[INFJ] Hello INFJs, I was just wondering...

[Samvega]

Somebody has to be the finance company. Meaning, if a person wants to buy a car they can't afford i.e. they're willing to make a bad decision, get in too deep or put themselves in a bad spot it's the finance company that will step up and say no. Now of course they're looking after their own best interests but both parties come out better off even if one doesn't always see it that way.

I tend to often times be the finance company in life and with such high Ti and low Fe that's fine with me. I know how this may not be as easy for a xF however I think it's something you need to do if he's not getting the hint. Meaning, if a girl kept being persistent with me about liking me or wanting to date and I wasn't feeling it I would cut off the friendship to spare their feelings. I have done this more than once as a tend to be a flirt and it would be hard to be friends with me if you liked me as I would seemingly send many signals that would be confusing.

As for the three year thing. I tend to have a HUGE friend zone and toss people there freely, often and normally VERY quickly. This is like the huge sand trap you can't get out of. If somebody wasn't alright being there I would stop talking to them within a couple weeks. That is if they still wanted me after I was open about all my flaws because that would just make me think they were honestly insane stalkers!

 

[Costrin]

@sanveane: I’ve said “I can’t like you,” without a smile. Does that count? And I have not dated anyone else. I’m still a bit immature, I’m afraid Plus I’m painfully shy…

That sorta implies that you would want to like him, but can't. Which of course may only make them try harder.

@Blackcat: Thank you for sharing your story.
He called it “love” too…

It's not love. Or probably not. I know this from personal experience unfortunately.

Btw, everytime I see this thread, I see Costrin's avatar and it makes me want to feed her a burger or something. i just had to get that out.

OM NOM NOM

 

[violaine]

That sorta implies that you would want to like him, but can't. Which of course may only make them try harder.

Exactly. It isn't clear enough. If it is hard for you in person, can you write him an email? I can imagine that if you are painfully shy you probably can't see yourself saying the words "I don't like you" and crushing someone like that.

...There is definitely a way to be rid of his affections but it means you will have to be firm with him. I would think about how little he seems to be taking your feelings into account as a way to be ok with that.

 

[MrME]

the OP's an IxFP, of course she doesn't want to hurt the INFJ's feelings, and that is a noble goal.

I wasn't going to jump to this conclusion. For all we know the INFJ is teetering on suicide, and the OP doesn't want to drive him over the edge. That's why I asked.

@MrME: He’s my friend and plus another friend of mine kept telling me to stop hurting him (I also tried being mean to get him to stop liking me…but it had an opposite effect!) and now I’m lost.

If he's harboring feelings for you and he's obsessing, then he could very well see you on a pedestal. Realize that if he's crushing on you, he's already hurting. Your words may not convince him, and if so, you're going to have to hurt him very badly to get the message across. You have to force him to confront his feelings for you.

Speaking as an INFJ who's had his fair share of similar experiences, even finding a boy/girlfriend may not deter him. You're probably going to have to cut him off in order to get the message across. As long as you want to hang out with him, that will provide him with confirmation that you're still "a possibility." And as long as he has you on a pedestal, it will be difficult for him to see real opportunities with other people.

If you don't do this, eventually he will probably come around, but it may not be for a very, very long time ... and in the long run it'll be more painful for him to harbor this crush. In the long run, you could be doing him a great favor by cutting him off and forcing him to confront his feelings for you.

If you do decide to cut him off, it's all or nothing, no going back. If you go back, that will provide him with even stronger evidence that you're "a possibility."

Also realize that he may resent you, regardless of whether he breaks his crush now or in five more years.

*Please note this is advice from somebody who is not there nor knows the entire situation. If you need more personal advice, you might ask somebody else closer to the sitaution.

 

[Skyward]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Von Mittendorf View Post
the OP's an IxFP, of course she doesn't want to hurt the INFJ's feelings, and that is a noble goal.
I wasn't going to jump to this conclusion. For all we know the INFJ is teetering on suicide, and the OP doesn't want to drive him over the edge. That's why I asked.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zrenn
@MrME: He’s my friend and plus another friend of mine kept telling me to stop hurting him (I also tried being mean to get him to stop liking me…but it had an opposite effect!) and now I’m lost.
If he's harboring feelings for you and he's obsessing, then he could very well see you on a pedestal. Realize that if he's crushing on you, he's already hurting. Your words may not convince him, and if so, you're going to have to hurt him very badly to get the message across. You have to force him to confront his feelings for you.

Speaking as an INFJ who's had his fair share of similar experiences, even finding a boy/girlfriend may not deter him. You're probably going to have to cut him off in order to get the message across. As long as you want to hang out with him, that will provide him with confirmation that you're still "a possibility." And as long as he has you on a pedestal, it will be difficult for him to see real opportunities with other people.

If you don't do this, eventually he will probably come around, but it may not be for a very, very long time ... and in the long run it'll be more painful for him to harbor this crush. In the long run, you could be doing him a great favor by cutting him off and forcing him to confront his feelings for you.

If you do decide to cut him off, it's all or nothing, no going back. If you go back, that will provide him with even stronger evidence that you're "a possibility."

Also realize that he may resent you, regardless of whether he breaks his crush now or in five more years.

*Please note this is advice from somebody who is not there nor knows the entire situation. If you need more personal advice, you might ask somebody else closer to the sitaution.

