less about herself. Everything she was good at, I was better so I became some sort of unobtainable image of perfection from which she would always fall short.

As for how I dealt with the N/S divide? I didn't. It was probably one of the things that ended the relationship; after awhile she bored me. This is not to say that all sensors and all intuitives should not date or are doomed to failure. It depends on the sensor. I'm with an ISFJ currently and she is much more capable of satisfying my need for N conversation while other ISFJs I've met would be completely lost.

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

OMG YER DEAD.

 

[Domino]

Don't you have enough primary Fe, young man!? *shakes a finger*

 

[nightning]

You're putting too much emphasis on type and not enough on the things you share interests with her.

Why should face to face be any different than on the phone in terms of understanding the other? I think it's just nerves talking.

 

[the state i am in]

shinzon you describe my experience perfectly.

i could see it working better for an infj than an enfj. the emotional openness and intensity of esfj warms us up really easily. my attraction to an esfj i know is that she gets into my space, just like glides in really playfully, is really physically affectionate, thaws me out almost immediately. i can be in a pissy mood and she'll just nudge me out of it immediately. bring me back to earth. the physical excitement and energy between us is ALWAYS high.

i find that infj is really helpful at balancing things for esfj, who is very scattered and diffuse. Ti is their inferior and i'm a guru when it comes to deconstructing ideas people are afraid to tangle with. i can nudge her out of bad thinking as effortlessly as she can nudge me out of bad feeling. not to mention she is excellent at holding down the fort, taking care of practical things, being responsible and reliable, whereas i am decidedly NOT.

i probably am more concerned with image than her, so it works similarly to how shinzon mentioned but in reverse. i am more focused on self-definition, on adopting cultural expressions that fit my experiences, ideals, beliefs. as such i generally am endorsing aspects of the cultural margins prizing independence, creativity, experimentation. gimme somethin' fresh! she sings beautifully but she doesn't care about what it means only how singing itself makes her feel. this at times annoys me, at other times her example frees me from my hyper-judgmentalism.

meaning is an abstract area where we do not AT ALL meet in the middle. symbolic understanding is not her forte, and it is where i spend most of my life. i love that she takes me out of that, but it can be frustrating knowing you can't show someone else where you really are on the map.

for enfj and esfj the crux of the relationship/attraction is that you both share the same dominant and inferior. as such there is a big initial punch to the interaction, you both deeply get how the other works, can communicate very powerfully in your default language (affect! physical gestures! flirtation! etc). but it won't pull you apart and stretch you in new ways, and your Ni playfulness is often more of a novelty depending on her balance of sensing and intuition (in her case aux Si and ter Ne). which can be wildlly different and dependent on individual development, cultural experience, etc.

in my experience she'll like it (Ni) but it will be like, you'll just be hitting random areas of nonsense and noise that will be fun and amusing and quirky, whereas someone more intuitive would be excited, the connections made and discovered are impregnated with meaning, are like bombs detonating, etc. which is really fun for highly developed intuitives (god how we loooove to talk, write stories, challenge each other, etc). it depends tho, i know isfps who have pretty damn good tertiary Ni and who i feel like we have a weird satellite mental connection when we are together. development, context, experience, and particularity are key.

 

[Cronkle]

You're putting too much emphasis on type and not enough on the things you share interests with her.

Why should face to face be any different than on the phone in terms of understanding the other? I think it's just nerves talking.

Why I rationals.