+1

Ni is one of the most obsessive of the functions (Si is the only other one that can compete), with Fe to add fire behind it... Aren't INFJs one of the types most likely to develop OCD-type disorders?

 

[something boring]

I you want a more direct, more likely to work method that will probably hurt their feelings, is to just up and say "This isn't going to happen, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. And if you don't accept that we really can't hang out, it's just gonna be awkward."

I like this one. Hurtful, maybe, but it's the truth. This would work if it were me.

 

[Zrenn]

Wowie, thank you all again for your responses.

I have tried asking people close to me. They all replied with "I don't know," or "just be normal. Time will change his feelings," and then they tell me that he still likes me and that I'm being insensitive towards him. Ick

But he did tell one of my friends that he knows it's hopeless and that he's not going to do anything. Now, should I still confront him? Or just start distancing myself right away without a moment's notice?

 

[Costrin]

Wowie, thank you all again for your responses.

I have tried asking people close to me. They all replied with "I don't know," or "just be normal. Time will change his feelings," and then they tell me that he still likes me and that I'm being insensitive towards him. Ick

Your friends give bad advice.

But he did tell one of my friends that he knows it's hopeless and that he's not going to do anything. Now, should I still confront him? Or just start distancing myself right away without a moment's notice?

Well, I'd confront him, and tell him that you are going to distance yourself from him. He can either accept that or not, but its going to happen. If you don't tell him, there would be more ambiguity, more room for interpretation and confusion that he could latch onto.

 

[Immaculate Cloud]

Wowie, thank you all again for your responses.

I have tried asking people close to me. They all replied with "I don't know," or "just be normal. Time will change his feelings," and then they tell me that he still likes me and that I'm being insensitive towards him. Ick

But he did tell one of my friends that he knows it's hopeless and that he's not going to do anything. Now, should I still confront him? Or just start distancing myself right away without a moment's notice?

Hmm, speaking from the point of view of an INFJ - confronting would be nice, as in, putting the final nail in the coffin. He'll be miserable for a time but INFJ's like closure, so, he'll move on eventually but for you, you'll also be able to look back and say, 'that was the thing that finally did it'.

Now, if HE himself is already taking steps to distance himself even before you go confront, that is good, matters have been taken out of your hand. The INFJ will feel like he is reclaiming his life and feelings back. You'll still have a special place - as in, great parenthesis in his life - but he has to move on and therefore he is taking steps on his own.

Again that is my point of view - an INFJ who has had to wean out of some form of limerence by sitting down, pushing emotions aside and looking at the cold hard FACTS.

 

[MrME]

But he did tell one of my friends that he knows it's hopeless and that he's not going to do anything. Now, should I still confront him? Or just start distancing myself right away without a moment's notice?

Phew, the possibilities here are endless, really. He could just be saying that out of feelings he was having at the moment. He could be saying that in the hopes it would get back to you, and you would have a change of heart upon learning how much "you're" hurting him. He could actually mean it and is trying to separate himself from you. Hard to say.

From my experience ... his words spell gloom and doom, and he probably won't actually act upon his feelings if he says he won't, but deep down he's probably hoping you'll suddenly turn around and see him for what he "truly is" and the clouds will open up and angels will descend from Heaven, etc., etc.

Have any of your friends told him -- directly and very bluntly -- that his inability to move on is driving a wedge into your friendship?

 

[Zrenn]

Have any of your friends told him -- directly and very bluntly -- that his inability to move on is driving a wedge into your friendship?

No, I don't believe they have. I'm supposed to pretend I don't know...I don't think he knows that i know, for the matter. Or if he does, then...I don't know.

And he has been pretty gloomy lately. The last time I spoke with him, sometimes last week, he was complaining about how friends come and go and that it's useless to invest in them.

Would tomorrow not be a good time to confront him? Hmmm...

 

[Winds of Thor]

Hmm, speaking from the point of view of an INFJ - confronting would be nice, as in, putting the final nail in the coffin. He'll be miserable for a time but INFJ's like closure, so, he'll move on eventually but for you, you'll also be able to look back and say, 'that was the thing that finally did it'.

Now, if HE himself is already taking steps to distance himself even before you go confront, that is good, matters have been taken out of your hand. The INFJ will feel like he is reclaiming his life and feelings back. You'll still have a special place - as in, great parenthesis in his life - but he has to move on and therefore he is taking steps on his own.

Again that is my point of view - an INFJ who has had to wean out of some form of limerence by sitting down, pushing emotions aside and looking at the cold hard FACTS.

This thread smells of destruction. Sorry but it had to be said.

 

[Zrenn]

This thread smells of destruction. Sorry but it had to be said.

Whoever smelt it, dealt it?

 

[Winds of Thor]

Whoever smelt it, dealt it?

Need I say more..

 

[Zrenn]

Need I say more..

Yes. Hehehe. Sorry but I don't get it...

 

[Winds of Thor]

Yes. Hehehe. Sorry but I don't get it...

I really would just roll with it..

 

[Zrenn]

I really would just roll with it..

Fine...fine...*mutters*

 

[Costrin]

Fine...fine...*mutters*

You gave up too early. You were tricked. Because your opponent had an air of confidence, you doubted yourself, and your opponent was able to take advantage of the opening to fool you into surrendering.

 

[Zrenn]

You gave up too early. You were tricked. Because your opponent had an air of confidence, you doubted yourself, and your opponent was able to take advantage of the opening to fool you into surrendering.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo!!!! Say it ain't sooo!!!

i see.